Can anyone help me understand? I will appreciate any help for closure!

harry1997 – yes, your ex is a complete sociopath. Everything you describe is right out of the sociopath playbook. It’s doubtful that he ever stopped gambling. Maybe now he is in debt again and needs someone to pay it. My guess is that he dumped you because he found a new target.

Please read Lovefraud – we have lots of information that may help you understand what happened. It will take time to get over this. Please give yourself time and permission to heal.

Harry1997,

Donna is correct. He is a sociopath. Everything you have written is a match for all the behaviors of a sociopath. You will never get any kind of closure with him, from him. He has, as they all do, moved on without any concern, pain, guilt, or shame. In the end, they show us just HOW LITTLE they cared for us all along.

The guy I knew broke off with me and then asked if I wanted to be friends and go get a drink. This was someone who had talked about our future, marriage, a life together. He did not shed a single tear, or show ANY kind of emotion. In fact I remember him looking rather smug, and relieved. He had several new ‘targets’ in line, and was leaving to travel. And, I think I had become too much ‘work’, and not an easy enough victim. I was making too many demands on him, that he change, that he be kinder, that he consider other people and not just himself. So he was just Mr. Happy Go Lucky, onto his next adventure. I was devastated, as you are. It is mind blowing to really get close to these kinds of people and see just how cruel and empty they are.

And, yes, he only acted kind toward your mum because she was doing something for him. Making him feel important, helping. He doesn’t care for anyone, truly.

I am glad you said that understanding he is disordered helps you feel a little less pain. It should. This is completely about his screwed up mind, and has nothing to do with who you are, your value, or any of your actions. It is just a pattern these types of people repeat over and over and over.

Slim

Hi Harry,

Yes, what everyone has said here is absolutely correct. Your ex-boyfriend–“Phil,” is that his name?–is a textbook psychopath in every respect. I’m sorry you were so exploited by him. It was never because of anything “wrong” with you, or anything you ever “did wrong.” At least, never in any moral sense, or anything that another human would (or should) ever “blame” you for. The only thing you ever “did wrong” was in quite a different sense: to make a mistake, because you didn’t know, and had no way of knowing, that you were doing so by sticking to a fellow not worthy of your loyalty.

Any of us humans can make mistakes like that, simply due to “not knowing”–about anything, including about people like psychopaths.

You were the only real victim of your mistake. That reminds me of the lines from that beautiful Irish song, The Parting Glass:

And all the harm that e’er I’ve done,
Alas, it was to none but me…

That doesn’t make you “bad” or “blameworthy.” Only him.

He fits perfectly the image of a psychopath, as you can easily see from reading the material on this site.

First and foremost, what is central to psychopathy: he lacks any semblance of empathy, kindness, caring or consideration for others, for their rights or feelings. Any sense of the fundamental need (and the nobility) of “fair exchange,” of gratitude or loyalty in return for favors received, means nothing to him. He doesn’t “see” any of this; more to the point, he doesn’t feel it, just as a blind person can’t see, and a deaf person can’t hear. All he gives a damn about is what he can get out of people to gratify his own wants and needs. Everything else can go to hell for all he cares.

He “uses” people the way you and I use objects. A bottle, for instance. We might go to the store, be attracted by, and buy a pretty bottle of wine, say, or of anything else we find tasty or useful. But once it’s empty, it’s no longer of value to us. It may be still pretty, but we can’t afford the clutter around our house. So we toss our empties away in the trash, without a second thought. We’d never bother to ask ourselves how the bottle “feels” about being discarded this way! Because bottles don’t “feel.”

But humans do! Yet that’s the way psychopaths treat other humans: like objects to be exploited, drained of whatever is useful to the predator–whether it’s money, sex, a place to live, a higher rung in the social ladder, worship and adulation, or whatever the psychopath wants–then tossed away like so much unwanted trash with never a thought for their needs, rights, or feelings. And never one ounce of remorse.

In your case what Predator Phil was after was chiefly money, it seems; though a comfortable place to live was another benefit, together with other, less tangible forms of emotional gratification he got out of you and your family. Point Two is that he was a shameless thief, a fraud and a liar, stealing from your bank account and credit cards and preying on you by any means he could muster.

Point Three is that lying is habitual with a psychopath. What he says is not a means of sharing truth with others. It’s merely a tool to fool and manipulate people into giving him–or letting him get away with–whatever he wants at any given moment. Sometimes they lie just for the sake of lying, because truth is irrelevant to them; or to get a chuckle out of seeing what kind of nonsense they can persuade others to believe. They practice ways of convincing others of whatever suits their purpose. They can work really hard on ways of fooling people, like those fake bank statements into which he put so much time and effort. To them it’s a work of art.

