lf2

Power, money and psychopaths

“Many of the people running Wall Street and D.C. are literally pscyhopaths.” This quote is from an article written by Washingtons Blog, and reposted on The Big Picture, a blog hosted by the well-respected Wall Street money manager, Barry Ritholtz. The article explains how these pathological predators are ripping apart our economy and society, and why no one is doing anything about it.

Read: Scandal after scandal, lie upon lie — what’s going on? on Ritholtz.com.

Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.


Comment on this article

68 Comments on "Power, money and psychopaths"

Notify of

Donna, thank you for posting this link.

Nobody’s doing anything “about it” simply because we’re a culture of Sheeple. We trust “our betters” who seem to “know what they’re talking about” rather than ask questions and view all people as potential predators until such time as they have proven, through their own actions, that they are trustworthy.

Our economy has been shattered because we “trust” the powers that be to make “good decisions” for the “better of humanity,” and they simply don’t. It’s all about money in THEIR pockets, not ours.

VERY good article, and thank you so much for posting this.

Perhaps, because we are no longer a self-reliant culture, we place too much trust where it has no business being placed, at all.

Personally, I’m intending upon doing a WHOLE lot of bartering in the future. Yeah, we need money to pay bills, but trading goods and services is much more reasonable.

Katrina vanden Heuvel
Opinion Writer
Time for ’Banksters’ to be prosecuted
Text Size PrintE-mailReprints
By Katrina vanden Heuvel,

“Banksters,” the cover of the Economist magazine charges, depicting a gaggle of bankers dressed as extras off the “Goodfellas” lot. The editors were reacting to Libor-gate, the collusion among traders of major banks to fix the London interbank offered lending rate, the most recent, most obscure and the most explosive revelation from what seems a bottomless pit of corruption in global banks.

Once more the big banks are exposed in systematic fraudulent activity. When Barclays agreed to a $450 million fine for trying to rig the Libor, its CEO offered the classic excuse: Everyone does it. Once more the question remains: Will CEOs and CFOs, as well as traders, be prosecuted? Or will they depart with their multimillion dollar rewards intact, leaving shareholders to pay the tab for the hundreds of millions in fines?

The Barclays settlement exposed that traders colluded to try to fix the Libor rate. This is the rate used as the basis for exotic derivatives as well as mortgages, credit card and personal loan rates. Almost everyone is affected. Fixing the rate even a few hundreds of a percentage point could make Barclays millions on any single day money taken out of the pockets of consumers and investors. Once more the banks were rigging the rules; once more their customers were their mark.

The stakes are staggering. The Libor should be as good as gold. It pegs the value of up to $800 trillion in financial instruments. The collusion was systematic and routine. Investigations are underway not only in the United Kingdom but also in the United States, Canada and the European Union. Those named in the probes are all the usual suspects: JPMorgan Chase, Citibank, UBS, Deutsche Bank, HSBC, UBS and others. This wasn’t rogue trading, as the Economist concludes; it was more like a cartel.

The Economist writes that what has been revealed here is “the rotten heart of finance,” a “culture of casual dishonesty.” Once more the big banks are revealed to have allowed greed to trample any concern about trust, respect or legality.

As investment analyst David Kotok suggests, consider the implications of the Barclays settlement: The general counsel tells the bank’s directors that the bank is offered a settlement for a half-billion dollars in fines, with the resignation of the chair of the board, the chief executive and the chief operating officer, with others to follow. The board, knowing the evidence, agrees to take that deal. Other banks are in line for the same level of culpability.

We are five years since Wall Street’s excesses blew up the global economy, and the scandals just keep coming. Each scandal reinforces the need for tough regulation and tough enforcement. Each scandal proves over again the importance of breaking up the big banks. Each scandal raises the question of personal responsibility. How come borrowers are prosecuted for defrauding their banks, but bankers seem never to be prosecuted for defrauding their customers? George Osborne, the conservative British chancellor of the Exchequer, put it succinctly: “Fraud is a crime in ordinary business why shouldn’t it be so in banking?” He is demanding action: “Punish wrongdoing. Right the wrong of the age of irresponsibility.”

