Woman sues Match.com after date assaults her

Ridley was a beast!The fact that he killed another woman in Arizona,because she too had broke up with him,shows that he is a socialpath/narcissic traits.How many times is he supposed to beat up a woman or kill a woman before it’s taken seriously?!And then rather than show remorse and face justice,he takes the cowardly way out and kills himself!

As for Match.Com….well,just because they have listed some safety precautions,doesn’t absolve them of atleast some responsibility.Yes,most people know that internet dating isn’t a good idea.But how many come home to find them in their garage with a knife?!There ought to be some way of evaluating people on these sites!

Donna, thank you SO much for posting this horrific article.

Online dating is NOT safe. I don’t care HOW many “marriages” any one dating site claims as a result of their services, it is NOT safe. Godalmighty, people have been doing this without the benefit of technology for MILLENNIA, and technology has provided the disordered and disordered-in-training the most perfect of all trolling grounds.

I believe that ANY trustworthy dating site would demand criminal, civil, and credit background checks. Even then, it would be very simple for any applicant/member to falsify their ONLINE information to continue to appear “normal.”

Ladies and gentlement, boys and girls: online dating sites are not safe. They are not safe. That’s it. They aren’t.

Thanks, again, Donna.

Brightest blessings

The P BF dated, I had casually known for 10 years or so via my living history group and he was very popular, well liked,, no criminal record and financially secure, divorced….and a psychopath that burned down the house of his previous GF while he was dating me…and seeing his harem of GFs and friends wiith benefits that he had developed over the years he cheated on his wife. His credit was good. Oh, and he secretly drank like a fish.

NO back ground check short of a full FBI investigation would have turned up all this information. AND this was not an internet meet up, this was real life. I thought I had found nirvana…thank God I found out before I married him.

I haven’t internet dated, but I have met some people over the internet and a couple of them have been psychopaths and one recent con man. Fortunately, I didn’t get “badly stung” or conned by them, but I am a whole lot more careful now.

And, as a strict aside, I “met” the second exspath online and did NOT meet this individual until a YEAR after we first “met.”

A year’s time? Should be enough to sort someone out, right? Telephone conversations, snail-mail declaration of love, instant messaging, and emails……..the barrage of lovebombing was (in retrospect) absolutely OFF the charts.

No…..dating sites are the most perfect of all playgrounds for predators outside of organized religion.

OxD, I don’t truly believe that there is any way, shape, or means to “weed out” the predators, in any environment – online or in Real Life.

Predators are a part of the Human Condition, and the fact is that the majority of human beings are only able to identify “predatory” human beings with individuals like Ted Bundy and Jerry Sandspathsky. Most people honestly believe that predators wind up in prisons.

The truth is unpleasant to consider, and I don’t know what the current “estimates” are as percentages of spaths in everyday life.

Internet interactions provide a very, very one-dimensional means of communication (same with text messaging). The expath presented an old-fashioned, intelligent, and romantically inclined person. “Oh, I understand,” was a common reponse to anything that I was “discussing” with him via Instant Messaging or via emails. Even in verbal discussion, he presented an individual that “cared” about my well-being and recovery. Would I have seen the “Red Flags” had I been educated about them prior to marrying him? Maybe – possibly.

But, for those who are vulnerable, lonely, and desperately feel that they “need someone” to share their lives with, online dating is THE WORST possible option.

Of course, I’ll never date, again – not even date. I don’t have the time or inclination to sort out whether or not someone has an agenda. Casual (STRICTLY casual) acquaintance? Sure. But, not likely.

Even developing platonic friendships is an exercise in boundaries, now. Since my association with the exspath’s female ex-con minion, I’ve run up against a NUMBER of individuals that I could have developed friendships with that were wholly toxic. And, I have entierly TOO much work to do on myself that require my immediate attention.

This doesn’t mean that I wish to be a hermit or that I am thoroughly distrusting of all people. I’m just very, very cautious and I most definitely DO want to socialize and rebuild my life.

STRICT aside: dog trials. I am so excited about dog trials in the region, and I can hardly wait for Spring!

