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It’s been a little over a month since our relationship ended. I went no contact about 2 weeks ago. Today I saw him at the gym, we didn’t speak, but just seeing him sparked a complete break down for me. I go to bed every night and wake up every morning heavy. I just don’t know how to get out from under him. How do I make peace with the fact that he doesn’t care how much I’m hurting or how much damage he has done to me? How do I make peace with the fact that nothing about our relationship for him was probably true and real? My family and friends understand I’m hurting, but I hid so much about our “relationship” from them that they don’t really understand and I don’t know how to convey just how much he’s brought me down. I’m at a loss and I just want to feel somewhat normal again.
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The beginning of recovery is dumping him – and you have done that – congratulations. Now comes the hard stuff – understanding just what he is (a selfish, cruel, uncaring, unfeeling non-human) and understanding that YOU did not deserve this. That takes time and work. Read everything you can on sociopathic/narcissistic traits and realize that this is a pattern – it had nothing to do with you. You were merely another playtoy along his path. He has done this before and will do it again and wherever he goes he leaves carnage and pain. Congratulate yourself for getting out. Remind yourself how strong and capable and worthwhile you are. Believe it. Keep posting here. The horrible tales and hopeful recovery stories WILL help. Blessings to you.
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sarg,
Keep it up, keep it up, keep it up. Stay no contact. You will do this, even though it is SO very difficult, and you would probably just like to wake up a year from now with all of this behind you.
Time is your enemy and your friend right now. Use it. Feel the awful feelings, continue to learn/read and understand, treat yourself with as much tenderness as humanly possible, and keep coming back to tell us how you are doing. Just like you have. The more time passes, and the more you treat yourself well, and face this head on, the BETTER YOU WILL FEEL.
Promise. But it does take take and energy. Eventually you will find yourself, bit by bit, focusing on something that is interesting to you, enjoying other peoples company, and having long bits of peace and calm. Your nervous system will heal itself and calm down, instead of taking you into a fight-or-flight response.
Hang in there!!!!!
Slim
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Sarg – The breakup is very recent. It is going to take time, and it is going to be a bumpy ride. All you can really do is stick it out.
You may want to change your gym, or change the times when you go to the gym. It may certainly feel unfair that he is the jerk and you need to change your life because of it, but running into him may just be too painful right now. Distance and No Contact is what will heal you. Do what you must to maintain No Contact.
It will get better, I promise you. But for the time being it may feel painful. Allow yourself to feel the pain. It is better than burying it within you. If you do that, it will either come out later, or it will draw another sociopath into your life. So give yourself permission to grieve and process what happened.
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Hang in there.
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