We haven’t heard anything like that out of Washington. Libor-gate once more exposes how lax this administration has been on the banks and how irresponsible and, frankly, craven Republicans and Mitt Romney have been on this question. Romney echoes the know-nothing Republican right’s call for repealing what little bank regulation has been passed since the financial collapse primarily the Dodd-Frank legislation. He touts deregulation in the wake of a global economic calamity caused in large part by the misguided belief that banks can police themselves.

Not surprisingly, Romney and Republicans are raking in donations from Wall Street. But they are catering to banksters that know no shame. For example, one of the most powerful Wall Street lobbying groups is the Securities Industry and Financial Markets Association, which has been leading the drive to weaken Dodd-Frank and exempt derivatives from transparency. Its chair was Jerry del Missier, the COO of Barclays, who lost his job and apparently his chairmanship in Libor-gate. Why are we not surprised?

Last January, Barclays’ hard-edged CEO Robert E. Diamond Jr. announced that it was time for bankers to get their brass back. “There was a period of remorse and apology for banks,” he declared. “I think that period is over.” More and more of the customers defrauded by bankers might agree. They are tired of fake remorse and ritual apology. That period is over. It is time for prosecutions to begin.

Our government overwhelms us with rules and regulations so that people would rather turn over their power to someone else, just so they don’t have to deal with all of that mumbo jumbo.

A perfect example is my community association.
All the psychopaths are running the board because nobody wants to do it. When I was on the board, I rooted out the main corrupter and exposed her. She resigned. Guess what?
I’m gone, so SHE’S BACK! (caps are yelling)

mumbo jumbo

Exactly, Hens! With MUMBO JUMBO! That’s how they do it. The whole economical stuff and language is pure word salad of abstrast names and concepts that people hardly understand or think they could ever make sense of.

It has the “math/physics” effect. If I were to say “2nd degree equation solvable with a discriminant” (math), or “the number of Avogadro” (chemistry) most adults get the chills. All they know it was difficult to learn those things when they had teen brains. It’s familiar, but hardly anybody still knows what it was again, except how difficult it was at their 14-15 to learn and comprehend it… all people think is “Difficult”!

And this fear and nigthmarish feeling is used by spaths to keep control over financial institutions and the economy, because they feel safe that other people won’t dare to volunteer to know enough to do something about it.

🙁

The spath used this technique on me trying to make me feel dumb, tell me I couldn’t do it well or good enough ot wouldn’t be able to handle such a situation… I often had to remind myself that I wasn’t a helpless, dumb creature who couldn’t get things done, using examples of situations and stuff I did either all by myself and well, or when other people depended on me. That man tried to make me believe I couldn’t travel by myself because I was too dumb to find a bus station or something, though I’ve traveled more of the world all by myself fine for a decade all over the globe, even with tourists in tow who had no issues with my public transport skills, who handled a panick crisis after a rafting incident in the middle of the jungle, or sheltering safely during a hurricane type 5 the size of France. And yet that man managed to make me feel dumb and helpless and clumsy. All he had to do was rush me and disorientate me.

That’s how bankers spaths make people feel about economy and keep it out of our hands.

Hokey pokey dominokey!

I have a pin/button that says:

Hokey Pokey Anonymous:
A place where you can really turn your life around.

😛

Romney keeps getting caught in lies and it bothers me; so I stopped by here, and you guys are talking about lies and Washington. I think he could be a sociopath. He has a book called No Apology. He doesn’t remember his bullying acts in college. He keeps getting caught on lies that show his two faces of dichotomies; I don’t know why he thinks he can get away with it, he’s on camera! And what is scary is that his whole doctrine is about never apologizing; so he has no regret. I think it’s suspect at any rate. About wallstreet there is an article called lessons from the brain damaged investor that talks about investors with frontal lobe brain damage are better investors, because that is the part of the brain connected with empathy.

