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After the sociopath: Being heard, being validated

Last week I posted two articles related to the Vienna Presbyterian Church in Vienna, Virginia. Between 2001 and 2005, as many as a dozen teenage girls may have suffered sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse from a church youth director. This year, the youth director was long gone, but church leaders felt that the wounds had not be properly addressed and healed. So a few months ago, the pastor and church issued a public apology.

Lawyers for the church’s insurance company warned the church not to accept responsibility for the failings of the youth director.  Doing so, the insurance company said, would jeopardize the church’s coverage in case a lawsuit was filed.

The Vienna Presbyterian Church ignored the demands of its insurance company. On March 27, Pastor Peter James preached a sermon that acknowledged the church’s failings.

“Let me speak for a moment to our survivors,” he said. “We, as church leaders, were part of the harm in failing to extend the compassion and mercy that you needed. Some of you felt uncared for, neglected and even blamed in this church. I am truly sorry ”¦ I regret the harm this neglect has caused you.”

Guess what—so far, none of the young women has filed a lawsuit.

Why not? The case would be a slam-dunk. The youth director pleaded guilty to contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  The church accepted responsibility. Several of the now young women have trouble in relationships, because they are still seeking the fantasy that the youth director promised. If they filed suit, they’d win.

My guess is that the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed.

Invisible damage

The problem with sociopathic entanglements is that so much of the damage is invisible. Even in cases where we lose money, jobs, homes, and are subject to physical violence, the big wounds are not readily apparent. Before all those obvious injuries occurred, the sociopaths softened us up with emotional manipulation, psychological control and spiritual abuse. These internal wounds not only eat at us, but they make it difficult for us to respond to, and recover from, the obvious physical damage.

After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it.

They don’t understand why we need to talk so much about what happened. They don’t understand how, when we suspected that we were being used, we allowed it to continue. They don’t understand why we are still confused in our thoughts and emotions about the sociopath.

Get over it, they tell us.

These are the people, of course, who are lucky enough to have avoided a direct assault from a sociopath in their own lives. We often understand why they don’t really understand what happened—after all, we were once as clueless as they are. Still, their ignorance of the depth of our pain seems to increase our pain. We feel like we are not being heard, and our suffering is being invalidated.

Debriefing

Karin Huffer, in her book, the Legal Abuse Syndrome, describes this situation in detail in her chapter on “Debriefing.”

Debriefing, she says, is the first step in recovery. In the debriefing process, we tell someone exactly what happened to us, in all the painful detail. Unfortunately, it’s hard to find what Huffer describes as “quality listeners.” These are people who have the ability to hear what we have to say, overriding their own protective filters. She writes:

Protective filters are always at work. If an individual begins to share with another and the data threatens the listener’s feelings of safety, they may try to divert the data or simply not hear it at all ”¦

The function of this protective filter is to maintain the equilibrium of the listener. Victims’ stories shake the foundations that we lean upon in order to feel safe. When it is impossible for friends or family to hear, due to their protective psychological filters shielding them from vicarious pain, the victim feels rejected and alone.

Huffer goes on to describe a formal debriefing process. It’s best done with a quality listener or support group, but an individual can do it alone if necessary.

Support at Lovefraud

I believe that we have many, many quality listeners on Lovefraud. I am always amazed at the thoughtful, comforting and patient comments posted in response to readers who are spilling their traumatized guts.

The reason Lovefraud readers can do this, of course, is because we’ve all been there. We know what it’s like to be deceived, betrayed and assaulted. We know what it’s like to sit amidst the wreckage of what was once our lives. We’re all on the path to recovery, and those of us who are further along help those of us who are just beginning.

Healing, in the end, is an individual journey. To fully recover, we must consciously excavate and examine our pain, and find a way to let it go. But the process is helped immensely when we are heard and validated. I am so glad that Lovefraud offers this to so many people.

 


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664 Comments on "After the sociopath: Being heard, being validated"

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lovefraud seems a uniquely supportive community made up of many, many ‘interested listeners.’ studies have shown interested listeners, quality listeners, can be as effective as therapists at times (vanderbilt study). excavating the pain and dealing with the wreckage is difficult and tiring. being heard and validated is immensely important, should we be so fortunate to have people in our lives who can hear it, want to hear it, and have a genuine interest in our well being. thank you for providing a forum for this process.

