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I have been struggling with how to move past a relationship with a sociopath. I met this man on a dating site about 2 years ago. Immediately he was different. Within his initial message I could tell he was genuinely interested in who I was and had read what I wrote about myself. We messaged back and forth the whole day until he finally asked for my number, which I gave him. We continued talking via text and met in person a few weeks later. He took me to an art museum and we spent 5 hours there, discussing art, laughing, etc. I thought this man is so different from any other I’ve known and could be my soul mate. We had similar interests, liked discussing big ideas/concepts etc. He was originally from the west coast (I’m on the east) but told me he was no longer in contact with his family, who were bad people who didn’t care about him. Though strange, I didn’t really think too much about this. He worked a lot as a general manager and would be too busy to see me intermittently but we still texted every day. A few months in to this, I was frustrated with not seeing him very much and told him I was no longer interested because I felt like I wasn’t a priority to him. He just stopped talking. With our connection I expected him to try to convince me that I was a priority but he didn’t. About 2 months later, he messaged me “I would’ve tried to talk it out with you”. Through a lot of texts, he never apologized but did make an excuse for being so busy, his estranged mother had died and it affected him. I accepted this and we resumed our mainly texting relationship. I saw him last June and we slept together and he didn’t text me after. I was devastated. By September, however, he texted again to see if I was safe from an impending hurricane coming to our area. I told him that I didn’t think someone could just stop talking to someone they cared about after sex, no explanation or anything. He told me he had problems with intimacy and he knows he hurts people but doesn’t mean to. He said he was going to counseling. Again, no actual apology just an excuse but I accepted it. Again, we are texting every day, seeing each other maybe once a month, I’ve accepted that he’s busy but I could be flexible to match his schedule. Now March comes around, I have my routine pelvic exam, which was abnormal, and come to find out I have an STD. I felt humiliated, embarrassed, angry, stupid. I knew I had to tell him as he was my only partner, and texted him a not nice message. He told me “if you got it from me, I’ve had it a long time”. Immediately I felt bad for assuming he was sleeping around. I hadn’t heard from him for 2 days and texted him that if you care for someone, you’d ask how they were doing after this. To which he replied “I had the worst experience going to the doctor about this, followed by a conversation with an ex who admitted to infidelity, so I have been going through this myself too”. Again, I felt bad for what I had said, about a day later I sent him a long apology for making assumptions on his fidelity and telling him how I really cared for him and wanted more from our relationship. We talked and he more or less mirrored what I said about wanting more and that we should talk about it in person. Of course, he was very busy in a new role at work and I wasn’t able to see him until mid May. At that time, we slept together. He then never texted me. A week went by and I wondered what this all was, and determined him to be a sociopath/anti social personality disorder. I have felt so dumb for putting up with all of this and not seeing him for what he was. I am a very empathic, kind, caring person. Now I feel like how can I trust anyone again? I feel on the verge of tears most days. Mainly I think I believed he was my soul mate, someone I could spend the rest of my life with, but that was all fake. The man I loved was not real. I don’t know how to move past this. I have been abiding by the no contact rule, but it’s so hard. I just want to talk to him, have him give me an explanation to all this. I don’t know what else I can do to help me move on.
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schdsofme There is alot of information here on how to recover from sociopath. It is good you have No Contact. That will help you heal.
SG
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shdsofme — I am so sorry for your experience. The guy is at best, a player, and at worst, a sociopath. I am so glad you figured it out.
No contact is the first step towards recovery, and you are doing that. No contact gives you the space to do your recovery work.
The path to recovery is allowing yourself to feel your emotions about your experience — anger, grief, betrayal, pain, disappointment, rage, sadness. The idea is to let these emotions come up, and allow yourself to experience them in whatever form they take — crying, screaming, hitting a punching bag, groaning.
You probably have lots of emotions about this experience buried deep within you. Some will come to the surface, you deal with them, you’re ok for awhile, then more will come to the surface. So the process takes time. The objective is to get the feelings out of your system.
At the same time, you want to be kind to yourself, and do things that help you feel better. It can be anything — taking a walk, playing with your dog, gardening. The idea is to release the negative energy of the betrayal and replace it with positive energy of whatever brings you joy.
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Hi – the good news is that with all his phony excuses, you were saved from seeing him in person as much as you might have. He was doing his strange disappearing behavior and was treating you so disrespectfully, that you were wise to cut him out of your life. You should not feel ashamed because it takes awhile to be able to see a pattern. That is the problem with these wierd ones: you just can’t tell at first, or even for awhile. Then there is the part in which we we, who are kind, tend to be non judgemental and give others many chances. Please see that you are a good person, who was being healthy in seeking a relationship to share love. You will heal. Remember that no one else can diminish who you are – and the winner will be you in not allowing someone to try to diminish your light.
Blessings to you. -
polestar- Good to see your post.
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Thank you, Sunnygal. You have made me feel welcomed !
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