I need as many opinions and feedback as possible!

The odds are really, really high that you are dating a sociopath. People who have got out of a relationship with one sociopath are MORE likely to get connected with another. There are lots of posts on this topic. From memory, the reasons are:
1. You are an empathetic person who is more likely to give someone the benefit of the doubt. This is what attracted the first sociopath to you. It will also attract other sociopaths.

2. Your propensity to give other people the benefit of the doubt leads you to ignore the red flags YOU HAVE IDENTIFIED!!! The whole point of seeing red flags is use them as a warning that the person is probably a sociopath.

3.You are vulnerable because you are seeking validation and another relationship. Sociopaths look for vulnerability.

4. You were probably gaslighted (?gaslit?) by sociopath 1 to ignore your feelings. So ignoring your gut and feelings now is almost automatic with you now.

IMO you are very cluey, smart person. You have clearly seen the flags and identified that they are markers of a sociopath. Now you seem to be wanting validation about your interpretation of what you have identified.

Here is your validation. If it talks like a sociopath and walks like a sociopath, it is a sociopath. My advice is RUN!!!!!

A successful, confident man does not resort to “game playing”, and typically will not exhibit the red flags. A narc or sociopath lives for the thrill of the game and will do anything to deter negative feelings, especially if he sees you may be pulling away due to red flags popping up. A real man proves his worth by showing you what you mean to him, and that is not about gifts he gives. If you are already seeing red flags, do not walk, RUN!!!! It is very likely that you were targeted by another sociopath who sees the sweetness and forgiving heart you have when he is giving you whatever excuse he can come up with next. This is not a fault in you, but a fault in him. In my opinion, the man you are speaking of now is just the same as the one before. You may not see all the signs yet, but it is new, which gives him the advantage. Trusting your gut, but remaining in he relationship is a contradiction in itself. I speak from experience as my socio-ex was a MASTER of deceit, trickery, abuse of every kind including physically during sex, and much more. Trust the signs you are seeing and get out now! Staying will only give him more control and more ammunition to use against you at some point when he is not getting his way.

I completely understand. Take a look at http://www.teaginmaddox.com/. I’ve found some very helpful information there and she is also a relationship coach, which may help with gaining the experience. Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all go through it at some point in life. It takes time to gain the knowledge that many of us have through many more years of being alive. Take care of yourself. Do things for you. Be confident in your kindness and watch out for the red flags as you already are. Good job! I fell prey to the same socio for over 4 years. I believed his stories even though I knew in my gut they were not true. I ignored the red flags because I thought he was a combat veteran suffering from PTSD and it made me feel sorry for him. Recently, I found out that he lied about everything except wearing a uniform. He lied about virtually everything he did in the service, including being a Navy Seal. It is difficult enough to navigate the waters of dating without all the sociopaths of the world, but blaming yourself for not seeing it will only make you feel worse, so be glad that you got out of the first one, and stay strong. We are all here to talk to if you need us. I left the site a year ago and then came back. I felt foolish and stupid, but someone here told me that I loved the person he said he was and she was right. There is nothing shameful about that. That helped me to realize that I was not the one who was broken, he is the one that is broken. Keep your kind and loving heart with a little bit of gut mixed in to keep the socios away.

abm107669, You said, “I’m just scared on missing on out something because I’m paranoid.” IMO THAT is the hook he will use if he is a sociopath. All his messages will be about reassuring you how safe and reliable he is. He will be on time. He will tell you stories about how HE doesn’t want to miss out on having a great relationship with you (mirroring). He will use your fear of missing out on a relationship to ensnare you.

I don’t know if I am stepping on your toes with this next bit, but I know from my experience that being afraid of missing out on a potential new relationship was a sign that I was not totally healed my from relationship with my sociopath ex. I am wondering if it is not a bit early for you to be thinking about a relationship with anyone. The fact that you have identified so many warning signs with this one just adds to my concern.

One way to see if a guy is respecting your boundaries is to “test” this in a respectful and honest way. I did this once by accident when two guys wanted to go out with me and I liked them both and didn’t want to keep them dangling. I didn’t think it was fair.