I second what “changed” has stated, above. All of it’s meaning, in it’s entirety. Although I have been utilizing therapy as a tool for recovery, and I do think that my therapist has been very helpful, I have found that a handful of my friends, as well as my family and lovefraud, have been the most powerful components within my healing process. In turn, I am now able to be “there” to full capacity, in all of the “right” ways for a friend of mine who has just begun the healing process in the aftermath of a relationship with a Sociopath. I am so grateful for all of the help, care and love that I have received here from everyone. Thank you so very, very much!

God Bless the Pastor at the Vienna Church…
Thank you for this most Positive article, Donna…

Lots of Love…
Eden

Donna,

Excellent article and the point of VALIDATION is sooooo important!

I think the most painful thing For me personally was the lack of validation.

In medicine, I have found that “99.9%” medical malpractice suits are because the medical practitioner refuses to validate the person’s loss or their own mistake.

Personally, I think the church made the right decision to acknowledge the problem….even if people did decide to sue, it was STILL the right decision, denying the truth is NEVER a valid point in my mind.

Thank you for this great article!

Donna

Really great article. Many of us struggle with professional therapists who just don’t get it. That says a lot.

The support I have at LF is bar none. it has made a huge difference in my life.

I screwed up my *NC* strategy earlier this week and I’m feeling bad. I’m not so much beating myself up for a relapse – those things happen – I just really want to stop being SO SELF DESTRUCTIVE and I don’t know WHY I AM BEING SELF DESTRUCTIVE and HOW TO STOP.

He’s taking my energy, my time, my thoughts, and I’m letting him. I am SO TIRED OF IT AND MAD AT MYSELF.

Superkid

Donna, I can’t thank you enough for all the good work you’ve done on the part of women who have been victimized by sociopaths. And even the small percentage of men too.

Thirty years ago when I was victimized it was a man’s world. There was no Love Fraud to vent to or come to for peace & solice. I was alone and on my own. I can remember how bad my head was messed up for 2 years. It took me that long to come back to my senses. I can remember trying to get counseling and the countless male psychologists who treated me just like another bitter divorced woman instead of one who had been victimized by a sociopath.

Even though I am probably 99.9% healed I come here to provide help to others who have been in my shoes. Besides that, I find comfort & peace in this site. I see so many of the same stories I experienced many years ago. I hope that I can encourage the younger women to move on and know that you can get past this and love again and find the right relationship.

Keep up the good work. And God Bless you for the way you have helped others.

Joanie

superkid10,

As you have said… screwing up No Contact can happen, in the beginning. You have made great strides! It takes time to get them out of our thoughts, and to stop depleting our energy. You are starting over again with having No Contact, and that is what is most important. Time + No Contact= HEALING. And the more we heal, the less space they consume in our heads and in turn, the less of our energy they drain. Keep on keepin’ on! You are doing great!

E

Donna:

This says volumes:

“After the sociopath, we need to purge our emotional and mental pain. We need internal stability. But when we reach out for help on this level, many of the people around us simply don’t get it”.

I have found tremendous healing on Love Fraud. I want to say thanks for doing what you do.

Yes there are very supportive people here, those who have been through the pain and suffering. Some have more years experience and some have only one month with a spath/narc. Heck one day with one is enuf to blow a persons mind to hell.

Even tho there are times that regular posters have moments of insensitivity and lack of discretion (and I include myself) we seem to know that it comes from being triggered mostly. It is my hope that we don’t kick another when we are down but rather give a hand to bring others up. I believe that is the ethos of this community as a whole.

Thanks again Donna for creating (and maintaining) a space where the wounded can come and let it all out no matter how ghastly it is. Just knowing that maybe my story can help just one person makes it a valued experience.

I am very happy that there truly is life after a spath and that there are GOOD men out there. I don’t have so much of a need for LF at this time as I have met a wonderful, kind, loving, normal guy and we are happy! But time to time it is nice to touch base with you all here. I am sure the triggers are everywhere. He is in recovery also so he knows and understands.

God Bless LF’s for listening and understanding when I so disparately needed validation and an understanding ear.

