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By | April 9, 2010 164 Comments

Mother sends adopted son back to Russia

A registered nurse from Tennessee adopted a boy from Russia. This week, she put the child, now 7 years old, on a flight back to Moscow, with a note saying she could no longer care for him. The mother said he “is violent and has severe psychopathic issues,” and that she “was lied to and misled by the Russian orphanage workers” about his problems.

Read Russia calls for halt on U.S. adoptions after return of boy, in the New York Times.

Link submitted by a Lovefraud reader.


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Ox Drover

The adoption of “foreign” children by Americans, many of these children older than infants, has always somehow puzzled me. It isn’t like we don’t have a “surplus” of older kids here in the US that are available.

Many of the children from Romania, who had suffered famine and neglect both before birth (which decreases the IQ of a child whose mother is malnurished before he is born) and after birth, “warehoused” in orphanages for months or years, where they received only minimal care by overworked caregivers, turned out to have frequent bonding issues.

Was it because they were damaged by lack of nutrition, were the parents psychopaths and didn’t care enough about the kids to keep them, were they damaged by neglect, or all of the above? I don’t mean that a “damaged child” doesn’t deserve care, because ALL Children deserve care, but if you are seeking to adopt because you can’t have biological children and expecting a child without severe psychological problems, including possible psychopathy, why would you seek kids from “elsewhere?”

One of my first cousins adopted a child with known fetal alcohol syndrome. She is a nurse, she and her husband are well off financially, and she was a perfect mother for this special needs child, but she knew what she was getting going into the adoption. Her son suffers from multiple problems, but he works in a business that my cousin bought for her son to work in. He lives in a small house indepently next door to her, and his financial welfare is provided for, after the death of my cousin and her husband, the young man is as healthyy and as happy and living the best possible life he could have had given the problems he was born with. My cousin and her husband also have a natural child together as well.

I have worked with some of the children who have been brought from Romania and other places and adopted by American parents, and some of these children are ADHD, conduct disorder, failure to bond, and budding psychopaths, or all of the above. The parents who are usually well enough off to give the children “the best of everything” are flummoxed by a child that is “out of control” and the kids would wind up in an inpatient facility, only to go back home, and then back again to the facility until finally, at age 18 they were turned loose on the community or ended up in jail, and the adoptive family feeling like failures and afraid of their child.

We had a woman blogger here a while back (couple of years ago I think) who had a child 10 or 12 that she was literally afraid of the girl, she couldn’t find a way to get the girl help, and was afraid of the girl to the point of not being able to turn her back on the child. The mother was frantic. I think the child’s father was a psychopath and showing early signs of traits, (she was the child’s natural mother though) but she was caught in a BIND. I think that mother would probably know what this adoptive mother was going through with her child. How frantic she must have been to put the child on an aircraft to have him flown back to Russia.

I am sure that public opinion will probably trash this woman for what she did, but my GUESS is (without more information that is given in the news article) that she was at the end of her rope with the child as well as believing that she had been lied to by the adoption agency.

If the kid shows up later to be a psychopath (as the mother indicated he was showing signs of already) then SHE will be ‘the one blamed” for the child becoming a psychopath because she “abandoned” him.

I think this mother will be vilifiedd in the press before it is all said and done. I feel for her.

It is sad for her and sad for the child as well.

neveragain

You are right on Oxy. Anyone who has been a parent in an adoption that has disrupted (like a divorce in a marriage) knows you don’t reach that point easily. It is usually someone with a huge heart who adopts in the first place. My friend adopted a child and AFTER the adoption was finalized was told that child had already murdered another child. She was totally unprepared emotionally to deal with that. There is adoption fraud in some agencies.

Humane societies know that if you lie about the temperament of a dog, all you do is create an owner who is blindsided by problems, which, had they been told the truth from day one, they may have been able to handle.

One reason that people go outside the country is that many of the kids in the US available for adoption have severe problems. Didn’t use to be that way. But it is now, though I haven’t looked for about 10 years now.

Ox Drover

I know that with the Chinese policy of 1 child per family, there are many girl babies available there and I know quite a few people who have gotten the Chinese baby girls and they have all turned out well, but I think there is presently enough to eat and these children are generally I think given up more because of their sex, not other reasons. But, because there are so many HIV+ problems in China because of the Chinese using dirty needles years ago in blood plasma harvesting, I would want to make sure the child’s HIV status was known at least.

I agree with you, that the “full disclosure” is necessary along with a medical history on the family if at all known, at least on the mother. As well as a social history on the child. Disclosing afterwards just want get it.

I’m not sure what the “checking out” of the adoptive parents is here in the US if they have the money to go through some agency for over seas adoption. Is it one of those things were people can essentially “buy” a child if they have enough money to go through some “agency” that is less than honest and upfront?

I notice a lot of “movie stars” with fairly (seems to me) unstable relationship histories who seem to have the “fast track” in adopting children from third world countries sort of like this month’s most popular breed of dog.

