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Police fail to act on 102 warnings of abuse

A teenager from Wales is dead—killed by her father, after her mother contacted police 102 times, worried that the girl was being abused.

An Independent Police Complaints Commission report stated that although the police failed to act according to ‘best practices,” their inaction had no impact on the murder.

Read this outrageous story at Police ignored mother’s 102 warnings her daughter was being abused by her father ”¦ who then stabbed the teenager to death on Dailymail.co.uk.

Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.


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26 Comments on "Police fail to act on 102 warnings of abuse"

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So many times on Lovefraud readers have commented about how people thought they were the CRAZY ones, or the cops brushed them off, or their friends or even their own families refused to believe their cries of “HELP!!!!”

This article is an extreme example of this—why didn’t someone either believe this woman or at least INVESTIGATE the problem. The girl was NOT an infant? She could talk? WHAT is going on here?

I have been disbelieved by others even with proof in my hands, and other times at least people have LOOKED AT THE PROOF and said “OOoooooKay, looks like you are NOT crazy” but I’ve had a couple of cases that even with PROOF in documentary form, AND reliable witnesses (multiple witnesses) was still disbelieved. It is frustrating and makes us feel devalued even worse.

The story of the “little boy who cried wolf” is one we are all familiar with, but when THERE IS A WOLF and you are NOT and never have been a liar, it is so difficult to keep on screaming WOLF when you see it going for your loved one, and no one listens. I weep for this mother!

The story of Dr. Amy Castillo who told the judge over and over that her x-husband had threatened to kill her children to get even with her, and the judge not listening–I can’t even imagine how frustrated that woman was, or the woman in the above story.

The people who failed to listen, who are in my mind, criminals themselves, get off scot-free with an “Oops, so sorry.”

Unfortunately, the Story of Dr. Castillo’s children is NOT all that rare a happening. This above story is only ONE more instance where no one heeds the cries of the “wolf is in the sheep cote.”

Oxy,
yeah, this is really frightening. the “authorities” invariably believe the spath. why? I can only imagine it’s because the “authorities” ARE SPATHS TOO.
We know that the spaths are attracted to power. My trojan BIL is a spath and works for homeland security. Only my family and I know that he is a rapist.
There was an article recently about a woman who left a monster car rally after drinking 2 beers. Her car was tee-boned and her two sons died. She blew a less than .08 the legal limit but was charged in her 2 sons’ deaths. WHY? She was finally acquitted but why would the prosecuters charge her when she was the victim? I believe that the prosecuters saw a person suffering and salivated. They couldn’t wait to make the suffering worse. My exP did exactly this, all the time. My brother the spath: exactly the same. If you show them any drama they salivate and want to increase the suffering. It’s like letting a wolf smell blood.
http://www.king5.com/news/local/Bonney-Lake-woman-acquitted-in-sons-deaths-105799793.html

Unfortunately, the wolf must maul you FIRST, before the police can act….under the law!
It’s not murder until your dead.

BTW…I couldn’t open this link to read this article…..

This is so tragic. And most of us know how it feels to be silenced or at least censored by others.
Looked at as paranoid, crazy……..we have to selectively choose our ‘stories’….which only enables the sociopaths and hides their activities.

Who wants to be in the position of having a dead child and then being able to say to authorities….I TOLD YOU SO?
No one should be pushed aside and looked at through one eye while in fear…..these people have blood on their hands!!!

When my son was sick I went to Doctor after Doctor and they told me time and again that he was a discipline problem.

It took a lot to tell them NO and trust my judgement over the pros.
To keep going while the world looked on me as a mad rhinocerous.

No one in my closest circles believed me or him that something was very, very wrong.

And I tried some of the things they advised against best judgement but just in case they were right. And ultimately abandoned it.

I can’t imagine how it would be to be this woman, but I do know how hard it it is to stand up to everyone. And to be judged by them and to be belittled even though they are wrong and I am today with so very little tolerance for the unquestioning and lazy because it takes going beyond to make a difference.

