By | August 11, 2014 21 Comments

Why psychopaths do what they do

Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Terminator."

Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Terminator.”

Perhaps the biggest question asked by people who have been targeted by psychopaths is, “Why?”

1. Why did he work so hard to win me, proclaiming his love and promising a beautiful future together, and then suddenly dump me?

2. Why does she intentionally scare, upset, demean and embarrass her own children?

3. Why does he lie about stupid things, even when he’d be better off telling the truth?

4. Why doesn’t she care that she’s hurting me?

I’m sure you have your own list of “why?” questions.

We try to make sense of the psychopath’s unfathomable behavior. We look for explanations that we can understand: Perhaps he was abused or felt abandoned as a child. Perhaps she has low self-esteem. Perhaps he’s under a lot of stress at work.

There must be a reason, we tell ourselves, because normal people just don’t act that way.

Here’s what you need to understand: Psychopaths are NOT NORMAL.

Please don’t respond with, “Well, duh ”¦”

The degree to which these people are NOT NORMAL is truly astounding, and difficult to absorb. But it’s key to understanding the “why.”


First, some explanation of terminology. Generally, when I write articles on Lovefraud, I refer to the disordered people we discuss here as “sociopaths.” I use that word as an umbrella term encompassing all people with personality disorders who live their lives by exploiting people. It covers several clinical diagnoses psychopath, antisocial personality disorder, narcissist and borderline personality disorder.

For more explanation, read Psychopath/Sociopath.

Usually I don’t bother differentiating among the various disorders. The conditions overlap, and they’re all bad news for people who get snagged by these exploiters. From the victim’s point of view, arguing over the terminology is like splitting hairs.

But sometimes the differences are important, and this article is one of those times.

Psychopaths cannot love

Psychopaths are NOT NORMAL because they are missing the traits that are essential to our humanity. According to Dr. Liane Leedom, psychopaths have no ability to love. They cannot truly care for another person, put anyone’s interests ahead of their own.

Think about what that means. Think of all the things you’ve done out of love for another person your parents, your spouse, your children, your friends, your military buddies.

Now think about what it must be like to be someone for whom the motivation of love simply does not exist.

Psychopaths are like the “Terminator” characters from the movies. I’m referring to  the bad guys Arnold Schwarzenegger in the first Terminator movie, the shape-shifter in the second movie. They can think, analyze, learn and evaluate. They can mimic human emotion. But they cannot love, and they have no conscience.

Their emptiness is frightening. Just like the emptiness of a psychopath.

Psychopathic motivation

So what motivates a psychopath? Why do they do what they do?

Dr. Lianne Leedom says psychopaths are motivated by three things:

  • Power
  • Control
  • Sex

That’s it.

So let’s look again at the questions from the beginning of this article, questions that you may have asked yourself:

1. Why did he work so hard to win me, proclaiming his love and promising a beautiful future together, and then suddenly dump me?

Despite what he said, it was never about love. He liked the power of seducing you, and the sex.

2. Why does she intentionally scare, upset, demean and embarrass her own children?

She feels no love for them. She only wants to control them.

3. Why does he lie about stupid things, even when he’d be better off telling the truth?

Lies change what you believe, which is a form of power. Some experts call it “duping delight.” Psychopaths like it.

4. Why doesn’t she care that she’s hurting me?

She has no ability to care about your emotional pain. But she does like the power of making you feel emotional pain.

Yes, it’s really that bad. Psychopaths feel no love. They are driven only by their desires for

  • Power
  • Control
  • Sex



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My daughter has been a victim of a sociopath/narcissist for many years.
They met when she was 19. Their dating history was fairy uneventful. I would say that one thing that now strikes me as odd was that from the beginning, the sociopath/boyfriend (I’ll refer to him as SB) spent virtually every day at our house, even eating dinner with us each night. I guess I was duped into believing that he was crazy about my daughter. But in hindsight, I see this as a red flag (#1).