MiLo

Oxy –

I could not agree with you more. Severe Reactive Attachment Disorder !!! Behaviors you can not begin to describe. Behaviors so horrific no one would believe you.

As for disclosure, when these kids come from an institutional setting, such as a foreign orphanage, they may not be presenting severe symptoms. It is when they go into an adopted home and the parents attempt to bond with them that the behaviors begin. The more the parents try to “love” them, the worse they become.

This Mom probably had no where to turn and was at her wit’s end. This could have had a much more tragic ending.

I fostered a four year old, many years ago, for over two years, back then they diagnosed her with “brain damage due to lack of bonding”. Words can not describe her behaviors.

I understand what this Mom did and why she did it.

MiLo

Ox Drover

It will be interesting to me, MiLo, how the press responds to this and how the comments on line flow. I predict that the mother will be further traumatized by the “public opinion” against her. I hope I am wrong, but I wouldn’t bet against it.

The “brain damage due to lack of bonding” sounds sort of like the “moral insanity” Chekley (spelling?) tagged psychopaths with.

I bottle raised a heifer calf from birth and she never did bond with the rest of the cattle, she didn’t even like cows, but at the same time she was not respectful of humans either, and had no natural fear of humans or “flight zone” and in the end, I had to send her for beef because she was dangerous to humans simply because if you tried to herd her she would run you over.

When she had her first baby, she literally ran from it in fear, but eventually after being confined, nature took over and she did a reasonable job as a mother for several years with several calves. I’ve seen zoo raised wild animals who were also not “emotionally” right because of being human fostered. Usually with cattle, heifers do okay, where as bull calves must be castrated or they become VERY dangerous when they hit puberty (Steers, castrated males, however are quite docile like a tame cow, depending somewhat on the breed too.)

Most mammals and lots of birds and other critters require some kind of socialization with their “families” or their “species” (some more than others) and if they don’t get it as “infants” they never really adjust to “healthy” adults.

This is just ONE of many sad stories about many sad adoptions. Sad for all concerned.

GettingIt

I have met a number of narcissistic Moms, who adopt so that they would LOOK good and have absolutely no interest in raising the child, but instead self – promotion. It’s hard to put the blame on the Kid, and I hope that not many will. It is the law of Russia to only adopt out DISABLED kids. The regulations are overlooked sometimes, depending on “who gets paid under the table”, but as a matter of rule, no healthy child is allowed to be adopted by non-Russian citizens. This means that at the time of adoption, the mother signed papers stating that she was adopting an ill boy. Whatever the boy’s issues were, it is simply inhume to return him, especially in this horrific way. I would not take a “bad puppy” back to a pet store, let alone a child.

Ox Drover

Dear Getting it,

Thanks for that information about the fact that Russia does not adopt out of country anything except disabled kids.

I agree that the manner in which she returned the boy was worse than DRASTIC, and yes, it could be a symptom of HER problems, but as a retired medical professional I have seen directly the results of children who were neglected, starved, and coming from backgrounds where many of the parents were high in psychopathic traits, or mental illnesses, in which cases the children were never emotionally or mentally stable and had very bad problems.

I agree that the way the mother sent the child back was not what I would consider “ideal” by any means and in some ways very cruel, however, I think it COULD be an indication that she was at the end of her rope in trying to deal with the child that for whatever reason she was not successful in doing.

We may never know the entire story of this situation or the “entire” truth if there is such a thing…in any case, it is sad all the way around, and if she did take a “damaged” child knowingly, she may just have thought she could cope when it was more than she was able to do.

There have been several parents here who have coped with children who were psychopathic, and I am one of them, my son is in prison for murder, Witsend is dealin with her 17 year old now who voluntarily went to live with friends (without her consent) and that she is literally afraid of her son. So the “truth” of this matter might be somewhere in the “middle” or either end of the continuum but in any case, it is a very sad situation for both adoptive mother and for the child.

Twice Betrayed

Good posts, Oxy!

I agree, this is the move of a desperate person!!

Now, I have seen the time my poor son wished his own kid was adopted from Russia….so he could send him back! This kid is hell on wheels. My son’s life is ruined…..no kidding, all by a 40 lb redhead. WHEW!!!!!

Ox Drover

How are you doing, TB? Yea, that woman was definitely desperate to do what she did. I don’t doubt that your son could relate. The poster we had here with the daughter just broke my heart. I wish she would check back in and let us know how she is coping with it all and if she found some kind of solution or help.

We got poured on Wed and so we used the day to go to town in the rain, no less, but got our errands done and I’m in a house “spring cleaning” frenzy, and son D is gone to a Wilderness Emergency Medicine class for the weekend.

I’m taking one room or area at a time and cleaning it to the bone and throwing out stuff or getting it ready to go to the DV shelter or the dog rescue place (old bedding and towels not good enough for the DV shelter) and getting plants ready to set out in the raised beds. Just enjoying the spring while it lasts. It has been an odd spring here, but extremely pretty with the trees starting to really leaf out now and the various shades of green against each other on the mountains.

