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Just got out of a very serious year-long relationship. It was great at the beginning- a couple of red flags, but the real abuse started about six months in. Constant verbal attacks on who I am as a person masked as psychological analysis led me to severe depression. Yelling at me for hours for reasons such as a relative of mine looking at him weird or me making tiny mistakes like not knowing which way to turn in a familiar area. The further after those six months, the less affection and care he showed for me until our only communication became me sending him as much love and support as possible (paragraphs about how I’m here for him no matter what he’s going through and how deeply I care and any thoughtful gesture I could come up with; his mental health was sinking lower and lower, and he was not in a good place at all) met with abbreviated one word responses. All the time. I was supposed to trust how much he cared about me and loved me (questioning it was met with verbal attacks) but I was only ever given reasons to believe otherwise. He told me all the time how much worse I was making his life when the sole focus of my life was making his life better. The only time he ever built me up was after episodes where he yelled at me over nothing until the wee hours of the morning as I bawled my eyes out and he felt so bad because he would later realize he took out a panic attack on me though in the moment he was convinced I was the worst. When he had to step out of line at a restaurant to get some fresh air because of a panic attack, I got the order then left it with some teenage girls so that I could check on him. I found him throwing up by the car. When I tried to comfort him, he yelled at me for leaving the food. When I went back and got the food and brought it to the car and he had a really bad panic attack, he then screamed at me for not doing anything. But I was so scared. I was constantly terrified to do ANYTHING in the relationship because no matter what I did, it was met with verbal attacks. When I finally gathered enough self-respect to leave him, he finally realized how much I meant to him. He told me everything I had been longing for so long to hear- how he only wants to be with me, he’s never been more sure of anything in his life, he’s worked on himself and made sure he could treat me the way I deserve because I deserve so much, he has a new treatment plan, etc. And I tried to believe it because I did love him so much. But within a day, he was attacking me again for not being able to immediately forgive him. So I officially ended it. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions since then. Guilt for leaving him at his lowest place and trying to check up on how he’s doing through mutual friends or social media stalking (not healthy). Anger and bitterness at everything he did to me and the way he made me feel. Paralyzing anxiety of seeing him in public or when I come to a location of an abusive episode (most places I go to as this was a frequent occurrence). And the flashbacks. I think I’ve forgiven him when I’ll all of a sudden remember something and all the hurt comes back and I’m filled with anxiety. I just want to heal and move on, but there’s so much that has happened it’s like an endless supply of painful memories dispensed at random times. And I’m also worried that he’s victimizing himself or remembering me in a bad light. I don’t know how someone could possibly twist anything that went down to being my fault, but that was a talent of his. And for some reason, I still care what he thinks. I still want him to be fond of me and I hope that in his conversations with friends, he’s telling them how horrible he feels for everything he’s done. But then again, he doesn’t remember the worst of the things he said because he was in a different state of mind and would forget after the panic attack passed a lot of the time. Obviously this is a very brief telling, but I just don’t know what to do with all my emotions. I also must add that I’m a teenager, and I’m terrified that this will have a lasting effect on the rest of my life and all other relationships.
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myanonuser,
First off, excellent job finding your way here, and telling your story. I think you have also done a very good job of identifying the abuse you suffered, and that it is NOT you, but him that was the cause of all this suffering. This website has TONS of good information in the Archives, down below in the big red section.
The feelings are going to be very intense, heightened by the fact that you aren’t ‘just’ breaking it off with someone, but that you are dealing with the after affects of abuse (anxiety, despair, anger, disgust, worry, etc). Now you have lots of people and places that trigger you into those feelings, making your sense of calm unpredictable.
Basically, to get through this the best first step is NEVER to have ANY kind of contact with him, with people who support him, or to even look him up on social media. This no contact needs to extend over a very long period of time, until the thought of him makes you feel nothing. And even then it is best to stay completely disengaged.
The next thing is you have to live with these feelings until they pass. It helps to have people to talk/share with who understand what he really is. This is VERY SAFE place to share. The people on LF are kind, understanding, and knowledgeable. You might find that friends may not really understand what you have suffered, and may simply think you are exaggerating, or that you should ‘just get over it’. That is why having people like the ones on LoveFraud is super helpful.
You can pour your heart and thoughts out here, and learn a lot too.
This IS NOT A LIFE SENTENCE, even though it might feel that way now. Feelings are temporary, and will change over time. But you will need to take care of yourself: try to sleep as much as you are able, get some exercise (anything will help), eat well, share your story with people you trust 100%, keep anyone you don’t trust AWAY from you, and go to counseling if you can.
Learning about people like this at a young age is difficult and scary. It is also an opportunity to know so much more about the dark side of human beings, and protect yourself. Many of us here didn’t have access to information about people with these kinds of personality disorders, and so didn’t protect ourselves. YOU can protect yourself in the future. This is GOOD NEWS.
I once threw up when I saw the guy that abused me. I got really shaky and nauseated, grabbed by friends hand, and then turned around in the parking lot and threw up. Then a few years later I saw him and NOTHING was there. I couldn’t have cared less. I could just see him for what he was: A seriously flawed and abusive human being. Someone to AVOID.
I am married now, to a great person! You will get through this.
Hugs, Slim
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Myanonuser – Slim gave you terrific advice – you can trust everything she said.
I think it’s probably a good idea not to date for a little while at least – wait until you are starting to feel better. It does take a bit of time to recover from these involvements. So let yourself recover first. How do you do that? You let yourself feel your emotions. Sometimes we try to bottle up our feelings – this may work temporarily, but eventually old feelings cause problems for you later on. So allow yourself to cry,grieve, feel your disappointment.
You also are entitled to feel anger, because he treated you poorly. And you want to express anger – but do it appropriately. This means you do not express your anger to the guy – you want to have No Contact with him. Rather, you bring to mind something that happened that you are angry about, and express it physically – perhaps by hitting a punching bag. I used to envision my ex-husband’s face in a pillow and beat it. The idea is to do something physical to release the anger, but do not hurt other people or animals. It really works wonders.
I agree with Slim – although it is painful now, you have learned a very valuable lesson at a young age. This will serve you well throughout your life.
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myanonuser,
I think it is pretty normal to wants solid answers, especially when we are hurting. There are answers to what happened to you, and why he is like he is. However, it can still be difficult to understand and accept the answers, because understanding a mind that is disordered is not very easy. We tend to want to use ‘normal’ logic and emotion in sorting out all the ‘whys and whatfors’. This simply does not work when it comes to understanding someone with a personality disorder. Their minds work very differently than our own. So it is easier to understand their BEHAVIORS, but less easy to understand their motivations. Our motivations are VERY different from theirs.
So, it is good to remember that they do what they do BECAUSE they have a personality disorder that COMPELS them to do some pretty rotten stuff.
As far as dating goes. I agree with Donna. Give yourself a bit of time to feel more centered, calm, and less emotional. Sometimes when we date too soon we end up feeling very dissatisfied with the new people we date. We might even compare them to the abuser/user we are trying to get over. It’s a weird thing, but it does happen. Or we just can’t seem to get interested in someone new. Or another crappy person senses we are in a low place and tries to take advantage of us, again.
So, just be certain you are level headed, and clear before you start dating again.
Hang in there,
Slim
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