lf2

Why the sociopath is crying and other answers to reader questions

crying manLovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call “Judith.” She asked questions that many readers may wonder about, so I’ll answer them in this post.

Sociopaths do not feel emotions, empathy or cry – Yes, he did play the ‘cry game’ when I would tell him the relationship was ‘over’ (which I did a few times) or want to walk out of his door.

Q1. He used to cry incessantly for his parents/grandparents who love him a lot, and feeling homesick (staying alone). Or cry that I was not with him in the same place and how much he misses me (online chat). He would mostly be drinking when he cries like a river. He longed for having a wife in his life?? He proposed to almost every woman in his life (my research about him). He had 6-7 relationships in his past including me.

Q2. He cried at sad movies (about families especially on mothers)?

Q3.Sociopaths enjoy high sexual activity – He was sexually inactive, and it would ALWAYS depend on his mood. I used to think perhaps he was scared as he said he didn’t want me to get pregs (even though we always used protection). And mostly he would never keep condoms at home, which I thought was a good indication that he was not fooling around. He did watch porn at times which he used to tell me (made me feel bad at times) but I appreciated he was honest. He said sex is not in top 5 in a relationship for him — as porn sometimes is enough for him (single for a long time). I was left frustrated about this at times as he would tell me that I am young so I have a better appetite for this and not him??

Q4. Sometimes he displayed care for me\others – like cook in the middle of the night for them (he liked cooking). But I reckon it was during the first 6-7 months of our relationship. Perhaps it was his passion about cooking, as he used to cook for both of us till the last week of our relationship?

Range of behaviors

First of all, it is important to remember that sociopaths are not all the same. Sociopathy is a syndrome, which means that it is a collection of traits and behaviors. In order for people to be considered sociopaths, they have to show most of the traits to a strong degree.

This leaves plenty of room for variety. So sociopathy is also a continuum some sociopaths definitely have more of the traits than others. I like to say that they range from sleazy to serial killer.

In answering Judith’s questions, I’ll be talking in generalities. Everything may not apply in every single case, but usually the overall outline applies.

Sociopaths and emotions

Judith began by asking about sociopaths, emotions and empathy.  Remember, sociopaths are not robots. They have some emotions, but their range of emotions is very narrow, and the emotions that they do show are not deep. Clinically, they are described as having “shallow affect.”

Sociopaths are certainly capable of anger, hatred and jealousy many of us have seen scary displays of those emotions. But you may have also seen the mind-bending phenomenon of a sociopath flying into a rage, and then a few minutes later appearing totally calm, as if he or she hadn’t just yelled, screamed and threatened. That is evidence of the shallowness of sociopathic emotions, which enables them to turn emotions on and off like a light switch.

Sociopaths are also capable of being excited or happy, especially when they get something that they want. But they are not capable of emotions that require truly caring about the good and welfare of another person, such as sympathy and love.

Sociopaths know, however, that they have to appear to have emotions to fit into society, and to manipulate others to do what they want. So they are exceptionally good at pretending to care and pretending to love. Sociopaths are fabulous actors many readers have told me that the sociopath they were with could have won Academy Awards.

Sociopaths and empathy

When it comes to the idea of empathy, whether or not sociopaths experience it depends on precisely how the word is defined. Here is what Dictionary.com says about “empathy:”

“the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.”

According to this definition, there are two ways by which one person can empathize with the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another:

  1. “intellectual identification with”
  2. “vicarious experiencing of”

Most of us on Lovefraud probably assume that empathy means vicarious experiencing of another’s feelings. Sociopaths certainly do not experience empathy in that way. When another person, especially their target, is upset, it doesn’t bother sociopaths in the least.

But some experts have argued that sociopaths are capable of intellectually experiencing empathy, and this has the perverse effect of enabling them to enjoy inflicting pain on others. That is why they can be so sadistic. Dr. Liane Leedom wrote about this in a prior Lovefraud article:

Sadism and warped empathy in sociopaths

This argument is interesting, but I think the common interpretation of empathy, meaning to feel another person’s emotions, is more widely understood. Therefore, it’s fair to say that sociopaths do not feel empathy as most people interpret the word.

Sociopaths and crying

So, after all this background information, when Judith asks about sociopaths and crying, the answer is simple: They are faking!

Many people have told me their sociopathic partners could turn the tears on whenever they wanted. Judith said the sociopath cried when she was leaving a typical control tactic. My ex-husband started crying when he was “afraid he was losing me,” even though at that time he was cheating with multiple women.

