i feel so alone i feel like i'm losing my mind

jalapeno715, you are not losing your mind, you’re regaining it. Congratulations! You are strong. You have recognised and are rejecting abuse. The fog is lifting – trust that despite the pain and loneliness you will inevitably feel, you are in a vastly better place than you have been for the past four years, or could ever hope to be by continuing to play along with your ex-sociopath. The longer No Contact is sustained, the easier it will become. Your senses will return, your self-identity will rebuild and your self-respect will become immeasurable. You will cleave to these things in moving forward! Read, absorb, feel, reach out and embrace the lesson.

Unless someone has been involved with a s’path they CAN’T understand. These pathological liars are so good at convincing other people, that when you accurately describe reality, you will be accused of exaggerating or being too sensitive. I can remember thinking that about a friend before my s’path encounter. I am so glad I didn’t say this to her. I just let her vent.

THEN, I had my own experience. Boy did I understand how crazy it makes you feel. The good news is that this truly dreadful experience gave me a new “spidy-sense”, so when I got involved in a project with a s’path last year, it only took me about 8 weeks to put it all together (instead of the 5 years with my first s’path). What was interesting about the second episode was that on day one, I saw the discrepancies in words/actions, but I couldn’t figure out what it was all about. This was during the love bombing stage, so I just figured this person was lying to make herself look good, rather than any sinister intent.

It was only when she became the office-manager extraordinaire (and caused conflict in the office) that it clicked that she was a spath. It only took one devaluing action for me to see her for what she was. I quit that day.

Of course she did a smear campaign and made sure I was not hired for another project. She got my boss to email me and direct me to apologize to her for scaring her by having a “mental health episode”. I just did the gray rock thing on all of them since I knew that anything I said would just confirm her lie that I was crazy.

I was, and still am, lonely and sad that I lost good colleagues, friends and a good job through her smear campaign. However, I made a point of being as sane as a judge (or is it sober as a judge?). In any case, I was acted more sane and sober than the sanest person on the planet. I did this so that people whom she was telling I was crazy might see that what she was saying and how I was acting were not congruent.

Alas, they didn’t see the gap between how I was acting and what she was saying. They believed her. “They” always do. With my first s’path (my boss) I went to HR and the union and the organization head and naively expected them to follow policy about harassment. That’s where I learned the hard way that people ALWAYS believe the s’path over the victim.

The only people who will believe you are people who have experienced it first hand. It is a school of hard knocks, and it IS lonely.

Thank goodness for technology and the internet! It would have been really, really hard to get validation 50 or 100 years ago.

I didn’t even know what abuse was before my own spath experience. I did not understand folks who had been victimized by spaths, and like Madelaine recounted, I recall being pretty judgemental in my mind. I also had the notion that it could never happen to me. It was humbling, but I recognize that most people who have not experienced a spath first hand cannot understand.

Jalepeno, it sounds like you did the right thing in leaving a man who makes you feel bad and doesn’t treat you well, especially when he sometimes acts loving which indicates he’s manipulating you when he’s unkind. You have experienced a loss that you’re grieving for and that is lonely. It’s especially lonely to be harmed by someone in a relationship that is supposed to be based on love and trust. You loved him because you are a good person who is capable of love and you take all the good things you have to offer with you. You are doing the right thing for yourself by leaving someone who doesn’t value you.

I too feel so lonely..I question my own sanity…. I’m just ending a 9 year relationship with a spath.. he’s 12 yrs older then I..
I feel like such a fool..
Some days I miss him terribly, I try to refrain from contacting him. But I find I talk myself into it more then not…
I’ve become a hermit, I basically go to work, then go straight home.. no motivation for much..
I keep trying to turn to this website when I get urge to contact him..

Curly, you are detoxing from addiction essentially. Your survival requires you to take care of yourself! If this means that you’re isolated and lonely for a while, then recognise this as your way of safely processing trauma, overcoming addiction and healing from the aftermath. Remind yourself that turning to him only strengthens his power and his control over you and sets back your recovery.

You can do this! Continue reading! Hope these posts help you as much as they helped me.

