New to the Site; Obsessed with Him

I am trying to get free from a 7 year relationship. I’ve been “no contact” for 2 days, but I still can’t stop thinking about him. To support no contact, I’ve been cell phone free and facebook free from 43 days. It has helped. What has helped the most though was educating myself by mostly reading and re-reading books. A couple I recommend are Psychopath Free and Exorcism/Purging the Narcissist from your Heart and Soul. I know it is very hard. I keep thinking about him then I remind myself of what all he has done and still I took him back. No more! I can’t live the rest of my life this way. I hope you will get there too.

bamboozled – I am so sorry for what you both are enduring. It is always very difficult to end an involvement with a sociopath. This is doubly true for you because you are also dealing with cancer at the same time.

Please understand that involvements with sociopaths are addictive. Literally – they cause addictive behavior. What you are experiencing are withdrawal symptoms – withdrawal from the sociopathic drug.

There are quite a few articles on Lovefraud explaining the addiction. Please put “addiction” in the search box at the top and you find some of them.

The key is to treat this like an addiction. 12-step programs emphasize “one day at a time.” When you’re just starting, you may want to cut that to “one hour at a time.” Promise yourself that you will not contact him for 1 hour. When that is done, go for another hour. Eventually promise yourself you will not contact him for 1 day. Then another day.

The longer you stay away from him, the more the grip of the addiction will fade. But if you relapse, you will have to start all over again.

The true test of someone’s love is how they treat you when you are sick. Obviously, this guy has failed completely. The best thing you can do for yourself is leave him behind.

Bamboozled, I am so sorry you are going through so much all at once. I also was ridiculously in love with an NPD/Sociopath who treated me horribly because it was always all about him and what he wanted. He never did anything I wanted to do and was never there for me when I needed him. I also got the silent treatment for no reason or he would pick a fight so he could disappear for days on end. Each time we got to a good place he would create chaos again. I know he was out seeing others because he once came back, after just randomly disappearing, saying, “other women don’t turn me on.” And his justification for seeing other women was “we weren’t together.” It didn’t matter that we weren’t together because he just stopped coming over or calling for a few days. He finally left me for good last May and did so very cruelly. I, like you, was so lost and hurt without him. We spent all our time together doing what he wanted and I stayed in bed sobbing many days. 3 months after leaving me he married someone else he barely knows and moved across the country where he was not living with her because her 17 yr old daughter did not know they got married. Red flags!

I also found this site through Zari’s book. I have read a LOT of books about NPD and sociopaths including the ones mentioned above. They have all been extremely helpful! The first one I read stopped me in my tracks and had me in tears wondering how my life was put into print, right down to exact phrases that were used against me frequently. Keep reading everything you can find on the topic!

I was a mess in many ways. I went from being a very strong, independent, highly educated, professional to a depressed, lost, crazy person. I also thought about suicide. I was already on anti depressants and I finally had a friend recommend a counselor whom I called that day! No contact was very hard throughout that time but I had no choice. He made it clear I was not who he wanted in his life. It was devastating to me.

I joined several groups through Meetup.com and began my own social life with strangers who became new friends (I didn’t have any where I live.) Those people have become some of the dearest friends and most important people in my life! Some of them have been through similar relationships and we support each other. On a whim one day I went WAY outside my comfort zone and booked myself on a cruise through SinglesCruise.com. THE best decision I ever made!! I made sooooo many new friends all over the world and will be going on another cruise in a couple of weeks with two of the ladies I met on my first one. Many of us keep in touch daily through Facebook. I also met a wonderful man on the cruise who is the COMPLETE opposite of my ex. He is loving, affectionate, kind, sharing, patient, etc, we are working on a long distance relationship and I still have moments of freaking out and wanting to run away because I can’t fully trust anyone yet. I am getting there. I still have times of missing the jackass who took over my life and then decided he didn’t want me. I shouldn’t! But, like Donna said, it is an addiction. Cravings still come. When they do, because they come with the good memories, I immediately pick up one of my books and start reading again to remind me of how sick he is!

