lf2

The “Just World Hypothesis” and sociopaths

Once upon a time, I thought that if I worked hard, played by the rules and treated others the way I would want to be treated, I’d be happy, successful and trouble would never find me.

It turns out that a lot of people think that way. In fact, it’s such a common perspective that the social psychologist Melvin J. Lerner described it as the “just world hypothesis.”

In a just world, the hypothesis goes, actions and conditions have predictable, appropriate consequences, and people can impact the world in predictable ways. Lerner described it as a “contract” regarding the consequences of behavior.

So what happens when something bad happens to someone? Well, according to those who believe in a just world, the injured person must have done something to deserve it. Why? Because if the injured person were at fault, the just world theory is unchallenged—he or she got what he or she deserved. The result is that many people who believe in a just world also engage in blaming the victim.

There’s a good chance that you, like me, experienced multiple aspects of this cognitive bias. Perhaps you, too, believed that people are basically good, the world is basically fair, and that if you did what you were supposed to do, life would be grand.

Then the sociopath came along, playing by a totally different set of rules. Or make that, no rules at all. Your life was put through the meat grinder, and even though you didn’t do anything wrong, other people berated you for your stupidity, naiveté, and gullibility. You were the victim, and you were blamed.

Please pause now and read the Wikipedia article on the Just World Hypothesis.

Violating the contract

Now, suppose people knew about sociopaths—knew that they existed, that these social predators had no conscience. If people knew that some who live among us have no interest at all in a just world, that these people lie, manipulate and cheat to get what they want, with no concern about who gets hurt, what would happen?

First of all, people would know that there might be another reason for bad things happening to people. It’s not necessarily that victims were stupid or flawed and got what they deserved. It could be that they were targeted by a sociopath. So perhaps there would be less blaming of victims.

But perhaps something even better would happen. If we want to believe in a just world, where playing by the rules allows us live happily, peacefully and successfully, how can we continue to allow sociopaths to get away with ruining everything? After all, they are violating the contract.

Perhaps it would mean that people would have to take action against sociopaths.

Naming the problem

The first step is naming the problem. The news media frequently publish stories about crime statistics, domestic violence statistics and abuse statistics. For example, the Lovefraud Blog recently linked to the following newspaper article:

Financial abuse of the elderly is approaching a crisis, researcher says, on Philly.com.

In the article, a researcher decried “an epidemic of thefts and fraud targeting the elderly.” Well, who is committing these crimes? Who is causing the financial abuse of the elderly? When the perpetrators are family members, financial advisors and caregivers, it’s reasonable to believe that these people are sociopaths. Who else would engage in this type of behavior?

With the exception of natural disaster, sociopaths probably cause most of the problems the world faces.  So, if we want to hold on to our beliefs in a just world, where behavior results in predictable consequences, we have to make sure that sociopaths experience consequences for their behavior.

Yes, it’s a tall order. But perhaps in 2012, we can at least start naming the problem.


Comment on this article

145 Comments on "The “Just World Hypothesis” and sociopaths"

Notify of

Donna, thank you so much for addressing this crucial aspect of our encounter with the psychopath. You’ve really touched the heart of the matter: We believe in a just world and the sociopaths do not.

Whether the universe is just or not, is irrelevant to this discussion.

What matters is that the sociopaths KNOW that we believe the world is just and they are envious of that. They believe that the world has been unjust TO THEM and they try to slime us with that feeling. That’s why they use the pity ploy so often, they know we will try to “fix” their hurt because of our belief in a just world. So they keep creating drama and we keep trying to fix it and they keep sabotaging it. This results, finally, in our breakdown and we finally come to see that the world is NOT fair to us. That’s why the encounter with the sociopath is so devastating, because we become disillusioned and everything we believed in is shattered.

Spaths want to become us, but they know they never can, so they settle with making us be like them: injured and vengeful, wanting something but never getting it.

Because we believed in a just world, we felt in control of our ship of destiny. That is the power that the spaths saw in us and what they were determined to take away.

The mechanism of scapegoating or blaming the victim is a hidden mechanism which Rene Girard wrote about. It has been used since the dawn of civilization to give humanity the illusion of control. Spaths use this mechanism all the time. They’ll say, “she deserved it.” or “he had it coming.” Cleckley writes about this in “The mask of sanity”. My spath also used this as his excuse for his evil behavior – and I believed it.

It might be the most important RED FLAG OF ALL: BLAMING THE VICTIM and SCAPEGOATING. It is CRITICAL that we learn to recognize it in all its disguises. This mechanism has been used so much and for so long that it has become part of the background noise. The reason is, because humans NEED to make sense of things that we don’t understand, so we rationalize, using the “Just World Hypothesis”. These rationalizations give us a feeling of power, control and safety. This “Just World Hypothesis” becomes our “hook” which the spaths use to reel us in and slime us with their shame.

On a larger scale watch for this hidden mechanism in the fields of genetics. IMO the “blaming” of certain behaviors on genetics, distracts from reality. For example, when we are told that the alcoholism gene is the cause of alcoholism in certain populations, I believe that this is a form of scapegoating. It’s easy to blame the genes if we overlook the fact that certain populations have been victimized by war-mongering spaths for centuries. Post traumatic stress syndrome has been shown to pass down genetically as well as memetically. It follows that any population with a history of victimization is going to be more likely to self-medicate with alcohol. But it’s easier to blame bad genes because then nobody is responsible and nothing can be done. The victim is slimed with shame for who they were born as.