When a sociopath cries, it is all about manipulation. As far as crying at sad movies as Judith mentioned well, that particular sociopath has probably learned it is socially appropriate behavior. He wanted to appear to be caring, emotional and human in order to manipulate her.

Sociopaths and sex

Generally, sociopaths want three things in life: power, control and sex. Although they never lose the desire for power and control, sometimes they dispense with the sex. This may be especially true as sociopaths age. In many people, the physical capacity for sex decreases with age, and this does at time happen to sociopaths.

Sociopaths pursue sex for two reasons. The first, obviously, is to satisfy their physical desires. The second is to use sex as a tool to achieve other objectives. Sociopaths seem to know that if they can hook someone sexually, it helps them manipulate the target into providing whatever else they want.

Some sociopaths seduce a target sexually, and then intentionally withhold sex. Why would they do this? To increase power and control.

This is apparent in Judith’s email. She wrote:

He did watch porn at times which he used to tell me (made me feel bad at times) but I appreciated he was honest. He said sex is not in top 5 in a relationship for him — as porn sometimes is enough for him (single for a long time).

Why would the guy tell Judith he was watching porn? To make her feel bad, which would give him more ammunition in manipulating her. And about preferring porn to real, live sex? Well, then he only has to be concerned with pleasing himself, and not a partner. That, of course, is a totally sociopathic attitude.

For more on the topic, read:

The truth about sex and sociopaths

A pornography addiction, by the way, is very damaging for the addict and real-life partner. A Lovefraud reader wrote eloquently about his in the following article:

Letter to Lovefraud: Pornography Effect 101

Caring and cooking

Sociopaths are quite capable of having interests, and perhaps Judith’s sociopath likes to cook. Still, why would he cook in the middle of the night? My guess is that it wasn’t romantic. He just got the urge to cook something and then did what he wanted to do, regardless of whether Judith wanted to eat—or preferred to sleep.

This leads me to mention another aspect of sociopathic acting. Frequently, sociopaths act as if they care, when in reality their caring behavior is only manipulation.

For example, some sociopaths start driving their targets around. This may seem chivalrous, but the sociopaths may actually by implying that their targets are bad drivers, which may lead to a sense of learned helplessness. The targets may feel that they no longer have the ability to do things for themselves, even if they were perfectly capable of the activities before.

Once you realize, or suspect, that someone is a sociopath, always look for the hidden agenda. When a sociopath engages in caring behavior, there is another objective. Nothing is done from the goodness of a sociopath’s heart, because there is no goodness in his or her heart.

Lovefraud originally posted this article on May 27, 2013.

 

Posted in: Donna Andersen

Comment on this article

4 Comments on "Why the sociopath is crying and other answers to reader questions"

Notify of

It’s obvious Judith is totally manipulated & completely fooled. Or she is in denial, which scares me. What we don’t repair. We repeat.

I remember, on several occasions, how he could turn on
the copious tears (when i would ‘light’ into him about something), blubber like a baby, make promises to NEVER do that, say that again, and down the road, of course, he’d do or say it again. Or fly into an awesome, tempestous RAGE (which terrified me to see this)..and abruptly turn it off..be cool, calm, like nothing, nothing at all.I couldnt understand this, until I have understood the mindset of a psychopath..they just turn on and off an emotion, like you would a light switch. Or to be ‘nice’, caring, understanding..and then behind someone’s back, cut them to ribbons with ugly comments; and have NOTHING to do with them. It took me YEARS to understand this. All fake, all lies.

“MY” sociopath cried alright…BUT there were never any tears. Lots of times him turning away from me…so as to not see the NO TEARS…lots of tricks up the sleeves…don’t fall for it!!