Adamsrib

This statement made me burst into tears: “the women don’t want money. They want to be heard. They want to be validated. And they want to be healed”

Exactly. Heard, Validated, Healed. Worth more than any money.

Echoing others, Donna: this site is the ONLY place I’ve seen that happen. I know there are other sites, but you do not allow abusive attacks and that makes this a safe place of refuge There is truth and that can hurt but it’s necessary. Truth is not abusive. Truth is the path through pain. Bless you from the depths of my healing soul.

KD you are so right BUT when we are hurting, the truth, if it is used as a club, can be counterproductive and yes it can be viewed and felt as abuse. This is why I believe we must do what ever it takes to hold on to our sensitivity when we are here because so many of us are so very wounded. I like the way the article uses the concept of listening. This is key, I believe.

I am not wishing to start anything just having a say.

Good day to you.

This site is the only place where I can be heard too. It helps so much to listen to other people and hear their stories. It helps me take the focus off of only myself and realize that others have been through so much worse than me.

People who haven’t been through a spath don’t realize that it’s not so easy for us to just stop talking about it. We have to be able to process it and deal with all the fallout. So much additional stuff has come out of me since I’ve been here-as far as prior spath abuse. I would have kept on bottling up my rape for God knows how long and not dealing with it. I would have let all the stress kill me.

I am so thankful for this site and everyone on it.

Yes AdamsRib, Truth can be a club. I was trying to draw a distinction between abuse and truth. (I’ve been told I need an editor!) And that sometimes we do need the truth in order to heal. But that truth must be spoken with compassion, not with cruelty.

Sometimes though b/c people are hurting, remarks are interpreted to have a meaning that was not intended. That’s not the same as abuse, or even as acting without compassion. That’s just normal response to pain. For myself, to say I hurt was an open invitation to invalidate. Not here. Not this site. People here know that

adamsrib: it’s problematic to use ‘tough love’ via the internet. additionally, one person’s ‘truth’ isn’t always the same as another person’s ‘truth.’ our lives are way too mult–faceted…very hard to know what is objectively true anyway, and humbling to realize how complex we all are. i agree we need to be mindful of our own and others’ sensitivities amongst the raw and wounded here.

🙂 me too. I desperately need an editor! I’m American but from an ethnic community and I express myself in ways that sometimes is misunderstood but I am trying to better that.

I agree 100% -truth is needed for healing! Presenting the truth in a gentle compassionate way is an art that I have not yet attained.

I have enjoyed conversing with you.

Take Care!

Hello Joannie,
I’m sure your post was well-intended. But I hope you can appreciate that, for those of us who have been spathed by females and not by males, your comment was itself very invalidating.

I think it’s important to consider that it appears that the percentages are so ‘off’ because even on sites which are validating to survivors of sociopaths there is still a good deal of unconscious (and sometimes conscious) invalidating and slandering of men, and minimizing of the consideration of female sociopaths (as in Oxy’s post about the book “Cold-blooded Kindness”).

I know that there are times when the over-exuberant “all sociopaths are men” theme gets going I certainly stop coming here. I can only imagine how reluctant most men would be to expose their inner turmoil and post here. And how angry at women in general they might feel when they don’t see anyone stepping up to stop it. Which is a shame. Although Donna’s personal experience was as a woman victimized by a man, all of her writing and research is open and balanced. Same thing applies to Dr. Leedom, btw. I would hope that more of us here would follow their lead.

Last I checked, a path is a path. That has everything to do with their behaviour, and nothing to do with their gender. We are sooo careful these days not to offend so many groups. I just don’t understand why, on a site about human exploitation, we can’t extend the same courtesy and consideration to men.

So I would personally appreciate it if the LF posters here could tread a little more softly when it comes to gender-stereotyping. And for those who do (which is the majority) you have my gratitude and thanks.

Edit: I didn’t mean to infer that Oxy minimizes the consideration of female sociopaths – far from it. What I meant to say was that the book she reviewed explained why that is dangerous, and far too common for society’s good.

Thanks for starting and maintaining this community Donna. This place is truly priceless; I genuinely appreciate the supportive atmosphere and the wonderful people here. It definitely is a healing place. Blessings to all.