Donna,

Yes, spaths need to suffer the consequences of their dirty deeds, even if it is jail and/or prison. Our spath has been caught and now is going to “face the music,” something that he’s been trying to avoid. It’s been a ride, let me tell you, a long bumpy ride. I have learned that I can trust my “gut,” finding out that what I suspected about the spath’s relatives (certain ones) is quite possibly right on. What I relief – my “gut” actually works fine. Here, I was trying to talk myself out of suspicions that I have/had (at times), only to realize that when it comes to certain people, there might actually be some truth to the “red flags” that I’m noticing, but having a hard time acknowledging.

Skylar,

My spath thought it was perfectly alright to mistreat me. I remember saying to him, “you wouldn’t want anyone to treat your mother or sisters the way you treat me.” His response would be, “well, they don’t talk to me the way you do” (translation: disrespectfully). He is the most psychologically screwed up person that I’ve ever known (and I mean that literally).

“Once upon a time”….yea, Donna, I too believed in the fairy tale of “a just world, evil is punished and good is ultimately rewarded”….isn’t that how all the kids stories we were read or read as kids ended, isn’t that how the Lone Ranger and Tonto always got the bad guys, and Perry Mason’s client always got off? LOL

While the actions of everyone have consequences, and some of my actions have had UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES because I didn’t know who I was “playing cards with.” I was playing, but it was with a STACKED deck….and I didn’t know the deck was stacked. So, Yes, I continued to play in the game, and I lost, that was the consequence because I continued to play, but I didn’t know the deck was stacked. When I discovered the deck was stacked I kept on playing though, thinking I could fix things. Make them want to quit cheating.

NOW I know the deck is stacked AND I also KNOW that I can’t unstack the deck, and they don’t want to quit cheating, so I don’t “play” with those “kids” any more.

And, there’s some common sense involved too….while I believe a woman has a RIGHT to walk down ANY street in town NAKED and NOT be raped, but if I were a young pretty woman, I would NOT walk down some streets in a burka (however it is spelled) and not expect to be raped and I would also not walk down those same streets naked.

It isn’t that I don’t have the RIGHT to expect to be safe, the US Constitution and the laws of this land give me a RIGHT to expect personal safety, no matter HOW I am dressed, but at the same time, I realize that if I PROVOKE a certain segment of the population (the lawless ones) My RIGHTS will be VIOLATED….if I walk down those streets naked and get raped, is it my “fault”? In that case, at least a partial yes, I have CONTRIBUTED to my own rape, but it still doesn’t make the rape any less of a rape, because the lawless one that did it doesn’t have the right to mistreat me even if I “provoked” him.

So I think it is up to US to realize and recognize the LAWLESS ONES and to avoid them to the extent that we can…whether they be love interests, relatives, parents, offspring, neighbors, bosses, or friends.

This isn’t a “just world” and “bad things DO happen to good people”– people who don’t deserve the horrible things that happen to them, but once our eyes, like the eyes of Eve in garden of Eden, have been OPENED to the KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL, it is important that we use that knowledge for ourselves and stay away from the lawless ones, and that we also educate those who will listen, especially our children as they grow up to the fact that there ARE THE LAWLESS ONES and how to recognize the RED FLAGS, to LOOK BEHIND THE MASK WHEN IT SLIPS, and that the only way we can prevent injury, or more injury, is NO CONTACT. If we continue to interact with them, to taunt them by our presence, to “walk down the dark street naked”, they WILL attack. We must use some good sense and be discrete.

As citizens and voters we also need to make our presence known in the ballot boxes and in public forums. We need to demand that law enforcement and the justice departments and parole boards learn about sociopaths, and that they be denied parole, that repeat offenders be kept confined to protect society.

Right now, the US has about 2 million offenders in prison, a high percentage, and of those 2 million 25% are “card carrying” diagnosable PSYCHOPATHS (500,000)…. and the crime rate % of population has been steadily FALLING for the last 20 years (until 2011 apparently the rate of murders of police officers has jumped) but MY take on this is that with many psychopaths in prison there are less out on the street to do more crimes. Those half a million psychopaths, along with their buddies who are an AVERAGE PCLR score of 22 (very high in P traits) are not out on the street victimizing others.

Prison isn’t going to hold all the psychopaths in the US or all the people who are high in P traits…most of them don’t commit “crimes” that are on the books. Demoralizing your kids isn’t a crime, devaluing your wife or husband isn’t a crime that people can be tried and found guilty of and locked up.

So in spite of the fact that a significant number of the VIOLENT ones are locked up in prison, there are plenty still left on the streets, and in the corner offices, and sitting on benches as judges, and in the governor’s office, or in their senate seat or in the House….or trying to run for president in 2012.

We need to look at people we associate with, and to decide by their actions if these people are honest, if their relationships are functional and good, or dysfunctional and chaotic. We need to compare their words to their actions, and to let people EARN our trust, not just automatically give our trust away. Once we see signs of DIS-honesty, lack of caring, lack of empathy, lack of compassion, then we need to keep these people at arm’s length and if they are running for office, vote them out.

We need to be activists and to support DV shelters, campaign against longer and harsher sentences for sexual offenders. Educate our children and our teachers about predators, work against bullying in our schools. There is no end of good that we can do individually if we apply our talents. (Look at what Donna has done with LoveFraud!) By combining our talents though, we can go even further! We are not alone, we are LEGION!!!! Together we can make a BIG difference! TOWANDA!!!!!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Enter the ‘scapegoat’; who has been fulfilling the role of banishing the the fear and guilt of the masses for thousands of years.

my biggest job is to NOT be scapegoated because of what i have suffered – at the hands of the spath, the chemical injuries, my health in general or in the work place. these things were/ are to a large extent beyond my control.

although i still have to deal with a lot of self blame (because i believed in the damn contract, too. it was quite enforced in my upbringing); I use language that contextualizes my experience in such a way as to avoid being scapegoated. I say I was ‘targeted’ by a spath, so that people get some sense of the dynamic. Truly, i think she was trolling and i thought her net was pretty and jumped in – and then she groomed me to victimize me. I don’t use the word ‘victim’, but I do compare the after affect of what she did to being raped. Context. context. context.