Love your hokey poky button dupster. Here’s one for you:
How many spaths does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Anyone can feel free to answer.

Okay. Ya give up?
It doesn’t take any, because THEY use gaslighting.

ROFLMAO, Kim

Hey, Bird, how in the world are you!!!!! How is the baby birdie? My gosh he must be talking a blue streak by now! I think about you two often and I’m glad that you stopped by!

You know me, I think that ALL politicians are psychopaths and con men (women) and every one is as crooked as a dog’s hand leg!

Look at how many politicians lately have either been forced out of office or gone to prison? (or both!)

kim,
bwahahahahaha!
that’s an upgrade on the old, “how many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?”

“one. He holds the lightbulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.”

bwahahahhahahaha!
😆

KIM! ROTFLMAOTMNR!!!!!!!!

SKYLAR!!! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!!!! (snort, wheeze)

I NEEDED some good “nyuks,” this morning!!!! LOL

The first post said that “Trust” is one of the reasons why others lose control. This is true for Sociopath, people gave them trust.

You’re right David. People do give spaths their trust because they know how to insidiously inspire trust in their (unsuspecting) victims.

I suggest http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1016268/
for anyone interested in hearing and watching true spaths at work. Have your vomit bag ready.

One of my greatest realizations over the last 18 months has been about how some of us turn over our lives to others. We trust their judgment, we trust their intelligence, and we trust their compassion.

What I have discovered is that I put my trust in the wrong people. Then I began to think that maybe many of us trust others for the wrong reasons.

I know that trust is necessary in relationships of all types. Personal and professinal. We need this to function. However, it seems to me that we are also putting too much trust in our elected officials, bankers, attorneys, therapists, doctors, coaches, and pastors.

Hitler succeeded for a reason. He was able to create a following of people in Germany that had a “father” like image of him and that he would NEVER do them harm.

The Soviet Union is another large example. After many years their socialist principles collapsed. Why? There are many socio-economic reasons.

My concern is now with our culture. The more we shift to our government providing housing, food, jobs, etc. the more I think we are giving many psychopaths – eager for the job – the carte blance to abuse us and control us.

Think about it? Besides your psychopath who else have you GIVEN your trust away to in your life?

Hope52, this is true. And, the unfortunate aspect of this whole “trust” in gubmint agencies, etc., is that the shift of economic control is utterly centered around “power.” The “power-less” have very few options and the “power-ful” wield their status with impunity.

Today, I don’t “give” my trust to anybody. I work to make things happen, but I have to trust myself in all decisions. Ugly lesson, sure. But, a valuable one, absolutely.

Brightest blessings

I’m posting this here because I have no clue where else. Just a minor set back….Long story short:

I’m cleaning my house today and I found some belongings of my ex. It of course triggered my emotions. I actually discovered I have and have had some great deal of minor belongings of his (I’m throwing it all away). Some I bet annoys him, mostly the electronics, but I’m wondering why did he never come to get them? He tried to fraud me for lots money about a car and he did threaten me with police regarding the other belonging which he received (even though he did not have to rights to due to the money he owed me). I haven’t seen him since the day after the worst rape, but a few weeks ago he drove right past me and I could see it was him. I tried to drive up front beside him (I wanted to see him in the eye), but he kept gassing on so I never really got to see his face. I got the feeling he was avoiding me. Why would he avoid me? Is it fear that I would hold him responsible? There must be a sense of shame? Or..? Am I kidding my self?

I thought he was so greedy ( because he’s the most greedy person I’ve ever met) that he would come back and get it all. He did tell me that he defrauded a woman once and she worked at a particular gasstation which he avoided in case she would try to get her money back. I’m thinking if a spath avoids they must have a clear sense of what they have done. I’ve been avoiding him out of pure fear so I’m a littlebit baffled over this.

Reality check please!

Sunflower, he has no sense of shame, believe it. He IS greedy. Understand this fact about the spath: everything is expendable and can be replaced. From electronics to cars to targets – EVERYTHING.