After dating for about 4 years, SB decided to join the police force (Another red flag—#2.) He and my daughter were not getting along, and had semi-“broken-up”.

Unfortunately, at that point, she became pregnant. She had a daughter. SB seemed to be out of the picture. He was no longer coming around. I found out later that he had had pulled a gun on someone when he was off-duty and was no longer in the police force. (Red flag #3)

My daughter was doing well at work, had a supervisory position, and was ready to move on in her life. About that time, unknown to our family, SB was worming his way back into her life. By utilizing his “right” to see his daughter, he was charming his way back.
One day she came home and told us that he had asked her to marry him, and that she had said yes. It seems he had been “born again” as a Christian, and she thought they had a future together.

They married, and moved into a new upscale neighborhood. He would often say things to her like, “What do you think the neighbors think of us when they see us living in such a nice house at our ages?” (They were still in their 20’s) Red Flag # 4.

After they married, things went south. First, something happened at their church that ticked him off, and he decide that church was not for him. Secondly, he began a series of affairs. Third, he increasingly took control of their finances. Red Flag #5—Power, control, sex.

In a misguided attempt to save their marriage, they had another child. Things went from bad to worse. Life in the household revolved around him—his money, his possessions. It was all about HIS projects, HIS work-outs. When it came to necessities like clothing and food—my daughter’s budget was extremely strict. The infidelities increased, as did abusive behavior. Still my daughter stuck it out.
Finally, he no longer even bothered to hide the adultery. His behavior got increasingly bizarre.

My daughter quit her job to change careers. She felt like she had to be at home more for her children. As far as SB went, this seemed to be the straw that “broke the camel’s back,” and unknown to any of us, he had decided to take his own action.

As SB and my daughter were watching a movie one evening, police came to to the door to serve my daughter with an injunction, entirely false. In our state, anyone can take out this kind of order. So with no provocation or proof whatsoever—my daughter had to leave her children and seek shelter with us.

Over the next year and a half, she would fight her husband in court. Though the false injunction was dropped, there were no negative consequences for him. (False injunctions are a 3rd degree felony—but judges seems to pay little attention to this law.)

At a cost of over $30,000—my daughter fought for custody of her daughters during their divorce proceedings. During most of that time, he kept all of her belongings, except her clothing, which he sent bit by bit in trash bags. She often said that if it wasn’t for the daughters, she would have just told him to keep everything and walked away. As she awaited the divorce trial, SB continued to harass her by doing things such as keeping her daughters from her for 2 months, and another time, having her car towed.

There were small victories, such as the judge forcing him to give my daughter money for the car he took. But other more important evidence, such as a detailed log of neglect the children suffered were ignored by the judge. Even the time away from the children was not awarded back to her.

Finally, a victory, as during the trial, she was awarded majority custody. As she awaits the final rulings of the divorce, my daughter looks at the shambles of her life, and realizes that she will not only be forced to start over, but she will have to start with a huge debt.

SB gets to stay in the house (which he kept in his name alone) and has successfully hidden his assets. He is starting a new family with his last adulteress, who unfortunately for the children, also seems
to be a sociopath.

He continues to exert his control of my daughter through the children. My daughter see the writing on the wall, and realizes that she will most likely wind up back in court one day. We pray that nothing happens to the precious children while they are under the care and influence of a pair of sociopaths.

We wonder how long it will be before he cheats on his current love interest. we believe the fact that his girlfriend is pregnant may drive him to seek other women fairly soon.

My daughter continues to try to do everything she can for the children, such as getting counseling for the older child who has been psychologically devastated. The toll that a sociopath parent’s lies have upon a child is terrible. There is no winner as the child is torn in two trying to justify their parent’s manipulation.

It has affected our entire family—both emotionally and financially.
Thank you, Donna, for telling the world about sociopaths.
I hope your words prevent some other people from falling under the spell of a sociopath/narcissist.


