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By September 17, 2010 66 Comments Read More →

Why did this happen to me?

As I discovered my entire marriage was a scam, one of the questions that I tormented myself with was, “Why did this happen to me?”

I couldn’t understand it. I am an honest, responsible, forthright person. I honor my obligations. I am considerate of other people. So why did I end up with a lying, cheating sociopath, who took from me almost everything—my money, my career, and even, to a certain degree, my identity.

It didn’t make any sense.

I know other Lovefraud readers have asked the same question. Generally, we are a caring, helpful, empathetic group of people. This virtue, we’ve found out, turns into a vulnerability when we cross paths with a sociopath. Our caring and willingness to put ourselves out for others makes us fat, juicy targets for the predator.

Some of us have sociopathic family members. Now, as the old saying goes, we can pick our friends, but we can’t pick our relatives. So why did we end up with exploiters as blood relations? Or, just as puzzling, why did we end up with a conscience when others in the family are predators?

Struggle with the question

Now, I didn’t ask “why?” out of intellectual curiosity. When I realized the depths of my husband’s betrayal, I was outraged. I was scared. I was shaken to my core.  I was in so much emotional pain that sometimes all I could do was collapse on the floor and curl up in a ball.  For me, “why?” wasn’t a polite question. It was a vociferous demand to know the reason for my suffering.

To whom was the question addressed? To my inner self. To my higher knowing. To my guardian angels. To anyone who could come up with an answer.

It all seemed so capricious, and I was angry—with myself, with the universe, with God.

Reason for the madness

Slowly, in tiny bits and pieces, the answer to my question arrived. And for a long time, I had difficulty accepting it.

I learned that there was, indeed, a reason for what seemed to be madness. The reason that the sociopath crashed through my life was for my own personal growth. The objective was for me to switch my consciousness, my concept of myself.

I discovered that I held many mistaken beliefs about myself. For example, I believed that I couldn’t be loved simply for being, I had to earn love through accomplishment. This belief was not true, yet it was strong enough to block love from entering my life.

I believed that no one wanted me, that I was unworthy of happiness. These beliefs were also false.

Ironically, because the sociopath treacherously deceived me, and because I demanded to know why, the answers came. I was able to identify the beliefs that created so much pain in my life, and let them go.

Releasing the disappointment

So how did this work? Because of my lifelong feelings of emptiness and isolation, I carried within me a profound sense of disappointment. I was vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath, who promised me love, success, a family—everything that would take my disappointment away. I fell for it.

But of course, his words were more than nothings, they were lies, and the life he promised was a mirage. So instead of dissipating, my disappointment grew. It gathered strength and expanded until it overwhelmed me, and my consciousness could no longer contain it. The disappointment overflowed in the form of tears and emotional pain, draining from my being.

With that, I was free of it. The space within me that had once been filled with disappointment was now available to accept love.

Transformation

If you’re passing through the firestorm, know that there is a reason for the experience. The point is to somehow help you grow, to free yourself of limiting beliefs.

So as the insanity and turmoil mount, deal with it the best you can, and keep going.

There is a reason for it all, and the possibility of a profound transformation, on the other side of the experience.


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66 Comments on "Why did this happen to me?"

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I am starting to understand why it happend to me and it is so easy to see.
I was alone with a 10 months old baby, I had money and …I wanted to be loved. This man came along; he had been away for a while (a ski bum) so had no place of his own, no job , no education. He was very good with my son and later adopted him. We had another son 2 years later. We continued to live in my house and I paid for pretty much everythting – but he always had money to go skiing with his friendds.

What is a bit puzzelling is that our relation lasted 17 years . Aren’t socios suppose to move from one to the other?

We had good times and I finally had the family I always dreamed of. He was good helping around the house and we had great sex.
But ..he was a liar. He lied about activities he did with his friends but when caught , said it was my fault if he lied because I was too controlling. He lied about money and where he spent it.

I had enough
last year and kicked him out. But it is soooo hard. yes I miss him. We still talk for the boys, he gives me almost no money for them. He is always sweet and looks sad, says he finds it hard to be alone …

He has a job and an appartment and I think he is trying to be more responsible.

I find it hard to be without him even after everything – I think that 17 years says that he did love me.

In the back of my mind I wish he would come back.

Is this called being caught in the web of a sociopath???

It really helps to stop and think about the reason you are seeking a relationship with- ANYbody to begin with. Fear of being alone or needing someone for financial reasons or survival will more likely make you a willing target. Desperatly needing to “fit in” by having success, a family, a big house, a certain career- all of these are unfortunately all too obvious to a predator. While all the while you may already possess the very attributes you seek! The predator sees this and reckons he (she) can just pretend THEY have or want the same in a partner. Now I have discovered (after TWO relationships with sociopaths) that it’s OK to not want or need a partner and satisfaction from living doesn’t require a partner at all. This attitude will set you free from inadvertantly choosing a sociopathic partner because you will LEAVE after the first dishonesty and not give him (or her) multiple second chances. That’s the “secret” to avoiding predatory, toxic partners: cut off the opportunity for them to repeat their behavior. And if you think you are not emotionally strong enough to get outta there after one incident, then you really shouldn’t have ANY partner- not until you find some self-esteem.

Loubierd, Erdelyi,

Something that I’ve learned throughout the ordeal of my fake marriage is that the healing always comes from within. In fact, the object of the exercise is for us to release the internal pain that we carry, the pain that made us vulnerable to the sociopath to begin with.

We can release the pain, and when we do, fill the empty space with love, joy and happiness.

Going through the trials is miserable. But there really can be peace on the other side.

thanks donna once again you have put into words what i already knew in my heart.

What you learn, as well as your own personal growth, are so important in any mistake, big or small. Bravo to you!

So I ask, what personal growth should be expected from being betrayed, bankrupted, lied to, deceived, abused, etc? I was with my s-path for 33 years. Married for 31 of them. I don’t believe that I will ever be the same person that I was before. This isn’t personal growth, its complete apocalypse of the essence of who I was. I used to believe in God. I used to believe that being a good person, working hard, and having honesty, integrity and honor were all worthwhile attributes for me. What a fool I am. I have been a failure my entire life. Now in my mid-fifties, I now realize that it is too late for me. I divorced too late to save my children and myself from the soul devastation and destruction rendered by the sociopath. I exist. My greatest fear is that my children, now 22years old and 17 years old, will also be drawn to partners in their lives that will be sociopaths. After all, the partner will remind them of their father that they love and fear. My life has been and still is an exercise in futility and hope. It actually feels better to give up hope because then you don’t expect anything to change for the better. What personal growth should be expected from suffering and not wanting to ever become close to anyone.

Comille54:
You are still in the throws of the destruction… just hold on!! You have to hold to that faith that you had before. God and the TRUTH in His Word is ALL that will bring you the HOPE and PEACE that there can be even in the aftermath. It sounds like we had similar experiences minus 30 years.

I was married to my S for 3 years. I was 6 months pregnant when I started finding out about the mess. 6 months later he was out of our home, leaving me and our 3 month old child with just OVER $600,000 in debt, no job, no income, no money… just surmounting and daily increasing debt and destruction.
It has taken me the past 2 years to even begin to recoup. I am finally the STRONG self assured woman I used to be … just somewhat different. I had an aquaintence ask me the other day how long I went through counseling. I told her I hadn’t and she was very surprised because I am doing so well. Here is my advice:

1: Read Proverbs for each day (every month, not just once). You will see that God WILL avenge your pain and the EVIL this man has done to you and others. Now, that said… that doesn’t mean it will be here in this lifetime. BUT He promises that people like this WILL BE DESTROYED!

