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I’m new here and at my wit’s end. I’m not sure if i’m even on the right website but here’s my story…
I started seeing a guy in January via a dating app. Things were completely wonderful, we had this amazing connection he swept me off my feet. The next 5 months he was very much making all the moves but i absolutely loved it! Texting me all the time, telling me how amazing i was, wanting to see me lots, the sex was amazing! It was like a fairytale! A couple of months into seeing each other he had asked me if i was seeing anyone else and I said no. He replied ‘good, me neither’. 5 months into seeing each other I brought up the question ‘what is this? Are we in a relationship’ etc. He went completely cold on me saying he couldn’t commit to anyone because he’d been so hurt in the past. That i was the perfect girl for him but he just couldn’t commit and he didn’t know why. I was really upset but actually felt sorry for him.
We stopped seeing each other for a couple of months but carried on messaging a lot. Every so often he would say he wanted to see me or for me to go over and cancel on me at the last minute. He would still send me messages telling me how amazing i was etc. In the end, for my own sanity I broke contact with him because I was so in love with him and it hurt. I told him how i felt and he said he was devastated but he understood.
3 weeks into no contact (which was tearing me apart), and he sends me a message out of the blue ‘can we meet for a drink, only i’m really struggling in myself and you’re the only person who understands me and who i can talk to’. Firstly I was over the moon that he had contacted me, and secondly I really wanted to see him. So i went to meet him for a drink, and he said he needed advice about the girl he was seeing! I was completely gobsmacked, he had told me he couldn’t commit to anyone, he knows i love him – why is he asking me this!? His new ‘girlfriend’ is his boss at work, 10 years older than him, and married (but it’s ‘effectively over’) and has a child.
We slept together that night. And since then every time we have met up for a ‘catch up’ (about every 2 weeks or so), we end up sleeping together. It’s not just about sex though, he cuddles me on the sofa, says i’m the most amazing person he has every met. Messages me every single day. Every time I bring up the fact that what we’re doing is wrong he says ‘it’s up to you if you walk away but obviously i’ll be devastated’. He writes me cards telling me how proud he is of me etc etc. I’m so confused.
Last night he had a fall out with his girlfriend, and messaged me to tell me so? Then a few hours later said ‘don’t worry it’s all sorted’ So essentially he probably spent last night telling her how much he loved her etc to get over whatever ‘argument’ they had. Yet he slept with me last weekend?
Please help me and let me know if he is a sociopath and what i should do. I love him so much and he says he loves me too but i just don’t know what to believe i’m driving myself insane 🙁
Thank you xx
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He probably is a sociopath, but whatever you call him, it sounds like he is making a lot of excuses, saying things to keep you hooked that don’t make sense given his behavior. He says he loves you, but that apparently doesn’t mean to him that he wants a committed monogamous relationship nor does he want to spend time with you consistently. He does not care about your feelings nor your well being in general.
He will continue to take advantage of you and he will continue to use whatever tactic will work to keep you available for him. You love him because you are a good person who is capable of love, and because he manipulated you into thinking that he cares about your well being. You love the person he said he was, you may not love the person he really is.
It is unlikely that he will ever change, and it is likely that he has told you lies that you may not have discovered yet. The best thing you can do for yourself is also the most difficult – have no contact with him. It is very very difficult, like breaking a strong addiction, but you will feel better sooner if you have no contact with him. It is also more painful and frustrating because sociopaths do not give closure. They will always try to keep their victims on a string. They never were really in a relationship and they never really end a relationship. They just go to and fro exploiting people and saying a lot of words that don’t have real meaning.
It sounds like you have got him figured out, and that you are thinking clearly. Reading about sociopaths will give you more useful information to decide if this guy is good for you and deserves you. You deserve a relationship with an honest man who loves you and appreciates you.
Take care.
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He probably is.
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He sounds like one to me as well. I know its hard to let go…I’m going through it as we speak. They know our weakness and exploit them and hurt us to the core. He is not healthy for you.
I’m speaking to myself when I say NO CONTACT
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I hope you have a support system to leave.
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