Brightest blessings

Truthy, ANY relationship must have boundaries….and we need to watch for red flags in any relationship.

One of the first red flags is the LOVE BOMB, and it is one of the easiest to spot, but yet one of the easiest to fall for. But there are places we can make friends and have associations that are meaningful. Mutual interest groups, and volunteer work are great places to meet people, but even there…watch out for the red flags.

There was a segment on dateline or 20/20 last nite about internet fraud involving dating…people will pretend to be somebody they arent.. Like the football player
manti ___ somebody, that had an internet girlfriend that died, well she never was a girl but some guy playing games with manti..they call this catfishing…brings to mind onestep and her situation.
We can be whoever, whatever we wish on the internet.
Oh my. I am just a hermit in the woods (beware)…

Truthspeak:

I think that now that we know the red flags, there are ways to weed out predators and evil people. I know now without a doubt that I KNOW the signs and I will not fall again. That may sound arrogant on my part, but I was so hurt and have learned so much…I know the signs now, why WOULD I fall again? I haven’t studied everyday for the past two and a half years to throw all that knowledge away. If anything like what I went through is presented to me again, why wouldn’t it scream loudly and clearly to me? If it doesn’t, I haven’t learned anything at all. I did not go through all this just to fall again and be so destroyed that I may not recover the next time.

MD:

Good to see you still have your humor! I hope you are doing OK.

By the way…I am also “real.” Just a woman living in this world trying to navigate day by day…

Louise, yes, we do learn the red flags but we STILL must be carefull because Ps can”Mask” themselves for quite some time. Even Dr. Robert Hare says it takes TIME and ASSOCIATION to truly pick out the bad ones.

I know probably as much as anyone about psychopaths, having been used and abused by friends, relatives, lovers, business partners, employees, and bosses, and yet only a few months ago I let a couple of cons screw me in a business deal….and I ran iinto another con that I recognized quickly because he love bombed me, gave me the pity ploy, and then asked me to do something underhanded. I managed to get that con man fired from his job with a non profit group that helps victim’s families of those who have been murdered.

So SOMETIMES we can spot them early on, and the thing I use the most to spot them is ANY sign of dishonesty. I also like to see someone in their “natural environment” of friends and family, but we still must watch and NOT GIVE TRUST, BUT HAVE THEM EARN IT.

Oxy and Louise,
actually my spath EARNED my trust. Oh yes, our first date happened after he fixed my car. That’s part of his MO, he EARNS peoples’ trust. He wows everyone by fixing their aircraft, car, motorcycle or whatever. And then he is always there to rescue you from all those “crooked mechanics” who just want to take your money but can’t fix your car/boat/aircraft and don’t even care if their stupidity kills you. Spath is always there to take care of you… to death.

The red flags aren’t even about trust, they are just little boundary violating behaviors that spaths MUST engage in to test us. The love bomb is the first one. The pity ploy is another. “Make an exception to the rule” is another one.

In general, I think most people are too inhibited to violate boundaries the way that spaths do, but not always. Some people are just gregarious or “free spirits”.

I think that the surest red flag is ENVY. If you see that in even the smallest hint, that’s a sign to back slowly toward the door, don’t make any sudden moves.

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Saturday, Jan 26 2013 6PM 29°F 9PM 31°F 5-Day Forecast
Manhattan playboy charged with raping woman he met online was ‘banned from sugar daddy’ website months ago

By Snejana Farberov and Daily Mail Reporter

PUBLISHED: 12:38 EST, 26 January 2013 | UPDATED: 13:15 EST, 26 January 2013

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The Manhattan real estate mogul who was arrested on Wednesday and charged with raping a woman he met on a ’sugar daddy’ website was stopped from using the site months ago, it was revealed today.

Lakhinder ‘Lak’ Vohra, 47, who recently started working as a broker for the high-end real estate firm Nest Seekers, has been accused of attacking his 26-year-old date at his posh apartment on Wall Street, where the two agreed to meet after first making contact on SeekingArrangement.com.

