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I’m looking for some help and advice on dealing with heartbreak and intense obsession with someone who used me and threw me away. I feel like my whole world has ended, even though I still have two beautiful children from my previous marriage, a loving family, good job, etc. I have much to be thankful for but for whatever reason I can’t let go of a woman who I know only used me for her own fulfillment and had no real feelings for me. I feel as I’ve always been emotionally stable, and even have a good relationship with my ex-wife and her family.
Here is my story:
I met this woman at my daughters school. Our kids are in the same class. She was also a single parent, though younger than I am. (She is 30 and I’m 42) We started out just talking casually while dropping our kids off in the morning, and eventually she said we should go get coffee sometime. We exchanged numbers, and a few weeks later we met up one evening for a casual dinner. There we lots of probing questions, from both sides, and I felt like we had a pretty good connection. We continued to talk via text, phone, and of course every morning at school. Eventually we spent time walking at the park, spending more time together really getting to know one another (or so I thought), having very detailed and in-depth discussions and more topics than I can even remember, and decided to give a go at a relationship. She came across as a victim of all prior relationships, and told me about her last long term relationship of 4 years in which her fiance physically and verbally abused her. She said she was looking for someone caring and kind to make her feel worthy of being loved.
During our time together, she was always doing nice things, giving over the top compliments, buying gifts, etc. She told me she loved me after just a few weeks, nobody understood her I like do, thought I was “the one”, the perfect lover, incredibly handsome, etc., and that she could see us spending the rest of our lives together. Of course, I ate it up, and gave her everything I had to offer in return. The sex was amazing, we had very in-depth and intellectual conversations, never argued about anything (she would always mirror everything I said interested me), and I truly believed every word she ever said. I couldn’t get enough of her, and as far as I knew she felt the same.
There were periods during the relationship that she would tell what I considered “white lies” about trivial things. She always had a story about everything. From dreams out us every night to coincidences that just strengthened her believe that we were perfect together. I overlooked them, and even thought it was cute in the beginning. I chalked it up to her trying to impress me. Over time though, the lies started to grow. She would stay late at work (one time until 1am) and always have an excuse. She would have several blocks of time that were unaccounted for, and when I would ask about them she would always make up something that I knew wasn’t true. Her lies were said with such sincerity and reassurance about or relationship that I would go along with it just to keep from having her disappointed in me for even questioning it. How crazy is that?!
She was still love bombing daily, telling me that I’m the only one she wants to be with forever, how we were a perfect match, etc. etc. Things were fine as far as I knew, that is, up until she took a new job two weeks ago. This new job required her to work evenings, and the establishment closes at 9pm. There were a few nights that she wouldn’t get home until after midnight, and having been through that at her last job, I decided it was time to ask if there was something going on outside our relationship that I should know about. That was a week ago last Sunday. She reassured me again that everything was good, and that she was having to stay late to do a lot of the menial tasks because she was new. Another excuse that I shouldn’t have bought but did. The love bombing still continued, and she even talked about how much she looked forward to us living together and being together forever. Things returned to what I thought was normal through the week, still missing some blocks of time, but I ignored them until last Sunday night when it happened again. We went shopping before she went to work because she said she needed a new outfit. I even helped her pick it out, and I didn’t think a thing about it. She looked amazing in this outfit too, on top of already being a very beautiful woman. Simply stunning. We proceeded to say our goodbyes as she went to work, everything was as perfect as the first day we were together.
So I go about my day. Usually she will send random texts from work about whats happening, telling me she misses me, how incredible I am, etc., but this night was different. The texts barely came, I sent a few with several hours in-between replies, and finally about 3 hours after the store closed she texted to tell me she was on the way home. (we didn’t live together) When she got home, I finally told her that I was upset about how things went that evening, but not in a mad or threatening way. I was very polite, yet concerned, about how things weren’t adding up. She gave the usual excuses at first and was apologetic, but then it’s like a switch was flipped and it all started to go downhill. She accused me of not trusting her, being jealous, wanting her to quit her job, not caring about her independence, and said she wanted to meet and talk about it tomorrow after she’s a had a night to process.
