My interview with Dr. Paul

Back in March, when I visited Florida, I did an interview with Dr. Paul R. VeHorn, who calls himself “Dr. Tough Love” and offers dating advice every week on his radio show. Dr. Paul also posts videos of his show on YouTube, and I just found it. I thought Lovefraud readers would be interested.

Donna Andersen on the Dr. Paul Show

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143 Comments on "My interview with Dr. Paul"

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Spath is leaving us alone for the most part. At this point if he bothers us, he knows he will owe a ton in back child support; having to pay a large debt is the best way to keep a sociopath away!

I know what you mean about being really picky after a sociopath; I won’t put up with much anymore. They so much as tell me they don’t like my hair style, and I will be done! None of my “dates” have had all 10 of the characteristics though, I must say.
Lying is the absolute one I will not tolerate because that was the one that was hardest for me to recover from. I also, obviously, made a lot of plans based on those lies, and it made for a real upset to me. So lying hands down, I go no contact right away.
The pity play is the second most important thing for me; as soon as I feel that someone is trying to gain my sympathy for their life, I no longer have anything to do with them; life is hard, suck it up, and get out! The jekyl and hyde, and blame thing, I am more tolerant on…Everyone gets moody sometimes. At any rate, I am really picky now. But like I said, I am not currently spending my time on dating; loving my time with birdie instead.

Birdie is amazing and is like a little kid now. Likes reading, and movies, and playing outside in the mud with monster trucks! I took birdie to the monster truck show, and wow was that a huge hit. All I hear about now is monster trucks.

Dear Bird,

I’m glad you have the $$$$ issue to hold over his head and that is always a good one with the S-paths….hopefully he will move on down the line, but sometimes they do turn up years and years later.

My P-sperm donor did turn us and I wanted to believe he was a good guy….so be sure that you make Birdie know that how people treat him is how he should regard them….and that it is not his fault that P-sperm donor doesn’t treat him well or be there for him, neglects him etc…..check out Dr. Leedom’s blog if you haven’t and also get her book “Just like his father” she’s got some good ideas about instilling empathy and compassion in at risk kids (genetically) fortunately genetics is not all of P-spathy and I know with a good, caring and loving mother who is WITH IT about what is going on that Birdie has the best chance in the world a kid could have!

Glad he likes the monster trucks and mud….that’s great!!! ALL BOY!!!!

I agree with you on the lying—hands down, and the pity play, and the blame game being BIG RED FLAGS….people who are not responsible is another big one for me too….won’t work, don’t pay their bills, spend money on toys when they don’t have the light bill paid, etc.

Keep on being picky—any of us could have a man tonight if we LOWER OUR STANDARDS ENOUGH–but we do not deserve the kind of man we’d have to lower them to to get one tonight….I am NOT going to the wino shelter and pick me out a wino just to have a “man”—I want the BEST or NONE!

Distressed Grandmother

Happy Mothers day to all of you! Yes Oxy you are right. I never realized how many people in my life have a personality disorder. I have never had to live with a spath and do feel sorry for all of you who have. The amount of power and control they demand is unbelievable. The spath kicked my daughter out and she was devastated All she could say is how much she loves him. She admitted it was all wrong and that she new her children were afraid of him and could only say his bark is bigger than his bit. I said well he sure has a pretty big bark. She is still in denial that he has ever laid a hand on those kids but I think this is show or just a down right lie she can not be that stupid. The man handling of the kids has started again now that she agreed to come back and dis own all of her family and not allow anyone any contact with the children. That is not love. Love is unconditional to me that is infatuation. My husband is so devastated that they were that cruel and literally kicked him out of the house. I new it was coming one day and had pre warned him but you do not understand until it happens it is all so unbelievable. I am keeping a close eye on him and trying to keep him busy because the more you think the more it eats at you. I can charge them with a four thousand dollar fine for making my life miserable for turning them into social services and hoped I would never have to use real tough love but I do know I have to get him out of my grandchildren s life and if I give up they have no one. She only thinks of her self. If she thought about those boys she would never had gotten into that relationship. There we red flags everywhere and all she would say is the past is the past. They were obvious red flags. He had no family contact of course he blamed everyone but himself big red flag. He could not have contact with his own children another big red flag. When I mentioned to her that she should find out what happened she just said the past is the past. Those poor boys do not have a hope of having a good life. They will be controlled and slaved until they can get out of there. They love there Mom so much and do not want to see her hurt. They take care and protect each other. They are strong boys that are being very badly used and hurt by there so called parents. I am wondering if I keep pressure on this relationship by charging them if that guy will one day get sick of dealing with me. Then I think it could really make things worse with my daughter but if it helps my grandchildren I do not care what she thinks as her opinion of me is not so great anyway. She can have that man just give her children the same chance at a good childhood like she had.She was never controlled or slaved. She was nurtured and loved and her children deserve the same.

Dear Grandmother,

I can’t tell you what to do, or what course to take…because either way there is DANGER to the kids and to you as well.

Maybe you can get a private investigator to do a back ground check on this guy and find some criminal convictions, or that he has had his parental rights taken away from abusing his own kids. Whatever dirt you can dig up on him might help your case with child protective services.

It might be worth the few hundred dollars it would cost to get the back ground check done on him.

As far as pressure on him, it may make him more determined to get even and to stay than to leave, but it might also make him just give up and leave. Since CONTROL is on of their things, he may be so enraged about losing control over her and/or the kids it may just make him worse.

I wish I had an answer, but don’t even know all the questions really. But, I would start out with a professional investigation about him though. Might be money well spent, at least would give you some ideas of what you are dealing with. And, maybe some good ammunition to use against him. Good luck, and my prayers. (((Hugs)))

Happy? mother’s day.
He will not care about the money, he will love the drama. Don’t charge them, it won’t help. It will give him the excuse he needs to beat the children.

Oxy’s idea is pretty good.

Distressed Grandmother

Well I have tried the private detective but in Canada our criminals are very well protected and it is against the law to get any information with out there consent. The freedom of information act.
I just thought that the least I can do is make sure to leave a trail so no one else falls into his trap and more children get hurt. He has already started to beat the children again because she gave him all the control he needed by coming back. He knows know that he can do anything and get away with it with her. I just want him to know that someone is watching him so he doesn’t get to brave. I am not afraid of my life but I am afraid of the children’s lives. If I just sit back I am afraid it will give him all the power he needs to control those boys.

What a great pity, you can’t get too much info that way. Is there a way to come into contact with the mother of the children he’s not allowed to see anymore? What a dilemma. Seems like he would fight back tooth and nail. Your daughter is a grown woman. But your grandchildren, they didn’t choose this. 🙁

My ex was also a compulsive spender and as it turned out a liar. He did ork hard and earnt a fair bit but he would always spend it before he got it and spend as if he earnt far more than he did. Then when he got a bit concerned about the bank and bailiffs being after him he expected other people who earnt less than him and were more careful than him to bail him out while he would arrange to go on another long expensive holiday that they could not afford.

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