I’m just working really hard to see the wonderful things in the season, and doing my “nesting” like the birds. The hawk is back, but it isn’t a red tail it is a red shouldered hawk that i s nesting just on the edge of what we call yard in the pine trees. It has been there several years now (each year the nest gets bigger) and has apparently raised a nice batch each year, but we stay away from the nest during the baby raising season, so not sure how many.

Have a good weekend. (((Hugs))))

bulletproof

Hi all,

Horrible situation. I would not wish it on any of them. the New York Times also states:

Fourteen Russian children adopted by Americans have died of abuse since 1996, Russian officials said last year, and the cases have set off strong reactions here.

Russian Government will have to rethink its set up as will America.

Serious questions need to be asked before a child is adopted, such as:

the TRUTH about the background, upbringing prior to adoption,Genetic factors, location of parents or relatives of the child, where the child was born, cultural differences, medical records ….Adoption can leave massive separation wounds in the child, attachment disorders and the feeling of total displacement form the psychic intra uterine bond with original mother (no matter how bad she was, how dead or alcoholic etc)

All the same relevant questions could be asked also of the FAMILY the child is going to and at the end of the day AT THE MERCY OF….is proper screening ever possible?

I was sobbing for the child when I heard it on the news, really in bits. How would he recover from this, who would be able to reach him after that, who would he ever trust gain

Then I saw his face, and it suddenly occured to me he could be a psychopath, and not so wounded after all….

you wouldnt “send him back” though would you? or would you?
maybe you would if driven off the edge?

She didn’t beat, abuse or harm him like so many other families did with their Russian adopted child, she packed him off back to sender, what state of mind must she have been in to do it….

what a situation. This story will run and run. Maybe we then can learn something. God help the child and all concerned.

Ox Drover

I can’t remember which state it was that had the “drop off your kids you don’t want at any hospital ” law, —-and it was intended for babies—and people were driving from OTHER STATES to drop off their teenagers or unmanagable other kids.

The state closed the loophole in the law and made it for “up to three days old” I think.

People who have children (adopted or not) who are any combination of ADHD/Bi-POLAR/PSYCHOPATHIC TRAITS at any age have their hands full. I’ve heard some of the horror stories told by my paternal grandfather about tryiig to raise my sperm donor-P, who by age 8 (eight!) had run away from home in Oklahoma and gone to his uncle’s house in OREGON, when things got where he didn’t like them at uncle’s house, he stole his cousin’s bikes to sell and hit the road again. I don’t think he ever lived at home again after age 11, though he would call home for money which my grandfather would send him.

Having raised an ADHD child who, fortunately, was not defiant or destructive, I can relate to the frustrations of always having to be “on top of” keeping a child safe, but I have worked with children 8-10 years old that I would not have felt safe with them in the house with me unless there was another adult awake and observing them, even while they slept. AND that other adult was large and strong enough to physically restrain them in the event that the child decided to do “something” and could not be stopped except with physical restraint.

What does a parent do in such a case? How can a parent function if they must be a 24/7 security guard for this child to keep the child from hurting himself or the parents or other children in the house, or pets?

I guess my sympathy is more with the mother (was there a father involved or was this a single parent adoption?) because I know how difficult it is to parent a fairly normal ADHD kid, and I have seen how impossible it is to parent a kid with ADHD and psychopathic traits.

It seems to me that what she did was DESPERATE and certainally preferable to beating the child to death (14 cases of that from children adopted from Russia?) Maybe it is a good idea to stop the Russian adoptions for a while, or to rethink how they are done.

Twice Betrayed

Little story: my grandson….Red Chief [so named after the O’Henry short story]…is just exactly like my DIL’s brother. He was/is and will always be impossible to manage. Anyway, this GS is a holy terror!!!!! My son has told me he has tried everything….counseling, punishment including spankings and he told me, quiet frankly, none of it worked. My son said this kid does NOT fear anything and a hard spanking is NOT effective at all. They finally got so desperate they put him on meds just so he could get an education. God help us all when he reaches puberty and driving age!!! We all kinda darkly joke we’d better all save bail money…..:( Story: one day this kid was running toward a major highway challenging vehicles to hit him….yep, you read that correctly…my son and DIL chasing him and literally sitting on him to restrain him while we were all trying to enjoy a family Sunday at Wye Mtn viewing the flowers. Finally my son grew so fatigued he turned his back for a second and the kid hit for the highway again [now,this kid was 7 years old…not a toddler, well old enough to know to stay out of the road]…..and my son said…..”Oh well, I can’t catch you, if you get hit and killed…I can’t change it.” Hmmmm, kid stopped immediately when he was no longer chased. It was all a cruel game to torture the family!! As soon as this kid sees he has finally hit a nerve with you….he will push that button or buttons till he has you exhausted. He has to sit less than four feet from the teacher in school or he will disrupt the entire class. My son said he was heart broken to see his son have to do this….but, the kid does not mind at all!!!!!! He just keeps on misbehaving. Hurts all his friends, till nobody will play with him. [And the older boy: sheer perfection…totally opposite. Just the nicest kid you could ever hope for! ]

Twice Betrayed

Hey Oxy!
I am doing pretty well, I’ve got a bad cold from the pollen! Thanks for asking about me!
I am glad you are doing well and getting your spring cleaning done!! I am not so diligent in mine. ;P
I had a hawk that lived here for years, but have not seen it this year. My woodpeckers and chickadees are here. 🙂

Ox Drover

Dear TB,

“The ransom of red chief” is one of my favorite stories!