My ex could cry on demand.
Excellent post. Totally agree – there is always a hidden agenda behind sociopath tears, and YES- they are faking it. My ex-husband, who I truly believe was a sociopath (who targeted me from the start to exploit identities- mine and my immediate family, and nearly killed me when exposed, I barely survived the torment and he destroyed me financially), also liked to “cry”.
Especially, when we first met and on an early beginning, by projecting image as someone with a big heart and highly empathetic. Saying, he tried to move forward after the death of his fiancé who died about 3 years earlier, and would “cry” every time he speaks about her, and just by mentioning her name. Also, “cried” for any other causes that called for empathy and emotional response. And every time he “cried”, he always finished with the words “Sorry, I’ve got emotional “
Although all his crying – that typically lasted for 2-3 minutes or less and without any tears (or maybe some but I was never able to see it) was just a well-rehearsed routine he could produce on demand. He always started with exaggerated frown look on his face and squinting his eyes (with tightly pressing his lips and corners of the mouth down -look very dramatic), would loudly sniff his nose for a few times and start sobbing, by mixing it with few words in between-to point out a reason he cries. As soon as his act was acknowledged, he was already wrapping up, by quickly getting a tissue (he always kept handy in his pocket), would loudly blow his nose and rub his eyes all at once (Yes-it looked messy) and by continuing rapidly blinking, would quickly put his glasses back on (after rubbing, his eyes were red, and behind thick lenses, you really couldn’t see if he actually had any tears) He’d finish with another loud nose blow and by saying (still in wavering tone of voice) “Sorry, I’ve got emotional”….Couple more nose sniffs for transition and he was good to go – acting and speaking normally like nothing happened…In addition, whenever he could, he’d use his eye drops right after he’s done (also carried with him), by which eliminating any second guesses whether he had any actual tears…
Also, had a shorter version of the above. Just by making a frowning look, with slightly donning his head and start rapidly blinking, like he is about to break in tears, and as soon it acknowledged, stopped there.
Too, as I observed, if you interrupt him with a question or say something he did not expect, he would stop his act completely abruptly (like freeze) and will think what to say and say it in the normal tone of voice. After which he could completely stop (usually by changing the subject) or could resume, by immediately switching back to this wavering crying tone. It was especially noticeable due to the contrast between his normal deep tone of voice and that high tone he used to cry with.
Unfortunately, all this observations and conclusions came too late, until he demonstrated his ability to fake cry in the situation that I’ve previously only seen in bad movies about psychopaths, who by trapping their victim, fake crying to their face about how much he’s gonna miss them after they die. But it was not till 18 months later when I told him I wanted to get a divorce. And of course, by that time I was officially trapped and isolated financially, socially and otherwise, and nowhere to run. Later, on the night I managed to escape with my son (from virtually impossible situation and against all odds) he faked cried to my face by rehearsing his lines for accepting condolences for mine and my son’s untimely death. Saying in between sobs “first my fiance, and now my wife and my stepson”….

But on the meantime, he projected that “almost too good to be true” image, except maybe too sensitive for a man, who can’t help but cry in his reflection of empathy. He used these fake cries to evoke empathy and was a big part of his pity play and the image he tried to project. By crying not just in front of me, but also when in public places and just anywhere and seemed was never embarrassed by that. Probably, as an extra benefit, it neutralized his arrogance (he was highly arrogant, and was frequently called on that at work) In addition, used it as another tool in order to avoid any unwanted conversations, by simply starting his crying routine and saying he’s overwhelmed to continue. Though he could promise to talk about it some other time… but he won’t, or again, would speak indirectly and vogue, and almost immediately start crying again. Afterward, he would tell you he’s already told you everything about it, and now he is completely over this subject and don’t ask him again (that’s how he used to avoid any conversations about circumstances and cause of death of his fiancé. When his vogue explanations about how she died just didn’t add up and were raising more questions, he’d just start crying, saying “its still hurts to talk about her death”, and by above scenario) Aside of it, had another million tricks to avoid any unwanted conversation. Like saying, he already told you everything about it on numerous occasions, and you must be forgetful and not paying attention to what he said, and now he feels offended and would never speak about it again (that’s how he used to avoid any questions about his vogue and fragmented past, including huge whole in his bio, between high school and age 30, before he went overseas to receive his education)…..Or later, when his fake cries were no longer use, he substituted it for bizarre fits of rage to your face (with smashing and crushing things around), that’ll leave you stunned and terrified and you’ll be simply afraid to bring this subject again, or just to say anything that might provoke this reaction…

