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Hi,
my partner and I have been together for 2.5 years. At the beginning, he was so charming – then, he suddenly changed. All he had told me to be good about me was suddenly bad and out of nowhere, after three months, he told me it was over. I begged, I pleaded, he stood by his decision. As I began to realize he meant it and started to move on, he suddenly was back. The cycle continued throughout our relationship. I changed jobs because I used to work with him and he was my superior, and everytime we were arguing, he cancelled me on meetings etc. it was unbearable.
End of October this year, he discarded me again. By that time, I had secretly seen a counselor who had told me that if I couldn’t muster the strength to leave, I should at least change my reaction to his discard. Meaning I should – from the beginning – pretend not to care. I did that and he care running immediately. I remind vigilante as he came back. I didn’t validate him as before, I pretended not too care too much when he tried to make me jealous, I just didn’t give him the great high of emotions.
I thought I was doing good. And then, two days after Christmas, the next discard happened. We saw each other on Christmas, he told me he loved me. On Thursday afterwards, he was cold. I could sense something was happen. He wrote me a message around 9 pm, something stupid and I tried to turn the conversation a little bit sexy. His reply was an instant: Night. I told him I found that quite dismissive and following came back:
„I don’t feel this anymore. Btw the sex wasn’t that good anyway. I think we have different views on how relationships work. I call you tomorrow.“
I was stunned and hurt. Against my progress, I send him a lengthy reply. He knew I would spend Friday and Saturday with my family, we had tickets for a musical, so he only said he’d call me Sunday. Sunday came and he told me he wanted to talk Monday because that fit him better. Monday passed and at 10 pm he messaged he didn’t know what to say to me, he’d only make it worse and that he needed some time.
Again, I sent lengthy messages why you don’t do this to people you love (stupid, I know). I haven’t contacted him since then and he hasn’t contacted me. No New Years wish or anything.
As I said, he’s done this million times. He degraded me, told me I was stupid, told me his body and mind didn’t want me anymore, told me my new job was a laugh, told me I was bad at my old job. I know I should hope he never contacts me again. There’s only two problems: I don’t understand how anyone can do this, go from love to indifference in a second and all of this has been going on for so long that I actually find myself asking if I did something wrong. Was it really that bad? Asking for a little time can’t hurt, can it? While on the other hand I know he took complete control, he decides everything and that’s not normal.
I am sorry if this is rambling. I need to get out of this but I don’t know how.
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kat151 –
I am so sorry that you have had to go through this horrible abuse. For your ex to discard you and to criticize your abilities and all the other devaluations is so low. I know how much you must be hurting right now and how much you must be blaming yourself for all kinds of things that your mind will concoct just to make sense of the psychological abuse. I figured out that survivors usually at first blame themselves because when we think we are to blame, then there is some hope that we can somehow rectify our mistakes and then things will turn around for the better. Alas ! That strategy never works because you were never at fault and the abuser was the one causing all the problems. But he will never see that and will try every which way to put his problems on you in the form of blaming you and in the form of trying to make you feel that you aren’t good enough in every way. The abuse you have suffered is traumatizing and it is imperative that you begin your healing path immediately. You have already given your ex chances and have tried to save the relationship and that is understandable, but you have reached the juncture that you must start to be self protective. It was great that you got a new job – perfect ! Now you really need to go No Contact. Your healing cannot begin until you do. The reason for this is that your mind knows when it is safe and when it is not. When you are in any way in contact with your abuser ( or in any way available to him ), your mind will stay in crisis mode. There are all kinds of chemicals and hormones being produced due to the stress you are under and the whole thing is detrimental. But if you go No Contact totally, your whole being will feel safe and can begin to really breathe again ( symbolically ). So how to go No Contact ? Do not try to contact your Ex to tell him that you are going No Contact. He is beyond deserving of any explanation. Change your phone number, or block him, figure out any way that he can reach you via email or other internet access. If he comes to your door, do not open it or respond. Well, that’s a beginning. There are many books about how to go No Contact – I personally like Zari Ballard’s ( I’ll look up the exact name of the title and post it right after this one, but you can get it on Amazon ). Anyway, for now I think it is best for you not to try to figure out how someone can be so heartless and cruel. There are many theories out there about psychopaths, and you can research those at a later date. For now, just be aware that his behavior is totally unacceptable and is not the way a normal person treats another, let alone someone who has been close and giving love as you have. You are at the very darkest and painful stage of being the recipient of psychological abuse, and I know how hard it is. I know how it seems like you will never feel good again – but I promise that once you start the healing process and get distance from the abuser, you will get your self esteem back and your heart will heal and you will feel happy again. But none of that can occur without the No Contact. Use all the will power you have to keep to No Contact, even when your ex makes it difficult. Realize that his intentions will always, under whatever he says or does, be to hurt and betray you. I know you can do the No Contact. We are here to support you in that. If you have any questions etc – please post. Happy New Year !