It sounds like the “Chief” in your case is at least very ADHD, is he on medications for that? Is he receiving counseling currently? DO the medications help? Have they tried him as an inpatient for a while? I would try everything before I gave up on this kid, as he is obviously very attention seeking if your son chasing him in this instance is making it worse and him “ignoring” him has the kid stopping the behavior.

Sometimes ignoriing their “terrible” behavior and praising calm behavior will help turn this around. It is difficult, like ignoring the kid throwing a fit and praising him walking across the floor for two steps and not kicking the cat…sometimes it’s hard to find “good” behavior to praise.

I realize too that the “disruptive” child in the household makes life hell for everyone including the siblings. I can see why your son might like to return this child to Russia (but since he doesn’t have that option,) I would see if there was an inpatient program he could go to for at least a short time and then maybe come home and the family turn over a new leaf. It might be worth a try.

blueskies

jeese Oxy! If this kid IS adhd or add I dont think you should recomend an in patient program! people might take you up on your ‘diagnosis'(!!?)

blueskies

I am really fed up with that.

Ox Drover

Dear Blueskies,

I am a retired registered nurse practitioner and worked with some really HIGHLY ADHD kids in short inpatient programs that seemed to help them. It gives the doctor a good observation period for the kid in a controlled environment and gives the parents some CALM TIME (like a “time out vacation” for both parties) and then the kid goes back home and hopefully that will be a better situation.

I’m not making a “diagnosis” over the internet for sure, but I was making a suggestion to TB that she might get her son to have the boy RE-evaluated by a professional IN PERSON and that, if that was the case, it is possible that the “chief” might not be a budding P, but just a very hyper ADHD, but getting the kid RE-EVALUATED is the prime motive in my suggestions to the grandmother.

If whatever is being done for a 7 year old child isn’t working, and the child is so disruptive at home and at school that he has to sit practically in the teacher’s lap and has no friends, whatever is being done isn’t working obviously, so I was suggesting that a RE-evaluation might find something that WOULD workk with this kid, before it is too late. If he has genetics tending toward psychopathic traits, it might help and might not, but whatever is being done now is not working, so find another direction that might.

Twice Betrayed

Oxy: don’t know if my son has done inpatient, doubtful. DIL would most likely not allow that. She is a total control freak. He is on meds for ADHD. He is receiving counseling. The meds do help some. It is impossible to ignore this kid’s bad behavior because he is physically dangerous to animals and smaller children. He almost smothered their dog to death when they told him to quit slamming the doors over and over. Ignoring bad behavior is impossible because he takes it to the dangerous level, and good behavior he just does not care at all about [and praise he does not care about]. He doesn’t care about others’ feelings and they have no effect on him at all. Does not matter to him if you accept or reject him. He does what he wants and gets thrills from making others miserable or especially injuring/bullying animals and small children. He immediately focuses on what will make someone the most unhappy and does it to the extreme. He resents any authority and willfully rebels in all ways against it. When my little GD was only a year old she pulled a picture on her head and had to have a staple in her little baby head…and this little monster ran to get his big magnet to pull it out! He was giggling an evil giggle full of demonic glee and when her dad busted him….the kid told me he wanted to see it come out and the baby bleed all over the floor!! That made me shudder!! When asked what he wants to do when he grows up, he says: “Make people hurt/bleed/die!” Now, I ask you….how dang scary is that???? BTW, his favorite toy is a realistic rubber eyeball that when squeezed bulges with blood vessels that look like they are breaking and the eye fills with blood! He sleeps with it!

bulletproof

twice betrayed

that sounds like a nightmare of a kid. is it not possible to do battle with him before he gets bigger. It’s unacceptable and animals and small children are not safe around kids like this…they have to be watched 24/7 awful, but at least everyone can see it upfront.

Ox Drover

DearTB,

WOW! Yea, It sounds like there is definitely a problem there, probably above and beyond “JUST” ADHD. Sounds like DIL might also have some problems (“control freak”) as well.

My son C was “just” ADHD and keeping him alive was a constant struggle after he got up able to run around, he was always hurting himself! Black and blue. One time he went with a new church group roller skating, I think he was like 7-8 and when the guy brought him home, he looked like he had been run over by a bus, but he was grinning ear to ear. The man was kind of sheepish bringing my kid home all black and blue, and was apologizing to me, and C said “OH, Mom, I had so much fun, can I go again!” LOL –I will never forget the happiness on that kid’s face or the fear on the face of guy from the new church group.