And everyone has a chance to make a difference.

Somebody in Wales is suffering conscience over this.

But that woman should have got her daughter the hell out of there, no matter what it took to get it done.

I am sure, no one suffers more than she and I am sorry for it.

But let it be a reminder to us all, there is a time when you just have to let go and get gone. There is no hope for a relationship with one of these and eventually the end will be very bad if you don’t.

Even a coyote will chew off its own leg to escape a trap. We need that coyote instinct for survival once we have been ensnared by evil.

I agree – the mother would have done well to refuse to let her daughter visit with her dad. If you’ve complained hundreds of times to the police about the ex and NOTHING is done to rectify the situation (due to the police having a lazy, blase’ attitude about abuse situations), take matters into your own hands, keeping the daughter away from the violent, rotten father. These stories that I read convince me that we should assume that that worst can happen – what can we do to protect ourselves and our loved ones – go and do it. The girl was a beautiful child with a monster for a dad. He is a lunatic who will Never have remorse over any of his criminal behavior (which really infuriates me).

When my husband started having head aches (a very unusual thing) and was a little mentally “off” I thought I talked to the physician I worked with and due to some medication my husband had taken which COULD CAUSE BAD HEAD ACHES, my doc thought it was that and tried to convince me it was. Went to second doctor who tried the same routine, though by then my husband (neither doc knew him well) was sitting like a zombie–I GOT UP IN THE FACE OF THE DOC AND SAID “READ MY LIPS, MENTAL STATUS CHANGES!!! He responded with anger “Oky, GD IT, we’ll do a CT scan.!”

Well, my husband had a subdural hematoma (blood clot between the brain and skull, putting pressure on the brain) of huge size that required emergency surgery ASAP! Did I get an apology? Of course not, but since it was a slow leak and had apparently been going on for several days or two weeks after a “minor bump on the head” if nothing had been done about it my husband could have a) died, 2) been brain damaged

It pays to keep on trying to find someone to LISTEN in some cases—in other cases, you need help NOW. I am sure Dr. Castillo wishes she had taken her children and run to another country and they might still be alive—or she might have gotten caught, charged with Kidnapping, put in prison and the kids be living with their psychopathic father, which might be worse than them being dead. There ARE things worth than death. But that poor woman, and the mother in the above story I am sure will continue to wonder why no one listened that could have done something, and why they didn’t take more drastic action themselves.

II wish I could say Ii would be like the American mother who took her kids to Holland and was received as a refugee. She was finally allowed to return to US after her kids turned 18 and both testified that their father was abusive to the max—but not everyone is so lucky. There was a mother arrested a couple of weeks ago for taking her kid and fleeing—but was she the Perp or the victim? The daughter didn’t even know she had been “kidnapped”—another woman a coup0le of months ago found her dtr on FB and the dtr didn’t know she had been “kidnapped” either, was the father the abuser and kidnapper, or did he try to save his daughter from the abusive mother? At this point years later, sometimes there is no “good” answer or “right” answer. LIVES HAVE BEEN DESTROYED literally or figuratively.

Ox Drover,

I’m trying to look at this story from all angles, questioning why the 17-year-old daughter (she’s old enough to know if she wants to be in her dad’s company) would agree to visit with her father if he is abusive? I do think that the police didn’t respond to the situation like they should have, excusing themselves by saying that the mother was over-reacting at times. In the end, it’s another tragic story.

Yea, Bluejay, I wondered too about the girl going. It would not surprise me if the daughter was pretty trauma bonded to the father, and/or she could also have been being sexually interacting with the father as well, or she could also have been a psychopath (I don’t doubt that the father is a psychopath!) but that doesn’t mean the daughter wasn’t one too, and keeping the mother stirred up with horror tales, and the whole “game” of the daughter’s got out of hand.

The thing is, the COPS did not do anything to see what the hell was going on, but just dismissed the mother’s cries that THERE IS DANGER HERE.