Annie,

I have experienced both female and male sociopaths ( the first was female, actually ). I don’t think the proportion of people who have been targeted by female sociopaths is any less. I hope you do not feel invalidated in any way. Kathy Krajco has been a great help in putting to rest the misinformation regarding gender stereotyping and sociopathy out there I believe. She makes some excellent points in this article : NPD? A Male Disease? An Adult Disease?

So if you feel invalidated in any way I would urge you to check that link out. I think the reasons as to why female sociopaths may fly below the radar more easily is because of preconceptions of women in society ( amongst other things, as Krajco pointed out in her post. )

I know a lot of articles may use masculine/male pronouns in describing S/N/Ps perhaps for convenience’s sake, but I know and acknowledge intrinsically that these monsters come in many forms, and is not even remotely exclusive to males. Nor is the damage inflicted any less.

An excerpt from the linked article :

” In my own slice of the world, the ratio is 50-50. And in my own understanding of the disease I see no reason why men should be any more prone to it than women.

But I can think of many reasons why male narcissists are exposed as narcissists more frequently than female narcissists are. Put another way, I see many reasons why female narcissists get away with it more often. Could it be then that women are under-represented in the statistics?

It sure could be! In fact, because of this we must presume that women are greatly under-represented in the statistics. And you can’t just chalk this up to the fact that men are more likely to use their fists than their mouths. For, the only narcissist I have observed physical violence in is an extremely violent woman who had everyone but those who had seen her with her mask off thinking she was a regular Mother Theresa.”

– Kathy Krajco

I_survived_The_Bastard

This is so true. I’ve tried on many occasions to explain to people just how devastating it was and however well intentioned they are they just don’t ‘Get It’

Thank you, Annie and Kathy — you’ve expressed my feelings, as well. This is the only place I have to go to where I could feel validated, but sometimes when I would like to participate, comments made about men turn me away. My wife did not rape me or physically abuse me (though she did drug me the night she left so she could steal my things), but the emotional and spiritual abuse was considerable, and I fear the damage done to my psyche may be permanent.

Any general bitterness towards men expressed here has a different effect on me and, I surmise, on other male victims who are just as hurt and vulnerable. I don’t express misogynist feelings because I know they are misplaced emotions and hurtful to women who’ve been traumatized by their men; I just wish the reverse were adhered to a little more often. As Annie writes, “A path is a path.”

I don’t often comment, but I felt I had to respond with a “thank you” this time. I am, as far as the world is concerned, well over my (luckily) short brush with a sociopath. I mostly think I am over it (nearly 2 years ago). Then something triggers a memory, or someone says something that sets the warning bells going again. For everyone else, it was an amusing period as they watched the penny drop for me – they were all taken in as well, but you’d never think so from their 20-20 hindsight! But the scars remain.
For example : I recently went out on a date with someone and he (innocently?) handed me his business card, saying “that’s to prove I am who I say I am”. I nearly fled in panic! I had been there, fallen for that …

My radar is now working overtime and I realise I am reducing my circle of “friends” as I become less tolerant of any misuse of the friendship. I don’t like the person I have become – wary and untrusting – but I was far too much of a doormat and too eager to please – in fact, the textbook “victim”.

One sad result is that I have lost a very good friend who has a new boyfriend I just don’t trust. I was involved with him when he did some work on my house and I discovered he was lazy, cut corners, refused to take responsibility for anything, fiddled his bills – an all-round not-very-nice person … I made the mistake of saying to her daughter that I hoped she never saw the side of him I had seen (I probably wouldn’t have done that before my experience). This has deeply upset my friend (I wonder if she knows deep down I am telling the truth?) and she now refuses to talk to me. A big case of shooting the messenger! I can only wait and pick up the inevitable pieces …

So, thank you again for being there x

As I said earlier this week… this site reminds me a lot of the group therapy I once had regarding ID-crisis. We were all traumatized in our identity for different reasons, but we were all “listening” to each other. The minimum period usually was 1.5-2 years. So in the course of that period, people were able to debrief part by part a lot.

I went for dinner at my parents yesterday. I mostly talk about it to my mother. My father may respond too protective when I debrief. She used to be a social worker so she has a professional ability to listen.

She asked me yesterday what I was mostly angry about. I had to think about that for a while and said; the fact that 2 years of my life (which for me means opportunities) have been wasted, not just because of incompatibility, but a deliberate set-up and lies.