Fast forward to the next morning (4 days ago), and we met at a neutral site (her choice, a store parking lot of all things). I got into her car and asked her if she was ready to talk, and the first thing out of her mouth is that we should go back to being just friends. What?! I was the love of your life, you wanted to be with me forever, we were soul mates, I could do no wrong, and today you just want to be friends? Because I asked why you were 3 hours late getting home from work? How does that even work? There was no emotion, no regret, no sign of wanting to talk, just a cold and calculated stare. I couldn’t even say anything I was so taken aback. I just told her if that’s what she wanted then I’m ok with it. (even though I was as far from ok as someone could be)
Things of course didn’t add up, and of course I’ve since discovered that pretty much everything she said was a lie. I was surprised, floored, devastated, broken hearted, etc. You name it and I felt it. I have tried for the last 4 days to wrap my head around it. I’ve read forums, books, blog posts, etc about dealing with Psychopathic, Sociopathic and Narcissistic relationships. I’ve absorbed more information in the last 72 hours than I have in the last few years, and my conclusion is that I was a “transitional target” according to Psychopath Free. She needed a fix with no long term goals in-between her previous 4 year relationship and whomever was on her radar for the next long haul. This may be why I didn’t experience the devaluation period and went straight to discard, because she had no interest in playing the game with me anymore. It has been a real eye opening experience, but none of it has helped me get over this feeling of emptiness.
I’m still completely in love with her even though in my head I know that she really felt nothing the entire time. I’m devastated beyond belief. I was actually planning on spending the rest of my life with this person, and now I’m sure I never knew her at all, only what she wanted me to see. Was anything real? Probably not. Was it all a lie and a manipulation? I’m certain it was.
It really feels like my entire world came crashing down in an instant. Any advice and/or help getting through this would be greatly appreciated.
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alteredreality,
Good ‘handle’ to express how this level of deceit feels. You sound like you definitely ran up against a sociopath, with all the behaviors and hurt. I am sorry. It is gut wrenching to know you have simply been taken for a joy ride, when you thought it was love.
It is not uncommon (see new blog article about how we feel when we are targeted by these people) to find that we are overextending ourselves to accommodate their unexplained, or strangely explained, behaviors/absences/flare ups. We are trying to make sense of the incongruities and flimsy explanations they provide us, because we have fallen in love. We have been conned into giving them our time, talent, hearts, and thoughts of the future. They have been playing a game to get some energy, money, time, attention, validation, or ‘cover’ from us. Period.
Sadly, they cannot fall in love and care about our long-term happiness and security. They are just 100% incapable.
The only lasting path to healing from this garbage relationship is to totally give up on it, her, and any further contact. Zero. Just walk away. Learn the behaviors of these types to avoid future entanglements. Be willing to listen to your ‘gut’, as your head will not always guide you away from one of these energy suckers. But your gut will know something is ‘off’.
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AlteredReality,
You and I are in the same boat, here. It was 2014 for me. I was 48. She was 37. April 1st, 2014 was our first (fake) date, in fact.
I also went through your 72-hour education cramming on sociopaths, psychopaths, NPD, etc. following a simple online search after a long summer and fall of being manipulated, lied to, used and conned by this Pamela Anderson look-alike serpent.
All we can really do is chalk it up to “this is the brain she was given”. That’s my conclusion. I’m sorry you had to cross paths with this same kind of evil. If you are anything like me, it will take YEARS to recover, I’m sorry to say. 40 months later, I, myself, am only about halfway-ish back to being my old self. I have severe PTSD from it, but am improving. You saw her “cold, calculated stare”. Look up the “death stare”. It’s a REAL thing psychopaths do and I will NEVER forget when it happened to me. Oh, what a story I have.
I switched to a job 25 miles away. I even moved to a different home after a fluke encounter with her at a department store triggered me again after a 16-month run of NO contact.
I’m concerned about your child and her’s being friends. These evil doers can plant some very harmful lies into their children’s heads. At school year’s end, please consider making some major changes. The detailed explanation she gave you on shopping for Easter items when there’s the 800-pound gorilla standing right between you is a perfect example of her getting a psychopathic thrill out of the whole ordeal. I went through the same torment. If you feel yourself getting worse, try to keep in contact with me, I’d like to help you through this as well as I can. Yes, I completely understand when you say you are a train wreck at this point.