People don’t know about spaths, or don’t want to know about spaths, or poverty, or illness, or ……….ad naseum. Best to shun the people done in so as not to endure the cog dis of changing ones mind, and possibly taking action.

i found illness, spath and poverty in one fell swoop. i am doing okay around challenging people and myself around who was responsible for the spath’s predation. I don’t do so well with the poverty. I do a bit better with the illness – but it is a 24/7 issue that can get worse in a 2 second interval and i have to relate to a lot of people about it because of the unrelenting nature of it am not doing so well with it (statistically speaking).

but in this life, part of my job is to not be the scapegoat. I have figured out a lot about how to contextualize situations, so that I don’t feel slimed and others don’t get to use me that way. they don’t necessarily change their shitty beliefs or behaviour, but i don’t get slimed.

Donna,

I know that your intent was to discuss a NORMAL person’s BJW, but I think it also ties in to schadenfreude and envy.

If you think about the emotions of envy and schadenfreude (delight in another’s misfortune), you’ll note that schadenfreude mostly happens when a high profile person is brought down and the feeling is that they were “too big for their britches” and finally were brought down to size. The feeling of satisfaction happens because that person was envied and now the world feels more equal (just).

So my point is that people are always looking for a way to create a feeling of balance or justice. Spaths, being pathologically envious, can never feel that the balance is achieved because the emptiness in their meaningless lives cannot be filled. They take, not to fill their emptiness but to create an equal emptiness in us.

We, on the other hand, trust that there must be meaning in everything. Unfortunately, this leads us to rationalize the cause.

BJW also explains why the fence sitters will allow spaths to get away with murder. They are told (and believe) that the scapegoat deserved it.

I think that the Book of Job addresses BJW in the most comprehensive way. Job’s friends came to him and blamed him for his misfortunes. They said he MUST have done something to cause his calamities and they pointed out his various faults. But God came down and told Job that he could never begin to understand why things happen. In the background, we know that Lucifer was the instigator, though we aren’t given a reason for why God allowed Lucifer to attack Job – except perhaps, to perfect his humility.

BlueJay,
I’m glad they caught him. His response to you, “well, they don’t talk to me the way you do” is the typical way he BLAMES YOU for his behavior. After all it’s your fault for the way you talk.

Yeah, they are a mindf**k, I agree.

TOWANDA, Bluejay!!!

Yes, it was “all your fault” that he mistreated you—in HIS MIND AT LEAST! But you know that it was NOT your fault! Now you have a valuable lesson, and that is that ANYONE who treats you badly is not a person you want to associate with AT ALL! You paid your tuition to the school of hard knocks and you graduated with an A+ in learning about avoiding the “lawless ones.” The psychopaths. The ones who play by NO rules, without fairness, without justice, without kindness. The ones who have NO compassion, or even worse, the ones who ENJOY your suffering.

While there are great similarities in the way many psychopaths think, I think there are “degrees” of how much they care about others. Some psychopaths I think are totally unaware of your suffering at their selfishness, they don’t even realize that you CAN hurt, They feel Entitled to what they want and take it without any second thoughts. Others I think ARE aware of your hurting and actually ENJOY your suffering. They may even take things they don’t “want” just because they know you want it. The “dog in the manger” attitude, of “I can’t eat the hay, but I don’t want the ox to have it”

I believe my husband operated on the JUST WORLD philosophy. He said as much many times, that he was just teaching someone the lesson “Not to make him mad”. It was his drive for equalizing the wrongs done to him, or to equalize his feelings at the moment. He saw EVERYONE as OBLIGATED to him, he just never saw himself as reciprocating any responsiblity back… Of course, he always saw himself as one down, that victim mentality… and at the same time, he’d rage b/c in truth HE WAS SUPERIOR so how dare anyone treat him as LESS that what HE deserved!

Yep. In a “Just” world, all bowed to him. And b/c the world is “Just”, he exacted revenge on anyone who didn’t.

I am not equating myself to Job, but I sure have had my humility tested. What I learned was perhaps not so much humility, but I learned to not compromise or set aside my moral values, that they are my ONLY protection against evil. When life was the WORST, knowing that I strived to be a person of Respectable character was something very precious. It is what made me “NOT LIKE THEM”.

Ox Drover,

I believe that all of us here paid our tuition to the “school of hard knocks”, a school that we wish we’d never heard of. LOL. Whether I “graduated” with an A+ is debatable. Hopefully, I’ve learned my lesson(s) and get a passing grade (at least!). Peace.

KatyDid,

You’ve had your strength tested, proving yourself to be a STRONG woman. I think that we’re all sturdy flowers, some sturdier than others.