To be honest, all his crying routine looked quite awkward, but it worked and was very convincing at first. Besides, my ex, to begin with, was somewhat socially awkward (lacking some essential skills to engage/initiating contact) Though, it was not as bad as he tried to present initially. It seems, he purposefully, depending on the situation, tried to play more awkward than he actually was. Then, it was hard to judge the rest of his act, including start second-guessing any red flags and questing your intuition.
And on the whole, tried to portray that “socially incapacitated genius” stereotype (like those highly intellectual individuals who are socially inept and acting awkward in social settings) Yet, he was smart, intelligent and educated -white collar professional, also well read, articulate, and highly opinionated and liked to show it. But at no point, he was a genius or someone who is highly intellectual. He was just average, with average or just above average intelligence, and with no special talents or abilities otherwise (though, in his opinion, he was a genius and smarter than anyone else….but all this bragging started a bit later).
Then, with this base image, it was easier to get away with his “I’ve got emotional” moments. Its self-explanatory, he was very moderate with it in his professional life (besides, how often you see a crying man? All it takes -couple times here and there for reputation to live on, and then just every once in a while for a maintenance purposes or as needed it) Personally, I’ve seen only once when he cried in front of his colleges (actually were his bosses), but based on their reaction, they’ve seen it before and so, they all knew story about his fiancé (he speculated heavily everywhere) ….
He would still act arrogant over and over (he had a poor control over it), but it wouldn’t perceived as his main characteristic because of the other impression of that a bit awkward guy, who easily gets “emotional” and generally considered as a good guy, with a big heart and very empathetic.
Traditionally, men like this are never taken seriously and generally perceived as completely harmless and would never be suspected in any wrongdoing (especially with advanced social status, he used to parade everywhere)
Again, I don’t think he chose that image randomly. Because, on the other end, unlike other sociopaths, he wasn’t charming or charismatic. In fact, he was highly arrogant, easily irritated, and as I said somewhat socially awkward. Then, in the given circumstances, it was the best image he could opt. As an immediate benefit it neutralized his arrogance, and on a long run – was a perfect camouflage to protect his true identity of someone who is highly predatory, sadistic, and manipulative, who habitually defrauding the legal system and exploiting others…

As well, based on my example and his fiancé’s, it seems he picked his women from his work environment (but from different departments, not linking with his or each other) and who are a single mothers (each of us had a child about same age -8 yoat the time) I can’t tell how she was perceiving it, but for me knowing we work within same company, made me keep my guards down, by thinking it was safe, and I missed the whole kind of red flags, which I’d normally pay more attention would’ve been dealing with a complete stranger. Again, I can’t tell about her, but shortly as we started dating, he persuades me to resign from our company (though I still had my other job), by which immediately isolating you from his immediate environment (and so to prevent any possible leak of information) and then feel free to say any lies about you or your relationships, and when you try to complain, no one believes you.
I wish I could use more statistic to judge about his M.O. but he was highly secretive about everything in his life. I only aware of his fiance, with whom he was in relationships already in his forties, and was 47 (10 ears of my senior) at the time of our marriage.

FAKE CRYING/FAKE GRIEVE OVER HIS FIANCE DEATH
As I said, when we first met, he would cry all the time, by a heavily exploiting story about his fiancé, who died about 3 years earlier, saying -he still can’t cope with his death…He was saying – he knows it’s time to move on with his life, but can’t stop thinking about her..that.she was the love of his life…and he’s missing her dearly and still keeping all of her belongings and everything at his house in the way it was last time she was there (except not a single picture of her and he lied about her last name) Also, was carrying with him one of those books about ‘Coping with death of the loved ones’, that looked completely worn, like being re-read millions times, with little bookmarks and handwritten notes on the sides (just looking at this book alone will break your heart and you’ll cry all night) And another 30 or 40 that sort of books around his house. More like strategically placed on display- on the coffee tables and counters, with pile of them on the floor in the living room (all with same worn appearance, bookmarks and notes)… One – he left opened on the kitchen table, with pen next to it and tried to apologize for forgetting to put it away after working on it last night.
..He used to say his biggest dream was to have his own family, but with her death, he no longer believes it’s possible. And of course, I was the one who restored his dreams and hopes – in about 4 weeks he claimed I was his soulmate, in another 4 -already proposed, with prompting me to sell my property and moving in with him. In about 5 years from that day, I’d find official evidence showing him starting to exploit my identity as soon as I moved in with him, and shortly as I was officially trapped, identities of my immediate family.

And so, his public display of grieve over his fiance’s death -was just an act. There was nothing like he was trying to project, starting with their relationship and ending with her death. He actually hated this woman, even after death. Later he spoke about her differently. That she was a ‘cheating b****’ , a ‘b****’ who spent his money, also a ‘crazy b**** and a ‘b****” who was about to complaint. He never attend her funeral nor visited her grave. Also, it seems, it was hardly couple years relationships (besides -she wasn’t legally divorced from her previous marriage yet)
She has died (at age 36) under suspicious circumstances while residing with my Ex, by sustaining intra-cranial bleeding (or as he initially said – a “stroke”) and dying from its complications; and it was under Police investigation.
His story about her having stroke did not add up from the start with his first words “she did not die in my house”. It was always on the back of my mind – also for a reason. Further, I’ve got more confirmation to my suspicions. Especially, when in about 2 years, he accidentally (in the slip of the tongue) spelled out information that she actually had a major fall from the stairs at his house with hitting her head really bad (it was classical ‘This is it’ scene, followed by deadly silence and he had that stare on his face like in trance. Terrifying)
I was absolutely convinced he murdered this women (I still am) and later confronted him. Twice.
First time -I thought he’d kill me and was petrified. It took place in the middle of other heated argument while I confronted his with his other exploits I was discovering (though, almost a year before finding actual evidences) He just attacked me, by pinning me against my SUV (it was outside of house near carport) with one hand on my throat and other covering my mouth and hissing to my face “shut up b****, shut up”. With his initial hand motion in opposite direction, I could feel he’s about to break my neck, but luckily, he regained control and let go (he generally had a poor impulse control, but try to regain control quickly) And then started to scream loudly (make sure neighbors and everyone else can hear) that I am paranoid delusional, verbally abuse and threatening him.