Point Four is that he was “charming,” of course–another stock trait of the psychopath–and all of this helped him to be the outstanding salesman he was. That’s all about manipulating people and getting them to buy his “pitch.” Some of the traits that typify psychopaths are unfortunately also likely to make them successful and influential in life–an evolutionary strategy, the very reason they’ve survived so long among the majority of normal humans.

Point Five is that he was extremely controlling–another trait that unfortunately can cause psychopaths to gain power over others, whether in business management or, most notoriously, in politics. Your guy would never let his cellphone out of his grasp–for good reason, because he was obviously cheating on you. On the other hand he insisted on inspecting yours, all the time, just in case you might be cheating on him. “Never let a victim out of your grasp!” was his motto. His control was obsessive to the point of paranoia. Some of this could be “projection” on his part. Abusers in general act as if they believe everyone is “like them,” and they accuse other blameless people of doing the very things they’re doing wrong themselves. “Cheating,” for instance. A curious thing about psychopaths is that while in neurological ways they’re singularly immune to fear, in other ways they can be surprisingly paranoid, in their reactions at least.

Hitler and Stalin were both like this, Stalin especially, always looking over their shoulder for people plotting against them. Of course, some of those people were plotting, which only goes to prove Joseph Heller’s aphorism from Catch-22 that “just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they aren’t after you.” But that doesn’t alter the fact that psychopaths can behave as if they’re surrounded by predators just like themselves, threats who must constantly be kept at bay or put down, whether they are or not. You also mentioned Phil’s apparent “insecurity,” which fits this pattern. Whether or not he could be truly be called “insecure” is a matter of definition!

Point Six is his addiction: to gambling in his case, but addictions of any kind are typical of psychopaths: alcohol, drugs, sex, porn, shopping, anything. It’s because of their emotional deficit, their “bluntness” to feelings of many kinds that they suffer from boredom and often look for anything to stimulate them or give them a “high.”

Point Seven is his impulsiveness, recklessness, and heedlessness of consequences–not just to others (he doesn’t care about them anyway), but even to himself! Many psychopaths like to “live dangerously” in one way or another for the sake of pure excitement and sensation. He risked prosecution for instance, if you’d chosen to nail him for fraud over your credit cards. But the chief example that comes to mind is his gambling. He couldn’t resist the impulse to gamble, even though he could lose his entire wages in ten minutes, he was ruining his own finances, and by your account was a quarter of a million sterling into the hole!

People like that are a walking disaster, and for that reason alone (never mind all the others!) nobody should waste their time trying to rescue them! This is called “enabling.” The more you try to rescue them, the more you numb them to the pain their addiction is causing them, which only allows them to continue indulging their addiction! We have to think of “rescuing” people in terms of pulling a drowning person out of the water at the end of a rope. If they fell in accidentally and don’t want to drown, if we’re strong enough to pull them out and they’re grateful, that’s all fine and dandy. But if they insist on drowning anyway, and we’re not strong enough, they can pull us into the water instead, and all we’ll achieve is to drown along with them! This is particularly true in financial matters. Partnering with (or marrying) someone addicted to gambling, or self-indulgent spending, is a recipe for disaster, guaranteed to ruin anyone’s credit rating, their wealth, and their health as well. Look out for people who will “pull you down” instead of helping to build you up. And beware of anyone who has a “double standard” in a relationship, where you allow them to behave in a way toward you that you’d never dream of doing yourself.

On the financial side, a quarter million is a heck of a lot of money to most people, in sterling especially. In terms of savings it’s more than many people will ever see in their lifetimes. So all I can say is that if you “helped” him get out of debt, I hope you didn’t contribute too much to it! Alternatively, if you did, I hope you’re affluent enough that it won’t ruin your life! Luckily there is one saving grace: that you’re young enough to be able to recover from the loss in time–unlike some victims.

That brings me to the subject of why some people are more prone than others to become targets of predators like this guy; some of them several times in a row! In short, the “risk factors” that make some people especially vulnerable, which are numerous.

If you happen to be well off, that could be one major reason why he targeted you. And if he’s drained you to the point where you’re either unable or unwilling to let him exploit you any further, that could be a reason why he dumped you–probably in search of a fresh victim, as Donna suggested.