I was about a 9.5 in physical attractiveness BEFORE. Since, I’ve been lucky to brush my teeth ONCE a day. I shave about every TEN days, and take quick “whore’s baths” now and am 30 pounds heavier. HER 125 pounds I lost was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. Same for you! I wish you a VERY happy Easter and may this bring a new beginning of happiness to you from this day forward.-
Victimoffemale, heart wrenching to read you post. You sound like you are suffering from depression. This is very common & part of the PTSD.
Look into Adrenal fatigue symptoms.
Look at sites like: Adrenal fatigue. org and Dr Lam. com
both have sites. And see their symptoms list.
Look into also Dr Fuhrman EAT to live book. Google: “Dr Fuhrman PBS you tube” to watch his videos.
One of the biggest issues with adrenal fatigue is depression.
Flooding your body with vitamins & minerals is essential in fighting depression.
Google “Dr Amen depression you tube”.
Dr Amen is a leading brain expert. He has conducted over 80,000 brain scans and believes in natural methods vs RX drugs.
See his New York Times best seller books (your local library may have them).
Also Google “Dr Amen PBS you tube”
Endocrinologist doctors deal with the adrenal glands. So maybe find a recommendation for one & get tested for vitamin/mineral deficiency, hormonal imbalance, cortisol levels = all issues with adrenal fatigue.
Some symptoms of Adrenal fatigue:
racing mind, depression, anxiety, sleep issues, mood swings, lack of energy etc etc (see symptoms list on the sites listed above & on the net)
Dont let this sociopath control your life now. You have broken free of her…now is the time to get your life back!!
Take care.
(before you make any changes in your diet, check with a doctor & tell them what you wrote in your above post)..
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alteredreality – I am so sorry for what you have endured. Yes, she is definitely a sociopath.
This just happened 4 days ago, so it is all very raw. These relationships are highly addictive. So on top of feelings of rejection, you are also dealing with withdrawal. Literally. You might want to type “addicted to a sociopath” in the google search bar at the top of this column and read our articles on it. We also have some webinars that may help you. I’m working on a new one —How to recover from a romance with a sociopath. It will be ready in a few weeks.
Healing comes through No Contact. Is there something you can do to minimize contact with her? Maybe have someone else pick up your daughter, or arrange to come a little earlier or later? Or maybe not get out of the car?
Continuing to see her, especially with her acting like nothing happened (typical sociopathic behavior), just pours salt on your wound, and prevents healing from occurring.
Do not feel like you need to “make nice” with her.
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If you must see her, be very calm and businesslike. this is how to deal with them.
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It gets better once you love yourself more than you love what you thought she was. There are many examples of predators deceiving prey into believing they are getting what they want, only to devour them. The devil, the father of lies, is no different and will appear as an angel of light. My personal experience, well I married one and eventually she actually told me she was one. I did a lot of reading and the relationship didn’t last long after that. Given the signs/symptoms, they are a lot more common than most realize, workplace, churches, etc..etc… I beg you focus on your responsibilities and protect your children at all costs. This isn’t about you, its about your God given role to take care of them. You should know you are blessed to have them, don’t waste your time on those who would destroy you and your family.
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Being businesslike is neutral, not really pleasant. Think of her as an alien. there is a blog ‘thinking of sociopaths as aliens’. You can be a survivor!! Hang in there.
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Alteredreality, I’m sorry for your suffering. Glad you had the courage to post your post here at Lovefraud. It’s not easy to come to a support site & express your feelings, especially with regards to being conned by a sociopath. But, it’s a huge step in the healing process. You should be proud of yourself.
The biggest red flag with this women & all sociopaths is the steady lying with ease that they do. I remember the first time really catching my ex in a lie…I was absolutely shocked, as we were at dinner with his friends who I just met (we had just started seeing each other) and he was not only lying to all of us, but he was attempting to drag me in to verify his lie. It was shocking. Never have I been in such a position. Huge moment that really upset me and wanted nothing to do with him…he was so masterful at manipulating everyone that I turned my head away from my gut instinct = run from him.
Look up the term “pathological liar”.