KatyDid, some good points there, girlfriend! The “entitled” ones become the “lawless” ones because the world doesn’t bow to their greatness. It was a “catch 22” that my P sperm donor DESPISED, utterly despised, everyone else in the world as “beneath him” and saw himself (even said so in news and magazine interviews) that he was “the smartest man in the universe, the smartest man who ever lived” and that “compared to him” that everyone else in the world was the equivalent of a “chimp”! LOL He did not “get it” that his posturing and belittling others did not make them look up to him, or endear him to them. LOL But boy oh, boy, would he punish you if you didn’t “bow” to him. If someone were to stand up to him, and I know a few who did, including myself, he reserved a SPECIAL HATRED for those who stood up….It was a catch 22 that he despised everyone in the world, yet, at the same time he wanted those he despised to WORSHIP him…but because they were despicable their worship was worthless…and round and round he went, demanding worship from those he despised, but despising them even more if they did worship him and if they didn’t worship him, hating and raging and punishing them. It was a miserable position for anyone to be in, really. My youngest half brother was the only person who truly worshiped him, and my other half-sibs are also NC with him. As far as I know, he never had a friend who didn’t ultimately realize what he was and leave him, never had a woman who didn’t do the same, except possibly the woman who died while she was married to him….I wasn’t around when she was there, so I don’t know on that one.

Yea, Katy! I’m glad you are FREE and this should be a banner year for you!!!! What a wonderful way to start the year off! To start off the rest of your life even! Congratulations!!!!

BlueJay
To be fair, I don’t think I am so strong as I am obstinate. I grew up in a horrid family situation and those people were my ANTI role models. I made the choices that I deduced they would NOT make: to be considerate, to not add to another person’s misery, to do no harm, etc. One of my mantras is to be “NOT LIKE THEM” (not the kind of people they are.), however that defaults. So I can’t take credit for being a strong woman.

Oxy
Funny how a piece of paper can make a person feel. I do like all the timing, that the divorce was dated Dec 31, that Jan 1 landed on a Sunday. I had a wonderful New Years Celebration, and for the first time in DECADES, I have HOPE and anticipation b/c NOW that monkey is off my back and I can make contracts and not hide. I will remain vigilent for my safety, I don’t think they hunt me anymore but my EX husband and family are opportunists, they would harm me if they stumbled onto me. But, they will NOT financially benefit from the fruits of my labor anymore. That is VERY satisfying.

Katy,

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING! It doesn’t change the facts or the truth, but how we THINK about it, our attitude, influences how we FEEL about the facts!

So, you know, I’m gonna work on my ATTITUDE about things I can’t change….it’s the differences between living in terror and living cautiously. The risks don’t change, but by attitude about them does. I don’t live in terror or jump every time a car drives up, but I am prepared and cautious.

You’re on your way now to the ATTITUDE CHANGE and that’s what makes the difference. It is fortunate that it happened on a significant date, one that will be easy to remember, so from now on you can celebrate FREEDOM day! and, the whole world will celebrate with you!!!!

If I may jump in here…I spent years thinking that everyone was basically good-and that included my sociopath of a husband. I kept on telling myself that he didn’t mean what he said or did, that he really did love me…that it was me who was a bad person. UNTIL a couple of years ago, when I really thought I was losing my mind & googled all sorts of things looking for an answer about myself. I literally stumbled on to this site and I read & read & read & read and I realised that it was never me. I did not force him to cheat on me, or beat me, or steal from me, or to lose every job he had, or to lie compulsively…that was all him & I was a good person-naive and too trusting, but a good person nonetheless.

While studying lovefraud – I found myself growing stronger & his true evil suddenly came into focus. I had him removed from my home on May 31st and divorced him shortly after that. He did not go quietly and begged me to take him back because we are ‘soul mates’. He tried turning our kids against me, but that didn’t work. He literally could not survive without me-he needed me to work to keep a roof over his head and food on his plate. So he did what he always does when confronted with trouble-he fell head first into a bottle or 50 of booze(did I mention he’s an alcoholic?!) So, like everyone who does not pay rent, he was evicted and on Dec 30th he showed up, drunk, begging for my help. All I saw was the pathetic excuse for a human that he’s always been, the empty shell of a man. What did I do? I called the police and they removed him to a homeless shelter. I’m still concerned about him returning,, but I’m no longer afraid of my resolve faltering.

This site made me realise that we are the good people and we deserve to have good things happen to us-but that can only happen when we let go of the bad thing that’s holding us back. :-)))

Wow this whole Just World thing has my head spinning.

I get that many of us would choose to believe in total reciprocity to alleviate ourselves from the anxiety of an uncertain, and to be sure, ‘unfair’ world we live in. It would give us a false sense of control over what happens to us.

I get that part of this belief would therefore have to be that bad things happen to bad people, and good to good. And subsequently if we were deeply seduced by this belief we would HAVE to blame victims for their suffering. We would have to be able to believe that those ‘bad things’ would never happen to us, because we’re smarter, kinder, and more savvy than those dumb victims.

As far as I can see this kind of belief honestly does NO ONE any real and lasting good. For those who use it as a shield, it actually disarms them. It is a double edged sword that cuts both ways. We will dislike and blame others for their misfortunes. But we will also, on some level, blame and hate ourselves (unreasonably) for our own failings and victimizations.

And we will try to block out our self-blaming, and feelings of vulnerability/failure when we are victimized, by going into such deep denial we are able to reframe our victimization into a different story. One where we do not have to blame ourselves. Because by having this belief we place ourselves in a bind, a riddle, that cannot be solved. If others are bad, and that is why bad happens to them. Then it is the same for us, and we are bad. And in order to avoid this paradox we have to go more deeply into denial and defense.

Simply put we have to become more sociopathic in our attitudes about others’ and about ourselves.

Where is the ‘advantage’ in that?

It is a sociopathic, by my way of seeing it. At least insofar as it is deeply delusional, and self-serving in a sadly self-defeating way. It feels terribly hateful. Hateful of ourselves. Hateful of others. With this just world belief everyone loses. They may be psychologically ‘defended’, but they live in a lie.