4mydaughter, the first thing I thought when reading your post was the fact that you, the mother of a victim has taken time out of your life to full educate yourself on what your daughter endured and is still enduring at the hands of her abuser. Very few family members really understand the hell that victims go through so I would like to thank you for educating yourself. Educating yourself is a greatest gift that you can ever do for your daughter, for her to know that she has someone strong lifting her up is so powerful….it truly is amazing, your daughter is a blessed person to have you in her life.

My second thought was the fact that you saw the Red Flags from day one…most vicitm’s do too but the abuser is so masterful with their word manipulation & pity play that they spin their victims minds around each time they see a red flag, throw in the fact none of us are educated on personality disorders and you can see why society keeps allowing these evil people in our lives. The lesson we all have learned is listen to your gut alarm the min it goes off and throw out society social normals of being “nice to everyone” instead think only of protect yourself and your loved ones. Two books I would recommend Freedom of Mind by Steven Hassan and The gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker. Also google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube” to watch Oprah’s interview with Gavin Debecker about following your gut always.

To help your daughter in court check out the site, facebook page One moms battle (this is a good place to post questions for other victim’s about court related issues) and Tina Swiften’s (OMB site creator’s) two books on divorcing a narcissist/dealing with child custody issues. You are correct her ex will be taking her back to court again…narcs/sociopaths love to control their victims long after the relationship is over that the best way for them to do this is to take them to court over and over.

Wishing you and your daughter all the best.


4mydaughter -Thank you for supporting your daughter through all the horror she has been through. If I did’nt have the support of my dear mother, I hate to imagine my fate in the aftermath of my destructive relationships. She was not always on my side at first, after having been charmed by the spaths herself. (I have had the bad fortune of being involved romanticly with 3 spaths in my life) My mother at first thought it can’t be the men who are wrong every time but it turned out that I just pick the wrong man EVERY TIME. SPATH #1 LT – A charming tall handsome gambler who took the term “womanizer” to a whole different level. This man conned, cheated and stole everything from me for 10 yrs until I met a newer improved version who actually had a job SPATH #2 JW another tall charming and very handsome man who beat me, isolated me, berated and belittled me with so much emotional abuse I attempted suicide more than once. I was successful in ripping off the noose around my neck placed by JW only because I found a stronger younger version that physically intimidated him and “saved” me after 10 yrs of enduring abuse, fear and self-loathing. SPATH #3 SP another tall incredibly handsome man much younger than myself, swept me off my feet in a way that is read about in romance novels. SP initially had a good job and seemed to be making good money. He made good money but had so much child support to pay from 3 children from 3 previous relationships, not much was left over. Shortly after moving in with me, SP got fired from his good job because of his true life ambition — GETTING HIGH ON DRUGS. I did my best to try & help SP to get clean so he could be the great person that he was when he was sober, but the drugs ultimately won. After I would not and could not support him in his drug binging, law breaking, womanizing ways I was somehow able to push this last one out. It was only with the love and support of my dear mother that I was able to get away from SP. My mother actually will tell you that she dearly loves this last one to this day because of his devilish charm but that did not stop her from telling that son-of-a-bitch she would kill him if he did not leave her daughter alone! I have been through 30 years of my life with this same type of man, even when I thought I was getting something much different I ended up with the same heartbreak. All of these men went about it differently, but ended up with the same result of controlling me, exerting power over me and destroying my life. I have come to the conclusion I am better off alone because either the percentage of spaths is much greater in the area I live or I just have a big “kick me” sign written on my forehead in special ink that ONLY THEY CAN SEE. Either way, I am so afraid, so broken, so devistated in every way possible THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I WILL EVEN TRY TO LOVE AGAIN. So I am alone, lonely and haunted by a past that leaves me crippled by painful memories that I cannot overcome. My biggest fear is that I will let one of them come back (THEY ALL WANT TO COME BACK AND STILL TRY EVEN THOUGH I DO MY BEST TO HAVE NO CONTACT WITH THEM) or find a new one like Im so good at! The end result is me being a social recluse so afraid of being hurt again I would rather live in the agony of loneliness than to fall for it again. Its so sad to see the way these people ruin lives again and again, and the worst thing is they do it with impunity, no repercussions and no remorse. It has only been through this site that I have at least gotten relief from my tormented conscience that it all was not my fault, but that of sick spaths taking advantage of a soft hearted, nice person. That is the only thing they werent able to take from me though, I am still a nice person.