The exspath did the same thing. He wrote a “list” of personal belongings that he wanted to collect and left behind a TON of stuff that, previously, had been “so important” to him.

EXPENDABLE…….put that word in your spath vocabulary. Everything is expendable.

They “know” that they’ve done something that might result in consequences – you bet they do. But, they DO NOT FEEL ANYTHING (these last caps are allowed to be interpreted as a raised voice). They don’t feel. They do not feel. They cannot feel. They have no shame. They have no conscience. They have no pity. They do not experience any sense of remorse or shame – not on any level, Sunflower.

Shove the cog/diss out of your head and disallow yourself from trying to read too much into his abandonment of his own stuff – he abandoned you, right?

Brightest blessings and strong hugs

Yes he abandoned me and tried to come back three months later. I said hell NO. Made completely no sense at all.

Anyways, thank you so much! Pushing it out of my head and continue cleaning, making my house a home with candle light and warmth from the fireplace. Later a nice dinner and a good book, just for me 🙂

Hugs!

Sunflower:

I don’t know how much my comments will help, but mine has done the same thing. Total avoidance. I think it’s just easier…avoiding is easy. It diverts the drama. They don’t want to deal with it (whatever “it” is) so they just AVOID. Mine is notorious for this. I don’t really know why. I don’t know if there is shame involved. I tend to think “maybe,” but the word on Lovefraud is they have no shame so I guess I have to accept that. But according to skylar, they do have bypassed shame. I don’t know…confusing. All we do know, Sunflower, is that we are being avoided and it’s no fun no matter what the circumstances or reasons. The avoidance, the ignoring, the rejection…it’s all a lot to take. Soooo sorry this has triggered you and gave you a bit of a setback, but you will be OK. You’ll start the healing again from this spot and on and on it will go. HUGS.

Louise, the hardest thing for me to accept and process is the fact that spaths really and truly do not feel remorse. They simply don’t. What they “may” feel is nothing that is within the “normal” human spectrum. They are, IMHO, simply predatory organisms walking around in human cammoflage.

In biology, mimicry is prevalent throughout the animal and plant kingdoms. The “robber fly” mimics a bumblebee so that they won’t be eaten by predators. Many plants mimic insect hormones so that they’ll be polenated and propagate.

So, I’ve had to sort this bit out about spaths in accordance with mimicry. Spaths mimic human behaviors, but they are clearly lacking in whatever falls within “normal” interactions. They are, for all intents and purposes, just like the pitcher plant or robber fly – they might smell, walk, talk, and reproduce like a human being, but they do not behave with any motivation of empathy or remorse.

This, for me, has been the hardest fact to accept. I was not raised to believe that there are “bad human beings” and the very truth of “predatory” human beings was limited to serial murderers and child molesters. I never learned (or, was taught) that ordinary, everyday human beings could be predators, and this is the one truth that we abhor the most.

Brightest blessings

Sunflower & Louise, the “avoidance” is what we – the survivors – interpret their behaviors to be. In Spathspeak, it’s simple dismissal and devaluing. We are expendable just the same as a disposable lighter is. Once the fluid is gone from the lighter, it’s disposed of. The same goes forth with spath targets. Whatever they take us for, once it’s been used up and exploited, we are discarded like snotrags.

We try to explain what’s been done to us using OUR terminology and systems of beliefs. I feel that’s where our confusion is based. We cannot process the fact that the spaths are inhuman because we couldn’t possibly love or care about someone who was anything BUT human.

Just my attempts to process my own experiences have pretty much debunked nearly every belief that I held to be true. For instance, someone who would say (literally), “I won’t ever abuse you like that. You can trust me,” was taken as a true statement by the words that were uttered. In Spathspeak, the exspath was REALLY saying, “I’ll abuse you in OTHER ways, and your trust is primary so that I CAN abuse you, financially.”

More blessings of the brightest type

Thank you my dearest friends.

