Emotionally trapped

Hopefully, those of you who have been long time members will remember me. I went off the grid for a short time but I’m back and am in need of some emotional/mental strength. Brief summary: I’ve been in this marriage, which is toxic for me, for six years. As most on here know, the first one or two years with a SP are heaven … magical. Then it’s not. Then it is again. Then it’s not. When it’s not, it’s mind-raping. I started moving out two and half years ago – actually bought a house – but was reeled back in and stayed, although 75\% of my personal belongings are in storage (I never moved the items back). I’ve been working on fixing up the house, i.e. painting, refinishing the floors, etc. since then. The marriage relationship has not improved. The lies and keeping things from me, and the lack of empathy, have continued. I’ve learned over the years not to “rock the boat”, so I do not confront him about anything, not even the lying … he’d twist it around to where I’d be second-guessing myself anyways. I made the choice those years ago not to put myself through that anymore, so I keep quiet and maintain the façade of being happy and content. He is none the wiser … has no clue. He believes the relationship is fine. But it is not for me. I’ve been contemplating and planning my departure for quite some time – not only in the physical sense but in the mental sense also. Or so I thought. Emotionally I’ve been gone a long time ago. I know I need to leave this marriage … this SP … I know this … all the signs are there that he’s a SP … God has provided me with many signs that I should leave … so, why am I struggling with taking that step?!?!?!? This should be an easy move … the majority of my things have already been moved out … we do not have joint ownership of anything … no shared personal property … no children together. My family is very supportive … they know this relationship is so not healthy for me.

About a month ago, after discovering more lies and deceit, I made arrangements with my sister and brother-in-law to help me move out on night my SP was working. I was not telling my SP because … I just can’t. When I first was moving out two years ago, and I told him, he begged me to stay … cried … made promises, etc. I do not want to go through that again. It’s not that I’m afraid of what he might do to me physically; I’m more afraid of the number he’ll play on my mind/emotions. I need to leave without him knowing. Well, when that day came, I just couldn’t do it. I felt SO guilty … doing something behind someone’s back … that just isn’t me. So … I cancelled out and stayed put.

It’s now a month later. About a week or so ago, I discovered more lies and deceit … little things but still lies and deceit … and once again, I felt fed up and said to myself, “Enough is enough! I’m done!” And again, got in touch with my sister and brother-in-law and made arrangement to make the move tonight while the SP is at work. And, here I am again, wanting to cancel out … I am scared to death … my heart is racing and I want to throw up. I feel like I’m doing something I’m not supposed to … something sneaky. My sister is losing patience with me, and I don’t blame her. I’m like the boy who cried wolf. Just talked with my daughter who is very supportive of me leaving, however, doesn’t like that I’m leaving without the SP knowing. I feel emotionally trapped. I can’t breathe thinking about leaving without telling him especially since he thinks/believes the marriage is going great, and I can’t breathe thinking about telling him that I’m leaving. I want to leave … I need to leave … I don’t know how to leave (mentally). I’m one of those highly sensitive people who feel bad/sorry/guilty for everyone, regardless.

PLEASE … I am in desperate need of guidance and support and encouragement. Thank you!!