By | July 27, 2011 15 Comments

Signs of a sociopath in roller rink massacre

It was supposed to be a birthday party at a roller rink in Grand Prairie Texas on Saturday night. Instead, it turned into a massacre, as Tan Do shot and killed his wife, Trini Do, and four members of her family. Then he shot himself.

Trini Do had previously sought an order of protection against her husband. But, against the advice of her attorney, she withdrew it.

Read Court documents reveal Grand Prairie gunman’s violent history on

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darn. the link goes to message page no longer available.


There is another murder. A man and his new wife murdered his ex. Cut up her body. Drove the parts in coolers to Houston Tx area and threw them in the swamp water across the street from her relatives house. He was known as a very controlling man in spite of his public image of a fun, outgoing musician. Guess the new wife wasn’t satisfied with ‘winning’ the man, she had to take the life of his ex. I found the same attitude in some of the women my husband took up with. They weren’t satisfied enjoying his company, they felt the need to destroy me. That’s crossing the line to spath b/c if I was seduced into a relationship with a married man, NOTHING would induce me to physically attacking or destroying her. I might HATE her, but attack? Nope. Could not do it. No more than I could turn into a drunk or take drugs.


Katy, the original link got doubled somehow. Try this link instead:

Court documents reveal Grand Prairie gunman’s violent history

Hope to heal

Thank you Redwald for posting the corrected link. It is so sad that these things continue to happen.

I wonder if there is a way to educate people on listening to their “gut instincts”. I believe that there would be a lot less victims of these sociopaths if only people listened to their instincts. We all have them, we just need to learn to LISTEN to them.

Ox Drover

Statistics show that 85%— that is EIGHTY FIVE %— of women who are abused GO BACK to their abuser…..and I wonder how many of those 15% who escape and don’t go back to THAT abuser actually find another abuser? That would be an interesting statistic.

I despise this phrase —“keep the family TOGETHER”—what is TOGETHER about an abusive relationship where the “family” lives in the same house and one party abuses the other? Or they take turns abusing each other?

Hope to heal

Dear Oxy ~ I would bet that a fairly high percentage of that 15% DO end up in yet another abusive relationship. It seems to be a vicious cycle that repeats itself over and over again.

I’ve heard so many stories of people who were raised in a family with some sort of dysfunction. Who grew up, only to become involved with someone who treats them in the way that they are accustomed to being treated. Is it just because it’s familiar? I wonder…

I think there is much less of the “keep the family together” these days, since divorce is so much more common, than there was in the 60’s and 70’s.

Maybe there would be less sociopaths now, if there had been more divorces in marriages where there was some type of abuse….


Ox Drover

Too many people have an “anticipatory” idea that a “new relationship” will cure the grief and pain from the old one, and that of course is NOT TRUE….but we tend to look forward to that anticipatory “happiness” that we will “be happy when x, y or z” happens. Of course that “happiness” doesn’t last long. Especially when we are hoping that a new relationship will heal all the pain from the last one.

I realized only too late after I got involved with the psychopathic X bf after my husband died that a new relationship wasn’t going to fix my grief and loneliness, just add to my pain.


Here, here, Ox…so true.

I completely agree with you. Getting a new relationship to heal the old one will never work the way we want it to. It will only add to the confusion and the pain. We need to ground OURSELVES first before we invite anyone else into our nightmare.

Have a nice night Ox…



Statistics show that 85%— that is EIGHTY FIVE %— of women who are abused GO BACK to their abuser…

That’s an issue and a half, that is!

Mind you, I don’t know what that statistic MEANS, exactly, but it certainly represents a general truth about abused partners (not just “women”). People stay, and stay, and stay in their abusive relationships. Even when they’re the ones bearing the brunt of the abuse. (Needless to say, a number of relationships are mutually abusive.)

What I’m wondering about the statistic is two things. First, what constitutes “abuse”? What kind of abuse? Verbal, emotional, physical? How severe, how much, how long?

