The struggle of No Contact

Hi Summertimesadness, Sending you huge hugs!! ??? so glad you found this amazing site full of invaluable articles & support.

You can do a search up at the top right corner for specific articles. Also up at the top there are great videos by Donna Anderson (site creator) that are worth your time. Plus, on the Home page scroll down to the yellow box to have steps for healing and also at the top under “book store” you can find books on healing & also Donna’s books. If do do a search on the book title, Donna has post on the books. In addiction do a search on “mary ann glenn” she has free online counseling groups. She is excellent at breaking down what happened.

?CONGRATULATIONS ?on starting the No contact Rule. It’s not easy to impose this rule…but it is the ONLY way to have peace & calm in your life. Sociopaths will always try to boomerang back into your life so slamming the doors shut by educating yourself here at LF is the best way to forever keep him out of your life.

I’m so sorry that you have been dealing with this nightmare of sociopath for 3 years. Very sad to read that.

You state:

“I’m just so depleted by this cycle”

That is his goal!! If you are exhausted mentally & physically he then has full control & power over you.

What is the ultimate goal of a sociopath”

POWER & CONTROL.

I too, was utterly exhausted mentally, emotionally, spiritually & physically by me ex h, a sociopath (12 years nightmare marriage).

My health was horrible when I left. I was suffering from PTSD like most victims of a sociopath. No doubt you too. Getting your health back in order is essential to move forward.

Look into Adrenal fatigue symptoms on the net…here are a few sites that have good info

Adrenal fatigue. org

Dr Lam. com

Plus your local library may have their books or others on the subject. On another support site the site creater asked if anyone had health issue when with the sociopath. Over 400 victims stated YES!! And listed their symptoms = all Adrenal fatigue symptoms.

Here are a few symptoms (it’s a long list):

Racing mind
memory loss
mood swings
sleep issues
anxiety
depression
panic attacks
etc see full list on the sites above.

When you have a breakup with a normal person the body releases a large amount of cortisol and this will also cause a racing mine like you are experiencing now. But with a sociopathic relationship the victims cortisol levels are high everyday and then when you break it off they increase…it’s brutal to feel all these hormones at once after a discard.

It’s great that you are so educated & now asking more questions.

-How many times did you attempt NC?

This is tough to answer because I did not even want to date, move in or marry my ex h. He just keep pushing my boundaries.

During the marriage every day I wanted to leave him. About year 5 I found proof he was cheating with a co worker & I was done (they had a two year affair by then). I was leaving…started packing etc. Only to have him love bomb me back in. I dont think he ever ended things with is mistress. For the next 7 years it was worse and I tried to leave often. Part of the problem was I traveled weekly & that gave me time to leave only to be sucked back into his con game & mind games when I got home. My health plummeted. My self esteem plummeted because he pushed the blame on me & I too the blame because of health issues & low self esteem at that point.

At the end I drove 3000 miles away from him & only saw him in divorce court. I was lucky enough to find a counselor who was knowledgable in sociopath abuse and told me day 1 who I was dealing with. That was it I was done with the marriage. However, he attempted to hover me during the divorce & manipulate me. It was not until & blocked him from everything and in divorce court when he attempted to talk to me & walked away. Every time he attempted to contact me with long ranting blaming mind game emails I felt sick. And I was finally seeing what he was physically doing to me. SO this helped me to just end the physical & emotional pain he was causing along with his mind twisting.

You must just get to the point of blocking him knowing that he is pure evil and wants to destroy you with his words and possibly physically. I know my ex could easily murder me. So that makes you also realize that he is too dangerous for my mind, spirt & physically to even have a normal break up.

You ask:

How long into NC are you and how do you feel now?

It’s not easy to get back to “normal”. It’s a very slow process.

I would suggest that you google “Grieving stages” and read up on this. Ending a relationship with a sociopath is like someone has died. And your body will go thru the same “grieving stages” as a death. This helped me to be kind & patient with myself during the healing process.

Getting my health in order was a huge turning point for me. My Endocrinologist Doctor (doctor that deals with Adrenal fatigue) gave me Dr Wilson’s adrenal vitamins 4 times a day along with a Rx of natural progesterone hormone pills and within hours my anxiety was half & within weeks my mind was not racing (thinking about him) and I was able to breath again & have calm moments. I still cried, sobbed etc that I had been conned from day one. But it was a lot easier to deal with the divorce and just life in general.

When I first left I would literally sob for hours, when I though I had no more tears left, I would sob for more hours. Then one day..the crying stopped. It’s wild how our minds & body heal & know when to let go.

Every time I was sad, angry, crying, sobbing, I would come to Lovefraud & read & watch the video up at the top and that would literally help calm my mind. And more importantly it was opening my mind up from all of my ex’s mind control & brain washing (sociopath do these things exactly like a cult leader!!)

Hope this helps out. Keep asking questions, reading & venting. It is part of the healing process.

Hugs to you! ???

Wishing you all the best. ?

Take care.

congrats on NC.

hey summertime – i’m in my 3rd no contact – 2 weeks in! it is hard, but i finally feel like *i* dont want to have anything to do with him. i know he will try contact again, but i think i’ll have a different response next time. i’m recognizing all the manipulative tricks he has and calling the lies out as lies. realizing that it’s my choice to let him back in was a big step, but taking back that control is really powerful. we all stumble, just get back to taking care of you

Summertime and Jan7,
I can relate so well to this. Am exhausted after 1.5 years being entrapped with a sociopath, and have finally (i hope!) broken free from him–one week NC today. after being away for only one week, i can feel my “self” and sanity returning.