It rejects humanity on such deep levels. It rejects vulnerability. It rejects personal accountability. It rejects honesty. It rejects self care and care of others’. It rejects empathy and compassion. It rejects the natural world (by blaming people for illness, and catastrophe).

Wow!

Slim

LettingGo….GOOD GOOD GOOD for you! Way to go!!!!!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

‘It rejects humanity on such deep levels. ‘ it does, Slim. it does.

Interesting theory. I don’t think I ever applied it to others around me… as in blaming them for their misfortunes. But I apply it usually to myself. If something goes wrong, then I must be doing something wrong (unless it’s a hurricane). I also function under the belief that I do my hardest best, then people will notice and forgive me my mistakes. 2011 was a year where people even ended up blaming Lima traffic to be my fault. So, forget about being forgiven for the small mistakes I did make. Of course I felt like a total loser… the good stuff I did was completely ignored and my mistakes blown out of proportios. And yet I had to accept it, take it, and turn it into a lesson somehow to avoid it from happening again. And a lot of it is solved by “appearances”.

Tonight I was also thinking about how many victims one spath makes… if I just count the abuse victims (discounting the friend-for-a-night people he robs) for my spath in the past 10 years (he’s 28 now): his father, his mother, his cousin-sister, his great-cousin (her daughter), the Nicaraguan girl he got pregnant, his son, his ex-wife, my fellow Belgian victim (ex-gf), his Norwegian ex-gf he fooled for 7 years from her 13 till her 20, me, another Norwegian girl he robbed and fooled for a month and afterwards (and I’m sure there are more like her), the new victim of London…. He made at least 12 victims in ten years time. And I should count about at least 4 decades more of his abuse. So 12 times 5 decades makes at least 60 abuse victims (not counting the one night cons)… So, I conclude 1% of the population makes at least 60% long term abuse victims. That’s a huge impact! And NONE of them deserved it.

Lettinggo, TOWANDA FOR YOU!!!! You go girl! Sending the cops to take him to a shelter! great!!!! perfect!!!!!

Darwin’smom, yea, I have also thought about the NUMBER of each psychopath’s victims…of course each one has MANY VICTIMS…and on many different levels. John Wayne Gacy murdered upwards of 30 young men….Ted Bundy murdered dozens? of women, Hitler murdered millions of victims, Chairman Mao murdered up to 60 million, Stalin murdered in the neighborhood of 50-60 million….and so on….of course each psychopath has at least two people (their parents) that are victimized in one way or another, and all he siblings of each Psychopath, and spouses and their children….the people they rob, the people they give PTSD to from the trauma…yep, I think in reality either directly or indirectly every person on earth is VICTIMIZED one way or another to one extent or another by some psychopathic encounter. The chronic criminals victimize every one by raising insurance rates, the need for courts, and prisons, and hospitals for victims. The families of the people they murder or injure…an d on and on. I think 95% of the TRAUMA and bad things on earth are PSYCHOPATHIC RELATED, with the exception of hurricanes and earthquakes. All wars and most crimes are one way or another psychopathicly related and all the violence in the world. It would be paradise on earth without psychopaths. The ULTIMATE EVIL!

lettingo –

” like everyone who does not pay rent, he was evicted and on Dec 30th he showed up, drunk, begging for my help. All I saw was the pathetic excuse for a human that he’s always been, the empty shell of a man. What did I do? I called the police and they removed him to a homeless shelter. I’m still concerned about him returning,, but I’m no longer afraid of my resolve faltering.”

I can not begin to tell you how proud this makes me of you – and I don’t even know you! What I DO know though, is that you “GET IT”. Sometimes, I think that this is our single most important achievement as former victims/dupes of our spaths – the day that we finally realise that our empathy/sympathy/kind-heartedness/concern/care is WASTED on the con-artist we have been pandering to; and that our withdrawal of the same DOES NOT ALTER the fact that we are decent, kind and compassionate people, it simply redirects our efforts to those who actually ARE deserving of them. In the beginning, this (necessarily) HAS to be OURSELVES because of the damage we have suffered and the self-repairs that we need to make. Once we have that sorted, we are free to dispense our kindness and care to others; the difference being now, that we tend to be a lot more discriminating about how we do that and about who the beneficiaries are.

Several weeks ago in the Family Court of Western Australia, I showed no concern and little interest when my ex-husband (the Superspath) faked a partial collapse and blood nose just as he was about to be called into the witness box to be cross-examined by my barrister about the innumerable lies he had told (and keeps telling, despite the lack of evidence for his stories, despite the fact that many people can see through him now, despite the fact that WE KNOW – as all true spaths will and do…).

Not only did he run out of the court room (forgetting that his alleged “spinal disability” prevented him from even walking fast), but he also left behind his walking stick (which had already become a joke of some legendary proportion these past 2 years, amongst court staff who have realised (after I had pointed it out to them some time ago) that he alternates sides when the walking stick comes to court, as he does not even bother to keep track of which leg is supposed to be the “lame” one…) with an alleged blood nose but my friend who came with me to court as my support person said that as he passed by her where she was sitting, there was no blood whatsoever on his strategically convenient handkerchief.

Several points here – in the 11 years I have known him, he never carried a hanky; in the 25 years that the wife before me has known him, he has never carried a hanky……it was actually difficult – despite the rather harrowing situation of having to be in the immediate proximity of the monster who has several times tried to kill me, who has since threatened that he eventually will kill me and who has (since the trial and only 4 weeks back) been to my house and killed one of my pets as a “warning” to me that “my turn is coming” – not to laugh out loud at his obvious, clumsy, transparent and ridiculous orchestrations and attempts to manipulate judicial staff….