However, the words “GO BACK” seem to imply that the abused person has LEFT at some point. So maybe that answers my first question. Maybe what it means is that “85 percent of females who LEAVE a relationship because of abuse (no matter what kind) go back.” That I can certainly believe.

The second, “hidden” question about this statistic is… what about those who have left and gone back MULTIPLE times? That happens too, quite a lot. Is this statistic counting people, or is it counting occasions? Is it saying that “85 percent of females who leave a relationship at some time—possibly multiple times—because of abuse also go back at some time—possibly multiple times”? Or is it saying that “On 85 percent of occasions when a female leaves a relationship because of abuse, she goes back some time later”?

The two are quite different, because some people put up with abuse for a while, maybe even for years, until they’ve finally had it up to here. Then they leave and never go back. But others are clearly “addicted” to their abusive relationships, and many of them keep leaving and going back MULTIPLE times! If the statistic is counting “occasions” rather than “people,” a few of the latter kind could skew the picture considerably.

However, I have heard a claim elsewhere—heard it more than once, in fact—that females who leave a relationship because of abuse go back an average of ELEVEN times! Unfortunately I can’t vouch for this statistic because I’ve never seen a source for it, and there are far too many bogus “statistics” around in this field. I’ve never heard an average for abused males, either. There’s nowhere near as much study of abused males as there ought to be.

Overall though, it’s perfectly safe to say a great many abused people do keep going back to their abusive relationships, hoping and thinking they can “fix” things this time. Most times they never can.

…and I wonder how many of those 15% who escape and don’t go back to THAT abuser actually find another abuser? That would be an interesting statistic.

Yes indeed. I’ve never heard a statistic on that. That could be significant in itself, because there are people who might not want to tell us that. But I do agree, a large number of people do end up gravitating toward abusive partners TIME AND AGAIN, almost “in spite of themselves”—or so it seems. They report having one abusive partner after another. Clearly there are reasons why history keeps repeating itself. It’s not an “accident” or a coincidence.

What H2H said about “not listening to one’s gut instincts” is certainly a part of this picture. Too many people have been conditioned to doubt themselves and push away their natural misgivings when they first encounter “red flag” behavior from an abusive partner. Along with that, growing up in a dysfunctional family where there was abuse can make it seem to some as if abusive or controlling behavior is “normal,” when it would raise eyebrows on anyone who grew up in a healthy family.


here’s a good example for you: me.
I left my spath twice and went back. But in between those, I ran to my parents and to other strange abusers.

Each time I left him, I would move in with my abusive parents or find an abusive man to be with. none were as bad as Spath, but none were healthy. It was only on the last time, when I knew that I was going to get killed by spath, that I finally figured it out. It was by coincidence that a man who understood (possibly a narcissistic man who explained his dysfunctional family) explained malignant narcissisim to me. BTW, the last time, I told spath that I was out of money and he didn’t try that hard to get me back. A perfect storm with a perfect resoluton. Never disclose your financial stats to anyone. NOT ANYONE,


I’m glad you finally got off this merry-go-round, Skylar. And I think that’s good advice about not disclosing financial info. We all deserve to be loved for ourselves, not for whatever money we may have.

And even if we have very little, there’s always some predator who’ll be after it!

Ox Drover


That’s the thing about statistics, “a man with one foot on a red hot stove, and one foot on an ice cube is on AVERAGE, s COMFORTABLE” LOL

I’m not sure about the “validity” of the numbers myself, or what the definition of the “abuse” they left/came back to is, but I imagine it is about like quitting smoking….one time is generally not enough to STOP THE HABIT.

In the book I’m reading now about neuroplasticity in brains, whatever is REINFORCED in our brains by being REPEATED (tolerating abuse) is what is REINFORCED TO CONTINUE….it is an addiction, just like cocaine or anything else. The pleasure centers of our brains are stimulated by this person and we are HOOKED, or as Patrick Carnes would say, TRAUMA BONDED.

Breaking that TRAUMA BOND in an adult is just as difficult, or more so, as breaking the trauma bond between an abused child and their abusing parent.