Dr. Amy Castillo’s cries to the judge that her husband was dangerous to the kids were totally UNHEEDED…but with a story like the one above you don’t know the WHOLE story—but we CAN see there are some missing pieces. So it is possible the father and the girl had a “gasoline and fire” relationship, or he had her trauma bonded…or something we couldn’t even imagine was going on, but whatever it is, it should have been more thoroughly investigated by the cops because she was under age.

Ox Drover,

I understand about trauma bonding, having experienced it myself, probably still experiencing it. What happened to Dr. Amy Castillo’s children was horrific. Her concerns about her ex-husband fell on deaf ears (the judge) – it must have been very frustrating for her, knowing that her ex-husband was capable of violence toward their children (the ex-husband being a mentally unstable person) – she couldn’t fully protect her children from their father. That would be the worst feeling in the world, the helplessness she experienced.

Hi everyone,
After 1 1/2 years of no contact with my ex spath, he visited us. He had been in no contact with my kids for the same period of time, does not want anything to do with them. He was violent before he left, which the kids unfortunatly seen and heard, and when he left we thought he was done. Just before he left I had called the police because he was abusing me mentally as well as being inches away from my face with his fists clenched waiting to pounce on me. Holes in my walls are no new thing…my kids often still look at the holes and shake their head. When the police came the first time, they knew what abuse was and how mentally he was breaking me as well as the signs of possibily him seriously hurting me, because the hate was that much (which I did not understand at the time). The last time I called the police, after he had permanently left, and was only gone 3 days , he had smashed my door down (he had another place to live already with a new women and her 4 kids) and hurt me physcially while I was trying to protect what little I had. My son called 911 while he was abusing me and then he left before the police visited. The police was very disappointing because they actually thought I was upset because he was taking his personal belongings. I was upset because of his violent behavior which affected me and my kids in the worst way. I was so upset when they came that I did not even feel my bruises, he had elbowed me so badly that my breasts were black and blue. The police said that I looked fine, and after a few minutes left,did not ask me to press charges….I was fine as far as they were concerned… they hate domestic violence ….they are so cold towards it, that it is pathetic. After they left I felt the pain starting to come out….later I had to go to the hospital. I did not press charges because my son who called 911 did not want to see his Dad in jail. I left it alone….he was gone anyway. Last week after 1/1/2 years and after possibily a life event that he did not like, he deposited in my mailbox pictures of the kids, when they were months old, torn to shreds, little by little, the faces totally destroyed. School pictures, baby pictures, all there in an envelope in my mailbox, unaddressed, my son had gone to the mailbox to get the mail and found them. My son (14) and my daughter now (18) were both upset and cried. My son was furious that he came to our house, my daughter very upset because her face was completely destroyed. I calmly told them that he has issues, and not to be too upset and I would deal with it. I called the police the next day and guess what ? They hardly know what to do…unless I seen him and unless he DOES something, not much they can do. I filed a report anyway. My lawyer will be sending a letter to his lawyer telling him to stay away. I have phoned the domestic abuse line for possible solutions to my fear. Basically we do not know what he will do next, that is the fear. He is a former alchoholic and his new wife is on drugs so who knows what they can do. Out of money, and he is totally losing control of me and the kids, he is so angry that I can feel it. So what does the law do to protect us, not much, and if I really press on it, they think I am insance, or vindictive. I am fearing him. What can they do to him ? Nothing, unless he strikes, then it might be too late. His anger has gone crazy, why so vindictive after so long ? I needed to share my story with you all.

Dear Survivor lady,

My P son is violent (he is in prison for murder) and I knew he was violent but until he killed her I never even once thought he was capable of murder…he was and still is.

They blame us for everything that goes wrong in their lives. I turned my son into the police for stealing when he was 17, trying to STOP him before it got “serious”—it didn’t stop him and he went to prison at 18 when he got caught (again) stealing (I had nothing to do what him getting caught that time) then when he got out of prison after 2 years, he went back to crime, theft, etc. and when his partner/GF and he got caught and she turned evidence against him, he killed her. He still feels justified in killing her, but HIS WHOLE PROBLEM IS HIS MOTHER TURNED HIM INTO THE COPS WHEN HE WAS 17, or he wouldn’t be in prison now. It is all my fault. He wants revenge. He sent someone to kill me, that didn’t work out, but he will try again if he can.

