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I’m grateful to find this information as I’m struggling to put the pieces together and make sense of the relationship I was in for the past year and a half that ended recently. I believe I have come to the stark conclusion that I was with a slightly narcissistic sociopath. The question I do have is, are they normally consciously trying to achieve all the actions mentioned with their partner: lying, cheating, stealing, control, etc. or is this more part of their nature and they are doing this subconsciously?
My story…
I met my guy and he “swept me off my feet” from the get go. Talked about marriage, future, etc. very quickly and by date 2, told me he loved me. I noticed some red flags early including when I didn’t respond to texts with the answers he wanted, he would become upset or distant. He also seemed to be in control of when we talked on the phone and our date times which always left me with that “hanging” feeling like our relationship was solely based on his schedule. But I persisted in the relationship because of that “undeniable chemistry.” After discovering multiple bold lies that he told about custody of his daughter, his job, where he was certain nights, his ex-wife now I look back and cannot believe I blew off those big red flags. He had my under his spell. I then experienced the stonewalling, put downs, quick anger, and conflict avoidance. His common phrase he would use whenever I would try to bring up a possible issue is, “all you want to do is argue” and put the blame back on me. More red flags included the admittance that he shot and killed some of the “extra” dogs on his farm, told exaggerated stories, asked to borrow money, and humiliated me on a few occasions in front of his daughter. The final straw was discovering he cheated on me with his ex-wife and even with all the strong evidence, still denied any part. Looking back, I feel ashamed that I let it go on for the time I did but then I realize, he would always do the “right” things towards me after the bad, which was enough to keep me around and downplay the lies. It just shocks me how much this grieving process hurts even with all the hurt he caused. Now I’m happy to find information to help me through this, seeking counseling, and clinging to my faith to get me through.
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iwillrise – Welcome to Lovefraud – although I’m sorry for the experience that brought you here.
What you are describing is classic sociopathic behavior. Sociopaths are not delusional, so they know they are lying, cheating, etc. However, because of their tremendous sense of entitlement, they feel entitled to do whatever it takes to get what they want. And because they do not have empathy or the ability to love, they have no internal mechanism to stop them from hurting someone else.
They know they are hurting you or other people. They just don’t care.
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iwillrise,
Thanks for sharing your story. I too have been and am still involved with a sociopath. They are very scary people who feed off negative energy and to make it worst they cast a spell on us which makes it difficult for us to leave the relationship and constant punishment in which we are subjected 🙁 But there is always hope for healing and recovery. Stay strong!
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You’re me last year. I spent so long trying to figure out if what he was doing was subconscious. I thought if I could just figure out how to get through to him, he’d see that his behaviour wasn’t okay.
I can see now that he lied about everything, right from the start. It’s hard to understand because we would never treat people like that. Look back at the behaviour that didn’t make sense because his words didn’t match his actions. When he told you not to do something, but the reason he gave didn’t make sense? Those words were a lie. Listen to your intuition and think about why an abusive man would lie about why he said you can’t do that/ see them/ go out/ etc. Read this:
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/2016/03/what-it-means-when-a-narcissist-says-i-love-you/ -
monkey,
Thank you for sharing the article. It’s harsh but true 🙁 -
Your story could be my story. I am 1.5 years clean of mine but the “ You always want to argue” is SO classic!!! Mine could not have a conversation about anything we didnt see eye to eye on. He immediately went to blaming me on arguing. Uggg!!!
It will get better. I read soooo many books and that really helped. Do whatever makes you feel better. Be good to yourself. Get a pedicure, etc.. Be lucky you got out quickly as I did. It still took me a year or more to truly feel normal again so just let time heal. Peace to you…
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