Blessings -
The book is called ‘ Narcissist Free ‘ by Zari Ballard. It will give you all the advise you need to go No Contact and explanations that will answer many of the issues you brought up in your post. It is a small book, and she has portions that are from people who are struggling with abusive situations, and she responds in a way, that others can also benefit. And she gives examples from her own experiences. For where you are, I think you will find much wisdom, direction and comfort in her book. By the way, I noticed in my last post I didn’t exactly say to block your ex’s access to you via the internet, but I am sure you got my drift. Congratulations on coming to Love Fraud – oh, by the way, Donna Andersen has a great series of talks on YouTube and a few you can access on the forum at the top here.
Blessings to you. -
Hi kat151 ( again ) – I wanted to mention something important I just thought of. It matters not if a psychological abuser is in the stage of devalue or in the stage of discard – the truth is that a survivor’s No Contact trumps whatever he does, even if it is a discard. The reason is because a discard is simply part of the pattern that abusers always do. So essentially it is not different from a devaluation – it is just further on his progressive pathology. So in your mind, just bunch the whole thing together ( Love Bombing, Devalue, Discard ) and see it as one disgusting whole that you want to get free of. So when you go No Contact, at whatever stage, it means that you are stepping away from the cesspool and taking back your power. Just remember that he is the one who has to live with his own sick mentality – not you.
Many Blessings -
Hi Kat, I’m so happy that you found your way to love fraud and posted your story. This is a huge step in getting out of this emotional, mental & verbally abusive relationship. SO is counseling. Great job going secretly go to counseling. This is what you have to do when you are in a abusive relationship, because the abuser will typically manipulate the victim into not going to counseling knowing that their con game will be exposed.
What we don’t realize when we are in the abusive relationship is we are basically inside a tornado, in constant survival mode & we cant see the outside world or see that we are in a abusive relationship. We are just trying to survive minute by minute. We are trying to unravel their drama, craziness & interpret “what they really mean” when they say “I love you” then followed by their belittle us or discard us. We blame ourselves. But, really it’s the best time to sit back and ask the question “WHAT THEY HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM!!”.
Hon, its’ not you! You are not the problem in this relationship. It’s him. He has a damaged brain. It does not function correctly. IT will never function correctly. What you see right now with him…is what you will ALWAYS get with him = EMOTIONAL, MENTAL & VERBAL ABUSE!
You will only get mind twisting games, manipulation, gas lighting abuse, reward & punishment abuse, pathological lying, cunnings from him…the list goes on & on.
HE IS A CON ARTIST…AND YOU ARE BEING CONNED BY HIM.
Do you realize he is a CON ARTIST??
Do you realize he is manipulating you ever second that he sucks you back into his con game? As well as every second he discard you?
Do you realize he is twisting up your mind so much so that you think about him & what he said to you while you are not with him??
Do you realize he is controlling your mind?!?!? YES!! he is controlling your mind. Even when you are not with him.
Do you realize he is your cult leader & you are his cult follower?
Do you really want to be his cult follower?
The answer is NO to the last question…why do I know your answer would be no? Because you have seek counseling secretly and you found your way to Lovefruad and had the courage to post tonight. Bravo by the way for doing all of this!!
What none of us knew when we were with our abusers is we were being ABUSED!! What I did not know & most of our society does not realize is the BULK of domestic abuse is EMOTIONAL, MENTAL & VERBAL ABUSE!
Typically physical domestic abuse does not occur until the victims is about to leave or has left her abuser.
So, I ask the question…do you know what emotional, mental & verbal abuse really is?
This is from the USA National Domestic Violence Hotline .com website (you can search this site & also if you are not in the USA then google for your own countries hotline website).
Here is what they have on their site about domestic abuse:
“What Is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence (IPV), domestic abuse or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.
Domestic violence does not discriminate. Anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender can be a victim – or perpetrator – of domestic violence. It can happen to people who are married, living together or who are dating. It affects people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
Domestic violence includes behaviors that physically harm, arouse fear, prevent a partner from doing what they wish or force them to behave in ways they do not want. It includes the use of physical and sexual violence, threats and intimidation, emotional abuse and economic deprivation. Many of these different forms of domestic violence/abuse can be occurring at any one time within the same intimate relationship.
Here at The Hotline, we use the Power & Control Wheel* (KAT LOOK UP THIS POWER & CONTROL WHEEL) to describe most accurately what occurs in an abusive relationship.
Think of the wheel as a diagram of the tactics an abusive partner uses to keep their victim in the relationship. While the inside of the wheel is comprised of subtle, continual behaviors, the outer ring represents physical, visible violence. These are the abusive acts that are more overt and forceful, and often the intense acts that reinforce the regular use of other more subtle methods of abuse.