You will get to a good place again but I am worried about your comments of feeling suicidal, taking lots of sleeping pills, and staying in bed. I totally understand but it is not safe. Please seek clinical support. Talk to your doctor, be honest about your feelings and what you are going through, see if he/she will prescribe antidepressants and find a good counselor who understands this type of abuse. Surround yourself with family, old friends or new people to fill your time and can be supportive. I have to make a point to NOT talk about what I went through and move forward making new memories and living in today, not the past, because people get tired of hearing it and it just keeps me down in that ugly part of my life that I want to erase! So, keep reading, talk to your doctor about antidepressants, go to counseling, travel, and make new friends are my recommendations. I wish you luck and know you are not alone!

Bamboozled, I just read your messages above and want to reach out and tell you that you are in the right place. Donna made this website for all of us as we have so much in common in dealing with people with personality disorders. Keep reading through this site, it will change your life. I promise you that!

Hi Bamboozled! First I want to say that you are not alone. You have support here. I just joined today thanks to Zari’s book too. I felt like I had no one to talk to because everyone kept telling me (last year) that you are better than him, just move on, and so forth. No one understood, because from the outside he is a man. IT is simple to walk away from a normal man because they don’t make you feel crazy, they don’t want drama. It is a mutual break away. Anyway, your friends and my friends/family don’t know what he does behind closed doors. I met my Narcissist at my last job two years ago. He was my supervisor. Last week, he just told me, “You are mine and you need to do as I say.” My situation is different because he has been with a woman for 18 years and has four kids with her. When it suits him he has a wife just to piss me off and he hooked me by convincing me he was single. I pushed him away for the first half of 2015 and he wouldn’t leave me alone. Right now as I type, I hope to go no contact because he only contacts me 1x/week and I hear nothing from him. It is as if he is just checking in to see if he still has control over me. Grrr. He contacted me yesterday and now there is silence. Deafening silence! It is scary to go no contact and it will be painful, but I can only hope the strength that I know I have will rise up.

I am sorry that you are going through such hard times. I wish you the best as well. You will get to a good place again as need2heal stated. You can’t look into the future with today’s pain. That is a motto I came up with last year because in late 2015 my father died and in 2016 my mother died and then I was trying to mourn my relationship with this man. I thought couldn’t live with out him. So yes, I felt hopeless and for the first time in my life, I didn’t want to go on. Plus, he would use me. Five days after my father died, he didn’t care that I was mourning and came around just for sex. Anyway, I have a good therapist now that I can have a conversation with that is void of judgement. I think you would benefit from a therapist as need2heal mentioned. I do know why he isn’t returning your calls, but it is because I educated myself on NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder). I believe if you educate yourself it will also occupy your time and you will find strength as time goes on. All the answers you are searching for are at your fingertips.

The book that Jaybird mentioned is by the author HG Tudor, he is an Elite Narcissist and he has his own website http://www.narcsite.com as well as a channel on YouTube called “Knowing the Narcissist. If you want to know what you are dealing with and what that guy is thinking, watch all of his videos. When you want to text the guy in your life, watch a video. He has several. I do and it has shed some light on many many things. Keep us posted on your progress.

Bamboozled, I hope you see you’re not alone in this struggle. Thank you for being open to sharing your heart and thoughts. I initiated N/C with my husband after finding out the truth about him. It’s hard to stop talking to someone that you shared 7 years with. I still struggle with the reality that the Love was one sided. Reading has helped me put some things into perspective and try not to handle it as a Love thing. Now that I know it wasn’t love on his part I am starting to separate the illusion from the real. It’s not easy but with help, support and knowledge it will be done.

Hello Bamboozled,

Firstly, I am very sorry you have breast cancer. I recently (within the last 2 yrs) had same with multiple surgeries and chemotherapy. I hope whatever treatments you require are going well, and that you are keeping up with what is important…Getting better.

