A Lovefraud reader who posts as "Mani" asked a question that I'm sure is of interest to many others, so I'll address it in a blog post. Mani writes: I was one of the children who lived with a psychopath for a long time. I fought all my life not to let him a part of my personality. In comparison to what I was exposed to I think I have been successful. But is there anybody out there who can shed more light on the effects of a psychopath father on children, particularly boys? I know there is tendency to label these children as secondary psychopaths but I haven't seen anybody talking about the mechanics of it. And I am sure all these children don't become secondary psychopaths. This is a …
Sociopaths make terrible parents, not truly concerned about your wellbeing. These articles are for, and by, people who lived it. They may comfort you.
Claudia Paradise, LCSW: How to talk to kids about an absent daddy
Lovefraud received the following question: Can you address absent sociopathic fathers and how to respond to a young child who has begun asking about him? My 4-year-old has started talking about her “daddy,” who she could not possibly remember. The last time she saw him was when she was 2 and the total time spent with him in her lifetime has probably been 12 hours total. I have cut things off with him entirely since his last visit. Anyways, lately she pretends to call him on her toy phone, or tells me that her daddy is going to pick her up from school. I think all this talk has stemmed from her best friend at school, whose dad comes to pick her up every day. Not surprisingly, none of …
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How psychopathic parents create complex trauma in their children
By Dr. Kathy Ahern An earthquake strikes in the middle of the night. A four-year-old child is trapped in a demolished house. She is left without food or water, help or support for three terrifying days. In a different city another child the same age is neglected by her self-absorbed parents. They ignore her cries of hunger and fear for three days. Years later, the earthquake victim suffers no ill effects from her experience. The child who was physically and emotionally abandoned grows into an adult suffering from complex PTSD. The physical and emotional traumas were identical. So why the difference? Betrayal. The neglected child was dependent on her parents. She needed them. She …
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Learning that her father was a lying, cheating sociopath
When she discovered her father, who had always been her hero, had been conducting extramarital affairs for decades, Jasmin Rosemberg, wondered if she had inherited his traits. A journalist, she wrote about her fears on LennyLetter.com: "What if I'd inherited his inability to commit, his desire to win and dominate other people rather than connect, his incapacity to truly feel and love?" The pain of her discovery, she writes, quite possibly saved her. Following in a sociopathic parent's path, on LennyLetter.com. …
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Quelling is not coping — how my siblings and I dealt with our sociopathic mother
By Eleanor Cowan In our family of ten children, our main objective was not to recognize the gross abnormalities of how we were treated, but to quell them. When a storm erupted, we’d leap into action. Unpredictable rages meant that we, Mother’s children, speedily grouped to control the situation and do as needed to quiet her distress and end the drama. Lightning-fast signals fired between us: “Storm clouds overhead,” I’d say, or “Hurricane Warning!” If Mother was revving up for a full-scale crackdown, “Earthquake! Earthquake!” would be whispered as we gathered our younger siblings to dash outside or hide in the basement. Usually, one of us would front the voluble outrage, the insults and …
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Pawns: How psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists view their kids
Psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists are incapable of love — even for their own children. According to Business Insider, Perpetua Neo, a psychologist who specializes in these personality disorders, says: "Narcissists, psychopaths, and sociopaths do not have a sense of empathy. They do not and will not develop a sense of empathy, so they can never really love anyone." Neo says that some of her clients were told by their disordered parents that, "The only reason I had you was so you could take care of me for the rest of your life." Why psychopaths cannot love their own children, according to a psychologist, on BusinessInsider.com. Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader. …
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How, as a child, I was groomed to be a people pleaser
By Eleanor Cowan “Shut your big mouth and buzz off!” my mother exploded at me as she slammed a boiling hot cloth against my brother’s face – her cure for his chronic swollen acne. “Do you know how much money your pimple treatment costs this family?” screamed mother. Pressing on another steaming square, she ignored Gordie’s pitiful cries. Slightly taller than my mother, my brother’s strong-muscled arms trembled at each side as tears streamed down his face. A capable teenager, he could have landed her on the kitchen floor in an instant. Or, he could have run. But Gordie knew the drill. The Fourth Commandment. "Honor your Father and Your Mother." He knew what would happen if he disrespected …
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Forcing kids to bond with parents they don’t want to see
Sometimes, in high-conflict divorces, children do not want to have anything to do with one of their parents. Many Lovefraud readers have seen their sociopathic ex-partners turn children away from them. They call it "parental alienation." But sometimes sociopathic parents fabricate claims of parental alienation in order to pry children away from the other parent. They claim the other parent is intentionally poisoning the kids against them, when, in fact, it is their own abusive behavior. It can be very difficult to know what is going on and who is the abusive parent. But a new industry has sprung up — programs that claim they can reunite children with a parent whom they don't want to …
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An inside look at sociopathic callousness and betrayal
In a post on Yahoo!, here's how a woman describes her mother: She was a woman motivated solely by money and other shallow luxuries of life. If her husband spent 17 days of a month out of the country, signing huge deals, it was only to bring to his beautiful (on the outside) wife all the extravagances he knew, she had an eye for - perfumes from Paris, dresses from London, and lipsticks from New York. My father was basically running errands to populate my mother's closet, in the guise of business meetings. While her husband was on these business/shopping trips, the wife entertained another man in her bed. And the woman telling the story well, the whole scenario affected her, although …
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There are Degrees of Conscience and Empathy
Hello. I'm Helen Beverly, an author and psychotherapist who writes under the name H.G. Beverly. I was married to a psychopath for over a decade and am still dealing with the challenges of raising our children “together” in a society that struggles to deal with psychopathy. I've written some posts about those challenges that you can find archived here on Lovefraud. Also, I published my memoir, The Other Side of Charm, in 2014 and am now releasing my next book one chapter at a time. You can find it here and on my blog at hgbeverly.com. It's called My Ex is a Psychopath, But I Am Strong and Free. This book details my healing journey despite failed systems that left me in constant contact with …