But the owner of the site told the New York Post that Vohra had been removed from the site sometime last year, before sneaking back on January 9 under the name Daddylovesarmcandy.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2268721/Manhattan-playboy-charged-raping-woman-met-online-banned-sugar-daddy-website-months-ago.html#ixzz2J6uN6QOp
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook

Ridley viewed these women as his property;his possessions.That’s why he was so angered by their leaving him.Why he sucessfully killed one,and attemped to kill Mary Beckman.That is how my husband views me,even though I walked out on him and have let him know by my actions that “it’s over”…he continues to try to ‘worm his way back in’.I’ve remained NC since Nov 7th.He’s still in the nursing home,and may be there longer than he’d planned as I heard he had MRSA.

Louise, I am ok, just tryin to avoid the bugs..
Bed Bugs
Flu Bugs
Crazy Bugs
Virus Bugs
Spath Bugs
DoDo Bugs
Internet Bugs
feel free to add to the list.

Well, Blossom, a nursing home is good enough for him. At least you are no longer his nurse/slave/victim.

MD:

Glad you are OK.

Can’t think of any other type of bugs at the moment.

Establishing trust is a part of any professional con game. That’s why it’s called a confidence game. It’s like a variant of lovebombing.

Moon, it’s good to “see” you……hope you’re doing well and I can’t add anything to the list except “Cat Bugs.” And, I don’t know what they might even be!!!

Louise, I hope that I have learned enough to put into practice to protect myself and maintain my boundaries.

Although I hate that she experienced them (and SO close together), I so much appreciate OxD’s articles about her con-experiences in the past few months. I don’t want ANYONE to fall for a con, but her recollections were a strong reminder to me that I need to be cautious and observant.

Like I typed, I hope that I can avoid “bad” people from this point on – romantic AND platonic.

Brightest blessings

Lovebugs?

Bigbugs!!! Yikes

Oxy,
Just as I was relaxin’ and thinking that I could enjoy my life a little longer without seeing his face….I check my mailbox and find a letter fom the nursing home inviting me to a care plan meeting to “discuss the needs and future discharge plans of M.”He wants you to know that you are welcome to attend.”I WILL NOT BE THERE!He will not accept the fact that I don’t want any contact;that I just want to be left alone!I recently found a website and printed out the info on it. The address is:
http://samvak.tripod.com/abuse18.html

“Dr.” Sam Vaknin is a psychopath who makes his living writiing about being a “narcissist”— there was a documentary movie made about him called “I, psychopath” there should be some link here to watch it.

Oxy,
I’ve learned most of what I know about spaths, from…. you guessed it: SPATHS.

They like to project and talk about themselves. They are a goldmine of information, you just have to get past the revulsion. Let’s face it, there is no way a normal human being is going to be able to even IMAGINE the spath mindset.

That was my vulnerability, I couldn’t imagine BEING that way. Nothing could have prepared me for believing that human beings were that way. Frankly, even Sam Vaknin, couldn’t convince me of that.

I know because I read “People of the Lie” by M. Scott Peck and also “Notes from Underground” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky and I just dismissed them both. I had to encounter evil in my life before I could believe and understand that these books were describing REALITY and NOT something rare or unique.

These freaks are EVERYWHERE and Vaknin, does describe them very well.

oxy and skylar,
The info I printed off from that website was very informative.If Vaknin is a spath,then I tend to believe what skylar says about their minds holding a wealth of information…and I intend to benefit from it!For instance,my husband is a mixture of the types of stalkers mentioned.So ALL the coping methods are good.Having such information does instill confidence.

Sam Vaknin’s writings are not my cup of tea…keep in mind that psychopaths are by definition pathological liars. Just reading anything he wrote makes my skin crawl.

I loved Dostoyevsky’s “Notes from Underground.”At the time I read it, I didn’t equate it with evil….I pitied him. Maybe I should read it again.

