Is my partner a narcissist?

Disillusioned – You are correct – he is disordered. Not sure exactly which disorder – could be antisocial, narcissistic or borderline – or a blend of them. But it doesn’t really matter. He is disordered, and he will never change.

The best thing you can do is end the relationship. But, you may need to be careful about how you do it – it could set him off. We have lots of info on Lovefraud. You also might want to check out our webinars.

Hello everyone I am new on here…… I have so many questions…. I am free from my partner but my mind isnt free and I just wanna have peace of mind to have a health relationship again. What do I do…..5 in half years with him and my mind needs to bw health again I need help trying to get back to who I was before him.

peaceoflife,

It sometimes helps to tell other people your story. We are here to support you if you want to share.

Generally speaking the first thing to do to start to regain your sanity and your life is to cut all contact with him. Unless you share a business or children it is best to have absolutely nothing to do with him. No facebook, no texts, no calls, no trying to ‘come to an understanding’. This will be the start of letting your overworked body (from all that stress) begin to balance. You can help your mind and body get back to equilibrium by eating well, maybe getting some exercise in, and trying to sleep as much as possible.

I hope you will continue to read what LoveFraud has to offer. There are lots of articles and education videos. And, all the people here are super supportive.

Slim

Disillusioned,

Yep, he sounds like a totally disordered person. Nothing good will come of staying in the ‘relationship’. Only more pain and suffering for you. Donna is correct he will not, cannot not, change. The only outcome in these situations is escalation of what is already happening: more lies, more abuse, more drama, more stress, more sleeplessness, more betrayal.

Slim

slimone !!! Thank u for replying to me , No he and I have nothing we dont have kids and any business we had everything was fixed in court with the divorce. Pain runs deep because my kids not his but mine have went through so much….. I have so much regret

peace- You were doing the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time. Don’t put yourself down.

Thank u so much I have to realize that the pain and the regrets I hold r real but slowly understand that he cant hurt us anymore and truthfully pray for the next young lady that has to deal with him.

peace- Take care of yourself. You are important. The next lady will deal.

Peaceoflife, You are welcome! That is part of what happens here at Lovefraud, we care for each other, provide requested feedback, and support each other’s learning. I would not have survived without this community, and Donna. The things I learned here, and the support that was given me, were like threads of gold helping me find my way to healing.

It takes time, and the pain is deep and difficult, but healing and a better life are possible. Lots of us here have overcome our shock and despair, and are living happily either alone or with new (healthy) partners.

It is good that you have no shared reason to stay in touch with him. And I am sorry your kids suffered. But Sunnygal is right…we all do the best with what we know at the time. You really do have to try and forgive YOURSELF for being with him. Don’t worry too much about forgiving him, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, and it is unnecessary for you to have kind thoughts towards him. Just do whatever you can to be kind to yourself, care for yourself, be gentle with yourself.

What you have been through is a TRAUMA. Like losing everything in a hurricane. You just ignored the warning to ‘evacuate’. That doesn’t make you a bad person, or anything like that. You just didn’t know the how destructive the storm was going to be.

Hugs, Slim

Hi Everyone,

I had been with my partner for 2 years. I’m not sure if he’s a narcassist or not but I strongly feel like he is. He often ends our relationship and if not end it completely, he will put me on silent treatment for days or weeks anytime I dislike anything he does to me, speak up with a difference of opinion, or try to set any boundries. He even has certain places that I am not allowed to go with him. He claims it’s because he is embarassed that we often breakup and doesnt want his friends to be disappointed in him because he keeps taking me back. ( We are not children ) If I try to tell him that I’m not okay with this and it is strange, his response is ” that’s my boundary”. This is not normal behaviour, I know this can’t be. He often tells me things and then says he didn’t say it. We can have a fight and his version of the truth is not what really happened, sometimes i’ll try to point that out to him. Other times I’ll just agree to keep the peace. He literally blames everything on me… I mean EVERYTHING. He does no wrong, never apologizes and is always accusing me of things. He smears my name with his friends and family and tells me how they tell him that I’m the toxic one and he has even told me that I’m a Narcissist. 😟

lost- He sounds like a narcissist. There is alot of information here on this disorder. He will not change. It is recommended to go no contact with him so you can heal from the betrayal. You can vent here.

SG

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Sunnygal.

lostandconfused,

He is doing EVERYTHING directly from the Personality Disordered Playbook. Everything you describe is the manipulative behavior of someone who is malignantly narcissistic. I suggest that you NOT confront him with this kind of information. It is not going to change, and each time you stick up for yourself, call him out, or set a boundary, he will up his abuse, lies and betrayal.

Your best move at this point would be to send him a final text stating you are no longer interested in seeing him, and then NEVER respond to ANYTHING. I know this sounds harsh. But, believe me, other than trying to lure you back in, and then abusing you again, he has NO INTEREST in you, your feelings, or your happiness. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS.

Please protect your own heart, life, and happiness, and get away from this awful person.