Sociopath lie about everything! For fun & to get out of a lie. They will twisted up your mind so much with a lie, then when caught in a lie, they will then tell you another lie. It’s crazy. You become so mentally exhausted from them talking & their lies, you just let it go. You just want peace. So you just let it go. But, you cant do this with anyone, you have to call them out on it and if you see anyone switch to another lie = RUN from them.
My ex, like most sociopaths, including yours express “I love you” quickly. My ex too within weeks. I remember him telling me he loved me and I was thinking “really”, this was a light bulb moment, that stuck in my mind. It was odd, it was only a few weeks, I was not ready to express this back to him, but he manipulated me to tell him the same, even though I did not feel this way. This is what sociopaths do…once you are manipulated to say or do things they want, you start to believe their lies and you start to believe that you loved them.
The fact is most likely you did not fall in love with her. You were just manipulated to believe you did. I know for a fact, I never loved my ex h, he just messed with my mind with brain washing & mind control to make me believe this. Take the time now to really analyze the beginning stages of this relationship, to see if you really did fall “in love with her” or if she just manipulated your mind to believe you fell in love.
It helps to write things down that she said to you & did to you in the beginning, middle, end of the relationship, to really see this relationship in its true state. After I left my ex h I did just this, I was shocking, my mind saw everything but he had me under his cult like spell. You have to look at a sociopath as a cult leader and you as their cult follower. You will most likely see you never loved her, she just pushed over your boundaries to manipulate you into believing you did.
Read the book: Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker (your local library may have this book).
Sociaoths literally use trance, hypnosis and brain washing to control their target. Look these up with the word sociopath. It’s absolutely shocking what they do to gain control of someones mind. So scary!!
Look up on Lovefraud and the net:
Sociopath triangulation
Sociopath smear campaign.
Sociopath No contact rule
Gas lighting abuseAlso Donna Anderson (Lovefraud site creator has a book up at the top under store called “Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath. Worth your time to read also.
BE VERY CAREFUL HOW YOU DEAL WITH THIS SOCIOPATH!! SHE IS DANGEROUS!! SOCIOPATHS WANT TO DESTROY PAST TARGETS WHO HAVE FOUND OUT THE TRUTH THAT THEY ARE SOCIOPATH.
This sociopath could easily get you arrested with her lies for what every crazy idea she comes up with so that you dont expose her. She can tell other mothers who pick up their kids lies about you. So be very careful. These people are crazy. And you have to be very careful. I am with “VictimOfFemale” when he stated to come up with a plan to avoid this crazy sociopath this next year. Even if you have to move schools. Like “Vicitmoffemale” you dont want this woman around your child. Also remember that the apple does not fall far from the tree & her daughter could be one too & will manipulate your daughter (maybe not but you need to be on guard & protect your daughter from this adult sociopath).
Remember also sociopath will boomerang back into a past target life if the new supply dumps them. So keep the NO CONTACT RULE in place.
KEEP A JOURNAL OF EVERY CONTACT YOU HAVE WITH THIS WOMAN WITH DATES, TIMES, WHO WAS A WITNESS ETC AND MAYBE TALK TO A LAWYER FOR A FUTURE WITNESS THAT YOU HAVE COME INTO CONTACT WITH WHAT YOU BELIVE TO BE A SOCIOPATH.
What ever you do, DO NOT TELL THIS WOMAN SHE IS A SOCIOPATH they will then most likely destroy you because sociopaths do not want to be exposed, ever. Bit your tongue and start to form a circle of friends with the other parents that pick up their kids so that you have some protection.
Wishing you all the best.
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Hang in there.
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alteredreality,
My experience with a female sociopath was very similar to yours. Please remember that you are not alone in what you experienced.