Sky, “Notes from Undrground” is a classic modernist text. Modernism is known for it’s self-consciousness. It is a sort of an abrupt movement away from heroism into anti-heroism. Man becomes a worm. God is dead, and Neitche and Freud rule the world. It’s all about alienation and unconscious drives. It’s about being aware of our insignificance, and fighting against it.
Maybe it’s a movement wherein people begin to see their human frailties.
I just read the first two chapters….gonna finish, now.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Modernist_literature

Kim,
I barely remember that book, since I read it in college. All I really remember is that I felt slimed after reading it. As did many of my classmates. We all agreed that it made us feel like offing ourselves! Do you think it was a pity ploy?

Generally, I think that Nietzsche was a spath as was Dostoyevsky. Or at least they had a disconnection with humanity and God, which made them search for meaning elsewhere, in philosophy or whatever. That darkness doesn’t exist in happy, connected people.

My spath used to deride me by saying, “living is easy with eyes closed.” I didn’t know what he was talking about. Yes, my eyes were closed and I was happier then. Wiser now though.

Well, as disturbing as it is to me, I identified with the underground man. I think the novel IS ABOUT FEELING SLIMED. I think it’s about shame. I think it’s about powerlessness. I think it’s about self-consciousness. I don’t know about Nietche…he hated women and had a very problematic relationship with his mother and sisters…but, I think Dostoyevsky was commenting on the decline of civilization….as were most modern writers.
If I’m not mistaken, Dostoyevsky was almost hung for what he wrote. He was at the gallows when he was granted a reprieve….and he never wrote anything meaningful, again.

http://people.brandeis.edu/~teuber/dostoevskybio.html
I stand corrected, however. He wrote, “The Brothers Karmacov”, and “The Grand Inquisiter” an excerpt, after his near execution.

My list of internet sad cases, sociopaths and desperadoes.

– A man who wanted money money money
-a man 58 who lived with his mother and had no money to pay for a coffee.
-a sociopath who lied and lied and told me that all the elaborated lies were just that. He really invented a life which never existed.
– a man who pestered me for naked porn pictures and when I dindnt send any of course he preoceeded to berate me and deeply offend me
-countless married people, cheating blatantly
-sexual predators who could not talk of anything else.
-a man who told me i was all he wanted and dated me for quite a while, just to drop out of sight and go back to his ex without a word of explanation, dropping me like an empty beer can
-A ex police man who was convicted for drug traffic
-a man dressed as Father Christmas
-A catholic priest who wanted a woman for sex
-a man who turned against me for no reason after loving me for a week and started treating me with abuse
-a man who wanted bondage sex
and finally, a man who was decent and loving and is now my boyfriend.

Elisee, I’m just glad that none of those 11+ sociopaths and desperate creeps didn’t try to kill you. I hope this guy you are dating now continues to be decent and loving. I think I will pass on the internet dating though, sounds to me like the odds are pretty dismal.

Elisee,

I like your list! Here is my list of online experiences:

1. A fat bavarian man, who was a scientologist, who wanted me to run away to europe with him, after only talking on the phone.

2. An angry anctor, who would yell and scream if you didn’t jump up and do a yoga pose “on command”. This man was banned from mult. restaurants for being rude. He sabotaged my truck after I broke it off. He said he had an apt. and a car in his profile. He lived in an abandoned building, and had a car with one seat and no paint on it. He had no job.

3. A caregiver for mentally delayed adults who stalked me for over a year, (even moving to my town), after I told him I would rather be friends than partners. He told his friends I was a sociopath, and had abused him, and that he was traumatized by me, wanting to find ‘closure’, that I wouldn’t ‘allow’.

4. Another big fat rich guy, who wanted a much younger/skinnier piece of arm candy. We met for dinner, and I was astonished to see how crude and loud and ridiculous he was. I did not accept another date and he called me 20 times telling me what a horrible expletive I was.

5. An dance-exercise teacher, who preaches love and community, and looks like Mr. Down To Earth. Who was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive in private. But funny, engaging, friendly, and upbeat in public. This is the one I spent the most time with, and who opened my eyes to the reality of personality disorders, and the damage they do.

The internet if rife with these angry, abusive, disordered people. They thrive there.