What really caught me about your conversation is the back and forth of being in contact and going NC numerous times. this is the latest NC for me (i think 3 times now). i’ve always wondered why, when we’re not speaking to one another, that he won’t block my phone number–and i won’t block his? its as if he’s waiting for me to block him first, and if i don’t, he’s leaving the door open for future abuse cycles. Ugh…. Its so sickening.

Also, i’ve thought many times that–if he didn’t physically kill me–he would force me to the brink where i’d want to kill myself. my narc sister has done this to her bf (father of their son)–the bf attempted to kill himself after years of her nasty behavior. trouble is, she’s trained their son to be just like her….

if nothing else, i can now say that i know how people get entrapped with these disordered individuals. really anybody with a good heart is a prime target for them. we just need to be vigilant and watch for the signs.

Kris922 & Summer…look at Uwfrog’s post I posted info about Gavin Debecker for both of you too. ?

just wanted to add that why you still want to contact him:

he created an addiction in you to want him. This is what you will need to break. An addiction just like food or alcohol. So you must be very conscious of your feelings. You will break this addiction with the no contact rule.

Also a sociopath manipulates or hormones. So right now you have a lot of cortisol & adrenaline running thru your body since breaking up (& while with a sociopath) that makes you want him. Look into adrenal fatigue symptoms.

Do a search on “sociopath addiction” here at LF, Donna has written quite a few articles on this subject that are worth reading.

Summertimesadness,

I agree with what Jan7 wrote.
I suggest you google an article by Donna called “why relationships with sociopath are so addictive”. It explains very well why we struggle with NC – we are not going through a normal break up. We are battling an addiction that SP created. And it is a hard addiction to break.
Expect to break the NC at some stage – then go back to square one.

Instead of focusing on days of NC to be achieved (e.g. I am not going to contact him for 30 days), focus on not contacting him one day at a time. If you feel like emailing/texting/calling – write a note in a journal or your thoughts in an email to self. Save into drafts. Return to it tomorrow if needed.

Jan7 also made a good point that for you relationship was real and it is very much like losing someone to death.

I broke up with my SP in February. We’ve been together for 4 years and it was pretty much lovebombing phase until I found out about his double life, an undisclosed wife in another city and a whole other bunch of lies. He was a complete fraud and I cut it off by refusing to move in with him/get married.

Even though there was no obvious abuse or devaluation phase I found myself drowning. If strangers asked me why I was sad, I’d say that my partner had passes away (which is true, that fantasy partner did pass away). It is very important to feel the grief, to cry as much as you need to, to not be stuck just in anger and going on a bender. Depending on your spiritual beliefs, you may do a goodby ceremony or similar, again this of them as dead.

Despite all the LF reading and support from members I booked the NC rules twice:
No 1 was around Easter when I sent him a simple Easter greeting (I felt rude not acknowledging Easter as this man did make me very happy over the years, was with me when I was sick, helped my ill child and we had a lot of fun and fantastic experiences together). His response was such I cannot publish here. Let just say, it was all my fault.

The 2nd time was when I got a message that he could not return an item of property to me because he dad passed away. Of course I responded with my condolences, again I could not be rude, could I? This time his response was as to why I had to ‘destroy the most amazing relationship”. Balancing between the need to feel safe and telling him why we broken up I responded “because you were dishonest what we were had to end”. I got a page long denial that there was anything with his wife, that she was just a friend, it was not a relationship and anyhow, she was overseas (she was not). He did say he was madly in love with me and kept thinking about me every day. It was hard not to respond to that, so I did. I acknowledged that it was very difficult for me and hopefully with the passage of time it would be easier. I have not heard from him until a package with the item he returned to me as promised. So I am hoping he has now moved on to another target.

It has been almost 5 months and I still have dark moments, when the wonderful memories of him override the realty of what he is. When this happens, I am journaling what I am feeling and missing about him. Then write down a list of why I could not and cannot have a relationship with him (e.g. all his lies). This really helps. I now have about 20% of dark times, not 80-90% dark times (I can only imagine what it would be like for those who were discarded by SP and not voluntarily ended the relationship like myself).

I even found myself smiling and laughing at things the other day. I haven’t had fun and laughter since our breakup. For the first couple of months I felt emotionally dead. But slowly I feel better.

I found that planning each day in detail (plans can change later) helps. Going to bed early, eating well, journaling and also doing a “vision board”

The 3 books/resources that I found extremely helpful (there are references to them on LF and the web):
1. How to spot dangerous men before you get involved” book.
2. The 5 step exit book (the chapter on self care and making a vision board was particularly helpful). And
3. A book called “Boundaries” (boundaries is something I struggled my whole life, not just in intimate relationships but also with family and friends.

Please be kind to yourself at the moment, don’t feel like you have to explain what’s going on to other people (unless they have been involved with a disordered person, they will not understand and at best, starting telling to get over it by dating again, at worst saying you were overreacting and it was good relationship).

And remember to take NC one day at a time.

As to how long it will take to feel better: My was a 4 year relationship (with no living together or children). Now it is almost 5 months and I am feeling a lot better. I’d say, it will take me a year to be close to my old self. However, we will never go back to our old selves as the SP experience is a life changer.

Good luck and sending you hugs, love and courage!