Louise, Truthy is right. The avoidance is about disclaiming responsibility. When I thought about what Truth said, my ex never did take responsibility at all, he was hoping I would breake up so he wouldn’t have to be the “bad guy” (his grandiosity speaking) . He didn’t even dare to say it himself, a complete coward. The bypassed shame is about the same. They lay the shame upon you to ressolve it for them and they rely on it. Think of it as a cloud they have outside of their minds and bodies which they never take in- they’re just gluing it onto somebody else.

I remember I sat in the car once, just looking at him and I was so stunned. It was like watching a robot, there was not any thoughts, feelings, no nothing. He had needs of a toddler and that was it. Air, food, poop – DONE. (+ the adult side of it SEX).

It’ my belief that is exactly what they are doing. Taking one more thing from you. You are seemingly wanting to make eye contact and they maintain control making sure you DO NOT get what they believe you want as they only take and don’t give. NO SHAME. Just take and game. Sorry…..

Show them nothing. Make them nothing but a flake on your shoulder to be flicked off. If you portray even the smallest fragment of want/need, they will play it and make sure you regret it or at the very least walk away keeping them on your mind wondering “why would they do that?” Any time you spend pondering them (which it’s very difficult not to do while trying to wrap our heads around what has happened) they are controlling you and enjoying it. Do your best to shove them out of your mind and busy doing something else.

I found myself talking to myself whenever psycho entered the picture. I believe it was the only way to work through all the crazy crap being dished out. My daughter was about 3 years old when she walked around the corner and said “who you talkin to mama?” That’s when I first realized he was affecting me this way. He got me again 10 years later and I have spent 3 years tallking to myself to work out the psychosis they bring and this time it was in the form of a court battle. I likened it in counseling yesterday to having a psychological/emotional hurricaine but nobody actually sees the catastrophe you have truly gone through…….like a real hurricaine.

Sunflower,
yes I experienced that. Right after I left him, I went to talk to him at the airport and he didn’t want me to see him. He had not bathed, he stunk and looked homeless.

Next time I saw him, he planned to meet me somewhere, and he had showered and looked as good as he could (for an ugly spath). I reached into his car and took a GPS module I had bought him. I said, “this is mine. ” He was angry but he said, “fine take what you want.”

IMO, there are layers here. This is a game and they aren’t winning if they didn’t have it planned to see you and to game you. They have to have the upper hand at all time.

So this is the “shame” that you are seeing, which they usually keep hidden. It’s the same reason that they never let you see them learning or practicing something. They only let you see once they are good enough and it appears that they have a natural talent. They always have to appear perfect, anything less is too painful to them. To be seen as human or flawed in anyway is unbearable to them. Spath even said this once about shooting a film from his helicopter for the TV news. He said, “I’d rather give them nothing than give them something that isn’t perfect.” Most people would be pleased to receive a video of a fire shot from a helicopter, even if it isn’t perfect. But the spath doesn’t care about that, he only imagines derision for not being better than everyone else.

As far as the GPS I took, he had always planned to come back and kill me so giving me the GPS back was just a concession toward later gaining what he really wants.

In your case, Sunflower, he may have left the stuff there as an excuse to come back later and get his foot in the door, once he has a plan or strategy to get something from you.

Edit:
another spath I knew, whom I had also beaten at his own game, literally got up and ran out of a restaurant, with his minion, when he saw me walk in. I saw him high tailing it out the back door. At one point, he was so filled with shame that he actually said, “I can’t stand to be in your presence.”

Truth, you are so spot on, it’s our interpretation based on our perseption, not theirs. I tend to forget that.

Eralyn, right. Show them nothing. I need to find a strategy to rehears it so that is exactly what I’ll do the next time. Noted! Do they actually sense that we’re thinking about them?