Every time I think of this I think of what Jaycee Dugard did when asked her NAME by the police….she could NOT say it, she had to WRITE IT for the cops. She had been so programmed, so trauma bonded, that she could not make her mouth SAY the name.

Which, thing, also makes me wonder about his “wife” and how she participated in the abduction and holding of Jaycee. How much responsibility/guilt does she really have for what she did? Was she as much a victim as Jaycee? What she DID was criminal, but did she do it because she was TRAUMA BONDED to him to such an extent that she could not resist?

What would Jaycee have done if he insisted that she help him secure another young woman by kidnap? Would she have helped him? I also wonder, given his desires for young girls (he quit sexually abusing Jaycee after her second daughter was born when she was 14-15) did he abuse their daughters at some point? That information has been kept from the public along with the girl’s pictures and identities, which I think is very wise of Jaycee and her mother. None-the-less, it makes me wonder about the details of the situation.

I understand why his wife was prosecuted, but at the same time, I wonder if she was also a victim, or if she was a co-abuser. A question I guess that will never be answered.

Understanding how the brain works, how we learn tasks and ways of thinking and interacting with our environment which includes other people, even when those ways of acting are submitting to abuse is very interesting to me. It also makes me feel very fortunate to have broken out of my own ways of doing things that were counter productive to happiness, peace and safety.

A while back I read the biography of a mother in South Africa who strangled her son who was a violent drug addict. Then went and turned herself into the police. She was eventually turned loose and not kept in prison for murder, because the judge and the law enforcement empathized with this distraught mother for what drove her to kill her own son in such an awful way, (he was passed out with drugs) in order to protect herself and her other children from his violent outbursts.

In my own observations, I have seen many women who repeatedly get away from a psychopathic/abusive man only to find another one and in some cases a SERIES of abusers. Each time the abuser love bombs them at the start in the typical “hook” but the women do not seem to learn the RED FLAGS but instead each time they are love bombed fall for the hook. It is as if these women have such a need for a man in their lives that they are able to maintain that illusion that they are loved.

Of course my observations are not “research data” by any means, but it also seems to run in “families” and thinking about my X best friend in Texas, both of her sisters have been with a series of abusers, drunks and men high in psychopathic traits, their lives are chaos….each of them also have one or more female children who follow this pattern and the male children are men who are themselves high in drama and abuse of their relationships. My friend, I thought, had somehow managed to break this “family tradition” but it was only an illusion because I did not know what was going on in their marriage until recently when he retired and I got to see more of him than I had in the last 30 years! He no longer held up his mask around me, and apparently is increasing his abuse of her to the extent that she is majorly unhappy, but still unwilling/unable to break the bond.

What amazes me about myself in this situation is that I DID NOT SEE IT SOONER. I know they had a chaotic family life as children, though I don’t know all the details.

The information neuroscientists are finding out now about the physical ability of a brain to change it’s chemistry and it’s physical form, as , is amazing, and some day will answer the questions about how we are formed and reformed and how our ideas and behaviors and brain injuries can be more easily healed. It actually gives me HOPE where in many areas I had little hope for people who had been programmed by abuse to DE-program.

The grief process of letting go of an object or person who we have loved and lost is the process of the brain remodeling itself. If we re-establish CONTACT this is a re-enforcement of that contact, so it answers the question for me of WHY NO CONTACT instead of “decreasing” contact is a must. CONTACT of any kind with the abuser only RE-enforces the connection.

Just as if you don’t exercise your muscles they will wither away, if you don’t “exercise” contact with the abuser, the CONNECTION will WITHER AWAY over a period of time, but if you EXERCISE CONTACT, it strengthens that bond again and again.

WE must also NOT think about the pleasant times with them, we must break that shot of “pleasure chemicals” the brain puts out when we have a good memory because it re-enforces that bond.

I didn’t know WHY at the time, but when I separated my Psychopathic son into “two” individuals, the little boy I loved and the STRANGE MAN in the cell, the stranger….when I thought about the sweet little boy, it did not strengthen my connection with the STRANGER IN THE PRISON CELL, they are NOT THE SAME INDIVIDUALS.