2: Find a way to LET GO. Start fresh. The money is gone… you can earn more and you will survive. You and your children are alive, and hopefully wiser. You CANNOT let the bitterness and anger overtake you. It will eat you up and HE WINS AGAIN. DON”T LET HIM WIN AGAIN!!

3: Take a deep breath every morning and live that day… then the next … then two at a time… you will get there. IT WILL TAKE TIME!!

If I could describe the peace and amazing life I have now that I am just slightly through the “other side.”
I am a single mom, I work for a NFP and work a million hours a week. Then I come home to my precious, crazy little monkey who is 2 now. I am living paycheck to paycheck with NO Child support (because the S can’t keep a job long enough for Child Support Enforcement to keep up with him). BUT I AM HAPPY!!!
There is no one spending my money but ME! THere is no one affecting my child but ME (and my WONDERFULLY SUPPORTIVE FAMILY)
There is no one telling me that I am not good enough for him or that I could never get someone as goodlooking as him, or telling me I am stupid or have no friends and not worth anything. I AM WORTHY because I am a child of the KING! My family LOVES me, my God LOVES me! My Friends LOVE me!

I AM BLESSED IN ALL THINGS! (Hey we are out of their grip!!) 🙂

I pray you find this peace and realize that God only wants to draw you closer to HIM and he has brought you out of this mess, ALIVE!

It happens to us because we didn’t have high self esteem and/or the skills to protect ourselves.
We need to teach our children about “life” and people. We need to educate them when they are young, to recognize con artists and to never trust anyone until they earn it.
Most of all, we need to raise our children with tons of praise so that they have confidence in themselves and strength to be alone and not desperate to have a partner…not to be vulnerable.
I know that I didn’t have the confidence to set strong boundaries when I was younger. I now do, not just in love relationships, but with friends, coworkers,and everyone I am in contact with. I had to learn the hard way.

Comille54,

I absolutely understand how you feel right now, because I felt the same way. I almost lost everything. When my business was at its peak, every dime I earned was spent supporting my ex-husband’s wild ventures, which, I eventually learned, included cheating on me.

I felt stupid, betrayed, angry, enraged and hopeless. I felt like my life was at its end. I felt like I’d never climb out of the hole.

I suggest that you allow yourself to feel those feelings – and let them go. Feel the sadness, the disappointment and rage, and let it pass out of your system.

You’ll find that you have layers and layers of pain. You’ll let some go, and more will come to the surface. Just keep going – it will take time.

At the same time, find any bit of joy in your life that you can – a sunny day, pleasant moments with your children, something you like to do. Focus on those joyful moments. Eventually the joy will expand and the pain will recede. You may not see it now or tomorrow, but eventually you’ll be surprised to find yourself peaceful.

You brought up your fear that your children will make similar mistakes. I suggest that you learn all you can about these disordered personalities, and then teach your children to avoid them. With that, your pain will have served a purpose.

I have been on this site reading all the info about sociopaths for about two years now and this is the first time I have ever been moved enough to leave a comment. I did not know until I found this site 2 yrs ago what it was that I had been married to for 13 yrs (at that time, now 15 yrs) and Lovefraud helped me to discover what had kept me so confused and crazy for all those years. I will not go into detail about all the pain and betrayal I have suffered at the hands of this man, for I know that all of you who have dealt with these individuals all suffer the same pains, but this man has done and continues to do horrendous things to me that no human should have to suffer. That I continue to do so, is a whole nother story.
One common thing I have observed about all of us is that we all are genuinely nice people who want to believe that most people who exist on this planet are also genuinely nice people. I know from my experience, it has been so hard for me to make myself believe that this person that sometimes seems so wonderful, could really be the monster that he really IS. I don’t want to believe it. I want to believe he is that beautiful soul that he play acts he is some of the time. The pain comes when the real monster comes to the surface, and I have to face the fact that he is a sociopath.
I write this now because of the comment that Comille54 made. I, too have found myself at times losing my faith, and struggling to understand why a God, who I believe loves me, would have allowed such a monster to enter into my life, when I thought that I was trying so hard to be such a good person and struggled so hard to be as much like God as I could be. It is so hard to make any sense of that and the pain is hard to bear. Then one day as I quoted a story to a friend that I would like to share with you all, but especially with Comille54, I suddenly had some sort of an awakening as to why. It is the story of ” The Little Soul”

And it was morning, the Little Soul had come before God to ask Him if he could return to Earth to live another life. He told God he wanted to return and be an aspect of God. God said that was good but what aspect of Himself would the Little Soul like to be. The Little Soul thought for a moment about all the wonderful aspects God is and after some contemplation, He turned to God and said, ” I would like to be the aspect of forgiveness” God said “that is a wonderful aspect, but I have to ask you,turn around and look and tell me, who would you forgive?” All the Souls that had ever been created had gathered because they had heard that God was in the process of having a very important conversation. The Little Soul looked upon all the magnificent Souls who stood by listening. They were all so wonderful, pure, full of love and light, that he could not see even one whom he would have to forgive for anything. He said to God,” I do not know.”
Just then one older and wiser Soul stepped forward from the crowd and said ” Little Soul, I will go with you and I will come into your life and I will do all manner of evil to you. I will smite you, hurt your feelings, call you names, take from you, show you no concern, and do hurtful and demeaning things to you.” The Little Soul could not believe his ears, here was this glowing beautiful Soul saying he would do all these terrible things to him and he had to ask “Why would you do this and lower your light?” The older Soul said” It is because I love you and you are desirous of being the aspect of God called forgiveness and you will need someone to forgive if you wish to become this, but there is one thing that I have to ask of you that you must do for me. As I do these horrible things to you, you must remember who I am…..”
(This story is not an exact account of a story that is written in one of the three books called “Conversations with God”, but close enough for you to get the jest of it.)

As I recounted this story to a friend after complaining about my husband and all the terrible things he had done to me, I realized how important a teacher my husband had been for me. Long ago I prayed that I would become as much like God as I could possibly be. I by no means have accomplished that, but by being with my husband ( I am sure You will know what I mean) I have certainly learned to dance with the Devil. and who better to teach you how to dance with the Devil than the Devil himself, right? To live with my husband I have had to learn unconditional love, how not to seek revenge, how to hold my temper, “Thou shalt not kill” (LOL),understanding, tolerance for many things I thought I could not tolerate, forgiveness, and too many other aspects of God to even begin to list. God sent me the perfect teacher to make me learn all the things I had requested to learn. It is written that God said “I have sent you nothing but Angels” I can see sometimes, when I stop and look, that this is so true.
I do not recommend to anyone that they stay in a relationship, as I have, with someone who is so clearly a sociopath, but I do recommend that the experience of it may be looked at in a different manner. As demoralizing and defeating as these relationships can be, please understand that for everything there is a reason and a purpose, and God has not forsaken you and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It is so true that “What does not kill you. makes you stronger” and I would like to include, much wiser.
I pray for all of us that the pain can turn into some sort of revelation to benifit us all.
I know I have not become the evil that dwells within him and I pray to God, I never will. I am truly sorry for him that he has to be that. But possibly he does that for me to learn. God only knows.