I think the bit we enjoyed laughing about most of all was that when, during the 10-15 minutes or so that he took to “compose himself”, stop the alleged bleed and re-enter the court-room, my friend took the opportunity to visit the rest room. On her way past both barristers who were involved in the trial (mine and his) she overheard Superspath’s barrister say to my barrister, “You know, I AM trying to remain professsional about all of this…”…. in other words, they BOTH knew he was faking the “nose bleed” for effect and sympathy. It didn’t work and he wound up looking like the stupid Neanderthal twit that he is…..

“This site made me realise that we are the good people and we deserve to have good things happen to us-but that can only happen when we let go of the bad thing that’s holding us back”

Couldn’t agree with you more sister! xx

Happy New Year to all at Lovefraud. Thanks Donna for this piece to the jigsaw puzzle, I’m thinking this ‘Just World Hypothesis’ is what I swallowed hook line and sinker. I even blame myself still, 3 years later (or is it 4? happy to notice I forget!)

Not to mention shooting the messenger of bad news, I’ve been “shot at” by all family members and the rule is not to talk about it (because they find it too much!) my friends lament with me till it feels like patronizing and I found solace in only one place and that was lovefraud

The Just World Hypothesis I liken to a family system and ” we are a good Family” anyone who goes against this creed (even though it’s true) will be sacrificed for the impression management of “A good Family” or “A Just World”

I saw through the Dysfunctional Family’s unwritten rules and I am seeing through the Just World Hypothesis unwritten rules and standing here in 2012 there is much about this world that is illusiory! it hangs together in chaos

My gut is all I got left to decipher where I am…

Bulletproof,

Likewise here. It is chaos and I don’t feel I can rely on anything but my gut either ……and I question that considering I was married to a spath for 30 years. Still don’t know why I occasionally feel sorry for him and that REALLY frustrates me. Not sure if I am just trying to hold onto “something” since my Mom died shortly after the divorce was finalized and now there are all sorts of estate issues with my siblings. I hate what greed does to people.

New

Good Article Donna. Thank you so much for what you do in exposing these scoundrels. “Spathdom” should be taught in schools along with sex education.
This way we would be hip to and on the lookout for these predator’s before they targeted us. I educated all my kids about sociopaths but this is something my parents where not knowledgeable about even though my mother had been targeted by my spath stepfather.

I can remember when my spath ex targeted me and left me devasted & in financial ruin all the nay sayer’s were quick to blame me. Even the spaths few friends had no sympathy for me. They all knew what he was though no one warned me yet it was my fault for being so naive & gullible.

Even his own mother who was in on the marital fraud scam said to me “you were the dumb stupid bitch who fell for his lies and promises.”
She then said any idiot would have known better. I told her “if they were warned or told he wasn’t normal they might have known but no one warned me and this was my first encounter with a sociopath. I’m a lot older, & wiser now. Maybe I could still be taken but now I’m hip to the sociopath profile I can identify them a lot better and I’m more cautious about people and scrutinize them better.

This experience with spaths is something we will never forget and has actually opened our eyes. I can remember well the emotional condition I was in for almost 2 years after he left & I had very little counseling to get my head straight during that time. Between now & then I’ve learned quite a bit.

Wow! This really hit home. It is what I have tried to explain and come to terms with, without the words. This is exactly how spaths can prey on Christians and others who have grown up and raised their children to believe in the best of others…..to Love their neighbors….and how un”schooled” Pastors can make determinations based on the spaths actions, words and tears while the innocent party tries to expalin what is REALLY happening. This just confirms to my heart another confimation that I am not “off”. In fact I used the exact same words as ONEJOY_STEP_AT _A_TIME to try to explain what was happening to me as I said “It is like he raped me”…….and then they used that against me too, looking over the word “Like” and saying I was accusing him of rape.

So happy to have found all of you. I don’t think I would be making it.

MY DIVORCE DATE IS THIS THURSDAY AT 1:30. I wonder what he will do at the courthouse to hurt me. Probably bring my Pastor and friends to support him, while he balls his eyes out saying how he “loves me so much but that I am too broken and unwilling to admit it or get help”.
Please stand with me in thoughts and prayers as I will be all alone. Thanks~and hugs.

Aussie girl, yea, they are queer fakers aren’t they! LOL I like the conversation between the barristers your friend heard….and the “fake nose bleed” LOL great story!

Bulletproof, glad to see you back posting! Happy new year to you!

Yea, to me it seems that we are taught the “just world” MYTH in grade school. “Work hard and do right and good things will happen to you, don’t work hard and do right and bad things will happen to you.” Somehow we get that as a CORE BELIEF and when it doesn’t happen that way, we internalize that someone since things didn’t turn out right we must not have worked hard enough….if someone else is unhappy with us it must be because we didn’t do what we were supposed to, we were selfish, or some such shiat.

Oh, well, we are learning the truth now….bad things do happen to good people, and it rains on the just and the unjust as well. Job was a good man, and Satan still attacked him and for some reason, God allowed it. Why? I’m not sure….but I think the point of the story is that even people that God loves, and people who do the best they can still are subject to have bad things happen to them THROUGH NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN….hurricanes and earth quakes, war and pestilence and psychopaths attack both the just and the unjust, the saint and the sinner! But we can LEARN TO HEED THE STORM WARNINGS and learn to “watch the signs of bad weather coming.”

Congrats Bellaangel! Well if the spath starts misbehaving at least you’ll have witnesses.

BellaAngel,

I don’t know if you ever saw that cell phone ad where there was a mob of people behind the user and the announcer said “there’s the NETWORK BEHIND YOU”—well, when you are there, just IMAGINE THE LOVEFRAUD MOB BEHIND YOU! Cheering you on, booing him and throwing spit wads at him! Imagine him naked in only a dirty diaper.