I want to say that YOU did NOTHING to MAKE him ignore and manipulate you. I know you have pointed to your ‘over texting’, etc…Here’s the deal. MANY of us acted in pretty extreme ways before we really got what was actually happening. And many of us have dealt with a significant amount of shame around some of our behaviors. But it is honestly part of what these types strive for at some point, with all of their victims.

They all grow bored with the love-bombing, sharing phase, and at some point they move to the ‘negative emotional responses’ phase to get the biggest bang for the least amount of effort on their part. This way, all he has to do is ignore you and he gets a TON of your emotions and reactions to ‘feed’ off of. It is literally like food for these people, when we give them love and attention, and then when bored, our panic, fear, anger, and reactions. This is how they play it. They always, ALWAYS, move to make the situation more and more negative and explosive at some point. They have to keep ‘upping the ante’ so that they can get more drama from us. They thrive off of conflict and drama. The love-bombing is just a set up to get to this more desirable phase. This negative phase is much easier for them, as it takes much less effort than pretending to love us.

You have not ‘ruined’ anything. This is happening because this is what he is making happen. He likely doesn’t even know that this what he does. But believe me, I don’t say that because I think if you tell him he will change. I only say it to point out that this is so automated in these types that they do it without thought. They are truly robotic in their most basic behavior patterns.

The ‘shell’ or outside props they use to present as certain kinds of people can vary. But under all that facade the behaviors are very easy to spot and predict, once you understand them. And only the PROPS change from time to time, depending on who they are bamboozling.

Think of them as poop cakes, with really varying and pretty icing covering it all up.

Bamboozled,

Just one more thing. He doesn’t have issues with ‘cancer’, because of his past experience. This is you helping to normalize his reprehensible behavior. AND, even if he was a normal man who had ongoing grief issue r/t to the loss or suffering of someone he loved…..a NORMAL man would still be there for you. I guarantee you that.

Dear bamboozled, no matter how handsome, charming, funny, or occasionally wonderful this guy seems on paper, his behaviors show he does not love or cherish you. You deserve much better than this, but it’s difficult to see it when you are caught up in the addiction. It can take some time, but once you have broken the addiction, you will see things more clearly. One of the things I’ve read about cancer is that we all have potential cancer cells but if our immune system is strong enough, we can fight it. Your relationship with him is likely contributing to your weakened physical state. So that’s a really good reason to stay away from him. Also, I want you to know that I would never judge you for getting involved with someone who is separated and waiting for divorce. The sociopath I dated was in the same situation, only he was lying and had no intention of getting a divorce. I’m guessing there are many lies and deceptions going on with yours too. Just remember that even if he does come back, it will be to play games with you. Please be strong and don’t fall for it.

After I recovered from the sociopath and had the clarity of mind to set some boundaries for myself, I made it a policy just not to date any separated men or even any who were fresh out of a divorce. There are very good self-protective reasons to do that, but of course, sociopaths can be so charming and convincing. I know. I’ve been there. (((hugs)))

In her book The 5 Step Exit Amber Ault talks about thought eviction and accepting that you can make choices about what you concentrate on.

Bamboozled,

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with in your life right now. It sounds like he is not contributing to your health; it sounds like he is causing a lot of anxiety and stress in your life. It sounds like you understand that it is best for you to stop interacting with him, but you’re having a difficult time getting through the moments of weakness that come upon most of us when we ended contact with someone who was exploiting us in a relationship.

It sounds like he does not care about your well being. It sounds like he has made promises to you and broken them. You might consider that things he has told you that you have relied on may not be true. He may have no intention of leaving his wife, he may not be sleeping in a separate room, and he may be cheating with other women.

It sounds like he is actively playing games with you. He will probably try very hard to manipulate you back into the relationship pushing every button he knows will work on you. You might consider not reading his emails, nor listening to his voice mails. Consider making a plan in your mind as to how you will politely avoid him if you run into him somewhere, and what you will do if he shows up at your home.

