Feel like I am crazy!

Hi everyone. I broke up with my antisocial, psychopath boyfriend in January. I was doing a little better but I broke no contact this week and I’m suffering for it. Basically I have some thoughts in my head that just spin and spin (I talk about them at the end) and I would appreciate any help I can get. So here is my story (so it’s so long)”

I met my ex-boyfriend when we were 15. He was my first love and the relationship was nothing short of “perfect.” He was fun,funny, romantic, and caring. We were together 6 months and at the end, I realized that he was living basically two separate lives. He was doing drugs & partying when he wasn’t with me and he was this sweet/loving guy when we were together. I caught him in a lie and broke up with him. Of course I begged him to get back with me but he acted extremely cold toward me.

Between the time that we were 16 and 18, he called me twice to see me and of course I did, because I missed him. I would see him for the day and he would tell me how much he loved me and missed me, making promises to see me the next day. The next day he would be really cold and I wouldn’t hear from him. When we were 18, I was at his house with his mom and saw him. I knew he had been dating a girl named P and she was there. When he saw me, he came downstairs and didn’t say anything to P. About an hour later, she came down and said she was leaving. We spent several hours together and he said he wanted to see me the next day. He told me he missed me, wished he had lost his virginity to me, that I was the best thing he ever had. I knew he was in legal trouble so when I saw him the next day, I told him I loved him and would help anyway I could. He got angry and told me I “was getting in the way of him and P.”

He went to prison when we turned 18. P was the one who sent him to prison. While he was there, he wrote to me, but I never knew this until last year. I didn’t see or hear from him for 15 years. Apparently he had tried to contact my family and he had gone to see my mom. But throughout this time, he had been “off and on” with P and they had two children.

In September of 2016, he called my mom crying because P had taken his children away from him and had gotten a restraining order on him. He then contacted me. We live 8 hrs apart. He began calling me every night for hours talking to me about everything, saying how much of a mistake it was to leave me and that he loved me. He told me how much he missed me and how he had kicked Ashley out. How much he missed me and how much he loved me. He told me that she was abusive towards him and that she had cut him off from everyone. I believed all of it, I knew she had put him in prison twice. He told me he was sober. I told him that I loved him and I could not be friends with him, just putting that on the table. I let him know where my feelings were at. After about 1 1/2 week he said he wanted to be together and posted on facebook that he was “finally with the girl I have wanted to be with since 2008.” He said he wanted to marry me, he wanted to start a family, he wanted to move wherever I went, he said he would die for me. I helped him pay his fines even when he claimed he “hated to ask other people for money.” He was always hot and cold. He would be depressed because he could not talk his kids and she was “kidnapping them” or he would message me and say that “all i can think about is you” “I can’t wait to spend forever with you.” I hadn’t dated anyone for 6 years prior to him. I was raped and I felt it was very easy to trust him because of our childhood history. Before talking to him again, I didn’t care about dating, I was focused on my career. But with him I started to think about marriage and kids (which I never thought before). I was going to give up job opportunities, I was so happy to be with him. To basically forget my past trauma and enjoy intercourse for the first time.

At the end of January this year, he told me he had been using drugs the whole time. I was upset because he had 1) lied to me and 2) I don’t want to date a drug user. The last time I spoke to him I told him I loved him and I didn’t want to end the relationship. He said he was using and was not stopping. The next day I got a concussion while at work and was sent to the ER. My friend texted him to tell him where I was and he told her I had last told him I was “going to a party.” When i texted him that night to say I was home, he never texted me back. The day after, I texted him and told him “i think we have a lot going on in our lives and even though I love you deeply, I think we should take a break.” That day, I found out he had been trying to hook up with one of his coworkers online, stating that his “long-distance girlfriend was possessive and scaring me.”

I didn’t contact him from the end of January until this Tuesday. I stopped looking at his FB and P’s FB in March. Yes, they got back together. I contacted him through a friend on Tuesday because I wanted closure (HAHA). Of course he blamed me, first saying he “ended it with me.” When he was confronted with that he said “she wanted to take a break, how long was I supposed to wait.” He NEVER responded to my last message about taking a break. He told “my friend” I pressured him into a relationship and made him feel uncomfortable. That I forced him to talk on the phone.He claimed that I was taking drugs (I am tested for my job, so I do NOT). He also said he did not cheat on me, ever when shown the proof. He told my friend I am the one that needs to contact him because I am “refusing to speak to him.” He said he wants me to come in person “she has a key,doesn’t even need to knock.” Then at the end of the night said he might “Message Heather and say Hi.” He then messaged my friend yesterday and said “why did you say I loved Heather? That means past tense.” He also said he is “anxious about texting Heather because it is not a good time.” So who knows if he will contact me now?

I know I broke no contact and its my own fault I feel like shit. But I don’t want this man back, I know how bad he is for me. But what I can’t wrap my head around (besides that my whole relationship was a lie and that people can be so evil) is that he always goes back to P. I am a doctor, I have a job, I can support myself, I am put together, I have supported him through everything, I would have given up anything (stupidly) for him, I have always been faithful to him. She is a drug user, she has no job, she cannot support herself, she has put him in jail twice, she claimed he sexually and psychically abused their children, she has cheated on him multiple times (with his brother and best friend). I sent that text and it is like I never existed in his life. But he begs and pleads for her to come back each time she leaves (which is all the time). I feel so betrayed but also so worthless. I ask myself what she had that I don’t. What don’t I offer, why am I not enough. And no matter how much I tell myself that I should be happy its not me, the knife still turns in my chest.

• This topic was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by beutfuldisastr22.
• This topic was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by beutfuldisastr22. Reason: spelling correction