I too have asked why, and have received answers about myself and am still passing through a “firestorm” as you called it. I like that choice of word. But the idea that there is somehow a “point” to my having gone through this, I say no. I am a praying agnostic and if there is a God, he did not cause or decide that I needed to go through any of this. I was trying to be a good Christian, forgiving him and giving him grace. He exploited that in me and I no longer hold to the belief system I did…and that is freedom, and that is my choice. I commend you for what you have accomplished in your healing and that you are helping others, but when you cross into the metaphysical or seek spiritual answers for what has happened, even in seeking some “purpose” or “point” you are crossing the line into the subjective and that part of the journey is up to the individual walking through it. Mankind commits many horrendous and abominable acts on a daily basis and the idea that some people have been singled out to go through them is offensive to me now. I have NOTHING because of him. No resource to even hire an attorney. I have two law suits in holding that I filed pro se. I want to file more against others who have had a piece in keeping this man free to harm and who contributed to my feeling like I didn’t matter and don’t matter. The prosecutor who treated me so horribly was forced to resign over another case, a case in which the victims had money, a case outside the city of Springfield proper! I want logic to rule if I do find the strength to file a suit against the prosecutor. Not emotion, not the politics and the cronyism I have seen out there, all emotion based and not logic based. What we hold onto might cloud our vision and it is part of the freedom of being an American, not having to bring God, any God, into the picture at all. I pray. But I also walk through the ugliness of the reality of it all. When mankind chooses to do right, then he is on the side of good, and if there is a God, the side of a good God. But mankind can choose to do right or wrong without any spiritual discussion. It is about choice.

I too believe the reason I ended up married to a sociopath is that I had/have life lessons to learn. I think this is a very common theme for victims of sociopaths. I had career success and was financially comfortable; but, I wanted more than anything to be loved by another, seemingly unable to love myself enough.

I was an easy victim for a talented con man who picked up on this early and used it to his advantage telling lie after lie along the way. I, too, lost everything — $250,000, a job, friends, and much of my sense of self.

Though I am still working through the process, I believe the lessons will ultimately serve me well as I pick of the pieces of a mostly shattered life after 4-years. Guess it could have been longer…

It will take years of frugal living and overtime to pay off the debt and begin again financially at 49-years-old. My lifestyle has drastically changed but I am now and will be continue to be happier while free of all the lies and heartache. I am able to move forward in my life again toward whatever remains in my destiny. I believe all things happen for a reason; even something as destructive as this relationship has been.

I read one of the “Conversations with God” books that included the story about the Little Soul. Other religious, spiritual and metaphysical people also say that there is no evil, only apparent evil.

I will admit that I struggle with this concept. As far as I was concerned, in my ex-husband I came face to face with heartless evil. He abused me; he exploited me. What he did was wrong, and he should not have been allowed to get away with it. But for a long time, he did, and I was angry. I, too, asked, why would God put this evil in my life?

If you’ve watched my video on this site, you’ll find that I’ve come to believe that we all live many lives. I know these concepts are foreign to many people, which is why I write about them here and not on the main Lovefraud site. I learned that my soul had multiple lives with the soul of my ex-husband. I was able to recover some of the memories. He always exploited me.

In this lifetime, my goal was to be free of him. What that means is that he no longer has his psychological and emotional hooks in me. I have learned the truth of his sorry existence, and he no longer has a hold over me. Therefore, there is no longer any need for him to be in my life.

Through my experience and meditations, I’ve learned that we are all on a journey back to God, and that all of our journeys are different. There are billions of souls, and billions of ways back to God.

At this stage of my personal evolution, I feel that sociopaths should be exposed, punished and avoided. Other people may be in different places on the journey and more willing to tolerate them.

For me, I have reached the point where he no longer affects me, and that was my objective. The energy that I had tied up in anger, hatred and fear is now being put to better use. I am peaceful, and I have love.

I would like to say that when I wrote my comment I in no way meant to imply that my thoughts should be intended to force anyone to believe any way but what they wish to believe. I do believe very strongly in God and have a very difficult time seeing how it would be possible for anyone to look around at this beautiful planet, the tremendous sunsets, the glorious sky, and the vast Universe and not believe that something must have created all this, that there had to be a First Source and Center. I call this First Source, God, a name I have chosen. I somehow feel that whatever name anyone chooses to call IT, IT would not really mind. Since I do believe so strongly in God I also believe that God gave us all free will and it is a true sin to try to take that from anyone, so far be it for me to try to do so. The things I express are only my beliefs, should they help you in your desire for the relief from your pain, then I am grateful for your attention, should they not, then that is your choice, and you are free to ignore them. My beliefs have helped me with my pain and that is why I write.
First , let me tell you that I have incurable cancer and my life is coming to an end. I am in treatment and it is a horrible experience, but it is prolonging my existence, which is something my family members and friends wish to happen, and I must admit, I am not quite ready to go home just yet.
I only tell you this because as my life dwindles down, I have had to look back at my experiences and think about what it has all meant to me, examine myself somewhat, and ask myself what I have learned?
Reading on the Lovefraud site for these last two yrs has been of a great help to me, because not only am I presently married to a sociopath, I have been involved in my life with at least one Narcissist, one Bi-polar, and one other sociopath. I can truly say, I have lived threw hell.
Do you not believe I have many times asked myself ” Why did this happen to me?”
I have struggled with the self loathing of ‘It’s me, I am such a sucker, sap, low self esteem, stupid idiot to have become involved with such predators” Why did I let these horrible people use me and abuse me, why did I turn from one and fall into the arms of someone as equally as horrible, if not more so. I should hate myself, hate the world, hate them, hate everybody, blame God, blame the universe, blame myself. Why was I so STUPID !!!!!! All these EVIL EVIL monsters should be done away with !!!!” Trust me, you do not know how many times I have, at the hands of this thing I live with now, in the throws of one of his abusive and beyond cruel attempt to destroy me thought ” This guy has no one left in his life who would miss him, he has run everyone else but me off and as many times as he has done his disappearing acts, I could just murder him and bury him in the back 40 ( We live on 800 acres) and no one would even suspect a thing when I told them he had done another of his disappearing acts. Besides if they did, they know all about the horridus things he has put me through and they wouldn’t say a word.”
I have wondered sometimes at how these people’s minds work. How can they even think the thought they think? How can they concive of the cruelty they contrive. How can they smile and play act this wonderful loving human being when, behind those actions they are hating you and plotting to destroy you with every breath they take. I have read on this site how psychologists and psychiatrist have studied the minds of sociopaths and they do not functions as normal ( my God what is normal) people’s minds do, and I find this all very, very sad. I may not myself have a normal mind, but I am at least honest enough to usually be able to tell people what I truly feel. I do not connive behind peoples backs, I do not wish to destroy anyone, I try to be kind, loving and helpful to all I meet. What a tremendously horrible place to live in, a mind that thinks like theirs. I can not even fathom, nor do I want to.
I have never been a wealthy woman, so possibly I can not understand what it is to lose my station in life. I have although been stolen from, lied to, abused both physically , and mentally, run around on with other woman, and men, taken advantage of and just about any number of other things most of these predators do. Thank God I have never been exposed to one who would have abused my children, for that I would now be incarcerated.
Now to what I have learned from all this.
I am a pretty great person. Let me repeat that in bold.
I AM A PRETTY GREAT PERSON !!!!!
As i near the end of my journey on this planet, I realize that is all that matters, because that is all I can take with me.
You may be saying ” What a stupid idiot”
Well, let me tell you why I feel this way.
Sure I was abused, but I didn’t abuse.
Sure I was taken advantage of, but I didn’t take advantage.
Sure I had low self esteem, but I wasn’t some ego maniac that felt I was entitled to take what ever I wanted from some unsuspecting soul, because they felt less that adequate.
Sure I was hated, but I never hated back,( I lie, at one time I hated my narcissist, but not for long)
I never killed any of them, although God only knows, I would have probably saved some other poor person from being in as much pain as I have experienced.
Sure I was never truly loved, but I truly loved them , and isn’t that what life is all about anyway. Who you truly love, not who loves you.
I believe in my loving wonderful brother Jesus Christ. I believe He is the creator of our Super Universe. He came here to teach us all to love one another. He did no wrong, He just loved. He was taken and wrongfully accused and beaten severely and hung on a cross. He could have at any time He wished ask for all the Heavenly Hoists to destroy this planet and everyone on it, but He took what they dished out and I do not believe as He hung there He was thinking, ” God , why was I such a fool, why did I let them take advantage of me, why did I love so much, I have low self esteem, I am an idiot”. No He merely said ” God , forgive them, for they know not what they do”
I am not nor could I ever be that loving or understanding, but I’ll be damned if I can’t at least try and know that it is not my fault and because of that sincerity I felt for them, I am not that bad, I am a pretty Great person, and so are all of you, in my opinion.