I lived through the borken bones and the scrapes and bruises, but he was never wanting to hurt anyone one or any thing, so it was an impulsiveness, a jumping before he looked, etc. but not being mean or enjoying hurting any one. And he is still like that today, he is not evil, or seeks out to hurt anyone. He would never steal and would give someone the shirt off his back, stops to help people on the side of the road, volunteers in the fire department, community services, etc.

“JUST” ADHD makes for a kid that is a challenge to raise but not one like your GS, and unfortunately, your grandson probably has some other problems as well it sounds like.

O Henry is still one of my favorite authors!

Twice Betrayed

Bullet and Oxy, yes, you are right….this kid is a nightmare!
Yeah, Oxy, my DIL has problems also. She is OCD and slightly
whacked. My older daughter dared to spill the beans on how my DIL drives and my DIL flipped out and tried to jump on my older daughter physically! FREAKED my daughter out and my son had to physically restrain my DIL! I am afraid I do not know what all my son does have to contend with! I can say my DIL can be very sweet and kind at times, unlike this kid. But, I have seen my DIL slam dunk this kid when he was out of control [secretly, she did not know I saw her, she is VERY sneaky]. Well, when is he in control….never for more than a few restrained seconds. Listen, I’ve taught school, taught SS, volunteered in many school related activities, including Girl/Boy Scouts, even going so far as being the Boy Scout Leader when nobody else would do it, babysat ‘throwaway’ kids, neighborhood kids congregated at my home etc and I have only seen three other kids as mean as my GS and one was my DIL’s brother! Leave it to my son to marry this girl! Well, she was very fooling, seemed shy/sweet on the surface. They went to high school together and she threw a rope around his neck at 16. She told my brother after they married that she was determined to marry him and she did. She is such a control freak that none of us has a relationship with him. I never see him. I have not seen him in over a year. She has managed to manipulate trouble for all of us with him and instead of seeing how she is…he just cuts us out of their lives. 🙁

Twice Betrayed

LOL—O’Henry is one of mine too. That’s funny, Oxy!

Ox Drover

Dear TB,

Well, sounds like that family has more problems than this kid, he may be just mirroring the horror he sees at home too. I’m sorry for your son for living this way, it is easy for us to say that it is all the DIL, but I am coming to see that my son C, who married the P and distanced himself from us, was willingly staying with this nightmare and if he had not wanted to be distanced from us, he would not have been.

I tended to see every dysfunctional thing my son C did as a result of him being the victim of the P-DIL but I am coming to realize HE had some issues as well or he woujldn’t have been where he was for so long. DITTO MYSELF.

My son C is not about at this point to workk on HIMSELF, or his own behavior or to take responsibility for it as long as he can blame his X wife and his own “stupidity”—being married or hooked up with an abuser sometimes diverts our attention from our own unhappiness.l

In my spring cleaning frenzy in which I am cleaning up my office paper work and sorting and throwing out and all that I came across something today that is in my handwriting and I imagine I COPIED from somewhere (I’m a big note taker if I read something I like) but have no idea where it comes from, if someone else knows,k please let us know who to credit, it is NOT ME!

The title at the top of the page is “Family themes”

1. Protect th eperpetrator froom consequences
2. Discredit and deride anyone in/outside your family who disagrees with you as having flaws
3. Punish any fmaily member w23ho expects justice from family perpetrators
4. Blame the victim
‘5. Trivalize victims’ feelings
6. keep all family dirty linen a secret
7. Triangle other family members to help protect the perp
8. punish victim
9 It’s okay to be mean and controlling to victim if they don’t accept their role as victim.
10. Never look to yourself or perp as the problem
11. always look for a scape goat
12. Never confront the perp
!3. If anyoone sheds light on bad acts of the perp or dysfunctional family themes attack their character, credibility and sanity.
14. call that person names and use cutting sarcastic with to say they are vengeful, unforgiving, unable to get along with others, a trouble lmaker, inept, try to get them to accept blame and feel guilt and accept their assigned family role as victim.
!5. Always deny wrong doing or ulterior motives.
16. Hold grudges for decades, while pontificating “forgiveness” being essential to Christianity
17. Avoid examining yourself or the perp as causes of trouble
18. Cloak all enabling acts as Christian “charity”
19. Stick to your story at all costs.

The above is 100% the descriiption of my family situation, and totally how I grew up. I realize that my son C though from time to time opts out of the ROLES, is none-the-less quite willing to go along with it.

His P-x-brother went too far when he approved of C’s wife’s affair, and the trying to kill him, and he is “done” with my egg donor for her part in sending money to P-brother, but over all, he is still willing to play the game rather than EXAMINE himself and his own part in this “game.” Because I have opted out of this “game” C and I can no longer be “compatible” because he still plays the game.