Thank you for the responses! I really appreciate getting to discuss this and my fears. I haven’t been able to do that.
He ended the silent treatment and came back but I caught him in lies. During our argument today, I told him that I was going to come over to discuss it in person. As over the phone he just screams over me and doesn’t let me talk. He told me that he would call the police and get me arrested if I went near his house. I was in complete shock, not sure why. His sister has threatened me before too. But I guess I was hoping he wasn’t a full blown narcissist. I turned my phone off instantly and said no more.
He called nonstop and then he started calling my kids etc. He threatened to call the rest of my family too. So, I called him back and then he was nice to me.
I’m starting to be afraid of him, I’m afraid to go no contact.

If you don’t go No Contact your children will think abuse is normal and it will get worse. You can tell your children you want to end this abusive relationship and if he calls to ignore his calls. You can use the Domestic Violence hotline for support.

SG

lostandconfused,

I understand your fear. I had it too. But, in the end, going no contact STILL ended up being the only real strategy for getting rid of the abuse. He did sneak under my car and remove the radiator plug, which almost ruined my truck. BUT, eventually, he went away and left me alone (when he found some new targets). Another one of these guys stalked me for quite awhile. And I STILL know that going no contact was the best thing.

Here’s the deal. If you let him TALK to you you will remain caught up in his lies and abuse. If they are talking, then they are lying, abusing, and manipulating. Keeping no contact allows YOU to get a CLEAR MIND, and increases the control you have over your own decisions. Letting him influence you, out of fear, will only result in MORE LOSSES FOR YOU. He will just enjoy making you miserable.

What does the ‘rest of your family’ think of him?

Hi Disillusioned,
I really get what you are going through – you have been putting so much energy into this person and the relationship ( though it sounds like you wisely so far have emotionally disengaged which is called Detached Contact ), but just being around this type of person is so energy draining and exhausting with all the time involved in the circular conversations and the endless mind games. Donna gave you very good advice. Don’t hesitate to communicate with us here in any way that you wish. Knowing that you have people who understand what you are going through and who you can communicate with can be a big help and support as you go through this trauma.
Blessings to you.

Hi peaceoflife,
I want to congratulate you on going No Contact, and going through the whole divorce and all that entailed. That in itself is a huge hurdle that you were so successful with. I think that we, as humans have a natural tendency to want to learn from things that have caused us pain, so that we don’t let them happen again. That does make sense, but there is a time right after a trauma seems completed, that you are actually still in the trauma – the after shocks are still happening. At this point, our minds are really not able to see clearly on their own because of the lingering pain. So during this interim that you are in, my suggestion is to catch yourself when you start to think of any self recriminating thoughts or any rehashing of the old relationship problems that may arise – and have some supportive reading or listening or watching information readily available. You could even get an affirmation book, or a book about healing from emotional abuse etc, that you can have right on hand. Anyway, that is what I did, and it really did bring me peace.
Blessings to you.

Hi lostandconfused,
It sounds like where you are at the moment ( from your last post in any case ), is that you see and realize that his behavior and speech fit the profile of one who is personality disordered of what ever type that may be – I myself like to simply call them Abusers. From what you said, you also feel that he can be dangerous, so that even if you are ready to go No Contact, you are afraid of what the repercussions may be. Even his sister, you said, threatened you, so you seem to be feeling very unsafe. I myself, though I have gone No Contact, have not been in the position of feeling threatened by bodily harm ( if that is indeed what you feel threatened about ), but if I was, I would try to get as much help as I could. I would tell my family that I feel afraid and ask for their help, and I would contact the police and I would tell them the situation too and ask their advise on the best protection plan. If anyone at the forum has had experience with this kind of situation, it would be helpful to know a good plan of action. If your fear, on the other hand, has a more psychological basis, then going No Contact as the other participants have explained will have the effect of alleviating your fears, because the disordered one is creating a situation with so much drama and confusion, and that situation causes fear to arise. By getting away from all of that, you will be amazed at how your happiness will return and how your peace will feel like a breath of fresh air. We at the forum are completely on your side and are ready to give you all the support you need as you navigate this difficult time.
Blessings to you