Skylar, Well, that’s why I don’t allow to let my gard down. I’m afraid if I do so, he will take me by surprise and I’ll end up at scratch again. I got a gut feeling last year that would be his plan therefore I went “underground” to stay safe and work on getting my self and my strenght back before that time. Then he took contact three months later and I thought ok, that was it and relaxed. Maybe I should be aware it may just happen…but can they come years later???! It’s been well over a year now, c’mon…

Somebody should really make a spath translation book. Could be very useful.

I found this at http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/

” psychopathic mindset. Psychopaths live in an Orwellian doublethink world. They believe the truth of the moment while actively seeking new opportunities. We might as well call it a “psychopath-think,” since such individuals have their own language. It is a language of narcissism; a delusional doublespeak. For example, to a psychopathic seducer, “I love you” means “You give me a rush at this moment.” “You love me” translates as “you forgo your needs to bend to my will.” “Trust me” means “What a sucker!” “You’re the woman of my life,” translates into “You’re one of a long, indefinite sequence of women that’s also simultaneous” (Psychopaths have their own version of math as well).

“Mutual fidelity” means “you need to be faithful to me while I cheat on you.” “Betrayal” means “You dared disapprove of something I did” or “You disobeyed me in some respect.” “Mutual commitment” translates into “You need to revolve everything in your life only around me while I do exactly what I want.” “Honesty” means “My truth,” or “Saying whatever gets me what I want at the moment.” “I miss you” means “I miss the function you played in my life because I’m a little bored right now.” “What my Baby wants, my Baby gets” means “I’ll give you attention, flattery and gifts only until I hook you emotionally and gain your trust. Afterwards, Mazeltov Baby! You’re on your own.” “I cheat because my wife/girlfriend doesn’t satisfy me” means “”and neither will you, in a few months, at most.” “We belong together” means “I own you completely while I remain free.” “If anything happens between us, it won’t be because of me” means “Nothing’s ever my fault. If I do something harmful, it’s because you (and others) weren’t good enough for me.” Unless you learn to decipher the psychopathic code, you’re likely to be “lost in translation.” If I put my mind to it, I could write a whole dictionary of “psychopath-speak” and its translation into regular human language.

Every so-called “truth” psychopaths utter is momentary and contingent upon their immediate gratification. Since their feelings are shallow, so is their truth-value. If you add “for now” to their declarations of love, they may sometimes ring plausible.”

Rings so very true.

Truthspeak:

Thanks so much for the mimicry lesson. I loved that. Anything I can learn…I am like a sponge.

I know you are right. The avoidance to us is just that. To them, it is devaluing and discarding.

I have a small story though and I want to see what people think of this. When I was trying to get closure and he wouldn’t give it to me, I texted him and told me he had discarded me like a used tissue. Oh, boy…did that get his attention! He had totally ignored me for two full months, but within two hours of receiving that text, he texted back and said he wanted to meet! I think he wanted to kill me. Well, not really, but you know what I mean. That text apparently really did something to him, but guess what? He wasn’t there! I jumped at my chance for closure and drove to where he said he was and he wasn’t even there! And never answered another text from me! What a piece of work!!!! That’s when I initiated no contact for good. What to make of that?? Anyone have any ideas?

Edit: I think maybe for one second he felt shame, but it passed. That is him. I think he does have fleeting emotions, but they are very fleeting and never last. I think it was just a moment.

Louise,
I can only imagine how much pleasure your pain gave him, when you told him you felt like used tissue. You gave him a hook and he wanted to magnify that pain, that’s why he didn’t show up.

Sunflower:

I know all about irresponsibility. He is not responsible at all yet has a high six figure income executive level job! Explain that!!! How can someone so unreliable keep a job like that?? None of it makes sense…none if it. And he was the one who told me out of his own mouth, “I’m unreliable.” So believe me, I KNOW he doesn’t want to take any responsibility. But he will ACT like he is taking responsibility if it will make him look good! You bet. He is extremely convincing. It’s devil like. I’ve never met anyone like him.

You are right…there is nothing there.