Second time was about a year later(by the time I surely survived at least 3 assoults, still trapped under same roof with my perpetrator but regaining a bit control and towards exiting) Also, it was not exactly a confrontation, I presented it differently, by questioning him totally unexpectedly (also trying to play calm and neutral as much as I can, also, made sure keeping a safe distance and leaving entry door unlocked in case he’ll try to attack me again) By starting talk about something else, I just suddenly switched the subject and told him, that I’ve happened to stop by at my former company and talked to his fiance coworkers. And they convinced she’s been murdered, by still remembering Police investigation all over the place. Then said “I did not know you’ve been under murder investigation…” and just waited
He did the usual when faced with unexpected question – he freezes, by taking a long pause just trying to read you and to think what to say (he frequemtlyy liked to compare himself to a poker player) Then said in the completely neutral, lower tone of voice like someone else could hear “You can’t prove it…Cops have nothing on me…She did not die in my house…” and after another pause added “B**** was about to complaint and deserve to die…” and just walked out.
There’s more to this story. Back then I tried to go Police with this. But it was already too late. My Ex already turned tables around by presenting himself a s victim with waging smear campaign that I am paranoid delusional, verbally abusive and violent. No one won’t listen to me back then.
(word of caution to anyone in this t situation -don’t do it. Don’t try to confront someone with murder -you can harm yourself)

FAKE CRY IN PUBLIC ELEVATOR
After he finished crying over his fiancé, he switched to “cry” over situations that required an emotional response and called for empathy. Although, by mimicking emotional response, sometimes he couldn’t size the situation, with his response was completely out of proportion and just inadequate.
As well, it seemed, at some point (maybe in a couple of weeks or so) he got carried away with his crying games, by starting to cry on regular bases over most irrelevant reasons. This continued until he happens to be publicly called out on his fake cry and I was also about to quit. After which he just stopped.

I still remember this epic last cry he did in public place by “crying” over a completely benign situation. It took place in the public elevator (in the medical building settings) Where, some women (a complete stranger) with the cast on her arm was publicly sharing that she was heading for her orthopedic appointment, by also explaining that she fell and broke her arm a month ago and it still hurts… That’s all. She wasn’t in distress or anything. She was pleasant and smiling – just socializing. People around responded accordingly by saying things like – they feel bad she fell and should be more careful in the future, wishing her fast recovery, advising to ask her doctor to take another look at her arm, or to prescribe a pain medication….
My Ex didn’t participate at first, just observing. But then out of blue started with his crying routine, with loud sobbing and blabbering he feels so sorry for her…Everybody stopped talking, just being stunned (with him sobbing – you would think his close relative just died in this elevator) Also, women with the cast, seemed somewhat offended, as she asked in a straight tone of voice – Why would he cry? And what exactly he feels so sorry for? (basically, called him out on his fake act) My Ex didn’t know what to say, then blubbered something like “because you’ve hurt so badly.” Women replayed – ‘It was a month ago and was not as bad, and it’s okay now’. Nobody longer talked, just passing him some tissues, while he was finishing with “sorry, I’ve got emotional” line…..
I feel so embarrassed over his act and could not wait to get off that elevator. Then asked if he thinks his reaction was somewhat exaggerated? He just said “you think?”, also, with the completely childish expression on his face. I only said I’m leaving and started to walk away (it was not the first time and I just had enough and was about to quit. Besides, it was not just his crying, along with it he generally started to act somewhat childish, with nagging and blabbering. Shortly before, he also shared with me (like it was a big deal) that he likes to refer and call himself a” baby” and invited me to call him that too (?) There was something sickening about this admission, and was stunned, which he immediately acknowledged, by switching the subject and never bringing again. This whole thing was just getting weird, with his childlike behavior like some form of regression, with next stage, probably, start sucking his thumb)
And it was only getting weirder, because as I was walking away, he stopped me and asked to provide him a detailed feedback about what was wrong with this situation (?!) I could not tell -was he playing me or was he serious (also, it wasn’t a child who asked me that, but a grown man close to his fifties and otherwise intelligent and educated)
But he insisted being serious and didn’t mean to upset me, and honestly didn’t understand what was wrong and needed my explanations. As he wouldn’t leave me alone and keep nagging, I explained the best I could, including remark about age-appropriate behavior and acting like a grown man. Yet, not understanding purpose of it or where he was heading with it. Too, with mixed feelings and getting confused about this whole situation…