I seemed to have fallen into that by accident, but by accident, I quit reinforcing my bonds with the STRANGER IN THE CELL…now he is no more to me than any other inmate in prison, just someone I don’t know or love, but do fear. Yet, I have great memories of my little boy, and I do miss him, just like I miss my late husband, but I can miss him and still not feel sad. He is just as “gone” as my husband is gone.

I hope that makes some sense in my rambling presentation.



Wow, what a post. That was awesome.

I think without a doubt that Nancy Garrido was a victim and trauma bonded. Of course she committed a crime, but I think she felt like she had no choice.

I also think without a doubt that Jaycee would have helped Phillip find other girls. How could she not? How could she refuse? She was stuck there with no way out. Like you pointed out, she was so traumatized she could not even speak her name; she had to write it. Therefore, I think she would have done anything he asked her to do. She was so innocent. I truly think she would have gone along with anything he asked. I also wonder if he abused his daughters. Sad. Very sad. As soon as he no longer viewed Jaycee as a “girl,” he stopped abusing her…after she had two children and was then viewed as a “mother.” Having those girls was the best thing that happened to her even though it was by a monster.


You said you don’t know why you didn’t notice your friend’s situtation sooner. It’s possible that you had looked at it from the same perspective for so long, that you were no longer really seeing it.

For example, I drive by an Applebee’s restaurant everytime I go to the grocery store. I had seen it but never took notice of it. So if you were to ask me where the nearest Applebee’s is, I would not remember that one.

Then, last week, BF was driving and I was looking down reading. He drove a slightly different direction than I usually do, so when I looked up, I was disoriented and didn’t know where we were. That’s when I finally SAW the Applebee’s. I said, “I didn’t ever notice that Applebee’s before.”

Because I was “lost” I had to use a different part of my brain than the part I use when I’m not lost. And my brain came off autopilot and into awareness mode. Now I know where the nearest Applebees is.

Maybe your experience with spaths, your research and your blogging, has re-oriented your perspective. So when you went to visit your friend, you were looking at her with new eyes.

Ox Drover

Sky, In a way I think you are right. I had “excused” some behaviors in her (snarky comments from time to time) because I didn’t want to rock the relationship over something so minor—but about 2-3 years ago she had made a snarky comment when I was at her house and I didn’t even respond verbally, I just turned and walked into my bedroom there and started to pack my suitcase. She followed me in there and asked “what are you doing”? I replied, “Look I did not come down here to be talked to that way and I’m going home.”

She immediately and I think sincerely, apologized and since that time has not made any kind of snarky comment at all….but now that her husband has retired (he was gone 90% of the time at jobs away from home) I can see that she is majorly depressed. Her house is a MESS and she has become a HOARDER to an extent that you can hardly walk in her house and there is no way to clean it. It is almost as bad as these “hoarders” on the TV reality shows. I was STUNNED when I walked into her house.

The snarky started the day I arrived….and increased, and then when her husband came in, it was IMPOSSIBLE.

I also know that she is not playing with a full emotional deck. For example. I had my camera and I made some photos inside her house. Just a couple. And she said “NO, don’t take a photo of me!” When I got home, I realized she had erased those photos off my camera when I wasn’t looking. Every one she had erased had shown the BACKGROUND of her HOARDING HOUSE….the only ones she left did not show the condition of the house. She was ashamed of the condition of her house, yet she couldn’t do anything about it….Frankly, I feel compassion for her…she is trapped by her own denial in the abusive relationship just like her sisters are in their own abusive relationships. Like many people who are abused, she is ASHAMED of it, and what she has allowed it to become. As much as I have compassion for her though, I cannot allow myself to be around someone who treats me poorly—-no matter what the reason. Yet, we did have a pretty good and supportive friendship for many years. I did over look some minor things, but when it escalated to being painful to me I set a boundary (2-3 years ago) and that boundary stands, and when she violated it again….I had to do what I had to do to protect myself from pain. Just like I did with son C….I will no longer tolerate people who are dishonest or unkind to others, especially ME!

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