How Can I Help

emilie- I would say you need to detach from her and live your own life. She is an adult and it is up to her whether to leave or continue this relationship. It is sad she stays in this sick relationship but it is her choice. That is my 2 cents.

SG

Hi emilie18 –
You already talked with her, gave her all the information that she needs to help herself, encouraged and supported her in getting away from the Narcissist ( or whatever brand of abuser he happens to be ), and cheered her about moving forward with her life. She knows what you think about the jerk. You have stated your bottom line on the issue. If you go any further in dealing with her, then you are placing your own self in the position of being victimized by her. I don’t have her book in front of me, but Shannon Thomas alludes to this in her book, ‘ Healing From Hidden Abuse ‘ when she states that she will not work with someone who will not go No Contact, when the relationship is killing them – in the same way that she wouldn’t be having a conversation with a drug addict about boundaries while they are mainlining heroin. The person is indulging in their drug of choice – that being an abusive relationship addiction. You have gone through a lot yourself and now are at a place where you can have the joy to reach for more and more love and light. Your coworker is bringing much darkness and is crossing the line of what I believe should be acceptable in your life.
Blessings to you.

Hi Emilie, you are an amazing friend & co-worker. You see the truth with this manipulative man. Remember she is caught in the tornado of his manipulative, cunning, pathological lying words, gas lighting abuse etc etc. She is addicted to him. He has trauma bonded her to him.

Do you know that statically a woman in a abusive relationship will return to her emotional, mental, verbal and/or physically abuser 6-9 times before breaking her mind free from her abuser for good?

So, please do not be upset with her. Pat yourself on the back for being kind & supportive towards a woman that is suffering right now.

What is the best thing you can do for this victim of abuse?

Be kind to her. Show love & support. Do not weaver on this. She will need a very soft place to land when he either discards her again or she finally breaks it off when him again. As you know it’s a nightmare to escape the grips of a disordered person.

She will not be happy with him once his love bombing & the honey moon stage is over…as we all know the “happy” times do not last long with a narcissist or a sociopath narcissist.

Educate your co-workers to be kind & gentle with her. Show support. NEVER TELL HER “WE TOLD YOU SO”…her mind is literally being brain washed & under his mind control. He is her cult leader. She is a cult follower to him.

When she does wake up to reality again…show her this site. Hold her hand & bring her to Lovefraud. And read the articles with her. Also, look up the “Domestic abuse power & control wheel”. Print this out. And show everyone in your office what is going on with your co worker so they support her too. When she does wake up try to encourage her to go to her local abuse center for free counseling & also to talk with Donna here at lovefruad.

Remember abusers isolate their victims. SO PLEASE remain friends with her. You do not have to turn a blind eye to his horrible behavior. But, give her encouraging words that she can survive without him. Don’t push her away. Hold her tight with kindness, respect & love. She is just trying to survive right now under the mind control of an abuser.

Hugs to you for being a kind soul & posting for help for your friends/co-worker. This really shows how your heart is filled with kindness. 💜💜💜

take care. 🌺

emilie18,

I went through this with a co-worker, who ultimately became a very close friend. She went back and forth with a rather run-of-the-mill narcissist, for around 4 years. I gave her books, we met for coffee, we talked. She would try to set boundaries, and then let him break them over and over.

I did what Jan7 suggested. I gave her love, an ear, the wisdom of my experience. I was there when she needed to talk. Until the final time she went back to him. Then I wrote her an snail mail card telling her I loved her, respected her choices, but could not participate in a friendship with someone who didn’t love or respect herself. This was after 3 years of developing our relationship. It was ‘strategic’. I really just felt I could not go another round with all the nonsense, so I was honest with her.

Boy, I tell you when she got my letter she called by bawling her eyes out and said it was the best thing I could have done. She broke up with the guy, and never looked back. Our connection was more meaningful to her. AND, she was ready.

But it took nearly 4 years. I am not saying you need to stick it out with this person. I stuck it out with my friend because I had grown to cherish her as a dear friend, and I could see she was making progress, even as she returned over and over.

I was never ‘with’ one of these types for an extended period of time. Instead I had multiple relationships, both romantic, and non-romantic, with them; until I realized (in my 40’s) what I was dealing with, and why I kept seeking these types out. So it took me the better part of my early adulthood to finally go no contact with any more of these ‘relationships’.

Slim

It would be nice to think all people in abusive relationships leave but I wonder what percent actually do leave. I know a 25 year old male with a very abusive female. I gave his mother Donna’s book. She keeps it but doesn’t read it. I think she is afraid. She has 2 other sons and grandchildren.

At least now the mother knows her son was conned by a psychopath.