Of course, he was playing me…. big time. He figured he overdid with his crying games and had to quit and play it differently. Except he could not just out of nowhere, quit all his daily routine with fake cries with childlike behavior and to start to act any different (like very different), and was only a reason he insisted on that feedback – to justify his sudden transformation. Which he also demonstrated in front of my eyes (also, in quite exaggerated form, just to show he got it) Because, as soon as I finished talking, I noticed like he, all at once, straightened his back and spread his shoulders, got his chin up, removed that childlike facial expression and replacing with serious one, also deepened his voice (even below of his usual) and continued speaking in more direct manners… Just like in my remark. So-to-speak, manned-up in front of my eyes (he even tried to walk differently, but it did not go too well, and actually was funny) All at once, also asked not to leave him, and to give him a second chance, that I mean a world to him and he loves me so much. By also trying to explain, that he probably just in general got carried away with his emotions, because he has not felt that happy for years…and how my feedback was invaluable…. and since now on he’ll take control over that…. with more excuses and promises not to upset me ever, and move love bombing after…..
Back then it looked very convincing and almost immediately (in a day or two) we reconciled….

FAKE CRY AT THE WEDDING
Since then, he completely stopped all his “crying”. With the exception couple months later, on our wedding, where he gave one more bizarre, big public “cry”, which worth mentioning (and I am still wondering why) Otherwise, he restarted his fake cries about 18 months later (as his mask was slipping off) but exclusively for sadistic gratification purposes, and as a demonstration of own power and grandiosity (more like monstrosity) and just for his personal amusement, as he seemingly enjoyed to inflict any form of psychological pain and watch others suffering.

About this big public fake cry 1he gave on our wedding (with his traditional “sorry, I’ve got emotional” lines), which he also did, by going on stage with microphone, and crying over very unusual for the settings reason, that normally no one (even him) would ever consider, unless some other agenda behind it. As well, I wasn’t an intended recipient of that cry, but his two bosses, who he invited and were present at our wedding, were. Because, otherwise, no one else was aware of the situation he was talking about.
What he did (also, seemingly out of blue), was giving a speech dedicated to the death of one of his former colleagues (his immediate director), who died 3 days prior our wedding, by allegedly committing a suicide (though, my Ex skipped these details) And whom my Ex previously used to admire, more like idolized. But at the time of his death had a huge grudge against him, due to the incident about 3 or 4 months earlier (only him, my ex and I present), where this former colleague openly confronted him with the death of his fiancé and questioning him to his face if the same thing is going happened to me too.

That’s how it happened. My Ex decided to invite this man to go out with us with the purposes of introducing me to him. Though it was not about me, he just really wanted to befriend this guy. Except it’s not what happened, where my ex totally didn’t expect this outcome and didn’t see it coming either.