Anger. Rage. Revenge. Blame. Control.

It is all about finding someone to blame for everything that is wrong in their lives. He is not happy where he is and with 4 more kids, probably broke, and “it is YOUR FAULT. Your fault. Yours and those ungrateful bastard kids of yours that have treated him with disrespect and if you didn’t make him pay child support he would be doing just fine, you bitch” (that is HIS THINKING) He has no reasonable rational way to back any of this up, but that’s his stand none the less….so he does violence to the photographs because he doesn’t yet have the guts to do violence to you or the kids in person. Will he get the guts? I don’t know.

In the meantime the police are not going to prosecute him for “thought crime”—I read some books on stalking, and what he is doing falls under that law. I am not sure what state you live in, but California has some heavy duty laws against stalking, probably one of the best states if you are being stalked, to get help.

I fled my home at one point and went into hiding. I fought against doing so because I didn’t want to “give in” to fear, I wanted to stand and fight…but I finally realized I can’t stay awake 24/7 to guard my house and my person, so I finally got good enough sense to leave. It cost me a lot of money I didn’t have but it was worth it. I am home now, but I know I may have to flee again if push comes to shove and I don’t feel I am safe here any more. For the time being I think I am reasonably safe, but I TAKE PRECAUTIONS. I do NOT live in terror though.

Each of us has to make up their own minds on how to handle our own situation and judge the risk. I wrote a couple of articles on assessing the risk and on stalking. You might look them up here on Love fraud or google. I did a lot of study on stalkers, how to stay out of their way, to legally disappear (you aren’t hiding from the FBI just a stalker) but it is something that requires some serious thought and serious effort. You also have kids to consider so that’s another thing. It is more difficult to hide when you have a kid in school/college.

YOur X may not be physically dangerous. One of my attackers is only dangerous when he thinks he has the upper hand and he doesn’t hate me as much as my P son does, so I’m not afraid of him any more though he is out of prison. He knows darned well he would come here into a FIRE FIGHT and he doesn’t want to get shot. My P son, however, would come here (if he weren’t in prison) even if he knew we had machine guns—he has NO FEAR. That is the scary kind. So you have to assess what level of violence you think your X has, and I can’t help you with that assessment. I wish I could. I was wrong about my own son, but I’m a little better at assessment now I think.

Good luck and God bless. If you can afford it security system and cameras around your house with DVD recorders. BE CAREFUL but don’t live in terror. (((Hugs)))

survivorlady, hopefully EB or Oxy or someone with experience dealing with this type of thing will see your post and respond. I have never had to deal with anything like this but want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. What a horrible thing to do… shredding baby pictures?!?! I feel so bad for you and your kids, a shocking thing for someone to do. I am so glad you contacted the police, your lawyer and the domestic abuse line. I think you are right, he is angry that he has lost control, really creepy, he’s just trying to push your buttons. Do you have a dog/dogs that will bark when someone comes on the property? I have read here from EB that security cameras are not that expensive, more locks on the doors, etc. Keep showing him that you are in charge!! God Bless.

Caution, NOT terror!

You are right Chic, security cameras are not that expensive any more…but just like a restraining order is only a piece of paper, a picture of him killing you won’t save your life. Those “Ninja” killers were in a house that was covered with cameras because the people had special needs kids they had to keep eyes on so the whole murder was caught on tape. Didn’t bring those people back, but did put the a-hole in prison (maybe death chamber) he did get “death” but you know how that goes, maybe 20 years from now they will execute him.