It’s not just stealing someone’s heart, not just stealing someone’s finances… but stealing time for a hopeless case.

Annie I didn’t mean to minimize the impact of victimization on the male psyche do to the female sociopath but it appears they are few men posting on here about their experiences.
I have read a thread from “godlike productions” entitled “whores from hell” where the men vent about their experiences with female socipaths so maybe men feel more comfortable venting on an all male forum.
Also men are taught to suck it up and hide their feelings which could explain why there aren’t more males venting on here.
I’m very grateful for this site and the anonymity of the internet in general. Maybe in the past the statistics have been wrong and the only reason more people are coming out of the woodwork is because on the internet you can remain anonymous and discuss how you were conned by a spath
something people would be reluctant to do in person in a group setting.
Lovefraud is one of the most cruelest forms of deceit one person could inflict on another because it destroys the human spirit.
Those of us who have been hurt will eventually heal but at the same time it’s an experience we’ll never forget. It destroys our belief in human kind that most people are good at heart with the exception of the sociopaths. It takes years to recover from. I hope I haven’t offended any one here because of my prior post but it seemed when I was looking for psychiatric help many years ago I came off as the nut job and the reason was my brains were scrambled by a sociopath. And as others here have said you can’t explain it to someone who has never experienced it.
I had a male cousin who married a woman and was divorced shortly after. He went into a deep depression and was like a “zombie” for a few years and now that I look back on it I bet 10 to 1 he was a victim of a female sociopath.
Joanie

Superkid,

I too recently relapsed with my NC. He triangulated me last week with his newest victim and I went back with him only to “stick it to her” for the nasty things she was saying to me. Now that I’m broke again until next payday (bought him cigarettes, beer, gas, etc., what an idiot I am!) he’s back with her and I feel like I’m starting from scratch again (although I don’t feel nearly as devastated as last time, so that’s a good sign I think).

Worse, the only two good friends I have left, who have stuck with me for 5 years of this bull****, are backing away after this last relapse. Neither have been victimized by spaths in a relationship, and no matter how hard I try to explain, they just don’t get it. I don’t blame them for losing faith in me but it will just make it that much harder to maintain the NC without other supports.

I just feel like SUCH a fool for being taken in again, believing his lies when I really knew they weren’t true. I’ve heard it said many times that loving a spath is like being under a magical spell. That’s so true.

My new therapist, luckily, is well-versed with psychopaths so I’m finally getting the right treatment.

Anyway, hope you can get out again soon and hopefully this time, for both of us, the NC will stick for good and there will finally be light at the end of the tunnel…

one/joy_step_at_a_time

i posted a few times yesterday about what was going on, and i could use some support. i am wrecked today. my muscles are aching and and my body is swollen. head is fuzzy as hell. this is all the affect of the chemicals released into my body from the crazy boy acting out yesterday. that drama lasted for hours. i even have these huge circles under my eyes – which means that my liver isn’t happy either.

i came home late and his light was on, so i guess his mother didn’t take him out of here. why the hell not?

This is my first post, but I want to thank all of you for helping me during my recovery from the devastation wrought by a female whatever you want to call her. Sociopath, malignant narcissist, or just really selfish, manipulative, unfeeling woman. It is a day to day struggle dealing with the disaster resulting from this relationship, but the folks on this site have given me wisdom, insight, strength, and a few laughs along the way. Thank you Dr. Anderson and thanks to all the regular participants.

I am with you all. My friends never gave me any support either. They just do not get it because it didn’t happen to them.

I want to thank you, Donna, for the tireless work you do. I’m glad you created a safe haven for all the abused. I still read a lot, just don’t post much. I’m 6 years spathole free. In some some ways I’ve been able to heal, others not so much. I may be as far along as I’m ever gonna get. I have the awfulest nightmares about him, the hell just seems to go on forever.
Keep putting your healing words out there!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

going to keep posting until i get some response; i need some connection. Kim? somebody?

One/Joy ~ I haven’t been around, but I’ll try to help if I can. What’s going on?

One-what’s wrong? I’m going into counseling in five minutes but I want u to know I hear u.

