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Hi everyone,
I left a relationship with a narcissist two days before Christmas. I should’ve left before but I couldn’t, or told myself it would be better to wait until I’d left work for the Christmas holidays so I would be free to take care of myself as I tried to recover. I wish I’d left three weeks before that, and I did try, but I wasn’t strong enough and he didn’t really have to try too hard to hoover me back in. The truth is, I didn’t want to leave him, even though I knew he was hurting me. So I stayed.
I did try to use those three weeks well and read up on why I am attracted to narcissists. Understanding how my childhood has impacted my love choices has helped me immensely and I have every faith that, by healing my inner child, I can be free of this Hell in the future choices I make. I’ve also read tonnes of stuff about narcisssists over the holidays and it’s clear that my ex employed every damned trick in the narcissists playbook. He lovebombed me, future faked me, kept me awake so long that I couldn’t think straight, proclaimed I was his soulmate, triangulated me with another girl (I have no idea why I thought that situation was ok at the time. Where was my head?), devalued me, created scenarios to provoke a reaction and then told me I was fragile when I got angry, and tried to ‘save me’ by telling me his attempts to modify my behaviour were his efforts to help me evolve into a better me. I also often felt really drowsy when he was talking to me, or interviewing me, and I’ve since seen something about narcissistic trance induction but I hope to God I was just tired!
I’m out of it now. I don’t hear from him and I’m living in a different country, so he can’t get near me, but here’s the craziest thing. I KNOW he was a narcissist. I KNOW I’m lucky to have come to my senses and got out. I KNOW he’s dangerous. So why am I struggling? Why do I miss this head case so much? Why does part of me WANT him to reach out to me and tell me that he loves me and can’t live without me? Why do I sometimes feel that I can’t stand up without him by my side, even though it’s obvious I’m doing just that as I survive each passing day? Is this normal? Did he really do such a number on me that life without him feels terrifying? What is happening to me?
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taliana 1 – I commend you for escaping the relationship. Yes, the guy is a complete narcissist/sociopath. And yes, what you are experiencing is completely normal.
The reason is because relationships with sociopaths are addictive. What you are feeling now is not love for him, but addiction. We have lots of information about this here on lovefraud. Type “addicted to a sociopath” in the Google search box above for articles. Or you might want to check out our webinars – lots of good info there.
So you need to treat this like an addiction. If you were addicted to alcohol, you’d need to stop drinking. With him, it’s the same – you need to keep him out of your life. That’s why No Contact is so important. The longer you maintain No Contact, the more the addiction will subside and your head will clear. So stay strong! No contact!
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taliana1,
Donna is spot on. It is an addiction. The interactions we have with a disordered person create neurochemical responses in our bodies that create the addictive process. Just like many drugs and alcohol.
This means that hormones and neurotransmitters get totally wound up and we end up with a fierce biological attachment to our abuser. This is also referred to as Stockholm Syndrome. It is not just ‘in our heads’. It is our whole beings that are affected by the manipulations, the ups and downs, the sex and love bombing. To the point that leaving becomes very painful and confusing.
The longer we stay completely away, without any contact, the easier it is for our bodies to heal, for our systems to adjust back to normal, and for us to feel (once again) detached, rational, sane, and calm.
I found that addressing all aspects of my being was needed to become whole again. I needed some kind of exercise/movement to work out the high levels of adrenaline and cortisol, and to help re-regulate my neurotransmitters (like dopamine and serotonin). I needed to educate myself to help my feeling level out, to feel like I was empowering myself, and to re-establish my self-esteem and to trust my judgement. I needed friends and a therapist to ‘let it out’, to get emotional without compromising my progress. I needed good food, sleep, and a pretty calm life to make sure I stayed on track.
What you have been through is tantamount to a natural disaster, a totally traumatic experience. Look up symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder).
Congratulations for taking the first steps in reclaiming your life!
Slim
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AddictionL the body produces oxytoxin (sp), which is a substance that makes you forget. This is why a woman is said to have a second child, forgetting the pain of the first one. Also oxytoxyn is fueled by estrogen. This info is online, explaining why women who are victims of violence go back to the man who hurt them. It is not your fault. You are in the right track, lucky lady.
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