Hold your head up high, and remember that Jesus was spat on and slapped and even the apostles deserted Him, but YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You have the Lovefraud mob, and we are there for you in spirit and prayers! (((hugs))))

“So, if we want to hold on to our beliefs in a just world, where behavior results in predictable consequences, we have to make sure that sociopaths experience consequences for their behavior”. You said it right on!!!
Our family has been stalked by this person who’s known for stalking and deception in his community who attempted to kill my brothers, make them insane, kill me while expressing his pedophilic desires towards our children through many secretive ways. I am in touch with community leaders, where he lives, for them to realize this person’s reality of being a secertive murderer, stalker and a pedophile beyond just a deceptive person. This person has tried to create so many obstacles in my way suggesting there’s no “just world” because we give these people hope that people believing in “just world” and esp. some cultures would only blame the victim and not the sociopath. However, I strongly agree that if we believe in providing “just world” for others, then we have to make sure that the sociopaths like the one who is after me and my family , do go through the consequences for violating our human rights.

LOL, I love the mental image of the LoveFraud Mob! 🙂

Ox Dover: Thank you SO MUCH!! I feel the strength through your words,after spending the holidays 100% alone after a lifetime of friends and family I have to hold onto those images and I will get through…because of LF and you!!

sdartistry: I am experiencing the same thing….every person thinking and treating me as though I am the “crazy one” while he stalks me and has decieved every person I know…..and has been found to be a pedophile by me and his other previous women. Hang in there!…and I hold on to the hope that one day they will fall in their own snare,and be exposed for who they really are!

bellaangel,

I loved Ox Drover’s suggestions to you, especially about imagining a gang of people “booing him and throwing spit wads at him.” LOL. Yes, we can be in the court room with you (in spirit). I would not think too much about who his emotional supporters are – I’d be only concerned about being permanently free of this toad. They do show their “true colors” over time. Our spath has been arrested. I talked to the detective about him, describing him as a “smooth talker,” a “pathological liar.” She told me that there are people who didn’t know he had this side to him – they’re disappointed in him. People find out over time.

Dear everyone here. Finally, after realizing and escaping long term relations with the spath, I stopped believing in Just World. It makes me somehow sad. Sometimes – not always, – I wish I was the same naive person. I used to believe, it is something wrong with me and if I just try hard enough, life will just and fine. Now I see, it is nothing wrong with me with, but more about the world around. And I cant control it, or fix it, and it scares. So I feel. Share if you experienced similar.

SarahPL,

Never give up. Always have hope ……never, never, never give up.

Someone once said that to me and I never forgot it. And now, I’m passing it onto you friend in the hope it will be a small comfort to you and your pain.

In the end, they harm themselves far more than they harm us. If you view the only measurement as being one of the soul’s journey, who is affected more?

BellaAngel, I hope you are having him charged for abusing children?

I am a psychopath–sociopath ,have caused a lot of problems in my last two relationships. Was married for over 30 years with just the normal type problems in a relationship. The wife died of cancer . I started dating had problems with trust. After a year we married and the hell started between the two of us. The woman was a nurse and was bipolar.,this ended with her shooting me 5 times with a 38 ,i survived ,we ended the relationship. Several years later i got into another relationship with a woman almost 20 years younger,she was of questionable reputation.\,she had been molested by her uncle from age 12 past age 16,she had problems and was manic depresent as well as by polar and some other problems steming from her mother mental condition pased on to her.Life is hell for someone like me when she wanted to divorce me due to my age difference,this is when i realized i had problems. I blamed it all on her and her bipolar,so i did all the bad things listed and more trying to get her to stay. I thought i loved her but now realize i never did ,it was for sex and money and i did not want to loose that. I am educated an engineer retired owned my business for 25 years was sucessfull.Each time she left me i moved in with peter pan and the easter bunny,where i could look down on her and direct all my get you actions.Thanks to this web sight i am now over her ,live alone with my dogs on my farm and found happiness,because when she left the last time i emailed her info on love fraud to her and i watched her take your advice ,number one is no contact by me or her as i had to have help with my problem and so did she. Thank you for helping the two of us stay away before something bad happened.

BellaAngel
BRAVO for you. Severing his leeching tenticles is a BIG accomplishment. I have recently achieved the same and the negativity lifted from my spirit. I am shy and not a hugger but if I were there, I WOULD give you the strongest, firmest, most blessingist hug possible.

Wishing you ALL THE BEST
Katy

Ox Drover
It is so cool that you remember me! great to see you still so active on the site and naming it all as it unfolds…it’s a long unfolding nightmare that is happening to the World and we have to stay vigilant for “bad weather” unfortunately a tsunami is a tsunami but if you can trust the quiver in your soul…the inner voice that whispers “run for the hills” then just do it!

New
Feeling sorry for an entity that would in all probability leave you on the side of the road dying is not wise if you want to see out your life! I think you still suffer from “faith In Human kindness” for me that has been obliterated and replaced with relying on my gut feeling and practical common sense!

I relate to the Sibling drama…it was the next thing I had to deal with after the psycopath, I am beginning to see in my situation, behaviour similar to psychopathic emanating from my mother and see how that may have set me up to feel familiar with abuse….You need to fight for what is rightfully yours and yet be willing to lose it all at the same time!!! Good Luck

Thanks, Strongawoman. Have you ever felt that way too? Another aspect that I observed – people hate to hear my story. Any slightest remark is met with such a distontent. I think, for them the act of speech is equal to the act of abuse. I evoke negative emotions, shame, guilt, et cetera. So the only way to be with people is – TO PRETENT. I am deprived of possibility to be sincere.