I am married now. By taking my sweet time, and watching for red flags, I am sure I have a wonderful life-partner. What that meant for me was being friends for a whole year, without ANY hankie-pankie. We hiked and cooked, and dined and went to movies. I dated someone else for a short time (#3, above). After a year he formally asked to start dating. We took it slow. It is a really great marriage, now two years.

Slim

Slimone

I loved your list. I could tell you more of all the abusive , disordered, mentally challenged people I met. Most I only met online, but some face to face. There was the old man who sent a pic of when he was much younger and on meeting him I saw that he was nearing 80. There was the turkish guy who wrote and wrote, told me how beautiful I was, that he was alone, I agreed to meet and he was quite nice during the date, but something was nagging me (pay attention to all the red flags and inside nagging) and turned out to have a woman who now still writes abusive emails to me, as if it was my fault that he lied to us both and cheated on her.
There was also the ones who professed to be born again Christians and were nothing near it, the man who showed me a church he built near his home and was lying about everything in his life and the fact that he had a house with another woman and a man who said he was Pentecostal and deeply religious and was actually newly married and trying to cheat on his new wife.
Ric and I started slowly, met each other, talk everyday, his talk was different and I had no fear or red flags. He invited me for a dinner with his daughter and family and starting there things gradually took shape. I think I got the right man now and have left the relationship site , I want nothing else to do with it.

Elisee,

Somehow reading about them like this makes them look hilarious. And they are hilarious. Too bad they are also vile and dangerous….

I too have a longer list….from years of being attracted to these sorts. Geez. Glad that’s over. At least I can feel (most times) the revulsion when I am around someone doing the disordered dance. So, as far as I can tell, I am not so attracted. Now it’s a matter of getting away, lickity split.

Now I will try my best to keep my radar on, my heart open, and my mind aware.

Oh man, I have GOT to go to bed.

slimone:

I have to say, Number 3 triggered me a bit (not your fault) because what you described of him was me exactly trying to get closure from my spath. I am not saying you are an spath that your ex was trying to get closure from at all. But everything you said there about him is basically what I say here…that he abused me, I’ve been traumatized and that all I wanted was closure and he wouldn’t allow it. I even used that exact word with my spath…that I was only trying for closure, but he wouldn’t “allow” it. It just kind of triggered me because it made me feel like I was the psycho. I hope in reality for you, this guy was not a psycho at all, but only someone who was deeply in love with you that was wounded because you no longer wanted him?

I was so very glad to see that you did not have sex with your husband before marriage. I get on my soapbox all the time on here about that…looks like it worked for you! By not getting bonded in that way, you would have been able to easily walk away if you started seeing red flags during the dating relationship without a lot being invested. I hope the marriage continues to go well for you as we all know that bad things can show up much later down the road.

Louise, whoah there! what did I say about being kind to yourself today?! You are not like slimone’s creepy ”caregiving” stalker man. We have established that you were the target of workplace harassment , basically stalking. I was harassed again at 6am. Maybe the police have got to intervene at this point. I’m exhausted. x

Slimone and Elisee, I love your lists and that you are both with stable and loving partners and that you can share your creep lists and make fun of these people. Good work. Peace and love to you both xx

Tea Light:

I know, but I did kind of stalk him when I wanted closure by almost begging him and not letting him alone. It makes me feel kind of awful and desperate. 🙁 I guess I just saw myself in that guy who was trying to get closure from Slimone. I will say I have no idea whatsoever what that guy was actually doing in his stalking, but just the basics that she gave here reminded me of myself.

You hang in there, Tea Light x

Lou, it isn’t the same, imo. Your abuser was a married man, who serially harassed women at work for kicks. He subjected you to sustained, prolonged harassment to manipulate you into a sexual relationship. This made you feel ill, and destabilised, and you have shared that with us, that the ‘real you’ went into hiding, as happened to me, in response to my abuser’s manipulations. Then, when your abuser devalues and discards you, you are naturally shell shocked, and you seek answers. It isn’t the same, Lou. Repeat, it’s not the same! Slimone’s creep isn’t posting on a survivor’s web site ”oh God, why did I stalk Simone? I feel so bad that I did that”. x

Louise,
Spaths PROJECT. They accuse us of doing what they are doing or intend to do. Some of them do it with full awareness, others do it subconsciously and probably everything in between.

