Sociopathic behavior, or not?

Thank you for your insight, passiel. I had to look up ASPD, since I have no background in this area. But yes, it sounds like it could fit.

What I’m wondering now is whether D could be projecting her own traumas onto me. She admits to being “anxious” and “hypervigilant.” She often ascribes this to the pain of losing an admired grandfather at age 2, and being told that he had merely gone away.

But on further reflection, this story does not ring true to me. Two-year-olds lack the mental and emotional development to understand death and loss. Most people are unable to remember anything from when they were two years old.

It was only a few weeks ago — three years into our troubled relationship — when a different childhood issue came up. D said that my tendency to withdraw from verbal escalation reminded her of her mother’s moody silences. I replied, “But you got along with your dad, right?”

D answered, “He kept photos of my younger sisters on his desk at work. But not mine.” This remark stunned me. In my experience, women who had a troubled relationship with their father sometimes project it onto a romantic partner.

Then I wondered … just wondered … if something more traumatic had happened between D and her father. Something that led to her frequent projections of shame or a dark past onto me, when they don’t fit.

At one point, D had scheduled a session with an EMDR therapist to treat what she called PTSD. Her ostensible reasons were the traumatic losses of her grandfather at age 2, and her mother to suicide in her 30s. But now I question whether these stories are just the publicly presentable tip of a deeper family iceberg.

I guess I’ll never know, because our relationship is too broken now to discuss such personal topics. But in an effort to explain it to myself, I do ponder whether our situation was an example of the counterintuitive, but all too common, case of an abused child growing up to be an abuser herself.

Thanks; appreciate the kind words.

Today as I opened the front door to leave for a business meeting, D said, “I made some hash browns for you. They’re in the fridge.”

This came as a complete surprise, since I’ve been on my own for meals for several months. Having no time to think about or discuss this unexpected gesture, I replied neutrally, “Okay.”

As I’m closing the door, she loudly says, “You’re welcome!”

In the past, this would have left me feeling bad. Now I’m starting to suspect it may be artful manipulation … offering a random kindness when I’m rushed and distracted, then laying on the guilt when I fail to respond with the expected effusive praise — and knowing that I’ll have all day to savor the sting of her parting remark.

Am I being unfair? Or am I being toyed with?

Thank you. It really baffled me to be continually asked about childhood abuse, criminal record, drug addiction, etc. when they didn’t apply.

Tried to rationalize it as “trust issues” on her part. But now I see there is another dynamic at work.

Starting to read Margalis Fjelstad’s Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. Any other recos will be much appreciated.

One more thing. On two different occasions, after brutal arguments that left me feeling verbally battered, I retreated to another room and sat slumped against the wall, head in hands.

To my astonishment, I heard the click of D’s phone camera. She was photographing me in my dejected state, like a huntress who had bagged a lion.

This behavior was so creepy that I never brought it up. Now I feel stupid for not recognizing it as a red flag warning of serious pathology.

Thank you, Annette. I saw the term “Gray Rock” somewhere, but didn’t know what it meant. This was helpful.

I have made plans to move out next month. Until then, I am staying as invisible as possible, avoiding discussions unless really necessary.

I had wanted to rationalize D’s unflattering candid photos of me as just bad behavior or poor taste. But an incident about a month ago, in which she threatened to “report me” to out-of-town family members, made me realize what she might have in mind.

When I responded by saying I was leaving the house and going for a walk, she threatened to report me to the sheriff’s office as a missing person, warning that I would be charged for the search. This was not a realistic threat, but it certainly made her disturbed state of mind clear to me.