A Lovefraud reader who posts as "Mani" asked a question that I'm sure is of interest to many others, so I'll address it in a blog post. Mani writes: I was one of the children who lived with a psychopath for a long time. I fought all my life not to let him a part of my personality. In comparison to what I was exposed to I think I have been successful. But is there anybody out there who can shed more light on the effects of a psychopath father on children, particularly boys? I know there is tendency to label these children as secondary psychopaths but I haven't seen anybody talking about the mechanics of it. And I am sure all these children don't become secondary psychopaths. This is a …
Sociopaths make terrible parents, not truly concerned about your wellbeing. These articles are for, and by, people who lived it. They may comfort you.
Emotional incest and enmeshment in narcissistic families
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., BSC/MT Since Joseph was very young, he lived with his mother, father and grandmother, as well as several other older siblings. Joseph’s mother was always controlling. Any time Joseph protested the demands she place on him, she said, “I’m the mother, and what I say goes." And the demands were relentless. Instead of allowing him to socialize with his friends, she wanted him to stay home so she could always monitor him. Never mind the fact that she did not even interact with him while he stayed in the house. All she needed was for him to be present physically. Joseph’s father was a workaholic and was never home — which enabled him to avoid confronting his …
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Sociopathic Abuse and Impaired Executive Functioning Skills
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., BSC/MT What are executive functioning skills? As a behavioral therapist, I work with many clients who have impaired executive functioning skills. The term sounds pretty fancy and quite technical, but there is a simple explanation. The term executive functioning skills refer to a set of management skills that assist children and adults in achieving their goals through: prioritizing organizing remaining focused regulating emotions As children grow and become critical thinkers, it is necessary to be able to adapt to change and have the ability to revise strategies to reach personal, social and academic goals. What happens when executive …
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Growing up in a narcissistic family—is it abuse?
By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.ED BSC/MT “Be who you were created to be, and you will set the world on fire”—St. Katherine of Siena Admitting abuse, especially by a family or family member, is extremely difficult. Families are supposed to be safe havens where you are loved unconditionally and respected as an individual. Being treated poorly is not normal. Those who are abused in families tend to make excuses for the abusers, especially abusive parents. To come to terms that abuse is taking place in your family is to admit the unthinkable, that you were never loved. So how can know you are part of a narcissistic family? What happens in a narcissistic family that makes it abusive? Please …
Claudia Paradise, LCSW: How to talk to kids about an absent daddy
Lovefraud received the following question: Can you address absent sociopathic fathers and how to respond to a young child who has begun asking about him? My 4-year-old has started talking about her “daddy,” who she could not possibly remember. The last time she saw him was when she was 2 and the total time spent with him in her lifetime has probably been 12 hours total. I have cut things off with him entirely since his last visit. Anyways, lately she pretends to call him on her toy phone, or tells me that her daddy is going to pick her up from school. I think all this talk has stemmed from her best friend at school, whose dad comes to pick her up every day. Not surprisingly, none of …
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How psychopathic parents create complex trauma in their children
By Dr. Kathy Ahern An earthquake strikes in the middle of the night. A four-year-old child is trapped in a demolished house. She is left without food or water, help or support for three terrifying days. In a different city another child the same age is neglected by her self-absorbed parents. They ignore her cries of hunger and fear for three days. Years later, the earthquake victim suffers no ill effects from her experience. The child who was physically and emotionally abandoned grows into an adult suffering from complex PTSD. The physical and emotional traumas were identical. So why the difference? Betrayal. The neglected child was dependent on her parents. She needed them. She …
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Learning that her father was a lying, cheating sociopath
When she discovered her father, who had always been her hero, had been conducting extramarital affairs for decades, Jasmin Rosemberg, wondered if she had inherited his traits. A journalist, she wrote about her fears on LennyLetter.com: "What if I'd inherited his inability to commit, his desire to win and dominate other people rather than connect, his incapacity to truly feel and love?" The pain of her discovery, she writes, quite possibly saved her. Following in a sociopathic parent's path, on LennyLetter.com. …
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Quelling is not coping — how my siblings and I dealt with our sociopathic mother
By Eleanor Cowan In our family of ten children, our main objective was not to recognize the gross abnormalities of how we were treated, but to quell them. When a storm erupted, we’d leap into action. Unpredictable rages meant that we, Mother’s children, speedily grouped to control the situation and do as needed to quiet her distress and end the drama. Lightning-fast signals fired between us: “Storm clouds overhead,” I’d say, or “Hurricane Warning!” If Mother was revving up for a full-scale crackdown, “Earthquake! Earthquake!” would be whispered as we gathered our younger siblings to dash outside or hide in the basement. Usually, one of us would front the voluble outrage, the insults and …
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Pawns: How psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists view their kids
Psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists are incapable of love — even for their own children. According to Business Insider, Perpetua Neo, a psychologist who specializes in these personality disorders, says: "Narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths do not have a sense of empathy. They do not and will not develop a sense of empathy, so they can never really love anyone." Neo says that some of her clients were told by their disordered parents that, "The only reason I had you was so you could take care of me for the rest of your life." Why psychopaths cannot love their own children, according to a psychologist, on BusinessInsider.com. Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader. …
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How, as a child, I was groomed to be a people pleaser
By Eleanor Cowan “Shut your big mouth and buzz off!” my mother exploded at me as she slammed a boiling hot cloth against my brother’s face – her cure for his chronic swollen acne. “Do you know how much money your pimple treatment costs this family?” screamed mother. Pressing on another steaming square, she ignored Gordie’s pitiful cries. Slightly taller than my mother, my brother’s strong-muscled arms trembled at each side as tears streamed down his face. A capable teenager, he could have landed her on the kitchen floor in an instant. Or, he could have run. But Gordie knew the drill. The Fourth Commandment. "Honor your Father and Your Mother." He knew what would happen if he disrespected …
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