If you get a restraining order, you cannot legally contact him as well as preventing him from contacting you.

When I felt desperately like contacting my ex psychopath, I would write an email and not send it. I knew I could send it anytime, but once I sent it I could not take it back. Almost always, once the craving passed, I didn’t send it. I kept them, and they are like a journal record of my path to get away from his influence.

You can be proud of yourself for accepting that you need to end this relationship for your well being, and for the time you have successfully had no contact with him. Once you get over the hump and maintain no contact, you will feel better. From what you describe, it sounds like he is sadistic, and harmful to you.

Hi Bamboozled,
I totally understand what you feel, I would like to share with my own experience, maybe it can help. Just forgive my grammar mistakes as I’m not a native English speaker.
Four years ago I fell in love with a friend of mine but at time we were both in a relationship and we started to be lovers. I felt terribly bad about what I was doing but I couldn’t help at all at staying away from him. Finally I broke up with my husband and became his mistress. He treated me awfully, with absolute disrespect, he didn’t even need to lie to me because I was totally crazy for him. So he felt free to tell me not only about his girlfriend and his plans to live with her, but also about his affairs with other women, including prostitutes. Any chance he had to show how much he despised me he got it, blaming me for everything and having no interest at all about my feelings. He popped up just to have sex and then came back to his life and his terrible jokes against me. Things didn’t get better when his split with his partner, he carried on in that way, and the more I tried to give up the more I found myself in that addiction.
Then we came to a point of no return: I became pregnant. I wasn’t strong enough to have an abortion, furthermore I bore the baby of the man I loved. But I lost my job because of pregnancy, because I was working for a cruise company. Well, his reply was (literally): I don’t care about the baby, I don’t mean to stay with you, but let’s keep on having sex. So we did, even when my belly begun to grow. Until once he behaved so badly with me that I decided to do not call him any more. He didn’t call me either. I spent the pregnancy alone. I gave birth alone in the hospital. I started nursing the baby with the help of my parents: she is a girl, but she took a lot from him so her face reminds me of him. He contacted me once wishing to have sex again, as I refused he disappeared again.
When I finished my money I asked him for help: first he said no, then yes, then live me alone, then I will help you, then you spoiled my life, then I will bring you no money but some food, then you are a fucking anti-abortion bitch, then we could go back to meet again, then I prefer to be criticized by everybody than having to do with you, then you really disappointed me but I want to visit the baby. I am a single mother with no job, I’ve been diagnostic with depression, I’m under-weight and can’t sleep at night, trying by all means to go on and taking care of my baby.

With all that, my obsession with him didn’t end, but the feeling of desire is becoming more and more a feeling of rage. I hope this is the beginning of the cure. That man is evil. Better, it’s me, I have been so sick to allow him treat me like that. You are in a similar condition. A man that doesn’t care about your cancer but looks for you when he needs sex doesn’t even consider you a person, just a genital organ. He treats you worse than a prostitute, as with here there is at least a commercial deal. And it’s you that allows him to do so. Your self-esteem is so low that you believe you deserve it and you justify his behaviors. What you need to do is to acknowledge that you suffer for a sickness, but you already did. You seem more worried about your soul sickness than about than about your cancer and you are entitled to do so! Because it’s an illness of the mind that causes terrible pain, it’s an addiction to a person more harmful than a drug. He will never change, assume that, he will just dragging you lower and lower, destroying your self-consideration and joy of living. Expect from him nothing but pain because he is your second actual cancer. Maybe you developed cancer because of the suffering he caused you.
You need to build a wall between him and you. It’s really hard to have clarity of mind so don’t be afraid to ask for help. If you can afford it, take care of yourself with a good psychologist or any other professional you trust (at the moment, I am under an acupuncture treatment!), invest all you can in recovering. If you can’t spend, try to talk with people, other women who suffered the same, as much as you can, as addicted ones do, that will help. The day your obsession will end is maybe far but soon or later it will arrive. Then you will hate yourself because of having disrespect yourself that much. But this means you will be recovering.