So I asked them both to give me some time to think about things. I think I asked them not to contact me for 3 weeks or so. Person 1 accepted my boundaries and did not contact me. Person 2 called me with flowers the next day and swept me off my feet. I am sad to say that I became smitten with the person who violated my boundary BECAUSE he violated my request to be left alone for 3 weeks and he was kind and attentive and generous. I started dating him, and said goodbye to person 1. After six months of abuse from Person 2, I realized the guy I was dating was a sociopath. So we broke up. A couple of years later, person 2 contacted me through work and we started dating and ended up getting married.

So… I learned that if you ask a guy to give you a couple of weeks to think about things and please not to contact you, if he DOES contact you he is violating your boundaries, rights and wishes. Even if he is wonderfully nice and sweet and generous, the fact is that he has not respected your request to be left alone for 3 weeks. He has failed the test. Of course you must not tell him the purpose of your request is a test (sociopaths will adhere to your request in order to “win” and gaslight you). You must genuinely ask for a period of time without contact with him to think about your relationship with him, which is truthfully what you are asking him for.

This might not be a 100% accurate test of a sociopathy, but it might be worth a try to see if the guy you are interested in is able to respect your wishes/boundaries. If he can wait 3 weeks without trying to contact you, it is an indication that he has some impulse control and that he is capable of honoring your reasonable requests. That is a good sign that might give you some information to inform any decision you make.

However, my gut feeling is that you should not get involved with this guy at all. How you have described him is in classic sociopath characteristics. What I am offering in this post is an alternative to glean more information about his true feelings about your boundaries if you are determined to go ahead and have another date with him.

If your intuition is telling you there’s a reason to be concerned, it’s worth listening to. The real litmus test is to observe his behavior in a variety of situations with a variety of people, over a long period of time. An important purpose of ‘dating’ is to get to know someone well enough to decide if one wants to take the relationship to a committed level. Consider the old fashioned ‘rule of three.’ One lie might be a misunderstanding, a second lie might be a mistake, but three lies is a pattern of behavior. The rule of three applies to any inappropriate behavior.

I was widowed from a marriage to a very good man who valued relationship, family, and keeping his commitments. Ten years later I was deceived into marrying a sadist, pedophile, pathological liar and porn addicted, psychopath, because it suited his purpose to exploit me for things he wanted – financial security, status, etc. There were plenty of red flags but I did not recognize them as I didn’t know ‘people’ like him existed. He used hypnotic techniques on me; he lied about everything and I believed him. I blamed my doubts and my intuition warnings on myself. I didn’t know that intuition is often accurate.

Here is an excellent article on dating after recovery from a relationship with a disordered person. http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/the-gift-of-time-managing-the-pace-of-a-new-relationship

Dear abm107660,

There is a woman who does workshops on relationships and men and women, but I can’t remember her name. If I do, I will post. She talks about “future talking” that a lot of (normal) men do early on in the relationship, such as talk of meeting his parents. She says a lot of guys do it because they are “trying on” a future in their minds to see if their date fits into that. Or the guy will talk about a vacation the two of you should take together. A lot of guys do this, but they don’t always follow through. It’s because they genuinely like the woman and are starting to visualize what it would be like to have her in their life. It doesn’t meant they are serious or that they will follow through. They are just imagining what it would be like. She cautions not to pin too much on his future talking early on in the dating phase. I don’t think future talking in an of itself constitutes love bombing or moving too soon. However, if he starts talking marriage in the first 2-3 weeks, to me, that is a red flag. At very least, it could signal a very needy person who can’t be alone. At worst, it could be a sociopath. There are also those rare exceptions of two people who just fall for each other at first sight. But it’s always a good idea to take things slowly to make sure. If a person is truly your soulmate, you will have your whole lifetime to get to know one another. Why rush?

You can always try to set clear boundaries with this guy…”It’s too soon to meet your parents or go on a vacation together” and see how he reacts. If he is okay with the boundaries, proceed very slowly – at your pace. Sometimes, however, sociopaths will back off and agree to those boundaries, only to reel you in in other ways. That’s what happened with the one I dated. So it’s a slippery slope with dating. Also most men are more sexually focused than women. They will want to proceed with sex more quickly in most cases, though a really mature and thoughtful man will wait. So you will have to be really clear with your own boundaries in that way and make him wait. See how he responds to that. Many guys will sleep with a woman if the opportunity presents itself, but he may not regard that woman as marriage material. Value your body and don’t give it up so soon.