meliva,
Like you, I believe in God, and I have tried to turn the other cheek and refrain from seeking revenge.

I have started to question what my children might have learned from watching my (lack of)reactions. By turning the other cheek, I suspect my children have learned that I think it is ok to allow others to treat me unfairly. Others might seem to have the right to treat me any way they want because I’m simply not worth defending. No one is ever held accountable for treating me like a door mat.
If so, I was wrong.

Now, how do I make them realize that they are valuable and have a moral obligation to stand up to a bully and demand to be treated fairly (or they should leave)?

You have 800 acres…that you’re probably leaving to your bully.
Do you have a will…or are you choosing to reward your bully and ignore leaving anything specifically to each of your children?

While you still have time, tell your children that they are valuable and deserve to be treated fairly. Let them know that it is not ok to treat someone they way you were treated. Tell them that it is wrong to accept unfair treatment from anybody. Tell them to stand up for what is right! After all, wouldn’t God be on the side of righteousness?

Meliva,

Thank you so much for your post. It brought tears to my eyes.

I like your name for God. I sometimes say God, sometimes the Universe, and like you, I don’t think he/she/it (do we need capital letters?) cares what name we use.

We do have free will. God never takes it away from us, even when we hurt others—or ourselves.That’s why sociopaths are allowed to continue with their evil ways.

I believe we are all on a journey back to God – even the sociopaths. But God doesn’t care how long it takes us to return to wholeness, and doesn’t care how many detours we make. No one can be forced back to God. We all must freely choose to return.

As I say on the back cover of my book, “sociopaths have no heart, no conscience and no remorse—and sometimes we engage with them for our own spiritual growth.”

I trust that, as painful as these lessons have been for you, you have made tremendous progress on your journey. I hope the time you have left is filled with light.

I have come to the same conclusion as many of you, that this happened to me because I had life lessons to learn. It’s kind of funny, but even as a young girl, I had an idea that my destiny would be a bit different than my parents or siblings….and even though I thought all I was looking for was a good man to raise a family with, once this happened and the pain mostly diminished and I had started healing in earnest, I looked at my life and realized it needed to take a different course.

Because of all that has happened to me over the past 8 years or so, I have started back to school and am on a career path I never would have had the guts to try otherwise. It is the most fulfilling thing I have ever done in my life, so I know this is the right path for me.

These experiences have opened my eyes to parts of the human existence many others never see or if they do, do not understand. And I have already used the little knowledge I have acquired to help a few others.

So, sometimes, I find myself wanting to bury him, but other times, I want to thank him, because this is a more fulfilling existence than I had previously and it has opened the door to more learning that books could never quite have given me.

Hello all it’s me LIllianj its been a while but things are changing maybe turning the corner or beginning to. It’s a big freakin corner after all. so as a reminder…I’m a 49 year old woman three years out of a six year relationship with a Psychopath who left me, cleaned out my bank account, bought a house with me and never contributed money to or for the mortgage, insurance,tax,utilities or groceries. He moved to Mexico without warning or ever looking back. I have never talked to him since.

I saw him once in court when he sued me for half the house. I hadn’t worked in a year and a half. Unemployment had run out. I couldn’t afford a lawyer, wasn’t making house payments, behind on my credit cards, insurance, property taxes and was borrowing money from friends and family to feed my children. I was at the brink of ceding custody to my ex husband. I fought suicidal tendencies constantly. The judge wouldn’t listen or look at my proof of the financial abandonment on his part of the property and gave him half. I went home and had to seriously think about staying alive. A month later my hair started falling out due to the stress of the situation.

This was a woman who made mid six figures and closed multi million dollar contracts with the captains of industry and had an 800 credit score, no debt and bought the house with her signature. Who had I become? Who am I if I am none of those things. I am now $90K in debt, owe the IRS and the State of California $50K for penalties on draining my retirement accounts so I could live until they ran out. And worse. No confidence, no motivation, no happiness and so much anger and hate it was coming out my pores. I laid down a lot. More than I ever have before. It took me over a year to really get out of bed. I saw a doctor and found that a Thyroid condition was complicating the problem. And then my health insurance ran out.

The house is up for sale and well on its way to foreclosure. I managed to sell the property my ex was living in thusly displacing my kids from the only home they’ve ever known and giving it away practically in a slumped economy but the cash saved me and was a start on a long road digging out. I just found a job two weeks ago and just started. I want to move on. I want to move out of this house. I want now to be complete again. Finally at least for today I care again. I am so grateful that I have survived so far and I am working. I am grateful that I found out who my friends were loudly and clearly and I love them more than they could ever ever know. I learned how to ask for help. And to say no I can’t help you this time.

There is no reason this happened to me. There was nothing I did or didn’t do right or wrong. It’s a random universe and I got hit by a stray meteor that I just didn’t see coming. Am I more guarded. Definitely. Am I less trusting – maybe not. Am I more aware that I am me without giving a thing to anyone or having a thing to my name. Yes. Still here. I still crave to trust human nature. I search for a trusting soul. But my eyes are open. I try and see things for what they are with out judgement or anger towards others or myself. I know there is no changing anyone to fix a problem that I am in. I still harbor hatred in my soul for a person that can inflict the type of destruction we discuss on this site and that may be there for a while. I’m ready now to start over.

First I denied that it was really ending or that he would ever do such things to me and would come to his senses and return. He didn’t and he did do those things. Then I got angry for a really really long time. Anger was part and parcel who I was. I was so angry I was paralyzed by it and could do little more than sleep. I just stopped caring. I stopped crying. I was astonished by the things I thought I wanted to do in retaliation. I was exhausted by all the anger and slept some more. I was uninsured so medical care and prescription medicines were beyond my reach. I hadn’t a clue as to who this person was. Then I got depressed. Numb. Dumfounded. Catatonic. I stayed alive because I had to for my kids. If they weren’t here I don’t know I would have made it thru this time. I didn’t care that I wasn’t working. I didn’t care that my money was gone. I didn’t care that I couldn’t pay my utility bills. I didn’t care that I was hungry or that I was tired. I stayed in my room awake mostly now for days and days and days. Rarely eating. My girlfriend would have a plate of food and I would eat her leftovers sometimes. I knew she was doing this so I would eat something. I did crosswords and read the paper every day. And I lay there really just waiting to die of old age.