There is something that I think it is important for you to know as you begin your healing process, this could be an additional shock if you are not prepared for it. I’ll share my experiences in this regard, and you can determine how this could impact you.After my female sociopath (“M.”) discarded me, my best friend of 30+ years and his wife (I had known her for 24+ years) did not believe my story…they said that this was a normal breakup and I should not be saying bad things about M. They had met her several times, over lunch at restaurants, during the 7+ months that I “dated” M. My friends said: we met her, she’s nice, you (me) are either lying about her or you’re crazy (note that “crazy” is not a clinical term, shows how little they know about mental health). My best friend then(verbally) tore me to pieces, telling me that after a few months I should be over it. Needless to say, they are now former friends. Part of the reason this happened is that M. had been in contact with them and she was able to convince them that I was crazy and probably told them that I would be saying a lot of bad things about her but they should not believe me because I was crazy, etc. Ms. was so charming that she could charm the bark off a tree, and my friends believed her totally. They had known me for 30+ and 24+ years, they had seen her at most six or seven times in 2017, they did not know her before 2017. But they believed her over me.
Be prepared for this. The emotional distress over being discarded and then learning that the “relationship” was never real is so intense that some “friends” may abandon you because they are not willing to offer the emotional support that you need. It is times like these when you will see who your true friends are. This can happen in family: I came very close to cutting off an uncle who was uncaring in this regard.
I also found that evangelical (Protestant) Christians were the most likely not to believe me and to be uncaring and harsh to me. Even though the things that I am almost certain that M. did, such as cheating with as many as 100 different partners (well, actually worse than cheating, because I am almost certain now that M. worked at nights as a prostitute–of course I did not know this at the time) while she and I were “dating” are viewed as very sinful by evangelical Christians, the evangelical Christians told me that I was the person in the wrong for saying bad things about M. So you may also find that if you have friends and family members of any particular religion, you will find out which of them truly believe and live the tenets of their faith. Turning “friends” and family members against the victim is something that sociopaths love to do, it is part of the collateral damage.
Don’t let anyone tell you what your recovery timetable should be.
If anyone tries to tell you (as happened to me) that this just a normal breakup and that you are wrong in your beliefs about what happened, tell them (as I did): hey, I could be wrong but it works both ways, what she did and does could be even more terrible than what I believe. Not having consciences, sociopaths can and do do the unthinkable.
M. “dated: me for 7+ months in 2017 (this is what I believe) to help hide from her friends and family that she was transitioning to doing a lot more of the “work” I mentioned earlier. Friends, family members, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. would never dream that a woman who has finally found “the one” she has been waiting for all her life would be a prostitute.
Of course I would recommend Donna’s book Love Fraud when you are at a point in your recovery when it would be good for you to read it. This book was very helpful to me.
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Now you have this support system so it is different. Print some posts from here and take them with you!
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alteredreality – good for you. You might want to look into the “Grey Rock” method of disengaging – type the term into the Google search bar at the top of this column. Your goal is to get her to leave you alone, so you don’t even have to walk with her. You did well with not talking to her – you could work on saying even less.
I’m glad you’re feeling better. Working out will help a lot!
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Altered reality,
Wow. If you are able to work out, more power to you. That’s great. Hopefully, you might get out of this better than we thought. Do NOT take these people lightly just because you had a one-day experience with her that wasn’t “awful or traumatic”. The fact that she had so many “complaints” over her break fits perfectly into the NPD/spath’s character.
There have been many movies and books done on considerably LESS than what happened to me. I was psychologically abused for a year by an upright-walking snake who rivals Pamela Anderson in looks. Manipulation. compulsive lying. Controlling. Love bombing. You name it.
I read where a doc did an in-depth study on psychopaths and concluded that their favorite tactic was to “gain our sympathy” via a web of convincing lies. Watch yourself. Your little walk back to the car together listening to her complaining could’ve been warning signs for you. Yes, the Gray Rock method sounds like the way to go if you absolutely must be in her presence.
I absolutely CANNOT and WILL NOT be in my abuser’s presence.
She tricked me into buying her a fully loaded sports sedan not to mention quite a bit of cash totaling 35 grand. I had set my mind on buying a car for a needy family that was having a hard time making ends meet. She played me like a Stradivarius just for sick thrills. I’ve been in the depths of PTSD ever since.
I’m still furious that she continues to fly under the radar as a COVERT narcissist and has completely “gotten away with it”.
Imagine how I felt knowing she drove that car straight home to the husband she “didn’t have” after pulling off a con of a lifetime. Attorneys tell me I have “no case” because there’s no law against “accepting” gifts. That was salt poured directly into my wound. Good luck to you and AVOID her at all costs. Trust me.
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