If a spath, who has proven him/herself to be a spath by previous spathy actions, suddenly says, “Oh, you won’t let me have clooooooosure!! boo hoo!” You can correctly assume that it is projection on some level.

Most likely, they are trying to get a foot in the door so they can reel the victim back in. This is because THEY want to be the ones who did the discarding and they don’t want to be discarded. In the sick games they play, the winner is the discarder and the loser is the discarded.

Because the spaths’ thinking is so disordered, there can never be closure, no matter who does the discarding. Even if YOU, Louise, had discarded him (in a sense you did), there can’t be closure as long as you continue to see this as a love affair. It wasn’t because there was never any love. It was always hate. From hello to goodbye, his intent was destruction. The only way to get closure from that is to accept it.

Loiuse,

Sorry about the triggering. These spaths will use ANYTHING to make themselves look innocent, and like the victim. #3 did that by convincing his friends that I was cold hearted, that he was madly in love with me (mind you his previous girlfriend ‘escaped’ in the middle of the night, while he was at work….). He knew about sociopathy because I had shared some of my most painful experiences about the down-to-earth spath.

SO, he used that to create cover for himself. By accusing ME of being the spath.

Was he a psychopath? He had qualities. Very borderline/spathy tendencies. I don’t need to diagnose him however. I could tell he was ‘off’, due to the way I felt drained and slimed. He WANTED me to be a wounded bird, that he would put in a guilded cage. When he heard my ex-spath story he thought he hit the goldmine. Except that I was pretty strong and healing.

When I got the creepies from how much control he wanted, how he always wanted to talk about my ‘problems’. Well, it was like that song ‘Who Made You King of Anything?’.

Many of us ‘normals’ pestered the spaths for some kind of closure, some sense of what happened, and a sense of ‘I am OK, and you’re OK’. We cried and begged. They loved our pain. We wanted an adult accounting and separation.

But that cannot happen with a spath. It couldn’t happen with #3 either. Every time I gave him the chance to have an adult conversation he would tell me how fucked up I was, how he wanted to be with me, how I didn’t like to hear the truth about myself, etc……PROJECTION.

I KNOW he is disordered. So I don’t worry about what he said to me. I KNOW I was kind and mature with him. I don’t need to hear what he thinks of me. In fact I said to him ‘What YOU think if ME is none of my business’.

I went no contact and he continued to stalk me, send me gifts, letters, try to get me to befriend people he knew, showed up at my work, etc….For a WHOLE YEAR. That is very weird. I knew him for a total of 8 weeks.

If you begged your ex for longer than you feel comfortable with, and now think it made you look crazy and unhinged….I am sorry. But you HAVE to remember what/who you were dealing with, and that you likely didn’t know that the louder and more persistent you were the more he would enjoy the attention, and your pain. He was egging you on. It can be humiliating to look back and see the lengths many of us went to to understand, or try to make the pain and confusion stop….only to be further abused.

(((hugs))))

Slim

Reading through these posts brings back the memories and the recognition of how the spath husband did enjoy watching me squirm and putting me through emotional pain.Though he at one time would tell me he didn’t want to see me cry,later he would tell me that in a more demanding tone,along with a dripping contempt.

I once accepted a ride from someone who first offered me money for sex and then continued negtiating downward toward me sitting in his car while he pleasured himself and then not even looking, for a bit of cash. He wouldn’t give up and eventually pulled a massive erect penis out of his fly. He had parked by that point. I finally understood that he wouldn’t give up and did not want to sit there with the penis so I exited the car saying I just can’t do this while he still protested no wait! Ann!

That was my first lesson at 26 that not everyone you meet will let you close, as in wrap things up, politely say sorry, I can’t take that job, bye. I had to reexperience the not closing with the first lovefraud person. Later ther might be interaction but the experience of discard or bolting with no hashing out of wha had happened was very much like no closure. I don’t recall asking for closure, just knowing it wouldn’t be made available.