And then I was at the bottom below where I started from 20 years ago. And I had to wonder how I got there but I accepted that I was there. I accepted everything I just wrote. I accepted that it was up to me again to do something. And I started doing it. I’ve got the job, I’m planning to move whether the house sells or goes back to the bank. I’m planning on starting over at 49. Well, I thought, I’m going to be 49 whether I start over again or not. I am starting over again now that there is nothing else left to do. I’m still asking for help a skill i learned during this dark time. My parents loaned me money to pay my car off and put a credit card in my name so I can travel for work. My father had never never never loaned me so much as nickel and I thought I’d rather die than ask him for help but I had to and I did. I am humbled by this but there was growth. My hair is continuing to fall out but there is hope it’s slowing down as I heal. I am learning to be generous with myself and not just others. I am learning to accept generosity. I am relearning that it is up to me to move forward. No one. No one can or will do it for me. I am learning that its okay to let someone else pay the bill sometimes whether I can or not. I am learning that I like being without a man but I do love men. I am learning to date men, not invest my heart and soul into them. I am learning to be excited about my career once again. And I can’t wait to move into my own newly rented house and put this entire thing behind me. I love this site. It helped me understand that this wasn’t about me at all. There are people who don’t operate as I do and won’t do the things that I would do and that there are people who will do things I couldn’t imagine doing to others in my wildest rages. But those people can’t define me unless I let them. I can’t ever let them do such a thing again. I have to change that part of me. But I want to do it and not lose my core self. I want to do it but still see a little good in anyone, trusting others but trusting myself too and acting on that part of me. I want to be me. I want to let someone love me. I want to love myself. I want to love others. And I will one day when it is time. Right now I’m seeing what happiness can be when it comes from me and not outside influences and that is very very important and the key to a lot of these things that randomly happened to me.

The unseen meteor that hit me in the head left a crater the size of the moon, but time has smoothed it,it’s filling in with fine sand, and it is beginning to reflect the light around me. I want more light. I want time to bring all of us peace. Love to bring us comfort. and Happiness to light our way forward. xxx Lillian

Lillian,

It’s a long journey back, but you’re making it. You sound determined, hopeful and wise. It will continue to get better. I wish you peace and fulfillment.

Thank you Donna. I hope you know what a huge offering to the world your site is. You should be bigger than Facebook. The Google for sociopath damaged souls. The Microsoft of healing. I stumbled on to this site in sheer desperation. Googling things like… help me please….. suicide….evil men… psychopath……i can’t remember what else. And I saw that this was not necessarily my character defect I was dealing with. But a large part of society deals with sociopathic freaks. It gave me a diagnosis. Something to grasp and discover. An education and an explanation. Someone to relate to. I was damaged terribly and it’s been three long years. Half the amount of time I was with him and it is just now starting to turn. Perhaps with work and luck i will be healed fully before the end of the next three. 12 years tho is a long time to give up to someone like that.. Maybe I’m half way there and that in itself is a milestone…It only goes to show how much damage the evil of a sociopath can do to your soul. And, how important your efforts are here.

I wish I could return the favor. It would be impossible to measure up to the single minded focus of one woman and her quest to expose the illness, the symptoms, the damage, the grief, the struggle, the hope, and the slow but certain recovery, the journey that you share with all of us. You will never know the magnitude of the healing you must be spreading throughout the land. I will be one of those healed and who does know. And there are many others…..

Congratulations on your book. It should be immediately archived in the National Library at the Smithsonian. Really. Lillian

Lillian,

Thank you so much for your kind words. You can return the favor. When the opportunity arises, tell people about the disorder. Tell them about Lovefraud. If they don’t get it, tell them about the book. It takes the reader slowly through the journey, so they can see how it all happens, and why it happens.

Knowledge is power!

Amen and amen!

A great article -Thanks.

We either grow or repeat.

Either hold on to the lie’s [limiting beliefs] we have held so dear or reach for the truth.

Beliefs drive [our] behavior

spoon

Geeez! Lillian – Thank You for sharing your story!
I will not forget it.

I can identify with your feelings and how your children ‘saved’ you for the rest of the world.

I saved my son – and he has recently and up to now, saved me.

This Blog and the stories and participants have really been giving me a lot of insight and education.

So many of you – male and female – have so many encounters (Some of them lasting for decades!!!) with parasitic deceivers.

Any relationship should be a partnership. Partners bring what they have to the relationship. This helps us to realize what we have and, what others can appreciate and use from us. Sometimes it has seemed to me that a relationship was meant to be because I brought something that my partner says and realized they were looking for or felt they really needed or wanted. Sometimes it has been I that felt that way about my partner.

Uncanny, isn’t it?

But then there are those relationships – like I read about here that are more analogous to picking up a blood-sucking tick while walking through the grass.

There are a lot of people out there looking for a free ride – but it goes to another level or category to be included in the subset of ‘Psychopaths.’ I wonder about this question – as the author of this thread seems unsure. However, in her case her partner was reportedly a habitual LIAR – which is a glaring clue/Red Flag of psychopathy, IMO.

Of course , some people are accused of being ‘liars’ but one needs to know what the lies are and how frequent they are.

The last year and a half I’ve had a lot of Why’s and I’ve searched and searched for answers. The last big aha moment I had yesterday. Why did I “fall in love” with someone I really did not like to begin with? Why did I ignore my red flags and went in a relationship whole heartedly with someone who showed clear signs of not loving me at all?

Well, the answer is pretty simple. He showed me care. The one thing I’ve never gotten my entire life was care. I fall in love with the person who is a caregiver, the one’s who see’s me, who listens to me. The one who offers care. Why? Because I’ve never gotten care from either parents, I was bullied in school- hardly had any friends, been the people pleaser, the few “friends” I had actually never really cared etc etc etc and so has my entire life been rolling in a circle. I ran around pleasing and caring for everyone in the hope of getting care in return- just as I did as a child. Maybe just someone would love me eventually, maybe just someone would care about me and maybe a little for me. It’s no wonder who easily my spath spotted me out, how easily I could be fooled. All he had to do was to promise me care without giving me anything because he knew I would patiently wait for it.

My experiences with my spath has truly been the greatest trigger in my life. It’s hard to admit this, but just maybe he was the trigger to a greater plan, the plan where I can finally take charge of my own life and walk out of every single destructive pattern I have in my system. (I’m not giving him any credit for what he has done, to me he still is the devil just to put that straight.) Just maybe, I will have the chance to a greater life than he ever will. Just maybe, that is his life’s “punishment” and my revenge knowing he never will.

Sunflower, there’s no “just maybe, (you) will have the chance to a greater life than he ever will.” That’s a certainty, my dear, because you have a conscience, you feel empathy, and you experience remorse.

Learning my core issues hasn’t been pleasant, I must say. I never wanted to be “needy,” or “dependant.” I always wanted to be defined as “strong” and “loved.” Sadly, I looked to others for that validation instead of to myself. And, that’s it, in a nutshell. Of course, there are many terms and psychological explanations of my issues, but it’s tedious to list them for me – AND, too lengthy! 😀

But, you have the opportunity to not only survive and recover from your experiences, but to EMERGE like a butterfly from a cocoon. He certainly IS a devil, but you’re not, and you don’t have to allow your experiences with the spath to define you as a victim for the rest of your life!

