Chapter 1-wow! You’re an amazing guy!It all began innocently…my daughter’s halloween party invite which happened to include an invite of his daughter too. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined the horror insanity and chaos we were about to embark on.
Well where do I start? I guess right from the beginning.
1999
I was 31 when I met the most handsome charming man in the world, I had travelled well, I used to be a holiday rep abroad, so I thought I was a pretty good judge of character……..
I met him on a night out with friends, on a Saturday Night, we talked all night long, I even went back to his place (no funny business) and we talked all night there too!!
According to Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, romantic love is an addiction. The drive to find a romantic partner is buried deep in the brain, and biologically intertwined with the brain’s reward system, which is linked to wanting, motivation, focus and craving. To hear Dr. Fisher explain this, watch the video.
Dr. Fisher points out that when you love someone and are rejected, the addiction is worse. Not only do you continue to feel the intense romantic love, but you love your beau even more. Your love becomes an obsession. It turns out that the brain system associated with rewards becomes even more active when you can’t get what you want.
Photo by Alon
Editor’s Note: Lovefraud received the following email from reader Victimcindy. Donna Andersen responds after the letter.
My first relationship, after my 18-year marriage to a sociopath, was to a borderline personality disordered (BPD) man. Do you find this common as the disordered traits are opposite in some areas? We think we are getting something new and healthy.
Spath vs BPD: sex
My spath-ex withheld sex as power. The borderline was highly sexual. My spath-ex was charming, but lacked empathy and was emotionally unavailable. He also abused substances, was opportunistic with casual sex outside marriage and secretive.
Victoria and Emile Cilliers.
Emile Cilliers, a British army sergeant, was convicted last week of attempting to kill his wife, Vicky.
The two were avid skydivers, and in April 2015, he tampered with her parachute before a jump. She fell 4,000 feet, but miraculously survived.
Earlier in the week, Emile Cilliers damaged gas fittings in their home. If the gas had exploded, it would have killed Vicky and their two children.
But even though the court found him guilty, Vicky Cilliers can’t believe her husband was capable of murder. Read this story:
When she was in high school, Sophie was seduced by her female teacher into a sexual relationship.
When she was 40, Donna Andersen, author of Lovefraud.com, was seduced by a sociopath who scammed her out of a quarter-million dollars — for starters.
Both women tell their stories on IndoctriNation is a new podcast by Rachel Bernstein. Rachel is a Los Angeles therapist who specializes in helping people escape cults and cult-like relationship.
Sophie’s interview is first. Donna’s interview starts at 29 minutes.
IndoctriNation Episode 6 — Narcissistic seduction and manipulation with Donna Andersen and Sophie, on Soundcloud.com.
For more than two years, I’ve shared my story and relevant insights here once a week.
That’s coming to a close. My book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath chronicles my marriage and the painful lessons learned. My book, Narcissists, Sociopaths & Wolves includes a summary of some of the warning signs of being in a relationship with a sociopath. I hope the excertps I’ve shared from them have been helpful.
I didn’t know.
Sociopaths are fueled by our reactions to them—so sociopaths trigger our emotions. What are the signs this is happening?
Looking back on my unwitting marriage to a man I now believe is a sociopath, I realize that some of the warning signs that I was in a relationship with a sociopath were changes in my own behavior. My book, Husband, Liar, Sociopath chronicles that marriage and the painful lessons learned. My book, Narcissists, Sociopaths & Wolves includes a summary of some of the warning signs of being in a relationship with a sociopath.
Confusion over common courtesy, typical use of language, and purposeful misrepresentations
If you find yourself in conversations that come down to common courtesy, common understanding of language, or purposeful misrepresentations (especially if the language used creates a misunderstanding but is not an outright lie), get out, and get out fast. Sociopaths are masters of:
The result is that you get tied up in knots just trying to agree upon the basic facts or “normal” human behavior. This is a warning sign! Most people want to communicate effectively and resolve conflict. But sociopaths often do not share these goals.
Signs of a sociopath: Double standards (continued)
After a sociopath has won you over , things start to change that erode “you” and shift the power to the sociopath. Looking back on my horrible, unwitting marriage to a man I have come to believe is a sociopath, one of the things that emerged was double standards. At first, our relationship seeming loving and mutually respectful, but over time, things changed drastically.
Eventually, he expecting me to honor all commitments to him even when circumstances had changed significantly, but he felt free not to honor his commitments to me.
Donna Andersen is author of three books, including Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath, and is program administrator for Lovefraud Continuing Education.
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