If you’d had a video of him putting the pictures in your mail box, that at least would have proven to the cops he was stalking you. There is some things to be said about having EVIDENCE—and that is why I am SO GRATEFUL we have the letters from the psychopath son to his Trojan Horse psychopath buddy he sent to kill us. It PROVES at least to the cops and hopefully the parole board that the P son is dangerous. So if it keeps him in prison for at least another five years, then that’s five years more he is in there. I don’t know how long we can keep him inside but at the same time, I don’t know how long he can to without a MAJOR RULES VIOLATION EITHER. He had 19 major rules violations in 15 years, including a knife (shank) in his cell and a cell phone and several other rules violations bad enough he got solitary and then shipped to another prison and taken off minimum security. I doubt that he will go 5 years without a major rules infraction so we will do another parole DENIAL REQUEST when his time is up (assuming he gets another 5 year “set off”) but whatever happens I’ll deal with it.

I am made up emotionally now to NOT live in terror, just reasonable CAUTION and making a REALISTIC risk assessment. I KNOW how much he hates me and that is NOT going to get better as time goes on and assuming I get him another set off from parole (however long) he is going to be PISSED. Believe me, he will be UTTERLY PISSED that I have thwarted his plans.

So I know for a fact, he will never give up, never decide he doesn’t want to hurt me or that it is too much trouble or that I am NOT at “fault” for all his problems. As far as he is concerned I am the b1atch from hell and I’ve done nothing but mistreat him since the day he was born.

But I did learn not to let him know what I was planning in advance. I let my buzzard mouth over load my hummingbird butt by trying to “warn him off” by telling him I intended to hire an attorney to fight his parole…so he KNOWS I will/did do so, even if there is no way he can find out “for sure” what I said etc. but he KNOWS. Because he knows I don’t LIE about that kind of thing, and I don’t make IDLE THREATS. But showing your cards isn’t a good idea either. Lived and learned about that.

survivor:
I HIGHLY recommend cameras!!!!! Costco has them cheap and easy to install. Make sure, whatever brand you get, they record.
Keep a digi camera on you at all times.

It’s great that you called the police and INSISTED on a report. It’s true that they ‘won’t’ do anything with ‘each step’……they need documentation…..but if he continues to do this stuff, and you can get it on recording, and THEN spath ‘steps’ it up……and goes further…you’ve built a case with all the documentation and reports…..and at SOME point you can get a stalking order AND if he continues……at SOME point the police WILL do something.

You KNOW him…….and you know what he’s capable of.
Don’t discount him.

But also, you must find a balance to live with……the fear is not healthy and will kill you.
Take measures to protect yourself, and then find the balance.

If he’s back now…..he’ll be back again.

They are like warts, you can burn em…..but they will show back up in another spot in a bit.

REMAIN vigilant….protect yourself, council your kids on safety…….and KNOW YOUR SPATH!

I’m sorry your going through this……I know the feeling……it sucks bad.
BUT…..never give in to the fear! Find peace on your own, even around his crap.

XXOO
EB

Dear Survivor Lady:

I understand.

Sometimes, finding the “peace” means that we bolt and run if the danger is too much to bear, and sometimes it is. I FOOLISHLY would have stood and fought, but how can you stay awake 24/7 and sit by your window with a gun wondering when they are going to climb in another window in your house. My home is not a FORTIFIED BUNKER and there are multiple ways In. (think of all the old cowboy and Indian movies where the Indians put a blanket over the fire place and smoke them out.)

I realized if he was determined, I couldn’t defend, and don’t want to live in a state of siege anyway, so I ran just far enough away they couldn’t find me. I thought it might be forever, but it wasn’t, thank God, but still I am vigilent and careful and take CAUTION seriously, but my attitude is NOT terror. Caution is what we DO, that is good sense. Terror (or not terror) is how we FEEL I think.

TERROR keeps us from thinking straight, but CAUTION makes us think straight. Terror just bolts off in every direction hoping one of them is the right way, but CAUTION picks their way carefully through the minefields.