GOOD FOR YOU, Sunflower. You’re taking those steps, painful though they may be. Soon enough, those steps will be more confident and less painful.

Brightest blessings

http://eight.pairlist.net/pipermail/neurons/2012/000652.html
PUSHED BY DRIVES, PULLED BY MEANING

A good article.

A little more on it.

Pulled by Meaning can seem like Deflected by Meaning. We want love [relationship] and as we head for it something goes wrong. We dust ourselves off. Tend to our wounds. Then we are at it again. Only to have it all go wrong.

The intellectual part is directing us to love. It has created the meaning: intimacy, caring, sharing, house, type of person etc. But on the subconscious level a who different game is going on. “I’m not worthy.” “I’m not lovable.” “Nothing works for me.” etc. And when the subconscious gets a hold of what we are trying to do and it is not in sync with the intellectual part we have a problem. It will in time have us doing things counter productive to what we claim we want.

In Trauma the person is running off of the subconscious part [fight or flight] and has very little access to the intellectual part. So if you wonder why you didn’t leave. Not much thinking happens on that level. Mostly it’s just reaction. Like trying to have a rational thought as one is racing to find their way out of a burning house.

The other aspect of this problem is the subconscious and the conscious don’t communicate will with each other. And when we do not know or understand what is going on in our subconscious we tend to just make up a plausible reason for why – that fits, what is going on – that is congruent to our intellectual self.

In the spath relationship the cognitive dissonance is really between the subconscious and the conscious. The subconscious is in emergency mode, dealing with what is happening. The conscious is out to lunch still running on the meaning: intimacy, caring, sharing, house, type of person etc. And there is the shut down time when the person in this type of relationship is just numb. Neither one is really working.

Emergency training are run all the time. Police, fireman, military etc. are always having some kind of train to handle emergency situations. Why. To train the subconscious mind to react correctly because in these situation we react to – not think about. And if we react wrong bad things tend to happen. Problem is not everyone is trained to handle the spath relationship.

Somewhere on this site people were discussing the type of guy they wanted compared to the spath they ended up with. In most cases they went for subconsciously what they where being pulled toward. Not what the conscious claimed it wanted. And what seemed like opposite of what they thought they wanted. Pulled by Meaning can seem like Deflected by Meaning. Where the subconscious and the conscious have different agendas.

How do we tell what is happening on a subconscious level. Sometimes all we have is the evidence of what has happened.

Milton Erickson “The reason people have problems is because they are out of rapport with their unconscious minds.”

spoon

http://garretkramer.com/now-you-know-so-let-it-start-with-you/

Now You Know—So Let it Start with You

………You don’t have to try (and try and try) to explain, fix, or excuse your feelings by examining or delving into your circumstances, including your past or future. Rather, you can look within and realize that your feelings come from your thinking. That’s why sages throughout history insisted that we “look within for the answers.”………………

spoon

Spoon, Jesus said that as a man thinketh in his heart so is he.

What we think and believe is what we ARE.

So true Oxy.

Change our thinking. Will change what we believe. And Belief drives our behavior. So what was our “ARE” becomes a new “ARE.” With new results.

spoon

Spoon I have had to change some of my thinking 180 degrees from where it was.

1. Everyone has good down in them
2. everyone deserves a second chance
3. If you are good enough to people they will respond in kind
4. There are two (valid) sides to every story
5. Family is everything
6. forgiveness means you forget and pretend it didn’t happen

And so on. None of the above statements are true, they are all FALSE but if we believe them and ACT on them they become our reality.

Now that I do not believe those statements (and others) I act differently I AM different.

Oxy

And those are tough things both mentally and emotionally to change. No# 1 they say is one of the hardest for most to deal with. To realize that there really are people that will hurt you just because they can. Is a brain frier. And No. 5# runs a close second.

5. Family is everything. I still hold this to be true. I just changed the meaning of Family. Those that have earned my trust. And Blood has to earn it too. This ties into why God made Abraham leave his Family.

Wish you hadn’t had to learn it the hard way. But glad you did cause a lot of things do clear up when we do.

“And so on. None of the above statements are true, they are all FALSE but if we believe them and ACT on them they become our reality.”

“Now that I do not believe those statements (and others) I act differently I AM different. ”

Both are very correct.

Thanks

spoon

Dear Sunflower-

Much of what you wrote – especially the questions you have been asking helps me to think and understand.

You wrote:

“Why did I ignore my red flags and went in a relationship whole heartedly with someone who showed clear signs of not loving me at all?

Well, the answer is pretty simple. He showed me care. The one thing I’ve never gotten my entire life was care. I fall in love with the person who is a caregiver, the one’s who see’s me, who listens to me. The one who offers care. Why? Because I’ve never gotten care from either parents, I was bullied in school- hardly had any friends, been the people pleaser, the few “friends” I had actually never really cared etc etc etc and so has my entire life been rolling in a circle. I ran around pleasing and caring for everyone in the hope of getting care in return- just as I did as a child. Maybe just someone would love me eventually, maybe just someone would care about me and maybe a little for me.”

I have carried abandonment memories as long as I can remember. It was so bad that even as a young boy I would do things for my parents – with the thought that, NOW they will ‘like’ me.

I met my ex-gf at a client’s house – where she worked as a ‘caregiver.’ That was her part-time job.

She was beautiful and ‘girly’ and as I soon discovered … ‘available’! I could not believe my luck!

I had been out of circulation for several years and thought I was living a miracle! She even later told me that our meeting was a “Wink from G*d,’ which played upon my emotions and hopes.
And she spotted me because my job is to care for people and their property. The Perfect Storm was brewing!

I began falling fast and hard for her. I wanted to know her heart and thoughts but really, all she had to do for me was look pretty and ‘girly’ and I would gladly chain myself to her leash. She didn’t have to really do or say anything and I would be hers. It was just before Christmas and we had only known each other for a short time and the gifts came. There were the suggestive emails and texts from her and endless hot makeout sessions. I was falling fast. I felt inspired enough to write poetry and make cards for her.

But with the passage of each day, each week she began to establish control. The criticism and elusiveness that developed worked – it had the effect of pulling me in, closer and faster. I became an obedient, penitent puppy dog. I guess I figured that it was the price that had to be paid to get and keep the ‘care’ and affection of a beautiful woman that I wanted and sought all of my life.

Within six weeks of starting the relationship – just as we were about to start sleeping together I began recording my doubts in my diary.

I began to see a manipulative nature and a mean streak. While this was going on I was hearing her stories of past abuse and personal tragedy that hooked into my heart and played upon my empathetic side.

But she was my image of the perfect girl. She had emotional carte blanche from me. She never had to come out and say “I LoveYou!” She never had to say “I’m sorry.”
And, I resolved to try to make it work – because I believed that ‘inside’ she was a good person that had simply suffered at the hands of so many bad people.

I think that there were short periods and moments when she made moves or efforts to make things work – but, the overriding forces within her were resentment, criticism, control and manipulation. Oh – and then there was the multitude of mystery aches, pains, ailments, allergies and need to be ‘alone’ and out of contact. Did I have my issues and problems? You bet! And ultimately those were all that mattered to her. And all of my attempts to do for her and find ways to change myself, satisfy her and recognize her wishes were just never good enough and ususally met with disdain and criticism and put downs. Doing good things for her – like cooking dinner became a ‘suspect’ activity – as if there was an ulterior motive attached to it.

