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Hi all, I’m very new to all of this, but I’ve been reading lots of people’s views on here and felt it was time for me to ask for your help and advice.
I’ve been with my fiance (now ex) for 6 years. In the first 2 years of our relationship, we very quickly fell in love, bought a house and were inseparable. One thing I noticed with him during that period (and still now) he was incredibly moody, one day he would be happy, smiling and the next I would be treading on egg shells, not knowing what caused the mood. I used to back track and think about what I may have done to upset him, and 95% of the time I would apologise, not really knowing what I was apologising for. These moods could last for days, weeks and sometimes months.
The relationship began to deteriorate when he would never think twice about disrespecting me in front of my friends or family, nor would he ever think he had done anything wrong. He would go out on weekends (no idea who with, because he didn’t have any friends) and not tell me where he was going. If I dared ask, he would say it was personal, he doesn’t need to answer to anyone and who am I asking him where he was going.
Fast track to now, we got engaged not that long ago, even though when we met he said he would never get married. Things seemed to be going ok until 8 months ago when I lost our baby at 8 weeks. He didn’t support me once through this and 5 days later told me he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving me.
He has shown absolutely no remorse whatsoever, he has instead ignored me like he doesn’t even know me while living under the same roof. He has gone out and got drunk most weekends, and I’ve had to receive pictures of him with other girls. But when I have started to tell people that our wedding is off and why I’m no longer wearing my engagement ring, he said I had no right telling anyone and no one needs to know.
Sorry for the long vent, but I felt like I needed to speak to people outside of my situation and life. Am I living with a narcissist? Does getting over them ever get easier?
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Refusing to answer questions that are a necessary part of maintaining a relationship between any normal couple is a red flag. I have the same exact issue! Also, excessive drug or alcohol use, his rapid pace on using the word love (to draw you in) the bi polar, off and on behaviors all seem to indicate that he has a cluster b personality disorder. I can relate! I am 9.5 years in with a highly abusive malignant narcissist with overt indications of the Dark Tetrad. (4 personality disorders all wrapped up intp 1 person) I feel trapped because I sold my home 2 years in at his urging and have lost all semblance of my self. I have no self esteem left due to incessant verbal abuse that primarily focuses on my looks and aging. I hope you can get some form counseling. It is not you! It is him. I too spent the first 7 years looking at my relationship behaviors in efforts to fix the problems. He was projecting his behavioral problems onto me saying it was me with the problem. Meanwhile I dont drink nor do I take any form of drugs and dont name call or hit people. As I began seeing the truth about him, he began gaslighting me incessantly. I wish I had the understanding of NPD that I have now. I would have left while I still had my hair and my confidence Please consider my mistakes before you become a casualty of his disorder or disorders.
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Hi wandering30 –
I am so sorry that you have had to go through all of this heartache. I am so sorry that you lost your baby. Just when you needed his support the most, he just disappeared on you and in such a cruel manner. It is life saving that you have gotten out of that relationship. Yet I understand how you must still be trying to sort through all the craziness that he brought into your life. I am glad that you are getting counseling, because it will be so helpful to have someone to help you get through the aftershock of it all. What you described about his behavior was just plain cruel: humiliating you in front of friends and family, being moody off and on ( crazy making behavior ) and with a general black cloud of negativity ( which when you place that attitude next to what attitude is present when someone loves you, which would be smiles and a kind look in their eyes towards you – you can see clearly his meanness towards you ). Then his attitude of: ” who am I to ask where he is going ?” Ha Ha – just his fiance! About his trying to forbid you from telling people that the wedding is off – now that is malignant. He can go off getting drunk and openly flirting away with women at bars etc. but you are expected to be isolated, not to be able to tell the truth or to get any support for what you are going through. I once read some advice from a survivor that I found very helpful personally and that you might want to try as well: What she said was that when her mind would veer to thoughts about all the hurt and crazy making behavior of her ex ( which the mind will do ), she saw that she felt really sick ( emotionally etc), so what she did, was each time her mind went there, she would read some material about psychological abuse info and healing etc., and then her reason would return and she would have a sense of release. The truth does indeed set us free! Imagine that you are swimming the length of a large pool, and that each stroke you take beings you closer and closer to the other side. At some point you do reach the end, and then with a hop and a splash your out!
Blessings to you.
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