I could have written this post. I did post yesterday “I am a mess. He dumped me”.
I don’t understand how they can just suddenly turn off the lightswitch and leave us in the dark. I found his profile on a dating site. My fiance of 6 years. The last 2 he has lived out of state, which would sound like it would be easier, but its not. Because you forget the bad times and only renember the good times and how good he made you feel. I didn’t know he was an SP till I remembered something he said months ago in frustration. He admitted it. So after research and finding this site, I realized I too was addicted to a sociopath. He has cut off all communication from me after I found his dating profile, which has angered me beyond belief. I have been sending him texts and emails and even wondered if I was an SP. I had a colonoscopy recently and my GI always takes a picture of the inside of your anus. I have no idea why. But he gives you the picture. I texted a copy of the picture of the inside of my anus to him and told him he should use that as his dating profile picture because it sums him all up. I said this one picture says everything a woman needs to know about him, and saves him the time it takes to fill out all the lies on his profile. I am so not like that, but I am so angry. And I keep texting him the most angry and threatening texts. I am a kidnapping survivor, and a gang rape survivor and he has pulled out all that PTSD emotion and so much anger. If I keep it inside it will eat me up. I am in bad shape.

Julianastar,

What you describe he did sounds like a typical psychopath/sociopath. The way you feel is a normal reaction to being abused, manipulated, betrayed and lied to. All of the feelings you describe are normal responses. You are right to feel angry. He did wrong to you because he is disordered. You do not deserve to be treated the way he treated you. Consider that he treats everyone badly and he always will. He might act in a ‘nice’ way if he thinks it will get him what he wants, but he does not care about anyone else’s well being. He is a liar, a deceiver, a cheater, a manipulator. That is what he is, and it has nothing to do with you – he feels the same way about everyone because he is a sociopath.

It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life, and the result is that you have PTSD. Try to take the best care of yourself that you can manage. Every interaction with a spath causes harm to their victims. Even though it is very difficult, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is not to have contact with him. Consider writing emails telling him what you think of him, letting him know your anger, and anything you would like to tell him, but don’t send them. I wrote zillions of emails to my ex psychopath that I didn’t send; they were like a journal for me. Spaths are good at turning things around to harm their victims, consider that your ex might report your threats to the police and cause you more trouble and stress. Also, sociopaths enjoy seeing others suffer at their hands – they like the feeling of power and control it gives them. Your ex is likely enjoying the pain he causes you.

It sounds like you are at the lowest point in your suffering harm from a spath; most everyone here on Lovefraud has been there and understand what you are going through. Working through the pain and the grief feels overwhelming. You sound like a strong person; you have proven you are a survivor. Your recovery is beginning; you will recover.

It sounds like you are aware that the stress and pain and grief you’re experiencing is dangerous to your health. Consider taking a break from the grieving and anger when you can, and focus on something else for a few minutes – if you can spend some time with friends or family, take a walk, whatever might work for you.

I read a lot about sociopaths, sociopathy, abuse, etc.; and I found that learning about the disorder helped me recover.

You love him because you are a good normal person capable of love. He is not. It is normal to grief the loss of a relationship that is supposed to be love based. You loved the person you thought he was, and you believed him when he said he cared about you. You are experiencing a real loss and a betrayal.

You will feel better. Take good care of yourself.

Hi jalapeno715, one thing that is often over looked when breaking off with a abuser is the fact that our bodies & mind have been under a tremendous amount of stress. Stress from normal day living i.e. going to work, dealing with dinner, getting kids ready for school & bed, squeezing in time to see friends & family but also the crazy chaotic drama filled daily with a sociopath!!

This stress causes cortisol & adrenaline to be released to warn us to slow down. The adrenal glands site on top of our kidneys and these glands regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight, flight & freeze mode) and over 50 hormones. They are a big deal!!

With this continual daily stress & now a toxic relationship stress our adrenal glands get burnt out trying to regulate all of these important items.

The adrenal glands eventually become fatigue which in turn wreak havoc on our bodies & mind. Our blood pressure, cortisol & adrenline levels, blood sugar, and over 50 hormones get out of balance.

THIS is why you are feelling “crazy”.

BUT YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY…you just need to calm your body & mind.

How do you do this?

Take time for yourself and by eating a very health diet no alcohol or drugs (first talk to your doctor!), vitamins & mineral supplements like B complex, possible hormonal balancing and plenty of rest & relaxation & lots of sleep.

So look into adrenal fatigue as your body & mind issue by looking at sites like Dr Lam. com, Adrenal fatigue. org and googling.

Look into an Endocrinologist doctor to get you tested. For info on cortisol testing look at Adrenal fatigue. org.

When we break up from anyone our bodies naturally release larges amount of cortisol but being in a relationship with a sociopath our bodies are releasing larges levels…so we are getting a double whammy when we break up with them.

Get a fully physical from an Endocrinologist tell them you were in a very stressful toxic relationship.

You will get through this dark time hon, soon you will be at the end of the tunnel seeing the bright lights again!

Hugs to you!! ?

Don’t worry dear. If you cut the bond to the outside world,it will cause more difficulty for you. Things will be fine in a less course of time.