When I would then become sad and feel withdrawn and defeated from this kind of treatment – I sensed that she liked me that way. Thus, I was being conditioned – in the same way that she described her Dad had been conditioned by her Mom, whom she claimed had Borderline Personality Disorder.

I think that in the period of almost 18 months I heard her say “I’m sorry,’ once and, “I love you,” once. In her presence that was all that I considered I was worthy of and what I had to be satisfied with. I suggested or offered to leave. We broke up and got back together so many times. Cognitive Dissonance run amok!

It took a long while to realize that I, and ANY person, deserved better. When the signs of her betrayal and the lies reached new heights I had to call her on it. I didn’t have to be tied into the ‘little boy’ in me that longed for love and recognition while being abused and strung -along.

She knew my fears, secrets and my weaknesses – and played upon them in the final weeks of our time together in an apparent attempt to maximize the pain. And yet I still pray for her and feel that somewhere inside of her there is a good person.

Dear Fixer,

Your description is a perfect example of an essay about “trying to love a personality disordered person”—-and subtitled “why it will never work.”

I hear the pain in your voice, the longing…and I can say I have “been there and done that” myself…with my son Patrick, and with my boy friend after my husband died, with my egg donor and with my P sperm donor….the relationship doesn’t have to be a romantic one it can be any relationship in which you LOVE another person and they are personality disordered and do not, are not capable of loving you back.

Ox Drover:
Yes, pain and longing. And, wanting to understand why and, if any of it was real. Also – will it happen again? Or, is it time to pack it in and stay away from relationships?
The final attacks, lies and betrayal – and the whole ‘discard’ process seems to confirm all of the fears and suspicions.

But what part of it wa real and what makes me continue to ponder this question.

Sunflower wrote something about this theme: How is it possible to fall ‘wholeheartedly’ when there are red flags? And, how are these distinguished from red flags of sociopathy?

Fixerupper, the only part that was EVER “real” was what was created within your own mind through expert manipulation and illusion. The “longing” is generated because what “they are” is unattainable – the gut “knows” that the heart is buying an illusion, and the longing is the heart demanding to make the illusion a truthful reality.

The “Red Flags” are a guideline to avoid ALL toxic relationships, not just spath. Sure, when Donna wrote her “Red Flags” book, it was specific to sociopathic predators, but bad behaviors and actions are STILL “bad” whether or not the person committing them is spath or not.

That’s where personal boundaries and managing core personal issues becomes an imperative. If I had not been involved with this site and counseling therapy, I never would have learned how my own personal issues (you defined them as “weaknesses”) and lack of boundaries BECAUSE of the core-issues allowed for any predatory human being to gain access to my strengths, qualities, values, and vulnerabilities to exploit.

It doesn’t matter whether a person is spath or not. I’m not qualified to render that assessment. But, I sure as hell AM qualified to be intolerant of machinations, drama/trauma, exploitation, and manipulations! LOL!!!

Brightest blessings

Dear Fixerupper,

no it isn’t time to stay away from relationships at all. It is NOW your life is truly beginning and the true loving relationship with your self start. Right now there’s so much pain within you, but the awakening is painful. However, the reward is so much bigger than you can imagine regardless of a relationship with another person appears. When you have found the answers within your self, because your soul is the treasure of wisdom that holds all the answers, you will work them thru your system and be done with your “issues” once and for all. Weights will lift of your shoulders and you’ll see what the world is really like. You will know what true love really is and only then you will come to see how your ex never will be capable of love. You will find strenght you never thought you had and start to see why Spath’s really fall for you. You don’t know it yet, but you hold something a spath don’t have – just that soul with treasures as I mentioned.

To answer your question – why did you ignore your red flags? Well, I can only speak from my own experiences – you had a wound that was open. You wanted to be loved and be loved like a child should be, which you never got. That road is a painful road, when you discover how your parents never was emotional available for you and how that has affected your life’s desicions, how you think about your self and how you care for your self. Do the work. Heal that wound by your self, because you can’t turn back time. It is only up to you. Your ex saw your wound and knew how to exploit it, to get what she wanted. All she wanted to see was the materialistic things you could offer her survival (keep in mind that “love” for a spath is a possession: meaning you—> spath translation: Thing). You ignored the danger to get what you needed. Your body thirsted for nurture so it could develop as it needed. It needed to know what it’s like to feel close to someone, to feel that baby’s comfort stroked down your back when you “cried”. Somehow you self manipulated your self in the hopes of closing that wound. Your heart was crying for nurture, that’s all. Your soul craved for development so you could do whatever you we’re ment to do.

Maybe this is just nonsens to you, but look at it from a childs perspective and lay down all the gender programs and attitudes. I’m only looking at this from a “spiritual” view. I know there are great losses( materialistic and identity) amongst many so I don’t mean to ignore those facts.

Sunflower, a very profound response. My own issues left me open to exploitation, and that’s all there is to it. Does that make me ultimately “responsible” for what the exspath chose to do? Of course, not! Just because one walks past an unlocked car with a wallet in clear view on the seat is NOT an open invitation or permission for that person to open the door and remove the wallet and its contents.

Brightest blessings

Oh no, off course it isn’t. Each and everyone are responsible for their own actions.

Fixerupper
You sound like a well rounded person who’s been through the “ringer” but has learned so much. If you don’t mind me asking, what “epiphany” or moment if you will, did you have and when that finally made you confront and leave your ex? How did you finally come to that determination that this woman was not and could not ever be the one you really want to live the rest of your life with?

The second part to PUSHED BY DRIVES, PULLED BY MEANING
http://eight.pairlist.net/pipermail/neurons/2012/000654.html

“It has been said many times by many of the greatest philosophers and thinkers that human greatness lies in our ability to be greater than our conditions. Viktor Frankl described this in terms of being able to cope with a horrific context of a concentration camp through his ability to choose and live his meanings. He refused to allow his conditions to determine his meanings or his responses. And he succeeded. He not only endured the trauma of having his personal world ripped asunder, but he came out of it un-traumatized and able to live a full and effective life in contributing via his creation of Logo-Therapy.”

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/07/30/after-the-sociopath-make-a-decision-to-recover/comment-page-10/#comment-175865

Merry Christmas

spoon

Spoon:

Spot on, but in different words 🙂 Great!

Let me dictate something, you wrote in another thread:

“A person who was abused as a child can have some problems later on in life. The child believed that if he could be good enough etc then they would treat him better. The child sees it as he is the problem. But the truth is it was those that were doing the abusing they where the problem the child did nothing wrong. He was doing what he was suppose to being a kid. By getting this person to see it was them then his experience of the events change. ”

We always talk about the spath’s crazymaking, but have we looked at our own? Our own crazymaking is when we our selves “create” our own world by the wounds we’ve been inflicted. Our own crazymaking comes by our own perception of “world”. This is somewhat hard to explain so let me try to give an example:

Let’s say I believe I’m ugly. That is my (“false” meaning taught) core self belief. So each time somebody say’s something about my appearances good or bad I somehow perceive it negatively. A negative remark enhances the negative core belief. A good remark and the mind tries to bend the remark into something that can fit into the core belief either by guilt, same etc because the mind is so great at generalization. In that way I run around creating and sustaining my own belief system and projecting it into something “real” or trying to make it fit my perception of my “world”. Get it?

Therefore it’s so important to look at ourselves and resolve our own issues instead of looking outside ourselves, also meaning taking responsibility for ourselves, COMPLETELY.