I imagine also that being gay (or lesbian) might put some people more at risk of exploitation in romantic relationships, for various reasons including having a smaller pool of potential partners. This might leave anyone more reluctant to let go of the partner they have, even when he or she is abusive.

Two other points. Why would he tell you he was suffering from Crohn’s disease, if he isn’t? That might seem strange. Well, he might have been just having you on for the sake of what’s called “duping delight.” Psychopaths get a kick out of fooling people just for their idea of a laugh. Just as likely though is that it was one more thing to make you “feel sorry” for him, along with his debts and whatever other “problems” he claimed to have. In her book The Sociopath Next Door, Martha Stout discovered that some of these types, as pathetic as it sounds, like nothing better than to gain people’s pity. It attracts softhearted people and makes them easier to manipulate.

How about the difference in the way he behaved at his mother’s house compared with yours? That’s a mystery too. He seemed “like two different people,” acting so formally, like a guest in his own mother’s house, while he was more relaxed in yours, where he actually was a guest! At first sight that seems backwards. Yet it’s really just an example of the way psychopaths adapt to whatever person or people they’re dealing with. They’re like chameleons. Much of the time the way they’re presenting is not their real selves, but a fake persona they “put on” to fit the situation. It’s a form of camouflage, so they won’t stand out as “different,” though they are. They mirror people’s personalities to make people feel at ease with the psychopath, who seems “just like me,” or “one of us.”

In your case your home atmosphere was warm, welcoming, easygoing and friendly. So that’s the persona he adopted there, to make himself “fit in.” What about his own mother’s home? I can’t know what that was like, but I’m guessing the atmosphere as a whole was very different, not just himself. Since he was disordered, it’s likely he came from a disordered family. Part of it is often genetic. Psychopathy is distinctly heritable. This mother of his, no matter what superficial image she was presenting to the world, might very well have been a psychopath herself, or had some related personality disorder, narcissistic or whatever.

There are far more psychopathic and otherwise abusive females around than many people like to admit. People make far too many excuses for abusive, even murderous females, preferring to believe in the myth that females are “all nurturing by nature” or “helpless victims”; and females can be far more insidious in the abuses they inflict, and better at hiding it, or playing on their “feminine” image. So who knows what this mother of his was really like? Or his father, wherever he was? Two disordered people–mother and son in this case–might have learned to “walk on eggshells” round one another to survive in the same household. Hence his formally polite manners, with uneasiness underlying it. As a psychopath, at least he knew how to adapt, and “put on” the right persona to cope. If he rarely invited you to his home, seemed “on edge” there and “never left your side,” that might seem “protective” of you–and in a way it was–yet I suspect he also wanted to keep you away from understanding the kind of family he came from, and all the fakery, inconsistencies and other conflicts surrounding it–which of course reflected on himself as a product of that family.

Finally, why did you not only fall for this guy, but remain stuck on him when he was exploiting you so badly? There can be several good reasons for that, some of them seemingly contradictory. I’ve seen no mention of your father in your story, and it’s often important to look at childhood parental influences to see what might leave someone more vulnerable than most to being exploited this way. However, what does stand out is that your mother and brother seem kind, helpful and caring people. Sadly, as unjust as it is, having a caring personality is one of the risk factors that leave people more prone to being victimized by predators.

It’s not just that “caring people” are more willing to go on giving and giving while the predator just goes on taking and taking–though of course that is one factor among many. And they’re prone to unearned guilt when anyone works a “pity ploy” on them. Yet it’s more than that. It’s also an attitude of mind; a belief–often mistaken–in the supposed “nature” of humanity. The trouble is, to one degree or another we’re all prone to “projection”–to attempting to understand how other people’s minds and motives work in terms of ourselves, no matter what “we” happen to be like as individuals. Anyone with a kind, caring, sympathetic nature, the very opposite of the psychopath, is particularly prone to making the disastrous assumption that everybody else must be more or less “like themselves”–all the more so because they operate in emotional terms more than with the cold, ruthless logic of reality. The more they rely on their emotions, the harder it is for them to imagine “feeling” (or rather, “not feeling”) as a psychopath does. Kindly people like this have said they just “can’t comprehend” how creatures like psychopaths can exist. They have a hard time believing there are “wolves in the forest.” No wonder they find it so hard to realize when they’re being rooked, even when the evidence in front of them is as plain as the nose on your face.

It’s a harsh learning experience, that’s all. You’ll get over this. Better luck in the future!