Here I have to explain, prior to this incident, my Ex just idolized this guy, to the point of obsession. Firstly -his professional side, by admiring his professional skills, knowledge, and how brilliant, sharp and smart he was. Saying, this guy was smarter than anyone else and smarter than him(!), and he’d never be as good as he was, as it’s just impossible. He considered him as his mentor, saying, he was really helpful, when he first started working, with helping to establish his skills, and taught him a lot. Also, helped, by working through his arrogance issues, and was very supportive when his fiancé died. Once, he said, that out of all his colleagues, this guy was the only one who actually figured him out, by knowing him better than anybody (but then, just laugh and sad that nobody can’t figure him out, but this guy came closer than anyone else)
Along with admiring his professional side, was also admiring and obsessed with everything else about this guy. And prior to this incident, used to talk about him on a daily basis, like every day. It seems, he knew all about him, about his family, kids, habits, his favorite drink, how he spends his vacations (I wish my ex would’ve said that much about himself) He even kept one of his postcards this guy used to send to his colleagues as a joke, while vacationing. Also, was repeating all his jokes (even when it wasn’t funny), including jokes this guy made about him, which were outright sarcastic and ironic, and I could not believe, my Ex was repeating it, saying it’s really funny (!)
As my Ex explained, he always wanted to be a friends with this guy. Yet, not as a close friend, more like an extension of professional relationships, like once in the while to stop by for a drink after work, like his others colleagues do, that sorta thing. He said, a couple years ago he already tried to offer him this thing for “stopping by for a drink after work”, but the guy said he was busy with his second job. Since then, my ex did not know how to approach this, being afraid of been told ‘no’ again (in other words, it was a middle school drama, where my Ex tried hard to be part of the club but won’t be accepted by popular kids) And here, since we’re engaged, he thought it was a great reason, and a great opportunity, try asking again. He was preparing 2 weeks in advance just to ask, and when this guy agreed, it was like a dream came true. He even red flagged this day in the calendar, with doing something like a countdown, and just so excited. He was saying, he already told him everything about me numerous times, and was certain this guy should really like me, by already picturing like he was approving his choice, and how by the end of this meeting, we’ll set another one. He even explained in advance, that he’s actually not taking me for any following meetings with this guy, just for this one, by only needing me to establish a first contact for him because I had social skills he was lacking (he also expressed this unrealistic idea even on much larger scale, by planning to utilize me like some sort of tool, who would establish initial communications for him with people he considered interesting and fascinated with. And was daydreaming how all these extraordinary and talented people would casually gather at his house, and he would enjoy these communications. By honestly considering himself all that and viewing himself as a part of this upper society, and just blaming everything on this essential lack of social skills, that prevented him from being up there. And by talking about it, was already assigning this particular piece of job on me, by saying he’ll” take it from there” because otherwise he even did not consider me smart nor intelligent, but just a plain shroud, except this particular set of social skills, he always wanted to have. The first time he expressed these bizarre ideas, I just refused to believe my own ears, and on other couple occasions, he happened to speak about it, I just choose to pretend like I don’t hear all that. And so, meeting this guy, was already a part of his grand plan for building desirable connections)

However, by chasing after the idea of becoming something like work bodies with this guy, my ex obviously forgot about nature of field they both worked for, and it backfired on him. Apparently, this guy was a brilliant, as well as professionally observant 24/7 and profiled my ex long time ago (I don’t know what else he could’ve know about him or his fiancé) Because, when we arrived, instead of “hello”, this guy started with heated argument and open confrontation to his face.
He started in this slightly exaggerated style, by trying to put parallels between me and his fiancé who died. He pointed at me and asked him ” is this your fiancé you keep talking about? Is this your XXX (and called me by her name, with mentioning all other attributes associated with her to make it clear what he was trying to do) And saying- is she the one you’ve been madly in love with, and was the love of your life? and where is she now? what happened to her?
And, still by pointing at me, continued “and here, your new fiancé, another “love of your life”, and what’s gonna happened to her? Tell me – what are you gonna do to this woman? Is she gonna end up as a first one? Tell me, what are you doing with all these women? Explain, what are doing?!… and so forth…

It seems, this guy picked up on his pattern of idealization, devaluation and discard. It, also, seems, previously, already questioned circumstances of the death of his fiancé. Because would’ve been it a clean-cut story about how she died, he’d never bring it up like that. Plus, when Police has investigated her death, they probably questioned all his colleagues too about their relationships.
By looking backward, it looked like this guy already thought about all this for a while and it bothered him. Also, was under the impression, like it was part of some conversation they had earlier. It’s very possible, this guy already tried to give him a hint earlier, but my ex, probably, just didn’t get it (by being too excited) I wouldn’t say guy was necessarily angry, more like highly concerned, by demanding all this answers from my Ex. Though, my Ex didn’t try to say anything to his defense, obviously, not expecting any of this.