Thanks for all the great feedback-I’ve been one of you for so long, but wasn’t ready to ‘let go’ until now. It’s kind of like learning there is no Santa…it’s a tough thing to come to terms with, that the man you loved, fought for and helped SO many, many times felt nothing for you-that was the hardest thing for me, but it did not make me lose faith in the goodness that is in the world. I couldn’t believe I was so stupid for so very long…I believed in a man that set out to hurt me. That was not my fault and I did not deserve it. I am a teacher, I went back to get my degree at the age of 40…I’m now 45-the psycho actually had the GALL to tell me that he allowed me to go back to school & I should be grateful to him! I had two young kids, got loans, traveled by bus and train daily while he sulked and got so drunk that he nearly died-AND I TOOK HIM BACK because I felt guilty!

If I had not found Lovefraud, I honestly believe that if he didn’t kill me, I would have killed myself. The first most valuable piece of information for me was reading about how they talk in circles without saying anything & how they turn every argument against you. Man, oh man, that was a life saver. He drove me nuts with that!

Anyone Whois reading lovefraud but is not ready to let go…please, keep reading-because one day very soon you will be ready and you will have the tools in your hands-all the shared experiences and the FANTASTIC advice of people WHO HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW! I tried cutting the ties before I was ready and it never worked, I took him back because I still believed his lies. But once you are ready you can let go knowing that you are stronger, smarter and BRAVER than he will ever hope to be.

I spent years and years being a victim-but no more! I had twins-lost one shortly after he was born -my x told me that my crying shamed him and that I had to stop or he’d leave. I should have left then but I didn’t-instead I was told by the nurses that I was amazing because I left the hospital only 24 hours after having a c section. I was in pain but had to get home because my 1 and a half ur old son was home with him. Oh, and he stole my pain meds. I still haven’t properly grieved for my baby and that was 12yrs ago.

SarahPL,
I don’t tend to tell my story away from LF. Yes I have friends and my daughters but I don’t want to burden them with it all. There’s too much….I’d never shut up!

LF has been the MAIN reason I’ve managed to stay no contact with my ex. I’ve tried before but not succeeded ….I went back a lot of times. But when I feel unsure or I question myself or when I ruminate too much, I come here. It’s my safety net ….for now. I have faith I’ll be ok and will recover fully! I really think I would have gone back if it hadn’t been for the people on this blog.

Sorry, I rambled! Lol! My point was please, please don’t give up on the goodness in others. It’d be like getting food poisoning from a bad Chinese meal and then never ever even consider visiting china…just think what you’d be missing out on! 😀

God Bless you all and if you are in the psycho trap but are not ready to let go-read all you can on here and prepare for ‘the right time’-it will come!
Btw-I am in London. My ex an American but is able to claim unemployment & housing benefits(welfare). I learned that his payments stopped because he didn’t go to sign in-he’s got to prove that he’s looking for work. He couldn’t get himself to go pick up free cash. I didn’t know this when he showed up at my door claiming undying love and devotion…his reasoning is simple…why should he work to pay rent when he can stay here for free and sleep all day. Lol!

((hugs)) (rant over!!!) 🙂
Ps-what does Tawonda mean? 🙂

Strongawoman, how to you cope with this – having friends but not wanting to burden them. At least in my culture, friend is the one you can share your burden with. Otherway, it is just acquitance – you can talk about weather, business, regular events, tell jokes, but you dont connect emotionally and you not emotionally intimate. Again, sorry, maybe this is american way.

I don’t know if it’s the American way. It’s my way and that’s all I know.

It’s safe here. I don’t get judged. And when I’ve confided in friends I have found they don’t really understand the mindset of the type of person/spath I’m dealing with and I am aware that sometimes I sound a bit “crazy”
Before I came hear I thought psychopaths were extreme, serial killers. I didn’t realise it’s a spectrum

Lettingo

Towanda is like saying good on you! Well done!! Good for you!!

And I liked what you said. Rant away!! Lol. Towanda : )

thanks. if you can be in comfort with it, it means I can too. at least, there is no other way. living with a secret. (?)

strongawoman,
they are ALL serial killers. The difference is in the way they do it. Some give you cancer – from the stress. Others drive you to suicide. Still others steal your life from you one minute at a time. They demand that you sacrifice for them, constantly. Until one day you realize that your life has passed you by while you were giving and giving and giving to the ungrateful parasite. It’s a form of suicide, too.

In my experience, they kill us the way one boils a frog. You put the frog in a pan of cold water and turn up the heat very slowly. The frog becomes accustomed to the changing temperature and never realizes it’s being boiled to death.

The only reason I escaped my spath’s boiling water is because he got impatient and turned up the heat too fast, near the end.

I had two lifelines, this site and my friends. I know I sounded crazy at times but I couldn’t hold it all in-that would have made me even crazier! I think it helps to tell someone because when you explain what’s going on out loud you realise how warped things have become. Begin by telling one close friend. With me it sounded like I was sharing a very badly written movie…& eventually I was able to talk about it and laugh, as in: “you would not believe what he’s done now!!!” friends helped me to see that my life was not normal, other women would not put up with his crap & I didn’t have to put up with it! 🙂 good luck!

Skylar
It still is hard to get my head around the need to destroy another person. But to get you to do it for them …suicide. That is ..incomprehensible. And still it tells me it loves me and I’m the best woman ever.

Glad you escaped his boil in the bag! If there’s any justice in the world, what goes around comes around. Mine just seems to always come out of shiat smelling of roses

Send this to a friend