Regarding sniffing out sociopaths, my advice to you is two-fold. 1. Trust your gut. If your gut tells you something is not quite right, it probably isn’t. Your gut will tell you this right away. You won’t have to wait a few months. And 2. If your level of mistrust is so high that you feel you can’t make a wise decision, you may not be ready to date just yet. For those of us who have been hurt by sociopaths, I feel it is better to err on the side of caution.

After I ended the affair with the sociopath I dated, I was approached by another similar type of man. I started to get sucked in, but it didn’t take me long to figure out what he was. Once you know what to look for, you can usually spot them. If you’ve done your healing work after the original sociopath, you will have a great deal of self-awareness. That will automatically extend into awareness of others’ motives, and you should hopefully be able to start trusting yourself to make wise decisions. So a third piece of advice would be to know yourself really really well. Know what your vulnerabilities are. Know your needs and when you feel lonely. Don’t go out and fill those with the first attentive guy who comes along. Instead, be able to fill some of those needs with friends and hobbies and self-nurturing. When you really really like yourself and don’t feel a strong need for a man, you can afford to be very picky.

ABM,

Sounds like you did a great job escaping before the predator had a chance to exploit you and cost you time, money, and other resources, and to harm you in various ways. Walking away from a potentially bad situation in time is a sound first step to finding a good relationship with a good man.

Focusing on yourself and building a fulfilling life for yourself – working on career, participating in activities that interest you, engaging in spiritual and religious practices that have meaning to you, building your own character, social skills, and developing meaningful friendships, is a lifestyle that naturally leads to a good relationships with a good man. It might seem counter intuitive at first but it works – make oneself and one’s own life meaningful, purposeful; and work on being the best person one can be; and good men will take an interest in you. Often people find another special person when they aren’t looking too hard and are fulfilled without a romantic relationship.

Hi there, I find the contents of this blog very interesting; you are justified in being wary. I was with a narc for 10 years and have dated one genuine man since I split with the narc.
I’m currently looking for a long term relationship and I had my doubts about the most promising man I’ve met so far. Was he really into me or was he lovebombing me? Was the purchase of a sports car to drive me to the South of France, a second yacht, while his other one was having a refit, the luxury weekends away a red flag after only a couple of dates? Should I have been wary of his requests for a sex early on in the relationship (with detailed descriptions of how he would make love to me and make me breakfast in bed afterwards)? When I ended it he wanted to meet me to discuss my concerns, was this mature adults communicating or an opportunity for him to try and reel my back in? I stayed firm, if in doubt follow your gut instinct and move on. Better to knock back a genuine guy than get reeled by another narc!

A SECOND YACHT? I’m not saying the guy was a narc, but even if he wasn’t blowing hot air, he does sound like a PLAYBOY to me! You’d be just another addition to his harem. If I were you I’d look out for a more “ordinary” guy… less ostentatious, less flamboyant, shall we say? 😉

abm, I have a few young women friends your age who have been single and were mature enough to want to settle down. I’ve watched them have a horrendous time dating because men in that age group are often immature. And you are right – they have so much access to hook-ups just from apps and internet alone. It can be like navigating a mine field! I do know some people who have found the loves of their lives on an internet app, but they were the exception rather than the rule. I think you are wise to just go out and meet people in person. There are some guys out there who are sincere and honest. One of my young girlfriends – a beautiful blond co-worker in her 20’s – had so many bad dating experiences, she kept a journal! Eventually she met a guy at a baseball game who was visiting from out of state. They started a long distance romance and are now very happy living together. He is also 30 or 31 so he is a little older.

The main thing to remember is your worth. Remember that a guy would be lucky to have you and the right one should be willing to prove himself. Don’t short sell yourself for anyone. You are still young and have many years to find a partner. Enjoy your life as a single woman, and have plenty of fun! IMO There is nothing wrong with casual sex if it is consensual and if you can enjoy it for the experience and be safe. There is always the risk of getting hurt, so if you don’t feel you are cut out for it, don’t do it (it was always difficult for me). There is certainly nothing wrong with dating a few guys at the same time, too. This makes them compete for your attention, as they should in the early phases of dating. Go out and have fun but don’t take any of these guys too seriously until they have really stepped up to the plate and proven themselves. I think problems start for women when they start getting serious too soon with a guy they hardly know.