It was a very powerful and passionate presentation (except back then I didn’t understand what is this all about) and was stunned, with goosebumps all over, and almost dizzy. I just excused myself and went to ladies’ room to wash my face with cold water and trying to apprehend what just had happened and what is this all about…
When I came back, the altercation was over. My Ex was pretending to have a conversation about politics, and the guy really wasn’t saying anything, just checking on his watch. Very tense, in about 5-10 minutes he left (I am certain there was a continuation to this conversation. I think, back at the restaurant, my Ex probably told him, if they can talk about it later, and on mean time asked to stay for another few minutes, just to stay polite. But what happened later, I can only guess. There is no way, my Ex could undo his opinion. The least he could do- was saying, that he could care less for his opinion and to stay away from his personal life. But again, since this guy already put him on the radar and started questioning everything, it wouldn’t make this problem to go away…. It had to be something else he said or did…)
On the way back, my Ex just won’t speak (and for the next few days hardly said anything at all, just thinking) I asked what is this guy was trying to say? He only said the guy was drunk and didn’t know what he was talking about. Though, he wasn’t drunk at all, and hardly drink anything. But my Ex just won’t talk. After that, he never talked about this guy again. I kept asking how it is going between them at work, but he was saying he hasn’t seen him, As I kept asking, eventually, said that everything is fine. And by questioning about this incident, he said the same thing as before- nothing happened, the guy was drunk and didn’t know what he was talking about, and even apologized to him. Still, I asked, if he wants to keep him in wedding guests list, he said -of course (like what are you talking about), nothing changed, they still in a good relationship and everything. But no longer speak about him.
However, after this guy allegedly committed a suicide (in about 3 or 4 months), my Ex started to talk about it nonstop. He was living by this news and was all he was talking about it. As well, I don’t remember him being upset over that, more like excited, especially, when it first happened. He was speaking 5 times faster, than he normally did, and could hardly hold still, by running back and forth with this news. He even couldn’t concentrate to fake cry, explaining, he is too nervous and in disbelief about what happened. He was constantly going over and over its details, about when, how and why; with all other updates, and his own opinion about what actually happened as he also visited him at the hospital before man actually died. In his opinion, after what happened, this man no longer had any credibility, and his career is over, and he knew that in this circumstance this man will just finish what he intended to do in first place.
And when on the following day my Ex informed me the man actually died, he started losing interest in this subject, by talking less and less, and in 4 days just stopped, by seemingly getting bored, and saying (more like announcing) that he is completely over this subject and no longer interested in talking about it. And ever since never mentioned anything about it…
I am still bothered by the circumstances of the death of this man, as well as by purpose of that fake cry my Ex did about it… Too, by giving this speech, he didn’t mention things about this guy being his mentor or else. More like an official type of speech. Saying, that he wanted to remembering his college (with mentioning his name), who unexpectedly passed…what a great loss…he’d be missed…and wished he was here to celebrate… With the usual loud sniffing and nose blowing, and wrapping up with traditional “sorry, I’ve got emotional” lines. It was a very awkward scene, followed by uncomfortable silence. At least someone figured taking a microphone from him and switching the subject….

Also, I don’t understand. Later, my Ex told me this guy sent us a wedding gift and showed me his check for $200 written as a “wedding gift” to our names and signed on the day or day prior of alleged suicide. I’ve heard, sometimes people do something like that as a part of unfinished business, but considering all other circumstances, I don’t think it was the case. Also, doubting, this guy was planning to attend our wedding in the first place or sent any form of congratulations gifts.
This man obviously figured him out and was absolutely right about what’s gonna happen. As my ex nearly killed me too, and I narrow avoided death a few times, and it’s almost surreal I was able to survive and still alive.
And so, my Ex had all the reasons to hate him and to worry about it, because if this man would’ve act up on his suspicions, he would’ve be on the same page as me, except much quicker, and with different consequences for my ex. Or, maybe he already shared some of his suspicions with his other colleagues, but, probably they won’t acknowledge, or, most likely, just won’t get involved (yeah, seriously, who does, especially when you speaking about potential murder and perspectives of dealing with criminal psychopath) Version about they just won’t get involved seems more viable to me, because when about 3 ½ years later, I tried to complaint (about his exploits and his death threats I was dealing with) it was exactly what his new immediate director told me -he just won’t get involved. In addition, informed my Ex about my attempts to complain (the same thing happened couple months earlier when I tried to complain to police about the same thing, where they also did not believe me and also informed my ex on my attempts to complain)
..Nonetheless, I think by that fake cry, my Ex tried to demonstrate to his bosses that he still was in good terms in this man, just as a preventive measure, in case this man already shared some of his suspicions with them. And what else, he, possibly, was trying to cover up with it. Same, like he covered up with his fake cries suspicious death of his fiancé, who he also hated in the reality, and in his words “was a b****, who was about to complain and deserved to die”. In which matter, I was “another crazy b**** who’s going to die” or as he also threatened me “one b**** already tried to complain, she died”.

This was his last fake cry for so-to-speak legitimate purposes while trying to project this highly empathetic image. The next time when he cried, was already for sadistic gratification only.
The first time when he did it, was about 18 months later when I told him I wanted to get a divorce. On which he replied with active persuasions to commit a suicide, with ahead of time “offers” “to help me with its arrangements” “as soon it’s not in the house”. Which he also accompanied by fake cries with loud sobbing that “he’s gonna miss me so much after I died, just like he misses his fiancé “…..
There’s more of a story, but am afraid it’s already too long. I never talked about it before. Everything about my ex and his diabolical actions still beyond my comprehension and sometimes I don’t know where to start.

Send this to a friend