But Caution will not take on all the bad guys when you know your ammunition is low or there is nothing to duck behind….a retreat at times is GOOD SENSE. So plan your situation with assessment and CAUTION, not terror! PICK your battles.

survivorlady,

You definitely are a survivor and a lady. I feel badly that you and your children are facing this unnecessary, horrible experience (courtesy of the ex-husband). You and your children are in my prayers. Don’t you just get so tired of the unending drama, wanting a permanent break from it all? Peace to you.

I must admit the police in Elizabethtown Ky. were great. My lawyer kept saying they wouldn’t come and they came to help me each time I called them. They would stay until he left my house. I couldn’t have asked for more support. They told me serveral things to do to protect myself. I am sorry that all police do not do their job or care enough to support others in my position.

Survior Lady,

I am sorry for your troubles even though you have done the right thing and stayed away. I have been in your situation many times with the same man and although we feel scared, we can’t let their antics interfere with our life. Protecting yourself can give you peace of mind though; someone suggested a camera, alarms are good, and even weapons (safetly kept) will help. I am sure you have been here before and for some reason it feels scarier when we are no longer with them than when they are angrily screaming in our face with fists clenched. Remember these sicko’s feed off causing fear in others, so make sure he does not get encouraged by your reaction. There are scarier things to face being a single mother, right. Survivor Lady just try not to scare yourself with “what if’s”, take actions to protect you and your children, and stay strong. Also record phone calls or txts and this could give him a reason to be served with another order or protection or go to jail so that you can prove to him you are not taking it. I completely understand your situation and my children and I have done our best to stay normal and positive, but there were definately times when I did not want to let them play outside or had thoughts of changing jobs because I had to be outside by myself at dark. This too shall pass! Seek God and his infinite wisdom, understanding, and blessings!

Dear Survivorlady,

Shojo has some good advice for you, and mine goes right along with it, don’t live in TERROR, but protect yourself. Keep strong in your faith and support your kids in this because they are also suffering (which is what he intended) but your children are fortunate in that they don’t buy what he is selling and they have YOU!!! Hopefully this will keep them from being victims of psychopaths in the future. Educate them on the “Llove bombs” and the “red flags” to learn to spot them before the devaluation and the stalking. That is the most important life education they can have. (((hugs)))) and God bless.

survivorlady – your story resonates with me also.

My spath has a terrible rage. He had it when I first met him although he hid it well for quite a while. I found out he had it because his mother told me one time. Now all his rage is turned towards me. I am the sole party responsible for destroying his life. He tells our daughter that continuously. He has shared custody. He tells her I am a bad mom. That I am a slut. He tries to make her choose between us.

He uses anger to control. He throws things. Holes in the walls. Kicked my bedroom door in. Kicked the cat. Screams at the cat.

Seems he is ramping up. And I am getting worried for my daughter. She is hitting her teens, and no longer malleable to his ideas and manipulations. He does not like to be disagreed with.

I too have no idea how to keep us safe, when I cannot even get the courts to take him seriously. I was able to get a P.O. but that was in a different county. The county the divorce case and child custody is in is terribly backwards as far as abuse.

They think I am vengeful and spiteful. I have no idea what they base that on, except his lies. He has shown no proof. I thought you needed “hard copy” proof.

I also called my advocate. They said I can try to get a P.O. against him for my daughter, but without physical abuse that can be terribly difficult. They won’t really do anything until it is too late.

And, if I do succeed in getting her a P.O., it will only make him angrier, and feeling the loss of control, more likely to strike out even worse. And I do not think he will do anything himself….his M.O. is to manipulate others to do his dirty work. He has had friends and family stalking me, until they wised up.

If he decides to take us out, I won’t see it coming. Because it won’t be him.