Hi Onestep. I’m sorry you’re feeling crumby, today. How can I help?

You’d need to be taken for a ride by a non wanted spath, like a boss or a teacher of the last subject you’ve pendig for your degree, to forget about the luuuvely, romaaantic one!

LOL and laughing out on the floor…my arse. I don’t remember the last part 😀

sstiles54 says:

“spathole”!

Love it. ROFL. Best term yet for the creeps.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Hi Kim – my schizophrenic nighbor has been inraveling for awhile, and yesterday he lost it – i was not in immediate physical danger, but it went on and on for hours – threatening notes to neighbors, dumping stuff out his windows, the police, the mental health team being here…then i saw him carting things off into the woods as I sat at my desk looking out the window – random stuff – big rocks, rakes, wood, a big gallon of something…i finally gave up and left the house.

my ptsd is triggered. i cancelled my meetings today. my body aches all over i feel really dull because of all the chemicals the stress released in my body, and my damn ‘stranger danger’ was triggered. should have seen the look i gave the weird guy at the bus stop last night.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

i just spent the last few minutes on the phone with the woman i know who deals with stress via supplements and vitamins and we ran through everything i should take. i had already taken most of it, but the magnesium sulfate (inside and out!) is helping with the aches and pains.

i don’t lknow what is happening with this guy – his light was on when i came home late last night and i had thought his mom would have taken him out of here. i work from home, so this is shit. this is the same guy who freaked out over a year ago and they moved him out….then they moved him back in this march. have been watching the weird behavior escalate. i need to know what is going to happen now. one of my neighbors will be here in about an hour and i will ask him. i know that if i call the landlord they won’t tell me shit, because they don’t like me.

To Donna and all my Love Fraud friends:

A song from Grace Griffith, “My Life”

the simple joys and experiences can be the most healing…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUG3mc-sQeg

Thank you!!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

omg – i just heard the questionable child minder who lives up the street tell the kids to ‘touch with their eyes, not their hands’ as they walk through the woods. god forbid they get some dirt on their hands or break a stick.

oh, and here comes crazy boy -fuuuuck.

Onestep, yeah, I would be triggered too. He sounds very unstable and that makes him scarey. Could you possibly ask the police what is going on? Ask them what you can do to protect yourself?

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Kim,
my neighbor will probably know more than the police (as the crazy boy’s parents would have talked to them last night) and he should be home soon. I talked to the police lots yesterday, and they told me what they could and could not do.

I am not so worried about my physical safety – but perhaps i should be. i do have mace. (which is illegal here) andi will carry it and my cordless phone when i step outside. the hard part is getting this shit out of my head. i am well and truly triggered.

I am going to do a few things in the house, until the neighbor comes home and i can talk to him, then i am going to go for a long walk to the water and just breath a bit and take care of myself.

Yeah, what Kim said.

I would think that keeping the police involved with what’s going on with “crazy-boy” would be to your advantage. Especially in the context of asking for advice on protecting yourself from him.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

thing is, he is schizophrenic there is no way to tell what will trigger him. no way could i fight this guy and win. he is big, and crazy. so avoidance, quick phone to the cops, and mace are where i am at. that mace is illegal is moot. (and i am not going to walk around with a can of oven cleaner in my pocket.)

Avoiding this guy sounds like the BEST idea when possible. I too, would use the mace if necessary. When it comes to protecting yourself from the crazy, illegal just don’t matter.

I could see carrying a can of that wasp spray that Oxy talks about. Hey, if the stuff shoots 20 ft that’s a pretty darn good distance! A person would have to keep it in a fanny-pack or something to make it convenient tho.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hope to heal – talked to the neighbor, and the crazy boy’s mother came by and she said she was going to talk to the police about what she can do. she knows what he is like. she moved him back into the building. guess she didn’t want crazy in HER house. she’s not so un-crazy herself.

I am going for a walk now to take care of myself and find some balance.

Yea, One, I keep my FANNY PACK with all my “essentials” —my epi-pen for my wasp sting allergy in case I get stung—-my car keys (thanks Aussie girl for that suggestion) my cell phone and my “peace-maker”) when I am out and about on the farm.

Wow, I would be freaked out if I lived near someone like that, too!!! I wish I could get you out of there!!!