Hi Everyone,
Thank you for the understanding words, kindness and suggestions. I’ve decided that I’m going to go no contact and hope for the best. I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore, most of the time I can hardly handle being around him. He constantly degrades me, belittles me, and makes me feel worthless. I can do everything ” right ” and he will still find some fault in how I spoke, what I did or didn’t do. My opinions or thoughts are always stupid, immature and meaningless compared to his. I’m always wrong or don’t know what I’m talking about. He is a master at making sure I remember every wrong I’ve ever made and use that to keep me feeling like I owe him something. It’s gotten to the point that sometimes I appreciate the silent treatment and the break it gives me from him and his constant attacks on me. My family and friends all dislike him. They don’t understand why I keep going back. I don’t blame them, I don’t get it myself. I’ve hidden our relationship from them because I can’t deal with their comments and their confusion surrounding why I can’t end this toxic relationship. All his friends think he is this saint who is wonderful, caring and compassionate but they don’t know the man I know. They don’t get the treatment I get. He has them believeing that I’m the one who treats him badly. He’s extremely controlling & abusive emotionally/mentally and verbally to me. I am afraid of the repercussions of doing no contact but not in a physical sense. I don’t think he’d hurt me that way but I have seen how he tries to make people dislike me & he smears my name from past attempts. Him and his family have threatened to get me fired from my job etc. Many times he’s told me that I don’t deserve the life I have and that everything should be taken from me so I know what it feels like. Because he feels that when I leave him, I take everything from him. It frightens me to the point that I’ve started to believe this is going to happen if I leave him. I’m going to take all your suggestions and hope that No Contact works for me like it is working for all of you. Again, I’m very grateful to have found a place to talk. Where my situation is understood, I don’t feel judged and have people who understand what I’m going through.

lostandconfused,

This is a GREAT first step toward regaining your peace of mind, your sanity. Here are a few things to keep in mind:

1. No contact means never responding to him, no matter WHAT HE SAYS or threatens to do. No matter what. You keep in mind that he is going to try and get you to respond.
2. Tell your boss (if you SAFELY can) that you have been in an abusive relationship, have ended it, and that your ex has threatened to try and get you fired.
3. Tell your family the same. Tell them you really need their support to stay away from him, and to feel safe.
4. Smear campaigns generally DO happen. If the people he is talking to are not SUPER CLOSE TO YOU, then LET IT GO. It doesn’t matter. Their are BILLIONS of people on the planet, and none of them will hear his lies.
5. Only talk through these issues with someone you know you can 100% trust to understand what you are going through. Talking to some people can be really invalidating if they don’t understand abusive people and relationships with them.
6. TIME is your friend, but it may feel like it is going by too slowly. HANG IN THERE. The longer you are away the BETTER YOU WILL FEEL. But it really does take time for your heart, mind, and body to get back to normal. They have been ASSAULTED.
7. Most of these types are not violent. ALL of them are definitely HORRIBLE human beings, and BULLIES. And this can be scary. Remember that fear is an emotion, and cannot harm you.

So, try to get enough sleep. Try to eat. Try and get outside and connect with nature, or whatever helps you feel grounded. Don’t let your anxiety and fear run you around too much (easier said than done).

HUGS, Slim

This is GREAT for your well-being.

SG

Hi lostandconfused,
I’m so glad that you’re taking the step of No Contact. Everything that you have described is indicative of someone who is totally toxic. That specific example of how he threatened to call the police when you wanted to go to his house to discuss things resonated with me in particular. His response was demonstrative of someone who has no love or respect for you at all. In the context of a loving relationship, a caring response would be something like: ” Yes, I’d really like to discuss whatever you have on your mind so that we can come to an understanding, come on over. ” or ” yes, I really want to talk things over, however I’m in the middle of something right now, could you come over in about an hour so that way I can give you my full attention ?” – that would be the kind of communication in which someone who cared about you would say. What he did say was totally unacceptable. The problem is that when someone is in an environment where they are treated disrespectfully continuously, even if they stand up to it within or outwardly, the experience goes into the subconscious and the person begins to have a negative self-image. They begin to feel that they are unworthy, not good enough, or not deserving of love etc. It is like being poisoned. So No Contact is the way to keep out of an environment that does grievous harm on many levels and which destroys happiness. We are here for you.
Blessings

Hey Everyone, well I was going to go no contact but I failed miserably. Started no contact lastnight after I got up and walked out of a resturant leaving him there. I was attacked and called down for the last time! I have never just got up and walked away like that. It felt so good, felt even better knowing I left him stuck with the bill for once too. Today, I survived the entire day of no contact. I’m going to take it day by day but I’m not feeling sad at all. I keep repeating No More when I think of him and that seems to make me forget him for a couple hours again. I’ve vowed not to check my blocked msgs or creep his facebook. I didn’t do either ALL day! Here’s to hoping tomorrow is as good as today.

lost- This is GREAT news that you have started No Contact. Keep it up!!!

SG

Hi lostandconfused:
That was so cool – getting up and walking out of the restaurant like you did. ” Go Girl!”, as they say. A movie that you might like to watch (* if you haven’t seen it already ), while you are going through these initial difficult days is called, ” Sleeping with the Enemy ” starring Julia Roberts – they have it on I tunes, and I’m sure on Net Flicks too etc. It was released all the way back in 1991. The abusive relationship that she was in was not only psychological, but physical so was different than your situation in that way, but the impact of abuse still is the same for survivors no matter. I think that you will be able to identify with the abuse she was going through and the courage that she had as well as her hurt. I don’t want to spoil the drama of it to tell you more reasons that it would be helpful for what you’re going through. Anyway, we’re all proud of you! Don’t hesitate to post as much as you feel the need.
Blessings to you

lost- Hope you are doing O.K. Let us know how it is going.

SG