That relationship was and my more recent damaging abuse were sort of like one brief internet liasion I had. They all had elements of “ok here is the flesh on my arm… ok you can’t have more that’s the bone of my arm, I need the bone.” FURY!

The two others were just sleep-with-and-lose-interest cads.
They were from on line communities rather than dating services. On line communities can be a safer bet if people know eacher in it and you have been on it enough time.

Blossom, “contempt” is another character distinction of spaths. They demonstrate contempt for people that haven’t even done anything to “deserve” it. Add that one to the list of “Red Flags!”

The first abusive exspath demonstrated contempt for my compassion and empathy, and even MORE contempt when he abused me and I was a quivering pile of humanity. But, it was a sort of “gleeful” contempt that, in retrospect, chills the spine.

As far as online dating sites, it’s a hotbed of sociopathy – I haven’t heard of one person (literally) that I know, personally, that had a long-term, healthy experience.

Brightest blessings

Tea Light:

I am finally getting to these posts as I was busier than usual the past two days.

Thank you for making me realize it is different. I was the abused one only trying to get answers and closure, but there are so many similarities that it made me question. x

skylar:

I just had an AHA! moment after re-reading your above post. Perhaps spath didn’t want to give me closure because that would almost mean that I had done the discarding by closing it?? He didn’t want me to have the last word and by me getting closure that would be equal to me getting the last word?

I did see it as a love affair (at least on my part). I was only something to pass his time. He was doing anything to not feel empty and I was the next one who he thought could feel his void. It’s Oxy who has said they think the next one will be that magical one who will finally make them feel whole. I think even if they did find that, they would run because it would scare the hell out of them. What do you think?

As far as acceptance, I have finally accepted it, but that’s what hurts…that’s where the hurt comes in. I think the really hard part of healing comes after acceptance. 🙁

slimone:

Oh, dear. No worries, seriously, but there are more things you said in your post above that also made me think what I was doing when I was trying to get closure was just craziness.

When you talked in paragraph six above about how when you did give him a chance to talk he would only say all these things and project….geez, that is almost what I feel like I did with spath, BUT…it’s only because I felt he pushed me to it with the way he was treating me. I wanted closure so badly, but he would give me the silent treatment and would stonewall me and that pushed me to then accuse him of things that may have not been true, but that is the way I was perceiving it due to his actions. A horrible, vicious circle. So once again, I feel like I was doing what your spath was doing!!! UGGHH, I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but in some ways I do.

When you said you only knew him for eight weeks, that was also the case with me. We really only went out for about that length of time…a bit longer perhaps…between eight and twelve since it started to become so intermittent, but I can’t help that in that short time I fell in love with him. I even acknowledged the fact with him that I realized it was only a short time, but that’s not uncommon. I think if we love someone, we know pretty quickly if we do or not. I also realize that “true” love takes time to grow. Anyway, I think because it was so fast, he, like you, saw it as “weird.” Actually, I know he did. SIGH.

Yes, I do feel like I bugged him longer than I should have and because of this, I humiliated myself. I am sorry for that, too, but I cannot change the past. That is why I finally once and for all went No Contact. It was the ONLY way I could even begin to heal the damage and become a long distant memory for him.

Oh, I do know who I was dealing with, but in my mind, I thought the more I persisted, he would finally cave. I say this because I saw him cave to other people when I was with him or he told me stories of him caving into other people’s demands so I thought I could do it, but I could not and then that just added MORE insult to my injury because I felt what is wrong with me?? Why can’t I have any influence over him especially when he KNOWS how much I felt for him? It really made my self esteem plummet.

Thanks for your post as it really made me do some soul searching…

Lou, all, do you remember where this is from? ”It’s Oxy who has said they think the next one will be that magical one who will finally make them feel whole. ” , is that a post, or maybe it was a comment? I’d like to read the post if it’s a post.

Lou, I’m betting he only ”caved” to those with power over him i.e. bosses, or his wife if she could take the house or custody of any children. I bet he never ”caves” otherwise, as what we normals call ”negotiating” and ”compromise” i.e. the concrete of healthy relationships, is ”caving” to the paths, i.e. surrender, defeat, weakness.