Louise:

One: He was scared he was revealed and wanted to shut you up. Two: did not show up to mindf*ck you even more. He was never going to give you your closure and it was planned from the moment you texted him. He was just testing his control over you. It was just fun for him and he relaxed, you’d never tell on him.

Just my first immediate thought.

AND how he can keep a job like that? Because he make others do the work for him while he’s taking the money and glory for it.

skylar:

Good point. That is most likely what happened. If that is what he was thinking, it didn’t work. I texted him a week later to tell him I showed up and he wasn’t there. I proceeded to tell him I wasn’t mad…that I didn’t think he would be there anyway. OMG!! I probably just made him even more mad without even realizing I did it! He wanted me to feel pain by him not showing up, but instead, I told him that I wasn’t even mad. Hahaha! I do these things so unwittingly. I had no idea what I was probably doing to his “dupe.” Ahhhhhh, I love it. No wonder he didn’t answer me.

Sunflower:

Thanks. Good points. It is absolute control. I have always known that.

You bet he makes others do the work and he takes credit. It’s awful.

Louise,
LOL!
killing them with kindness. It really drives them crazy.

Louise,

I would go with Sky’s suggestion. He got your text of pain and he just thought it was a great opportunity to humiliate you even more: by making you go there, expecting/hoping him to be there, having you wait and wait, and then he never showed.

skylar:

No kidding! OMG…seriously. I didn’t even realize this is what my responses may have been doing to him. He doesn’t know how to handle that I think…the killing him with kindness (which is what I was doing). He knows how rotten he is and instead I just kept being sweet. What can he do with that??? I don’t think he’s used to that either…seriously. Most people have no problem telling him he’s an ass. But that’s just not me. I’m not going to do that no matter how dreadful he is.

Thanks for replying to me and triggering this revelation.

darwinsmom:

I agree and I am so humiliated now, I could never face him. However, I have to wonder if he was getting back at me for a time I ignored him over a year ago. You know they love revenge. I wouldn’t doubt if he was just trying to make me hurt for ignoring him.

What he can do with your sweetness? Destroy it and make you as hateful as he is.

I’m really not the right person to say this, but.. ehm… the sooner you accept that he really doesn’t give a d*mn the better for your recovery. He doesn’t care if you are ignoring him, that’s just wishful thinking on your part. I’m sorry, I know it hurts. You’re only looking for some sort of validation of your value to him so it will pain less.

Sunflower,
I think Louise’s point is that she never reacted how he expected. He does want her to hate him, but she never showed that. She only showed kindness. So he failed over and over again. He lost the game and he can never understand why.

That’s the shame he feels when he is ignored. They hate being abandoned. They want to be the ones who abandon us. They want to control our reactions and have us come when they call and then they don’t show up so that we feel abandoned. But Louise didn’t give him that satisfaction AGAIN, she told him it was ok and that she understood.

My spath hated that about me. Near the end he said, “I’m tired of your God-like ways!” lol. They don’t understand compassion.

Yes, I agree to that, however the trap for us is to look for signs of validtation, whatever it is or how it comes. My spath said the same to me and still it’s just a minor bug, because they don’t understand they’ve lost the game. My ex lost the game when I didn’t come back, but I really don’t think it affected him in any ways. He just trolled on to the next.

I’m glad on Louises behalf, 1-0 to her.

hope52 wrote:

“One of my greatest realizations over the last 18 months has been about how some of us turn over our lives to others. We trust their judgment, we trust their intelligence, and we trust their compassion.

….”

Great post and so true. I see this in everyday life and politics.
People voted and vote the way they do because they swallowed hook-line-and-sinker the promises and the lies about who ‘loved them’ the most. Empty promises… unsubstantiated claims and accusations against the opponent – gets ’em all the time!

I come from a one-party state where the last three Speakers of the State House of Representatives have been convicted and served time in jail for crimes committed while in office. And yet, the voters continue to ‘go back’ to these same politicians, their associates and their party.

sunflower,
you are absolutely right about the traps — and there are many.
It’s because we anthropomorphize them. We try to think like they do, but eventually we will slip into that human habit of “filling in the blanks” with our own motivations and feelings.