And let me add, a false identity, when I’ve before written about a split in identity this is what I mean. A child is not born with inferiority, it’s something created. When I have a belief about my self it’s something I also become, therefore a false sence of self/identity. I believe we all have it in one way or another, but DO NOT compare it to a spath’s sence of self even if they are as fake as they can be.

Do anyone get what I’m trying to say here?

Sunflower:

I know exactly what you are trying to say! 🙂

Sunflower
Yes. The spath is a problem but not THE PROBLEM. THE PROBLEM – what is in us – why we act like a moth to the flame. What “meanings” we hold that pull us into the flame. It wasn’t the spath. What beliefs we hold that drives us to do this? It wasn’t the spath.

The Ugly person even if they were held up in the public eye as the epitome of beauty. The end results would be that they felt like a fake and soon fear would take over that their secret would be found out and everyone would know the truth.

If you where “unlovable” in your beliefs then no matter how much someone treated you with love – you would never get it. Why? Your unlovable. And everything is run through that filter and gets twisted into some form of “I’m unlovable.” So we end up doing things that will bring a little relief for the moment. Which we later regret. And then repeat.

“So each time somebody say’s something…” YES to ALL

For me (“false” meaning taught) misses it. We are only born with a couple of innate things fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Everything else we learn. I like words like constructive – destructive and limiting – growth. Does one’s belief system lead to growth, transformation, being happy, always building etc. or boxes us in, nothing ever changes, still doing the same old and getting the same old results that we spend time blaming it on some force beyond us i.e. if they would only…. So the question isn’t about if it’s false but does the belief(s) serve us.

Most if not all our core beliefs and beliefs in general have falsehoods in them. Because of the nature of the subjectivity of beliefs. There are concrete aspects of beliefs. But as whole the subjective gives us problems. Who we believe, we are, is mostly subjective.

To me What we believe – We are. This is what drives are actions. Once the belief is in play. We are this belief. I see it not as a split in identity but it is our reality. Nice part is we can change what we believe and become more then what we were. A new reality that functions and propels us forward not something that locks us in.

Thanks

spoon

Spoon, your post above is RIGHT ON!

We are taught false beliefs by our parents and our schools and teachers:

It takes two to fight–FALSE

There are always two (valid) sides to every story. FALSE

There is good deep down in everyone. FALSE

And so on.

Because we accept these “truths” as true when they are FALSE we operate on those “truths” and when things don’t add up we try to figure out how to make them work. Well, as long as we are operating on FALSE belief systems they become our REALITY.

We CAN change our reality by changing our beliefs.

denbroncos007,

The epiphany moment is different for each of us. For me it was when I saw him start doing it to our son. I made all kinds of excuses until then for the children. He was a good father and terrible husband until our daughter was born, then he became abusive to our son and poured his adoration only on to our daughter.

I guess he could bamboozle me into thinking I deserved it but it was so obvious that my son did not deserve it. I had been stuck in cognitive dissonance for years. But his words of denial and false reasoning about his treatment of our son became instantly as clear as glass to me.

Spoon
You and Sunflower have some excellent insights that fit with my personal beliefs. If you would ever write a blog, I would definitely be one of your followers.

I agree with ALL of what you wrote but I want to ESPECIALLY agree with your statement about core beliefs having falsehoods in them. This is Important for us b/c I think it’s how SPATHS have trapped us.

I have recognized for myself (and others) that we each wear a pair of spectacles in which we view life. (The song Rose Colored Glasses is what inspired this particular epiphany for me.) The lens is made up of our core beliefs. When our spaths seem to hone in on making a PAINFUL statement that FEELS true to us, I identify that painful statement as an indicator of a core belief containing FALSEHOODS. I then process (interspection/a series of questions) that core belief, discover the falsehood contained in it, change the structure to incorporate the truth of that belief, and boofo presto, that belief/that lens is changed and gosh, isn’t it amazing to discover I don’t feel pain and hurt about that belief anymore… b/c that OLD belief no longer applies to me.

Your post is SO appropriate to a conversation I was having on here last night. How timely it is that you posted such wisdom, a perfect followup.

Katy, processing and putting right those old beliefs as they raise their nasty lil’l heads.

Meliva
You are not only “A great person” but a beautiful one too.
In your life if you have brought joy to yourself and to others then that is what matters most.
Divine Oneness will bring you home when it is your time.
Much love.

I think I am definitely an “spath magnet”. This is not something that I EVER considered before but now I am seeing the light at it were. A week before Thanksgiving I randomly chose a plumber out out the local Pennysaver to help unclog my kitchen sink. I have never had to do this in 12 years because my xspath was a handyman by trade and he did manage to take care of this kind of stuff. Not well all of the time as you will see, but he did keep the sinks open and fixed leaks when they happened. Anyway, I can remember praying to find someone who really knew how to do this work and who would not be evil or try to rip me off. The gentleman who responded was quick to call back and came over, worked at the clog and finally was able to fix it. His ad said his price was $39.00 and he said he worked for$50.00 an hour so when he finished I figured I owed him $89.00. He said “no, just $50.00 will be fine”. Well that alone made me think he was a good guy and honest. A few weeks later, I decided to redo the small sink in one of my bathrooms and having been so impressed by this plumber (who by the way had shared that his son aged 9 had been killed in a shooting incident some 6 or 7 years ago), that I decided to call him to replace the sink in my small bathroom. My xspath had put in a new ceramic top and fixtures but it looked so ugly and mickey mouse that it would certainly not help me sell if I ever put the condo on the market. Anyway, this plumber agrees to do this for $600.00. He also agrees to paint the bathroom and replace some tiles in the bathroom and the medicine cabinet so $600.00 is very reasonable. After he starts, some of the tiles in the shower fall off and I ask if he will replace them as well. He agrees but then when he starts to do that he finds that mold is running all the way up the shower wall. So now, a one week job is going into the 4th week. He is replacing the shower wall for an additonal $600. I’m ok with that but now he says he will come to work at 9 or 10 and doesn’t make it until maybe 12 or 1p. Works for maybe 2 hours and then is gone. Last week he only works for 3 days. But he agrees to let me pay him every 2 weeks so I don’t make a big fuss. I even wrote an additional check for $150.00 for additional supplies which came to about $50.00 and I let him keep the hundred. So far I’ve paid him $1100.00 and I still don’t have this tile done in the shower or the painting or the mirrors or the shower fixtures. I’ve spent another $700.00 for that stuff. Anyway, Friday before christmas wasn’t working so I paid him $300.00 and we agreed to start again today, Wednesday. Well he NEVER shows, never calls, nothing. The way I’m feeling right now I am not able to tolerate people not keeping their promises. I even started to pay him $200.00 a week before he even started the work because he wasn’t making any money. He used to do work for home warranty contracts and he is really very good once he gets going.His work is beautiful. So today I went OFF on him. I told him that if he didn’t think he was going to be able to finish my bathroom more timely then he could just forget it and that I would work on finding someone else to finish the work. I reminded him that I had been fair with him and that if he couldn’t be fair with me then we needed to come to a parting of the ways. I am just not taking it anymore from anybody. Last week he came up with some junk about how he was “psychic” for God’s sake!!! I mean that is just what I need, a psychic handyman!!”

I am somewhat of a handyman jack of all trades, when I do work like that I get paid when the job is done, I keep my reciepts for materials and get reimbursed as I buy them. I am not sure you are A spath magnet but you shouldnt do business with anyone in that manner.

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