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I was married for 17 years to a ‘normal’ person. Despite an unhappy marriage, I was always faithful as was he, but we split in 2018. For years I thought about what it would be like to meet someone who I had things in common with, who I could connect with. Despite not physically being with a man for a very long time I wanted to meet someone special for the first time having sex after marriage.
I tried online dating; went on a bunch of first dates but did not connect with anyone. Until I met “Bryan”. He was charming, handsome, we connected, I really thought that he would be around for the long haul as we were having so much fun talking and being intimate- he was the first guy in 17 years I had sex with besides my ex-husband. In the 5 weeks we were communicating, we sent over 5300 messages back and forth along with sex a bunch of times. It was a bomb of emotion, sexting, storytelling, sharing things- he overwhelmed me and I liked the attention- I even thought I was falling in love, and how lucky I was to have found this guy.
But after 5 weeks, the vibe changed. Communication started to slow. I got the feeling he was pulling back. I saw he updated his online dating profile, then deleted me from ‘the list’ despite telling me he was “all mine baby”. I questioned him about our ‘relationship’ status.He got angry and hostile- a far cry from the sweet guy I had met. He ghosted me, ceased all communication and wouldn’t answer very simple questions about why he chose to discard me when initially, he was very into everything we were doing.
I was devastated. I didn’t even know this type of thing existed- not being in the dating game for 17 years. I made some bad choices and sent him email after email, trying to make sense of it all, wondering if he was a con man, a fake, or just a heartless person with no values, or the real deal who just got scared of being in an awesome relationship. I was quickly spiraling into depression. AND THEN..It was at this time that I got very sick with what I thought was the flu or similar.
About a week into the illness I broke out in a blistery rash. I was distraught, hurt, emotionally scarred, physically ill, and dumfounded as to what had happened with someone that seemed to really connect with. I knew something was up with my health as I was never sick, and I found out that Bryan had quickly moved onto to sleeping with another girl and was on an online dating app looking for another hookup while sleeping with the girl after me. So I got STD tested and tested positive for HSV2- genital herpes. While in theory, I could have had this for 18+ years and never showed ONE symptom, I was pretty confident that he infected me, as he had talked about girls he had been with and the illness and the rash all fit into a typical infection timeline. I got past his ‘blocks’ and contacted him, he got tested and was positive of course. He was also quite hostile about it all.
This whole experience has changed my life forever. In the weeks to come, he ‘gifted’ me with about 2 hours of his time to talk (so I would stop freaking out) and in that time asked for sex (which I did not cave to). I got him to admit a few things that were clearly uncomfortable for him, and he promptly filed a no contact order against me.
He refused to supply other STD results and made me test for them.
He said he hooked up with women to fill voids.
He said he was addicted to sex.
He said women’were all the same’.
He said I ‘brought this on myself’.
But then he would give me a ‘hug’ and ask to hang out.I have never experienced a person like this, and hope I never do again. Not only am I emotionally scarred and not trusting of anyone, it’s hard enough to date as a 40+ year old single mom and now, I have to immediately tell anyone that has the potential to move on with me that I have a contagious, incurable disease that may or may not give them itchy blisters on their face and/or genitals if I have sex with them- with or without a condom. And I get to watch them walk away from me.
While some say ‘it’s not a big deal, a lot of people have this’.. to me, this is a huge deal and has ruined my dating life that never started. I did choose to have sex with him but I didn’t choose for him to be a sociopath. I really cared for him because I believed him- but I think it was all fake just to fill his void. He shattered my heart and trust with no regard whatsoever- both emotionally and physically. He jerked me around and played into my sympathies and ultimately, branded me with a disease that assures me I will never forget him, forget my hopes and dreams to find the guy that I thought could have been him. I am terrified to date, to even talk to someone about this, because I am embarrassed, ashamed that I fell for him so hard, and what happened was the perfect storm of emotional and physical turmoil. I don’t think I will ever get over him or this, or the fact that I acted like a fool because I thought he was the one.
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lilywhite,
“In the 5 weeks we were communicating, we sent over 5300 messages back and forth along with sex a bunch of times.”
Remember this. It is totally abnormal for two adults to have this much communication. Even people who are crazy in love. The same happened to me. This is what is called to LOVE BOMBING stage. They overwhelm you with attention, talking, sex, fun….and it FEELS delicious. But I also remember feeling a bit like it was just too much, and it also made me feel nervous.
At the time I ignored by nervousness, and I decided to tell myself that I had just never been with someone so EXCITING. Wrong. It ended up being anything BUT exciting. It was EXHAUSTING.
Approximately 15-20% of the human population suffers from a personality disorder. Call them what you will: Borderline, Narcissistic, Sociopath, Psychopath, Histrionic.
They all have a common thread of being unable to truly care for other human beings. They are black holes inside, and they do whatever they need to do to try and fill up that emotional void. They lie, steal, cheat, kill, torture, to get a ‘thrill’. They do this to get access to OUR emotions. Like vampires that need human blood to survive.
Cut this man off. Forever. Don’t give him one second more of your pain, hurt, confusion, tears, or anger. Nothing. Starve him out
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I’m so sorry all this happened to you. Are you seeing any doctors about this now?
You might want to look into this:
https://www.webmd.com/genital-herpes/genital-herpes-treatment-options#1
Sending tons of healing (especially physical) to you.
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Lilywhite – I am so sorry for your experience. He sounds like a classic sociopath.
Please look into treatment — it is available. Also, outbreaks are related to stress and emotional upset. It will help to process the emotional pain of this experience – as well as the disappointment of your marriage.
You did not deserve this. No one does. Again, I am so sorry.
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lilywhite- Your story is heart breaking! You’ve found the right site to help in your healing process. It will take time. You’ll go through so many emotions. I, too, felt so duped and kept re-hashing every last detail, conversation, and encounter only to end up with NOTHING. The existence of these people is counter to my being, and to my way of life. Even after watching lifetime movies and dateline, it’s an absolute shock when you’re the one who opens the bedroom door down the long dark hallway (to the sound of foreboding music). It’s almost like you lived in a bubble all your life until the snake found a way to wrap itself around you.
Keep researching, and get treatment, both physical and psychological.
It can be difficult to find people that truly UNDERSTAND what you went through, which is why this community is so helpful. The brainwashing and addiction is real. You’ll ultimately need to find peace within yourself, and forgive….but never forget by lowering your guard again. (It’s a sad reality) -
This was my story too. I was “lovebombed” where he showered me with attention, love, talks of the future. I was dumped via text in the middle of the night, and he moved on within a week. I feel devastated too. I am researching as much as I can and trying to find myself again. This man like my ex is a narcissist and has no feelings. Prayers
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