By September 17, 2010 66 Comments Read More →

Why did this happen to me?

As I discovered my entire marriage was a scam, one of the questions that I tormented myself with was, “Why did this happen to me?”

I couldn’t understand it. I am an honest, responsible, forthright person. I honor my obligations. I am considerate of other people. So why did I end up with a lying, cheating sociopath, who took from me almost everything—my money, my career, and even, to a certain degree, my identity.

It didn’t make any sense.

I know other Lovefraud readers have asked the same question. Generally, we are a caring, helpful, empathetic group of people. This virtue, we’ve found out, turns into a vulnerability when we cross paths with a sociopath. Our caring and willingness to put ourselves out for others makes us fat, juicy targets for the predator.

Some of us have sociopathic family members. Now, as the old saying goes, we can pick our friends, but we can’t pick our relatives. So why did we end up with exploiters as blood relations? Or, just as puzzling, why did we end up with a conscience when others in the family are predators?

Struggle with the question

Now, I didn’t ask “why?” out of intellectual curiosity. When I realized the depths of my husband’s betrayal, I was outraged. I was scared. I was shaken to my core.  I was in so much emotional pain that sometimes all I could do was collapse on the floor and curl up in a ball.  For me, “why?” wasn’t a polite question. It was a vociferous demand to know the reason for my suffering.

To whom was the question addressed? To my inner self. To my higher knowing. To my guardian angels. To anyone who could come up with an answer.

It all seemed so capricious, and I was angry—with myself, with the universe, with God.

Reason for the madness

Slowly, in tiny bits and pieces, the answer to my question arrived. And for a long time, I had difficulty accepting it.

I learned that there was, indeed, a reason for what seemed to be madness. The reason that the sociopath crashed through my life was for my own personal growth. The objective was for me to switch my consciousness, my concept of myself.

I discovered that I held many mistaken beliefs about myself. For example, I believed that I couldn’t be loved simply for being, I had to earn love through accomplishment. This belief was not true, yet it was strong enough to block love from entering my life.

I believed that no one wanted me, that I was unworthy of happiness. These beliefs were also false.

Ironically, because the sociopath treacherously deceived me, and because I demanded to know why, the answers came. I was able to identify the beliefs that created so much pain in my life, and let them go.

Releasing the disappointment

So how did this work? Because of my lifelong feelings of emptiness and isolation, I carried within me a profound sense of disappointment. I was vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath, who promised me love, success, a family—everything that would take my disappointment away. I fell for it.

But of course, his words were more than nothings, they were lies, and the life he promised was a mirage. So instead of dissipating, my disappointment grew. It gathered strength and expanded until it overwhelmed me, and my consciousness could no longer contain it. The disappointment overflowed in the form of tears and emotional pain, draining from my being.

With that, I was free of it. The space within me that had once been filled with disappointment was now available to accept love.


If you’re passing through the firestorm, know that there is a reason for the experience. The point is to somehow help you grow, to free yourself of limiting beliefs.

So as the insanity and turmoil mount, deal with it the best you can, and keep going.

There is a reason for it all, and the possibility of a profound transformation, on the other side of the experience.

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66 Comments on "Why did this happen to me?"

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Sky, Oxy

Yeah, i am going to rent the movie Mrs Harris and see if I can find the TV movie I mentioned, from 1981. She said he was sleeping with everything under the sun. Typical spath. I want to learn about her too as her story doesn’t sing.

They’re everywhere. Who knew.


denbroncos007 wrote:
Sounds almost similar to my situation. I’m sorry you had to deal with a “yucky” Christmas- I felt the same because last Xmas I had decorated a tree with my xspath, exchanged gifts, but when it came down to it, the Xmas with him sucked because it was all an illusion. Nonetheless, I still feel sad thinking back”
Thanks for responding- just keep busy and telling yourself you deserve so much better and DO deserve to be truly loved”

Thank You very much. And, the same Best Wishes to you now and in the New Year.

I have to add that there were signs easrly in our relationship that I was dealing with someone with a double set of standards and that could lie and then cover it up. Basically, in a word, she was untrustworthy. She was preoccupied with the idea that EVERYONE had to believe that she was as pure and innocent as the newly driven snow. But one of my problems – was that at the same time, I had the feelings that I would love her and care about her no matter WHAT she was or no matter what her past.

I had a strong sense of a very checkered or colorful or difficult past almost from the beginning – and I was right!

She would beat on me and accuse me of using her to ‘shack up’ if we spent part of the weekend together. But, that is what I found she did in her past relationships. She had a boyfriend that had his way with her for seven years and then let her go – and much of their time was spent holed-up in a cottage down by the shore near to where I live.

I can give many, many examples of things she accused me of or derided – that she had previously participated in or experienced herself!

Wow! I just looked at the Melanie Evans pages! Good stuff!

I knew that I did a poor job with my ex in both setting and recognizing ‘boundaries.’

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