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Here goes – my therapist has told me not to post online because of the predators that are on the internet, but I really need to say this somewhere. For my whole life I have been involved with one abuser or another. This most recent one literally woke me up. I had no idea I was even being abused to be honest. I’d heard of narcissists but did not realize what they were. I was having such a horrible time after he so humiliatingly discarded me for another woman he wanted me to have a poly relationship with and questioning why did I want him back so badly after he’d hurt me so much when I asked out loud to my sister “I wonder if you can get addicted to narcissists?” So I googled that very question and found the hideous answer to that and much more. I read that narcs are all alike. Every story the same. It’s true, my narc could very well be anyone’s -the stories are so similar – and he wasn’t the first I was with by far. So I have been struggling terribly not to text him that I miss him. I think of it all the time. It’s been 67 days since I initiated any contact with him and I would think that after all I’ve learned and all the books I’ve read and the aha moments and the clarity and the pain that by now things would be a better. My friend said you were with him almost three years, two months isn’t enough time to erase him from your heart. I suppose that is true, but yet I still feel awful that I can’t let go. I am trying to forgive myself, and know that’s it not my fault the brain was so addicted to narcissists and all I can do is keep doing what I’m doing but I feel like I would die from relief if I got a message from him. Maybe I am just lonely, I don’t know. Today I wrote a list of the horrible things he did to me. Just general things, examples would have been too painful. Maybe that will help me keep NC. I think this was the final discard but the anxiety of wondering if and when he will show up again sucks.
Hanging on,
Passi -
Hi Passi,
Yes, I felt the same. Addicted and abandoned. I would ruminate about the good and the family we built which he just threw away when he threw away me. We were married 27 years and I still struggle with sending him positive thought and having conversations with him in my head. But I am such a happier person now, 6 years later. I understand wanting out of a marriage but how he did it and when he did it was just cruel. And that is why I do not contact him. I feel sad for him but I refuse to invest one more second into his games he plays with people. And you are right about the showing up. He will call. Finally after 6 years he is getting the picture and it is less. But that is how I picked my name for this site – love to you –
stopbuggingme -
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Passiel – Yes, these relationships are very addictive. That’s why staying away is so important. The longer you stay away, the stronger you become. Know that he will never change, so it’s up to you to decide that you will never take him back.
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The way you feel is normal and natural. It sounds like you are doing a great job keeping NC and working to get over the bad experience of his abuse, and to grieve the lost love you felt for him. Your sister sounds like a good supporter to you.
If you block him on your phone and everywhere else, avoid people who know him, and politely tell anyone who mentions to you what he’s doing or anything else about him that you’d rather not talk about him; you will not even know if he tries to make contact with you. Just knowing that he can’t email you or call or text, may remove a lot of that anxiety about him contacting you.
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In my experience, when spaths know that they can no longer deceive and manipulate their victims, they usually move on to easier prey. They often check in, sometimes years later, to see if the victim is vulnerable to be exploited again. When you understand his motives clearly and are strong enough not to be lured back in, he probably won’t contact you. If you’re in a vulnerable time in your life, ie having experienced a loss or the like, he may turn up. They have an uncanny ability to sense a vulnerable victim.
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