They say that this type of love addiction is typical of people who had a lack of love or consideration in their childhood. It’s not that clear, but what is certain is that it’s a real disease that we need to cure. Please run run run away from him by all the means you have.

Oh my gosh, Bamboozled. Bless your heart. What an evil man he is. I know the days of overpowering anguish you’re experiencing. After 24 years, I’ve just experienced the third and final devalue (more like destroy) and discard. The difference is that I beat him to the punch on the discard, he just didn’t realize it. I went no contact immediately and have held on to it for 29 days now. But that’s just background, my tale is for another time.

I want to remind you that narcissists target those in whom they see traits, strengths or characteristics that they do not and can not possess. He may be good-looking, charming, have a good job and a promising future, but inside is a vast black nothingness. They have no soul, so they want yours. And your N wanted yours because it is loving, caring and beautiful. He saw in you the precious person who could possibly validate his existence as being worthy. Obviously, you are intelligent and focused, because you got through law school! Congratulations! And you are what we as targets all tend to be, an empath. We make the best, most trusting, giving, believing, long-suffering prey, and they will feed off us like buzzards feed off roadkill, until there is nothing left.

Like you, I considered suicide after the first time he left me. I didn’t see how I could go on living without him. I realized two things though, one was that I had family and friends who loved and would miss me, and that he would not be affected by it at all. He wouldn’t shed a single tear. So I asked myself why I would give up whatever else lay in my future for someone who would grieve no more for me than he would an ant he squashed with his shoe. So I plodded along, until he sucked me back in and my dumb ass fell for it…another part of my saga.

Honey, you are right on the doorstep of the rest of your life, and the start of your career as an attorney. Obviously you have some serious emotional turmoil in your life right now. Please don’t waste any more of your tears on that man. The harsh reality is that he doesn’t love you, none of them loved any of us, but that is THEIR loss, not ours. We are pretty damn special and he will never be anything nearly as strong and courageous as you are.

Best wishes in your healing journey, with love.

Bamboozled,

DEEP breath. You can do this. You can break this cycle. I think having something so difficult ALSO happening (cancer), while you are caught in this abuse cycle, is making it much more complicated in terms of getting away and STAYING away. But, no matter what you are faced with outside of this relationship you still have to make the the 100\% commitment to STAY AWAY FROM HIM. If you don’t it will make what you are going through that much worse, weakening your immune system, and reducing your full chance at total recovery from this cancer.

Your emotions have been FOOLED into this place of longing you find yourself at. This is not a reflection of your stupidity or anything of that nature. It is LOTS of biological stuff at play, making you feel attached, despondent, and hoping for reconcilliation. Normal people are WIRED to feel this way with the right stimulus. But having painful, soul destroying sex with him will not bring the original, but fake ‘Lover’ that he was, back. That was an ACT. And he simply cannot keep up the act.

What you have now has ALWAYS BEEN THE REAL DEAL. It just takes time to get to the ‘heart’ of these people. Once there we see that their deepest parts are horribly twisted and dark.

I hate to sound so harsh and unfeeling (I am FAR from unfeeling about you, or this subject) but this is totally true. And I KNOW you have the smarts to understand and accept this. Now you have to find the will to apply it. Every day, every moment, until such time as it becomes EASY. And IT WILL BECOME EASY.

It is imperative for you to put yourself first, and shut your inner ears to the injured voices inside of you crying out for him. They are not telling you what is best, they are responding only to his manipulations.

What you fell in love with was only orchestrated to get you to this point, and to enable him to watch your pain and despair. They LOVE our pain and despair.

(((Hugs))))Slim

Bamboozled, he was using you for sex and also I would guarantee he lied about his wife. The one I dated did the exact same thing. They all seem to read the same playbook or something. He can only treat you like this if you let him. Please know that you are worthy of so much better than that. Don’t let him disrespect you. The best and only way to take your power back is to just cut him off and never respond to him again. You can do it.