I’m not sure what is going on with your brother TB, and his wife and the whole situation but it sounds jpretty much like a DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY that isn’t going to change much if any. The kid is just another who has been chose to be the family scape goat and maybe he had the genetic tendency and ADHD tofit fairly comfortably into this role, but unfortunately, there isn’t any thing you can do about your son’s and grandson’s lives except distance yourself as I am having to do with son C. I wish it wasn’t that way, but it isn’t something over which I have any control.

When WE work on getting “healthy” it makes the UN-healthy ones in the family uncomfortable and changes family dynamics such that we can’t have much, if any, contact except very superficial.

GettingIt

it’s interesting to read the posts. We are all so eager to identify with what we percieve the truth to be. Is this what got us in trouble with the Ps in the first place?
If we’d had bad experience with Ps as kids, we’d think Mom did the right thing. Well, she was a MOM. At the point she put him on the plane to come to US, or even before, when she signed the legal papers, she assumed total responsibility over this child, who by the way looks a bit developmentally disabled to me and seemed very lost and confused. The child, who now speaks decent English reported that Mom dragged him by his hair. He did report there was another boy, his brother, and he liked him, but said Mom was not nice. Adoptive grandmother said that the adopted child was “drawing pictures of home burning”. hardly a reason to send someone off to a disastrous future. Wasn’t any help available to the Parent in TN?
There has to be conversation about treatment, about education, about tough love and tolerance of these disadventaged kids. What she did was undoudebtly morally wrong. Short of killing, she sent a message to this boy, that the world is a bitter place, where nobody loves anyone, and that it’s ok to be a psychopath. I am very sad. If he weren’t a P, he’d turn into a secondary one for sure. This so called mother should be tried for endangering him too. Who did she trust in Russia? How did she know the man who’d pick the boy up was going to take him to the Ministry of Education and not sell him for sex? How did she know he’d be ok on the plane for so long. How can she sleep at night? What about “Not like his father”?
We carefully weigh pros and cons when we make choices, and we are responsible for the choices we make. this woman was obviously not taking her responsibilities seriously enough.

ThornBud

17 years i was trying to get a child. I was reconsidering to adopt a child. At the end, manager and director of adopting department of social care, who was my friend btw, told me:
Be aware…children who are left by parent are carrying their parent’s genes. It sounded so cruel to me!!!! But doctor told me: if u consider to adopt a child, FIRST get all the records about parents!
Thanks God, at the end, i got my own, but i know about many people who adopted children and at the end it became a catastrophy!
So, before adopting, my advice is: try to get all the info u can…..

GettingIt

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1264744/American-sends-adopted-Russian-boy-behavioural-problems.html

This articles shares a lot more information. Alcoholic Mom who raised this kid may have done a horrible job, but the adopted Mom who abandoned him, committed a crime and I do hope they try her for child endangerement. What makes us different from the Psychopaths is that we are Human. This act alone was In-humane. She should have treated him as anyone would a biological son – i. e. if problems surface, we seek resolution, we don’t drop our kids at insitutions to care for them. This so called mother is a disgrace, judging by her act & the letter alone. Sorry, I feel so strongly. I am saddened about the effect this act has on the adoptions in general

ErinBrock

THORNBUD:
YOUR HERE!!!!
YOU had me SSOOOOOO worried about you!
SHIAT GIRL!!!!!
I am so glad your ‘around’ and posting…..

Stay strong……and find the hope from within!!!!

XXXXOOOO
EB

ThornBud

Yes, it can be sad, but it also can be sad for parents who addopted a child. I am telling this from own experience, knowing beautiful people who had misfortune with addopted children, who showed to be P, N, violent.
My best friend addopted a girl, treated her better than most of biological mothers treated own children, fighted for a girl through her schooling, gave her even more than i gave to my child. At the end – at her 25, girl almost killed her. She fell in depression cuz she really LOVED a child…than, after girl left her without any thanks for 20 years care, she took private investigator. Guess what???? Girl became an orphant because her father killed her mother and was alco and drugs addicted, got in jail and there got killed because he was violent and every prisoner hated him….
I am sorry, my English is bad, but hope u will understand what i wanted to point on!

GettingIt

Play the video, it’s in English:
http://lifenews.ru/news/20131

ThornBud

Another example: in the building i am living, a couple of beautiful ppl adopted a son…that boy ( God forgive me!) is nightmare of all of us living in this building…not just that he ruined ppl who addopted him…he is ruining our lives, too. Every night, starting from 2-3AM he starts his show, screaming, crushing things…my daughter many times wokeup in fear, crying, affraid…asking what is going on? Many times someone called police…it is just scaring and unbearable. I am watching those two pore ppl, day after day, fading…and i am asking myself: do they really deserve such life? They did sacred thing, took an orphant….and now what???????

GettingIt

they should have prepared for “now what”. Who knows what this child had to face between 2 and 3 am Every night. If you knew that the child was raped at that hour daily, or that he watched his loved one murdered, or that he was beaten during that time, would it help you identify with his pain? Now what? Now – treatment, medications, counseling, education and extra amount of patience and Unconditional Parental Love.