Your daughter’s story brought tears to my eyes. God bless you for being there for your daughter and grandchildren. I’m sure that it means the world to your daughter (as well as her children). What all of you have experienced is the result of tangling with a wicked, heartless sociopath. Peace to you all.


While I agree that psychopaths are motivated by power and control, in my opinion, I would amend the third motivation from sex to pleasure.

My x liked orgasms, but not sex.

He also was motivated by other forms of pleasure, he was driven to “WIN”. He defined the WIN, and it was never what a normal person would define as a WIN. But when he got his “WIN”, his face would reflect ectasy, absolute exhilaration.

I remember when he discovered the pleasure of murdering animals. It started when the animal failed to behave as he tried to force it to do (was in it’s nature to do what he demanded), so he “punished” it with a horrific killing, he said the animal was taught “a lesson not to make him mad”… a Chilling but accurate insight into the thinking of my ex. And once he experienced that particular exhilarating thrill, he manipulated animals over and over, to recreate his intense pleasure of “WINNING” …ending in the way he slaughtered them.

Just an example of how pleasure was his motivation. There are other examples. Sex is not a large enough description of his third motivation.

It’s my opinon that Power is their primary motivation, power is achieved by their (mis)use of control and domination, with intense pleasure as the outcome (“WINNING!”).


oops. meant to type, “was NOT in it’s (the animal’s) nature to do what he demanded”


I also should say, my x has a mantra “submit or be destroyed”.

I think that’s a definition of life with a sociopath.


Have you checked to see if there are any missing women or unsolved sadistic murders in your area? Your ex sounds spot-on like a classic definition of serial killer. I suspect my ex was involved in my beloved doggies disappearance. I endured years of physical and emotional torture, but if I ever saw him torturing an innocent animal, I probly would have shot him at once.


“Submit or be destroyed” hit the nail on the head!


I agree completely. Maybe some of them like to manipulate our emotions using sex but others use it to demean us and have an orgasm and that is it. And winning is a huge thing with them whether it is winning at a game, winning your heart or winning at total defeat and/or death of the target.


Psychopaths apparently get 3 times the dopamine hit as normal people when they win. Dopamine is the neurotransmitter in the brain that provides pleasure from drug use and is part of orgasm in sex. So, I’d say your observation is pretty accurate.


The fourth question, Why doesn’t he care he is hurting me? My own 16 year old son does this often, by stealing my money out of my checking account. He takes my debit card and buys whatever it is he wants no matter the cost. We aren’t wealthy. Just two days ago, he bought an iPhone on ebay, just because he wants one. He gets satisfaction when he knows he has hurt me. After he does this he acts very arrogant. That same day (I did not know until the next day),when he was walking past out pool. I called out and reminded him that after he is done swimming to lock the gate so the kids (our grandchildren) would not go in to the pool area. He said, well maybe one of them will drown. He knows this bothers me. The three words you used, power, control, and sex, describes my son. We adopted him when he was three. He was first our foster child. He came to our house when he was two. I don’t think he ever attached to his mom, or anyone.