This site has helped me so much, I can’t even put it in words. It validated my feelings, my analysis, my fears, my pain/hurt, and my NC.

I was doing all this alone. I went for cousneling, asking her, help me, I am still trying to figure out what has happened here, I still didn’t understand, exspath can do such low thing to me, how can a profrssional, polished person can do this to his wife.

I was totally lost, I thought I came to conclusion that whatever is gone is gone, what do I need to do in the future, what do I need to watch out.

She smiled after 3 minute of my explainign what has happened, and said dear you were conned by a sociopath. Beleive me this was the first time I heard the word.

And my life took a different route. I read about control freak, N, everything in last many years to understand him, but never thought about sociopath, Boom he fit there.

My freinds and family can’t understand that. They heard me so many time last many years, that repeating same thing with new label doesn’t interest them. They all say you are strong and have job, children, you have so much going on for you, just forget the past and MOVE ON.

After few sessions with therapist, didn’t know what to tell her. Same stories didn’t mean anything. I thought I need to just process all this myself and hopefully will heal in the process.

This site has become my savior. I see myself repeating things here, some times people ignore what I wirte, sometimes I get some feeback,which is good, at least it lets to get thingsout of my system.

What I think we all need something positive going on for us to look forward to life. Many days I concentrate finding positive things inmy life.

For example:

If spath would have been with me today, I would not do this, which I enjoy most, I can go anywhere I want without making him upset, I can enjoy my time with children, without him putting his nose in evertyhing, I can cook whatever I want and don’t cook if I DON”T WANT. I can get sick heapily and lie in bed for many hours, without having paninc attack, I need to cook, I should not be getting sick. I can talk to my parents, whenever I want, I can have my sister over.

In short, “I HAVE FREEDOM TO LIVE”.

I smile, intentionally, children notice that, say mom you never smiled before but you do now. I do go through set back daily, but according to my cousnelor, engineers are impatinet people and they want things to get fix right away, have patience, and I am learning to have patience in my recovery. I am allowing myself to feel sad about the loss of dream, to feel irritated for no reason, feel good, feel bad.

Just one last thing, one big validation came to me was, I put No Contact with him, not because I read somewhere or somebody told me to do that, I did it on my own, because I felt this is the only way I can survive. I have one rule in life, I would not go where I am not wanted.

one-I guess if mace is illegal than so is a loaded glock. I never heard of mace being illegal. Keep your eyes and ears and open. I am so sorry that you have to go through that. I almost wish we could go back to the days of institutionalizing those people-just make better regulations about how they are treated. Mentally ill in that form is dangerous unpredictability and they are the kind of people that make the cops nervous too. They put them in the hospital and get them on meds and then they get released-either can’t afford the meds, or hate the side effects, or just decide they feel better and don’t take them. Then before long they are psychotic again and the whole cycle repeats itself. If someone does commit a crime and they have a diagnosable condition like that then they should be locked up. Their families are afraid of them too and don’t want them around. The one in my old building was like that-except she never went off like this guy you’re dealing with. She did start screaming at the guy downstairs though once for no reason.

2bcop ~ Mace is illegal for the average person to carry in my state. Law enforcement are the only ones that can legally have it in their possession. Pepper spray, on the other hand, is perfectly fine.

I find it rather strange that it IS legal to carry a handgun, but not mace. Seems to me one is deadly and the other is not. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against carrying a handgun either. I just think that self defense, period should be legal.

H2H-pepper spray is as good as mace. Cops in my city carry pepper spray and they have to get sprayed with it in the academy to be able to carry it-one of the things I have to look forward to. That stuff is nothin nice in the eyes. I would much rather get hit by the taser I think. Our cops carry tasers too. I am permitted to carry a handgun and it does make me feel safer, although I don’t carry it all the time.

2bcop~ Yeah, I had a pepper spray tested by a friend on the sheriff’s dept & he said I would be more than safe with that. It is some WICKED stuff! I don’t really know anything about tasers, with the exception of what I’ve seen on TV, they don’t look like much fun either. I don’t carry my handgun along with me, but I do have it easily accessible at home. I live in a rural area, and self-defense is pretty much my ONLY defense. 9-1-1 works out here, but it generally takes awhile before anyone shows up to help.

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