Dear Stillinshock, we for sure have many similiarities, and it is quite sad how these monsters are in our lives, and when kids are involved…more so.My kids are 14 and 18 and they have seen, heard, and assessed.Your daughter is younger and so much more impressionable, and this is what your ex is banking on. I find it hard to believe that in 2010 we are still battling the courts in terms of seeming sane. Sometimes the more we say the worse it seems, they really do think we are crazy at times, “overreacting”. Keep on telling your daughter that you love her, and I truly believe that your spath will one day do something that will enlighten her. I am not sure how old she is, but that is what happened to my daughter, she was 16 when she suddenly woke up, saw her Dad kick in the door, and immediatly thought he was “not quite right upstairs”. She made up her mind the next day that her Dad needed help, and if she felt frightened of him, that was not a normal feeling. I did not say much on that, because she was right on. And as her father was making more and more violent gestures, she made her decision that he was not a father only into himself, and she did not want contact with him. On another occassion after my ex moved out, he came back for more violent attacks and after hitting me my son calling 911, my son made his decision that his Dad was not quite right, and also made his decision of no contact. My ex left messages on the answering machine and they were violent, obscene words at the kids for not responding to his calls….I taped it and took it to my lawyer, just in case. My ex never did attempt for custody….did not even try, knew it was a lost cause, he was more concerned about the property. They will give up on the kids if they feel they have lost their way into their “soul”.
As a result, my ex discarded the kids and kids never forget that they were discarded. His loss and my gain. So my ex;s stupid moves did him in, not me, not my words, nothing I did could have made him look any worse, he did a fine job all my himself. Protect yourself, record the messages, take digitals of things that are not quite right, it will all come into place. Until the kids are young you need to be a pace ahead of him, try to know what he is up to, its actually easy to do, becasue they think they are so smart, that they can become real stupid. Listen to what your children are saying and act on anything that you feel is suspicous, consult a domestic violence group for advise.I found that womens help groups are much more helpful than police, police wait till the violence take place, the help groups try to prevent the violence. Check to see what is available in your area.
You need to understand that their mental abuse is worse than physcial,they play on the kids mind, and that is abuse.
Start making a plan, for your kids and your sanity, because they need you, without you your daughter will belong to him.
Take care, we cannot control him, but you can control your own plan. Be proactive. Take care, and we are here if you need us.

Dear Survivorlady,

Your advice to stillinshock is right on! The support we get and give here makes me want to cry sometimes in gratitude for what LF makes available to us. WE ARE NOT ALONE in this, there ARE others that do understand.

TOWANDA! SL!!!!!

Stillinshock, hang in there….do the best you can, that is all a jack ass can do! You can’t pull a load heavier than you can pull, so don’t kick yourself if you can’t pull it. I think most of us have tried to pull the loads all by ourselves and sometimes they are just too heavy to move even for a team of draft horses! We don’t have to let them beat us and we don’t for sure need to beat ourselves! (((Hugs)))) I think S-lady is right, he will undermine himself with the kids if they are ever to get it, by trying to warn them, you only make yourself look “bad” and they will defend him—sort of like a teen-aged romance, it will run its course if you just let it go. Hopefully the damage will be minimal!

Thanks…..she is a very bright 12 year old. She has already figured him out. She doesn’t want to see him anymore, however, we are too scared to go to court just yet, because if she tells the judge what she wants and the judge denies her…..it will be ten times worse when she has to go back to her dads.

We are waiting for him to seal his own fate, basically……or we are hoping he just gets tired of her not being the perfect little daughter that lovingly agrees with everything he says, and loses interest in her. I would rather it be his idea to stop seeing her…..he does tell her from time to time that he knows she doesn’t like him, and then he breaks down and cries! But he just doesn’t understand that she gets tired of his anger and him blaming me for everything, calling me names, complaining to everyone that will listen about me…..and she also gets upset when he screams or kicks the cats.

I do have her in counseling, and I have talked with her a lot, and been honest with her. I don’t put him down, but I have started explaining mental illness a little, since she is now in Junior High. It seems to help her quite a bit to understand and not take any of it personally.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

stillinshock – if she is a very bright girl, and mature enough you can tell her a lot more than a bit about mental illness. I knew a great deal about some of my family members at that point, and i wish that i had known more.

My only caution is that she might say something to him out of frustration or whatever about his true nature which could come back to harm her.

you have my best wishes in this horrible situation.

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