It’s significant that you say your son never attached to his mom. I myself believe that a babies emotional development and personality are formed from birth up to around 7 years old is when the emotional bonds needed to thrive are vital to a child’s early development. I know my ex spath was left with his father as a baby by his mother who left the family home to live with another man she was having an affair with. She later turned up at the door to collect him when he was 3 years old and he told me remembers that moment as clear as day when his dad carried him to the door and handed him over to his mother. He was then brought up by his ex military step dad and birth mother who lived in the living quarters of a busy pub and was left alone upstairs while his step dad and mother served customers downstairs in the bar. He told me how his stepdad would bully him with physical violence and hold his head between his knees suffocating him and causing fear and panic and his mother would not even notice how rough he was with her son and would just say leave him alone but never protected him from his ruthless stepdad. He was often told to stand to attention like they do in the army and told to keep his hands by his sides and out of his pockets. Even when his stepdad was 75 years old my ex spath was still frightened of him just as much as he was when he was a child. Sadly from the age of 18 my ex spent the majority of his life in and out of prison for violent assaults on women which included attempting to suffocate and strangle them. Which he did to me. He still does this and is currently serving another sentence for same on another woman. I just dread the day I hear he has killed someone. It’s only a matter of time and the authority’s know this but do nothing to protect the public or his own children.


I believe along the line with TJJ79 that those children who were denied emotional bonding early on may later become sociopathic themselves. One of my greatest fears of my children remaining with my ex spath was that they may turn out like her. I have seen a movie a while back called “We Need to Talk About Kevin.” Absolutely terrified me. I believe that if a child exhibits these behaviors they need counseling immediately. There’s no guarantee that that would even help at that point but there’s always hope. My heart goes out to Cheripik and the other readers here. Protect yourselves at all costs if you can.


Wow I nearly fell of my seat when you wrote the name kevin! This was the name of my ex wow just wow!


Hey, everybody. I’ve been gone for a while. But I’ve had, let’s just say, an illuminating moment in the past week. I call myself “sistersister” because the spath in my life — or borderline personality disorder, or extreme narcissist — is my younger sister. I’ve done some interesting work lately on “opening my heart,” and I’ve even considered reconnecting with Sister, because hey, I’m invincible, right? Nobody is going to control me without my consent. Or so I thought. Then I got this message from a recent friend I’ve made:

“I do not deny you this right [the right I asserted to walk away from any conversation I find uncomfortable]. As I said you have my understanding why you thought you had to do that. I was just hoping you’d be a friend and give me the benefit of the doubt. I guess not. I’m sorry you feel the need to be defensive and dismissive. I thought we could be friends but I don’t think we can if you take this attitude. I’m not one of your adversaries who wishes to drag you down. I’m sorry you feel the need to project that onto me.”

Quite creepy in its emotional blackmail and tangled web of reasoning. He indeed did “drag me down” with the conversation he’s referring to, and I attempted to walk away, and only stayed when he begged me to (and turned it around because I was serious about ending it). And I’m feeling nothing for this person. Zero. Good or me, because possibly he’s feeling nothing for me. It’s all fake, and very manipulative. I see it very clearly.

After this and a grumpy co-worker’s tendency to make really hurtful, blaming remarks to feel power, I am asking, Why? Why me? I have the awareness. I know what to do. I’m still NO CONTACT on my sister, even with my misgivings about it.

So I’m guessing it’s those misgivings. I still haven’t “owned” my right to retire from the Sister scene. I still feel guilt over it. Imagine feeling so much guilt over a person who has, among other things, made up an entire past of MY supposed abuse of HER, berated me for my accomplishments as somehow reflecting on her, and caused public scenes in my presence while blaming them on me. All this from a person in her 40s.

It’s that lingering doubt that keeps me stuck as “road kill” for other people. I finally heard it. I heard the abuse I routinely take. No more. I’m done. As another friend recently told me, “If the message isn’t loving, it wasn’t meant for you.” And I’ve declared myself a PRINCESS, as funny as that seems. I’m worth my weight in gold, and a princess takes ZERO crap from people.

You’re right: There’s just nothing there where a heart should be, in this person pretending to be a sister. Nothing in these other people, either. Just completely bombed-out shells. And I’m done with tolerating even the smallest hassle from such “things” walking around on human legs.

