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Hi,
I have been with my husband for 12 years, married since 2008, we have a child together.
I’ve known for some time that things arent ‘right’ in my marriage. Although for much of it it seemed ‘ok’ on the outside. Things have come to a head in the past 2 years really, I have thought he had been having an affair, did some digging, and found my thoughts were true. I found emails from his sent mailbox that he forgot to delete, going back a couple of years, where he’s inviting one girl to his workshop for a kiss, and another email to a different girl declaring that he needed to get his feeling in check for her because he didnt want to be heartbroken, oh and that he didnt find me attractive (if he ever had) yes he actually said that. Well this was 18 months ago, I was working part time, not mentally strong, and certainly not financially strong. It was the first real time I had suspected anything, I confronted him, he said he shouldnt have done it, the baby was young, things were hard at home, and apologised (although looking back it wasnt much of an apology) he would have left then, but I didnt want him to, more fool me. I felt sorry for him!
Roll forward a year, and at the latter end of 2016 things started to go wrong again, I was hearing rumours about other women, he was drinking (after a period of not for a good 3 years) he was also using cocaine, the extent of this I dont know, but I know he was/is. I confronted him as someone had told me he had been seeing a woman for 6 years on and off… he denied it, although he did say years ago he had kissed her, that seems to be his default response, as though that is ok! This was just before Christmas. We got through Christmas, then on NYE he started on me, he accused me of having an affair with my boss, he smashed things in the house, he burned his christmas presents from me in the garden, he smashed my phone up, all of this in front of a 4 year old. He called my boss on NYD to ask for copies of our conversations (I work remotely at home, and our method of communication is tech, phone, email etc) he was crazed, my boss sent his 19 pages of text conversations, he’s gone through them with a fine toothcomb, pulled them apart, made assumptions and accusations. It was horrific, i was so embarassed as well as scared for my own sanity and for our daughter. There is nothing in the texts, as nothing has happened, it wouldnt! It just wouldnt.
Anyway, its now February, the ‘boss’ accusation rears its head every couple of weeks, if he’s drunk or high, or both. He stays out when he’s drinking, sleeps at work, and if I ask him to come home he tells me he wont be controlled, is nasty to me, silent, and then a couple of days pass and he’ll just change and be kind. Never kind enough, but not an a**hole.
I’ve had enough, i’m on beta blockers from the dr, I cant concentrate on work, and I have a high pressure job. I dont know what to do?
The house is in joint names, he has more assets than me, but I would happily walk away with just my share of the house, if he meant I would be free. But part of me feels sorry for him, I dont want to be the reason he goes into self destruct, I feel to blame to a point.
Can someone give me a pep talk?
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I think that many of us can relate to feeling sorry for our narc/sociopath partner. I think that is because we are too nice. We have too much of what they lack, which is empathy, compassion, and conscientiousness. Some of us, our boundaries are poor and we give too much and sacrifice our well-being as a result. We also make the mistake of forgetting that our narc/sociopath partner does not experience the same types of feelings we do, such as empathy and remorse. So then when they feel hurt, we feel bad, wonder if they just made a mistake, need another chance, need someone to just care, and we think eventually they will get it, feel bad for what how they hurt us, and all will be well. But, that is just not the case. There is a pattern to the behavior – selfishly hurt you, be nice, hurt you, be nice – that is abuse. And the accusations of you cheating – he’s turning his bad behavior and acting as if you are the one doing it – either to project it on you or because since he does those things – his brain tells him you do because that is his norm. The blow up – and in front of your child? Shame on him – not okay at all.
If he self-destructs, it is all him. It is not your job to sacrifice your mental and physical health, while he is allow to treat you abusively, cheat on you, and lie to you, all so he won’t self-destruct. Even the “self-destruct” is a manipulation on his part. It’s like the kid that gets his way every time he screams and tantrums in the store. He’s learned if he tantrums enough, he gets his way.
you are not responsible for him. He is responsible for him. If he chooses to do whatever self-destructing means in his case – that is all him. You are responsible for you and your choices.
Take care of yourself. This is tough. You don’t deserve this. You cant live like this. You shouldn’t be with someone who scares you like that. he has no problems scaring you, accusing you of things he actually does, lying to you, cheating on you, treating you poorly. When he acts sorry, he is just trying to re-hook you. He doesn’t experience love and caring the way you do. For him, love is just him loving having you there to use- feed his ego, or whatever. Love doesn’t treat you with such disrespect. That is NOT love. I hope this helps and I hope I didn’t say too much. I wish you the best.
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