*Although this Power & Control Wheel uses she/her pronouns for the victim and assumes a male perpetrator, abuse can happen to people of any gender in any type of relationship.
Power and Control Wheel
Warning Signs of Domestic Violence
It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.
Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partner.
Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:
Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
Explore the tabs below to learn some of the common warning signs of each type of abuse. Experiencing even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present. Remember, each type of abuse is serious, and no one deserves to experience abuse of any kind, for any reason.”
YOU DESERVE BETTER THEN WHAT YOU ARE SETTLING WITH, THIS GUY IS A NIGHTMARE. WHY ARE YOU SETTLING FOR AN ABUSER? THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET…MOST ARE NOT ABUSIVE. Keep reading here at love fraud. Keep posting also, it really does help to see the truth.
Do a search here on love fraud for:
No contact rule
Idolize, devalue & discard
pity me manipulation
use this time to heal your body & mind from all the stress this guy has put you under. Most likely you are suffering from PTSD. And I believe one of the issues with PTSD from my own experience is Adrenal fatigue. Look up symptoms of adrenal fatigue on sites like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue. org. And a basic search on this too. Watch the free you tube documentary called “Super juice me”. Also, take up a hobby that you have always wanted to do to keep your mind off of him & on your new hobby. Right now is a great time (New years) to kick off you habits & following the No contract rule. With PTSD it is difficult to think about finding the door out of an abusive relationship. This is why it is imperative to focus on YOU and focus on your health right now and not focus on this guy.
Sending you huge hugs. You found the right place to education yourself. Donna & Terry have done an amazing job with thousands of education articles & also video on you tube. I think Donna does a Live you tube lecture every Tuesday (info at the top of LF) that you might want to watch.
Wishing you all the best. Block him on your phone, social media etc. And follow the NO CONTACT RULE with him. RIGHT NOW! This is truly the only what to move on & have peace & calm in your life. 💜💜💜
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kat151: I know the pain you are feeling now, being on this roller-coaster of emotions. Know that you are on the right track and stay the course.
These guys HAVE to be in control. They cannot allow anyone else to beat them at their game. When you showed indifference to his misbehavior and did not react in the way he expected, it frustrated and angered him. “How dare she! I am pulling the strings here, not her.” So he had to get revenge – and he did with his “tantrum” two days after Christmas. And he finally got the validation and “high” he wanted — you reacted strongly (who wouldn’t?) to his meanness. So he escalated it – drove the knife in deeper – and refused to talk until it was convenient to him – and again got the reaction he wanted. Now he can start the cycle again, knowing he got his control back.
I am glad you are now recognizing and naming his actions for what they are – abuse. I hope you will continue with counseling to keep your resolve strong – that you do not deserve this – have never deserved this and never will. The very best way to “win” at his game is to not play it. Don’t react to anything. Block him from all means of contact. Hang up if he calls. Erase messages before you read them. If friends ask about him, tell them that subject is closed forever. Don’t talk about him. If thoughts come into your head, get busy with something else. Every second you think about or talk about or cry for him is another second of your life that he “wins”. And since winning and being in control is primary to him – it is what he lives for – you have now taken that away.
It will be hard – probably the hardest thing you ever do – but it is imperative for your health and peace of mind. Keep reading and posting here – the support and wisdom and advice is incredible. Every single one of us has gone through something similar and survived. You will too.
Blessings!
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kat- You deserve better. No Contact is the way.
SG
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this happened to me; I’d be on the receiving end of all of this ‘love bombing’ early on..but as time went on, EVERYTHING he had said, that was loving, caring, comforting, wonderful about me, was twisted into bad, wrong, evil, sick, demented, selfish..etc etc..and of course, it was ALL my fault he behaved, spoke this way. So, I kept trying, trying and trying more and more, to please him, get him to love me again, like it was at first. It never did, maybe a few ‘crumbs’ of being kind, gentle, loving..the hate, disrespect, condemnation, condescending talk, attitudes just got worse and worse. By the time, I did leave, I was almost destroyed..its taken me a long time (years) to regain my self. I still struggle some days. My advice…just…walk…away…and NEVER NEVER go back, dont give him ANY second chance..NO CONTACT..NO PHONE CALLS, TEXTS, VISITS..offers to ‘just go sit and talk’…it WILL sooner or later be YOUR FAULT..back to where you were before. Don’t waste another hour, day, week..whatever..trying to make things work. Just…walk…away.
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Kat, he is gaslighting you. You need to break off clean. Nothing good will come of this relationship. Please listen to the ladies here. They know what they are talking about. Am glad you are here at LoveFraud, and I hope you read all of Donna’s books and the posts here. Try to find a therapist who is familiar with how sociopaths victimize their victims. Don’t blame yourself – no one is immune! You will get better!!
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