I’d like to think I’m about forgiveness, but really? Who gives a flip about forgiveness, forgiveness of whom? There’s no person there to forgive. Just a nothing. It all started with Sister.

I have better things to do. . . . Feeling lighter . . . Love, SisterSister


Hi Sistersister,
Welcome back (I’ve been away for a long time too!).

I too have been doing a lot of thinking in the time I’ve been away, and your post is similar to some of the things I’ve been thinking about.

I like your friends advice, except that I’d add to it: “Even if the message was intended for you, it doesn’t mean you have to accept it. You can just say “Return to sender” without opening it.” My mthr’s messages were always intended specifically for me; suspect the same is true for your sister.

As for your co-workers, and other people who drain &/or abuse you, your description helped me to come to a more fuller understanding of ‘grey rock’ (or ‘gray rock’ depending on where you live!). When Skylar (Hi Skylar if you’re still on here these days!) first described grey rock, I understood it as an active technique you would use to hide yourself in plain sight of a psychopath, in order to make yourself ‘distasteful’ as roadkill for the path – so they’d lose interest and move on. But I just realized that that’s also related to my reaction (well, my reaction now that I’ve done a fair bit of healing) to any kind of ‘drama’: I get really tired and just don’t want to engage. (That’s how I felt when I read your co-workers e-mail.) All of this brings to mind a blogpost by Faith Allen (BloomingLotus – not for the faint of heart) about “feeding the right wolf”. She said that the things you pay attention to – meaning give your energy to – actually feeds whatever you’re engaging with. If someone is acting badly – regardless of whether it’s intentional or unintentional – paying attention to, and more importantly responding to, the drama feeds it and gives it legitimacy. Nowadays when I detect this, rather than defending my boundaries by responding to it, I just go quiet and try not to feed it any oxygen. It’s taken me a long time to understand that it’s perfectly OK to just go quiet. The other thing I’ve discovered from that is that if the person is just ill-mannered through lack of education, this teaches them how to treat me and they will change their behaviour for the better. But if the person is a predator their behaviour will escalate (usually in other areas/ways, so I watch out for this). It functions as a ‘predator test’ for me now.

As for forgiveness, I’ve changed my view of that too. Took me a long time to realize that I was trained to always be the giver and caretaker in any relationship, except that I was trained by a psychopath which meant that I was never taught to think about boundaries (either mine or theirs). It should always be a reciprocal relationship that honours and feeds (strengthens) both parties. How my mother ‘did’ caretaking was about making someone more of an invalid, rather than helping them heal, by taking over things they should be doing for themselves (and letting the things they properly needed help for fester).

How does that relate to forgiveness? For me, I’ve now come to favour the view of forgiveness as part of the cycle of redemption: meaning that it’s a reciprocal relationship between two parties whereby the harmer and the harmed come to terms with what’s happened: the harmer feels guilt and remorse, repents what they’ve done wrong, asks for forgiveness from the person harmed, and makes amends. The harmed person’s role, as I’ve come to see it now, is to keep their heart open so that if the abuser feels remorse and wishes to mend the relationship, they are met with a willingness from the party they’ve harmed. I now see any forgiveness outside of that as being just another form of caretaking that isn’t good for either party, as it reinforces unhealthy behaviour on both sides, and cheapens any act of remorse/redemption on the part of the abuser.

From what I can see, you’ve done your part by opening up your heart to the ‘possibility’ of your sister’s redemption, and taking care of what’s properly inside your boundaries. After that it’s up to her. Anything more, imo, gets very close to caretaking.

I remember you from when you were on here a few years ago, and remember that your sister has a lot of similarities to my mthr. As for the public sliming of you (slandering and falsely discrediting) my mthr does that too, and I’m still working on how to properly address that – even though I’m 20 years NC. But I’ve finally realized that my reactions to it by engaging with it have given it (and her) a legitimacy it should never have had.