Sarah999

I’m sure the boy was dangerous, just like the adoptive mother says (i.e., starting fires, threatening bodily harm etc . . and only 7 years old!) . . You just can’t make those things up!
(Maybe the illegitimate son of one of those political psychopaths that ruined their country.) These things are inherited!

ThornBud

Some of u do not me…just to say: i was involved with many P’s in my life….who was fortunate not to experience a life with P, cant understand this pore woman! No woman with heart can easilly drop a child. But what i have learned, mainly on this site, is: some ppl are evil…young, mature, doesnt matter. Evil is Evil! And we are not Jesus Christ, we atre humans. Should we really, like Lily, die just to hold the Evil and stand it???? I don’t think so

GettingIt

Psychopathy is not diagnosed before the age of 18. Guess, it’s because there is HOPE before that age. Kids with Conduct Disorder need structured and disciplined environment, they need the tough love and a lot of patience.
Why do we not suffocate crack babies when they are born? Instead, we hold them. Why do we not put Alcohol Fetal Syndrome kids in institutions? Instead, we teach them. Why, if we felt no care for the sick and deprived, what would make us different from psychopaths? I don’t really know what outrages me more, the fact that this so called mother discarded her son as if he were an Ebay puchase, or the fact that she is getting support on this site.

GettingIt

There had been no reports of the child starting any fires. HE DREW fires. How many of you here drew pictures of killing your tormentors in your minds? Secondly, it is not a question of whether or now this boy has a Conduct Disorder. it’s an issue of an irresponsible parent who endangered her child. Adopted or not, sick or not, the child deserves parental love and supervision, treatment, and guidence.
I am glad he is out of that home. Obviously, the so called nurse does not know a thing about compassion. Or, she would have been able to understand that in 6 – 10 months a child cannot adapt to a new country, new language, new rules, especially if he’d been removed from an alcoholic parent two years prior and spent those two years in an orphanage. Does anyone here question your own motives? what if this child were from Haiti? what if this child were from Ohio?

GettingIt

quick quiz: if you saw a baby who was one years old and fussy, whould you have murdered him?
if you saw a baby who was 5 years old and screaming each night at 3am, would you have murdered him?
if you knew this fussy baby was Adolf Hitler would you have murdered him and prevented deaths of millions?
I am curious to see how others would respond.

GettingIt

WOW.
What he could have done based on HER diagnosis and Just because she used the word P which is never used for children, is weighed so heavily against what she DID do and that is child neglect, endangerement, and a harrendous immoral act. And yet – we recall stories of people sleeping with the doors locked. I have seen that as well. I am sorry for those RESPONSIBLE parents who take measures, start each day with new hope, get all help available and learn to deal with all sorts of unimaginable disabilities. To say that she had been at the end of her rope, after giving the boy merely LESS than a year of parenting and allowing him no time to adjust, and obviously not seeking treatment (or she would have sent those records, and / or been given a far better professional advise) is to undermine the years of patient responsible parenting others are providing to kids that had been born to alcoholic parents and lived horrible short lives of abuse, neglect and fear. This is hopeless: no child belongs in an institution.

Sarah999

Sarah999 says:

Dear Getting it.

I know of so many mothers that sleep with locks on their doors . . because they are afraid of their children. Sending the boy back was a very sound decision”.or maybe you she should have waited till he burnt the house down (with her in it?)

When children show psychopathic inclinations we are NOT able to care for them. I believe dangerous children DO belong in an institution, where they are prevented from harming themselves and others.

Some psychopathic children kill their parents, or siblings, or other children . . this kid sound like he was on that road.

GettingIt

Dear Sarah999,
This child Sounds like he was on the road based on a letter written by his Mother when she TOLD him that he was going on a trip (lied) and sent him alone on a 10 hour flight to a stranger she paid to drive him to an Education Ministry. This is ALL we know besides the fact that Grandma said he Drew a picture, was kicking and biting. the kid said Mom dragged him by his hair. This is all we know based on media.

GettingIt

We also know this kid to have been severely traumatized prior to being adopted. We also know that his one and only language Prior to adoption was Russian. Hmmm,

Sarah999

For arguments sake . .
Let’s even say the parent was wrong, and the child would not have harmed anybody, and was not psychopathic . . should she be forced to keep a child, that she can’t (won’t, or doesn’t want to) love?

GettingIt

She should be responsible for the autrocious act she committed toward this child. If I do this with my kids, I’d be prosecuted. Just because his paperwork was not finalized may get her off the hook.
Children are not even pets. You can’t “Try one” and send it back if it does not work out. This is absolutely terrible.
For argument’s sake, she was ill prepared and obviously not caring enough to establish a meaningful bond with a troubled youth. I am glad she did not kill him, but do believe she needs to stand trial

Ox Drover

Dear Getting it,

I see your point, absolutely I do. This mother made several poor decisions, and followed it up by a final poor decision to put the kid back on a plane.