That is what they count on.

Fixerupper:
Totally agree. My community has a board of directors for our well water association. I uncovered that one woman had been creating problems and doing things that she shouldn’t have done. She resigned. As soon as I left, she got re-elected to the board. WTF? It’s because nobody wants the responsibility.

The last several posts together could serve as a treatise or at least abstract for what I just went through with my ‘spath’ (ex) girlfriend.

Devalue and Dismiss was the effect. We shared a lot about our lives – fears – bad experiences – ‘triggers’ – past incidents of abuse, abandonment. All of this was used in a calculated and timed way against me in the end. The break-up incorporated soem of the fears that I had told her about related to abandonment and betrayal. Then, she had the gall to invite me to ‘couples counselling’ to communicate and seek closure. It was a trick. Nothing of the sort even came close to happening. She used the ‘sessions’ to berate and cast me in the darkest possible way in front of a ‘third party,’ the therapist. Why was this necessary?

Her aim, in her words, was for me to “Own EVERYTHING,” about what was wrong or had gone wrong with our relatoinship. It was a total shifting of blame and projection of bad behaviour onto me by her. Oh, and maybe it’s related, but her most often repeated assertion in the almost two years of our relationship was “I don’t cheat.” There’s no way I could believe that now.

I have been stunned and numb and devastated. I am now seeking help for PTSD symptoms. It has been a little over three months and the symptoms are getting worse. I don’t want to kill myself. I keep going for my son and other obligations. It’s not that feeling of “I want to die,’ it’s the feeling that I feel like I am dying and breaking down piece by piece. I am trying to understand what is happening physiologically and mentally.

Thank you for the great information and insight. I don’t remember how in the world I found this blog – but it must have been meant to be.
But, interesting, even with the expanded knowledge and sharing the forces at work seems to have their own course and agenda inside of me – like a worm/virus working its way through my computer.

Sunflower:

It’s OK. I do not take offense at all. I understand. And believe it or not, I do have quite a bit of anger and hate underneath the sweetness and when it comes out, it’s pretty dreadful. No one wants to be the recipient of my wrath…haha! But even though I agree that they don’t give a damn, isn’t there such a thing as a narcissistic injury? Isn’t that what I gave him when I ignored him? I thought they hated being ignored?? I guess this is where I get REALLY confused…

skylar:

Funny you should say that because one of my texts to him while he was ignoring me was this…”Maybe you WANT me to hate you.” He never replied. Of course not…what is he going to say? Yes? If he says yes, then he just let his mask slip. You are right…he keeps losing and he wants to win so badly. I think I confuse the hell out of him and he hates that; he NEEDS to have the control.

Wow, just wow. You are so right…that was his plan…to say he wanted to meet and then of course he knew he wouldn’t be there. He wanted to see how fast I would jump and show up and of course I did! I wanted closure! So I was going to jump at the chance and he KNEW it. He thought he would really hurt me by not being there, but instead, I text him and tell him it was OK!…haha!

No, they do not understand compassion at all. They have not an ounce of it and they have no idea what it feels like.

Louise,

it’s very complex. The biggest injury for them was that they failed to totally own you and make you a slave to their will. However it depends on their interest on their objects. Since they don’t feel, that injury is also discarded in my opinion. Maybe somebody else have a better explanation?

Sunflower:

Thank you. Maybe someone else has something on the narcissistic injury thing. Maybe I have the meaning of it all wrong.

Sunflower,
they tell themselves stories and they believe their own stories even while they know they are lying.

So they tell themselves that you are crazy and that you were mean to them. That way they can hate you for the rest of your life. It gives them an excuse to come back and do more harm.

And BTW, on the way out, after trying to destroy me and discarding the 25 years I gave him, my spath said, “maybe in the future I can come back and we’ll have lunch.”

ROTFLMAO! LUNCH!

Send this to a friend