I know this view of ‘forgiveness’ may offend some people, so I’ll just say that this is my own view that I’ve found helpful, not intended to preach to others who view it differently.


What a wonderful post, Annie, that you wrote to sistersister. I have found comfort in your words.

I am on the same page as you with the forgiveness thing. While wellmeaning is possible, most people who have not lived my experience or even took the time to understand the events that caused my heartache, those same people have condemned me for “not forgiving” as if I am evil because I am honest in saying I do not forgive. I have prayed and asked God to take my burden for the heartache that I carry, I gave over the act of “forgiveness” of the traumas of the sociopaths in my life to God. In my world, it’s GOD who gives me grace, not some demanding, controlling person. I have processed what was done to me, therefore I don’t live in the emotions of my abuse. By asking God to take on the burden of forgiving, I released my pain and let it go to God, but I do retain what I learned about sociopaths, and I continue to reflect and learn and protect myself from those types of personalities.

And I realized a very important thing, that the people who get angry at me for not doing what they demand, those people aren’t loving or caring me, they aren’t interesting in understanding my journey, they are controlling and ridiculing me. By their belittling, dismissive, contemptuous behavior, they are acting as minions for my sociopathic abusers.

I really appreciate your “predator test”. I have stumbled on the same, and you are SO correct. People who are good intentioned will realize their words, and reflect and respond, whereas predators just get angrier and louder and demand submission to their control… or they translate my quietness as submission and claim victory. Claiming victory is proof that for them, it was not about loving me, but about dominating and controlling, aka “WINNING”.

And yes, I know. People don’t have to be sociopathic to be the kind of person who NEED to be “right”, but again, the act of demanding that I agree they are “right” is proof that they aren’t loving me, their demand is really about THEM.


Wow. Well said, on so many levels. I just want to acknowledge that.


Your “forgiveness” is refreshing. I’m so TIRED of people telling my I should forgive and that will fix it inside me! Of course I forgive. It’s a reflex in me, so I don’t need the lectures. I need some movement on the other side. I publicly shamed my sister on Facebook yesterday, just so you’ll know. How’s that for forgiveness and opening my heart? I forgave myself and opened my heart to ME.

So for those Facebook mutual friends who said (or thought without saying) that I went too far, needed to “let it go,” shouldn’t punish anyone (my inner voice, actually, about the punishment thing — I just don’t punish people) — It’s high time I didn’t CARE about the collateral damage, the fallout, from my sincere expressions. I no longer edit myself. That was the point. Not punishment or revenge.

The quoted e-mail was a FB message from a new friend — one who professed to care about me and actually healed me of a few things. And so of course I owe him something-or-other. But I don’t.

Annie, you are right about what we dwell on, because it was that friend’s hissy fit that brought on the crap from the co-worker, and finally my blowup about my sister. And what brought on that “friend” anyway? My history as a sister of this monster. Oh, I can “heal” that, he said. B.S. I said no to all of it. Saying no means it stays in your focus. Ah well. It stayed as long as it had to, for me to get my moment of clarity about who I really am. A princess. Well deserving of love and support from everyone, no exceptions.

Just this weekend I’ve received an initial funding OK for one of my projects, reached an important guest for my Podcast, attended a great business startup event with of all people young hip-hop enthusiasts (it’s all about dignity!), blown off an ex-boyfriend’s stupid phone message, received lots of supportive gestures and had to choose between two dinner dates just for tonight. I guess people love “bitches,” don’t they? No — only the kind who love themselves and love others, just strong women. People respond to that. Notice HOW they respond, and separate the sheep from the goats.

As for the “gray rocking” thing, I think that’s exactly what got me into the mess at work. I need to respond. Honestly. Without drama or other things to hook into. Maybe just that “What??!” from the “Controlling People” book. It’s just not acceptable to talk to me that way. If that’s the condition of keeping my job, take it, shove it, find a sweet little dead person to do it.

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