Hoovering – It feels so sincere…

My ex-husband/narc is still in my life despite the advice of practically everyone and now I find myself in an awful situation that has left me sleepless and depressed and just a mess.

When we first got together, we were best friends. We went to high school together, our lockers were right next to each other. We lived in the same neighborhood. He and his brother were friends with my brother. We would walk around the neighborhood at night in our pajamas, talking about our goals and dreams of becoming great artists. We’d sneak over each other’s house and watch movies. We sit together at the bookstore for hours just reading together. He’d play music for me at the music store. He followed me to the city where I went to school. I was so lonely there and he changed that. We would walk around the city until the wee hours just talking and following our urges. Having adventures. And even when I left school and moved to not the greatest place and struggled to find employment, he stuck with me. We were even homeless together and it only brought us closer. We were in good spirits the whole time and celebrated every day we managed to survive.

Things only got bad when we were forced to move in with his violent, incredibly manipulative narcissistic mother. I had no idea he came from an abusive upbringing until I moved in there and saw it with my own eyes. I think what really tore us apart was that he blamed my failure to find work post-college for putting him back in his mother’s crosshairs. She would it him, spit on him, threaten him if he didn’t behave as she wanted him to. I fought for him and it put a bullseye on my back and she started attacking me.

And the more I pulled on him to leave, the angrier he got at me. She was guilting him into staying to be her surrogate husband and I was forcing him to choose himself. And he resented me for it and they both started attacking me. Her, emotionally and verbally and him, verbally, emotionally, sexually and then, finally physically.

I was a shell of a person when I left. I looked terrible and I felt even worse. He had just become so cruel. I remember being pregnant and he told me that me and his whole life with him made him unhappy. Then, five seconds later, he asked me how his shirt looked with his pants. I went and cried in the closet and he came and found me and said he loved me with a smile, like it was a game or something. He would say things like he never should have married me. That he didn’t love me and felt no romantic chemistry at all, and then, he would take it back and say we were soulmates. I would disagree and not even in a mean way, then he would say he wanted a divorce and he would say it with a smile on his face like he knew it was hurting me. Then, he would walk around the house ignoring me with a smile. He would fly off at the handle over silly things like giving him a fork instead of a spoon and then, came the silent treatment again.

And he had so much rage. I would ask him to watch our daughter so I could work, since I was the bread winner and he would get in my face and tell me “F your job!”. And he started throwing things at me and using physical violence and yelling to get me to shut up during arguments. And he was flirting with a number of women online. Had launched a smear campaign against me with his family toward the end and triangulated me with his mother throughout.

And he pretty much ignored our daughter while I primarily raised her. And when he felt me leaving, he tried to get me pregnant without my consent. Turning off the light and having sex with me without protection without telling me. Even when we ALWAYS wore protection. The only time we didn’t was when we both sat down and consciously decided we wanted to have a child. So it was completely out of character for him to do that and when the lights came up and I asked where the condom was, he smile and said I didn’t wear one. I thought you knew. It was horrifying and felt like such a violation. I went out and got plan B right away and didn’t talk to him for weeks. I should have left then but I didn’t have the support then.

But contrasting that guy at the end with the guy at the beginning, you can see why I’m so confused. And now that he’s gone back to being the guy at the beginning, now I feel a pull to be with him and at the same time, the urge to run away from him. I have no idea who he is. Which one of them was real. And it makes me very sad to think that the first guy was a fake. I’m in denial I think and I won’t let myself think it because it was the most beautiful time in my life. And now he’s back and seems to want to get back together (even though he has a girlfriend). And now, we’re in this emotional affair that is also making me feel guilty but it feels right when I’m with him.

I need help.