However, I think desperation for the situation put her in the situation where she felt she had no choice but to do something, even if it was “wrong.” Some mothers have killed their children when they felt desperate and could not take care of the child for whatever reason.

I agree that her decision to put the kid on the plane may not have been the best possible one, but I think that she wasn’t thinking straight because of her inability to bond with this child whether the problem was her or the boy, it does’t matter, it was a situation she felt was unworkable.

Yes, children deserve love, but some children are so damaged that a parent or even two parents are not able to provide adequate care for that child.

Unfortunately also there are many instances where a parent of an unmanageable child has few if any options, and no ideal options.

Arkansas has an institution for caring for children that are so damaged either mentally or physically or both, that the parent(s) are not able to manage the child at home. One of these institutions is located near my home. Many of these parents love their child but trying to care for the child at home would take all the family resources for a child that will never become functional or independent in the real world, thus depriving the other children of functional parents.

I think each situation should be determined by the INDIVIDUAL NEEDS OF BOTH PARENTS AND CHILDREN IN THE FAMLY. I have seen familiies who cared for a child who was born ancephalic (No brain inside the skull) to the point that the other children were neglected emotionally because of caring for a child who couldn’t even perceive they were being cared for, who was constantly sick and in one medical crisis or another. What is right? What is fair? How much does a family sacrifice before the child is institutionalized?

I realize you feel strongly that this child has been abused not only by his birth mother but his adoptive mother, and would like to punish her for her act of desperation when she had reached her limits. I won’t say you are wrong, this kid has been given an over all bad hand of cards in life, genetically, nationally, socially and emotionally.

But since this adoptive mother could not handle the child and feel safe about doing it? What would have been the solution that would have been best? I don’t know. I don’t know what was available in the way of help for her, or if there truly was no help for her.

Witsend who blogs here attempting to get help for her 17 year old psychopathic son (who I know can’t be “officially” diagnosed til age 18) who has threatened to burn the house down on her head and who is totally oppositional, she has been to the courts, the police and the school and social services, and she calls it THE VALLEY OF THE CLOSED DOORS. She has been told she has all responsibility and NO help from anyone. She is afraid of this kid but until she is physically injured or he breaks the law she is on her own.

Having worked with parents, natural and adoptive with uncontrolable children ages 8 -10 and seen the frustration in the parents’ faces, seen the love and the concern and the helplessness—and also seen parents who were psychopathic and how they treated their helpless kids, I have seen both sides of trhis coin. I feel for both the mother and the child.

This is a sad situation but not black or white I don’t think.

GettingIt

Should a family who adopted a python and later found out that it grows 6 feet be allowed to let it into the wild? or worse yet, starve it to death?
I hope Not.
Python is not a human being.
this boy will be adopted and given very good care now, no doubt. If anything – to show that Russia can take care of their own. And – maybe, it’s the way it should be for this boy. But, he won’t forget that plight or that flight. Ever.
btw, he did not eat the snacks she packed. I wonder if he felt up to eating

GettingIt

Oxy, we posted over one another. I agree with you that the issue overall isn’t black and white and I have too little information to have an opinion about psychopathy in that very family. However, the act she committed (for whatever reason) is wrong. It is Black (out of desparation or whatever). When my Ex threatened my life, I wanted very much to defend myself. I was desparate for so many reasons, and the legal system did nothing to protect me. but, I did not take the law into my own hands. And – she did. Thank you for being a voice of reason and sharing your views. I think I made my own quite clear on this topic, 😉

Ox Drover

Dear Getting it,

What about the family who is told the adoptee is a python, but turns out the pet store knew it was a rattle snake? Should they keep it out of kindness? All the ANALOGIEs and the WHAT IFS and SHOULD’A-WOULD’As in the world aren’t going to make this terrible situation any better. It is very SAD and UNfortunate for all concerned.

I send up prayers for the child and the mother as well.

Ox Drover

We posted over each other again! LOL

This whole thing is CRAZY and anytime something comes up like this that makes the news it only polarizes people.

I just feel sorry for both the kid and the mother. Wish we could wipe pain off the earth! (((Hugs))))

GettingIt

LOL,
If one does any research on adoptions, and wants a child that does not carry alcoholic and psychopathic genes, one would never ever adopt from Russia. One would study cultures and – as someone posted – adopt from China. Russian kids ONLY end up in institutions when they are born to undesirables and they live through horrific childhoods. When wanting something pretty and cute, one should shop at toys r us and not an adoption agency.
So, she should have known it was a rattle snake after all.

Ox Drover

Dear Getting it,

Yes, I think you are right about that. Coming from primarily a Scots-Irish background which has a high rate of alcoholism and people who are high risk takers and so on, it is no wonder that my pedigree goes back so far with “thoroughbred psychopaths” either. My family is the poster family for dysfunction, I am amazed that there are any that are NOT totally dysfunctional but there are some.

What is amazing is that there hasn’t been more of a list of people who committed criminal acts, or gotten caught for them at least. I’m just glad that the gene pool apparently ENDS here!

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