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Ok, my therapist can’t squeeze me in for another day and I’m having a lot of trouble processing this and need to be talked off the ledge right now…
I wrote about my backstory on here before, but in a nutshell, 4 months ago, I found out the guy I had been dating for the past 3 years was actually married. He had told me he was divorced, but after catching him in a LOT of lies, I finally texted who I thought was his ‘ex-wife’ to ask her myself if they were actually divorced or not. That’s when everything blew up because they WERE still married and she had no idea about me, so I told her everything. The last I heard from her though was that she was going to try to work things out with him, which I couldn’t believe after everything that happened and all the lies he had told both of us.
Fast forward to today – I’ve been no contact with him since then, with the exception of checking in on his instagram every now and then. My life has completely fallen apart since finding out he was still married (my dog died unexpectedly a month later), and I just feel like I can’t move on until I know that karma has kicked his ass. It’s not fair that my life has fallen apart and he’s had absolutely no repercussions since his wife decided to stay with him, so I keep checking hoping I’ll see some indication that either she has left him, maybe he’s been in a car accident, got fired, or something. But today, he posted a pregnancy announcement. Due in August 2020, so it definitely happened AFTER she had found out he’d been cheating on her for 3 years and telling people they were divorced. I had a feeling this might be coming once I heard she was working things out with him, but thinking it might happen and having it actually happen are two very different things. I haven’t been able to stop shaking since I saw that. He and I had always talked about having kids and I had this very clear vision in my head about what that would be like. We had planned out a girl name and boy name, what their nursery would look like, what traits they would have from both of us, etc, and that’s part of the reason I held on for so long. The way he talked about and planned our future made me want it, and made me think what a great dad he would’ve been. So not only have I had to come to terms with the fact that that future will never happen with us, but now I have to think about the fact that he WILL be getting that future, just with another woman instead of me. And that’s heartbreaking.
On the flip side, I’m so angry that he’s getting this seemingly fairy tale ending while my life sucks. And now I feel like a terrible person for wishing that she would have a miscarriage or something would happen during childbirth, or that he’ll pass his diabetes onto the baby and he’ll have to spend the rest of his life worrying about his disease AND the kids (he has type 1). I know she doesn’t deserve any of that, but he sure as hell does. It’s just not fair that all these good things are happening to such a bad person.
I thought I was doing a good job of moving past all of this – I’ve been no contact (with the exception of instagram, which I know I need to stop), I’ve been seeing a therapist, I even started dating again. But now I just feel exactly how I did back in September when I first found out he was married – lost and hopeless and alone. I feel like I’m never going to be able to get past this and I’m always going to feel stuck. I just keep picturing them having sex now and trying to conceive, and thinking about her in my place in the future I had always envisioned with him.
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dll: I know your pain and frustration – fantasizing about all the evil he deserves is perfectly normal. However, the only one it is hurting is — you. When I found out my ex was living with another woman and saw posts of them together I, too, hit an all-time low. It brought back all the broken dreams and promises, all the lies and pain, and once again made me feel like I was wasn’t good enough. Eventually I came to the truth — he wasn’t good enough for me – and boy did I dodge a bullet! Sadly, his wife is going to suffer the whole time they are together – not you. She has to put up with the cheating and manipulation and lies – not you. She is going to raise this child with a horrible example of a man – not you. She made this choice – not you. She knows who he is, what he is capable of doing, what he has done, and yet she chose to stay. Yes, it hurts – but think what your life would have been like if YOU chose to stay. YOU made the smartest decision of your life by getting rid of him. Give yourself credit. And turn off that instagram account immediately!
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dll- He’ll be a disordered partner and disordered dad. You are better off without him for sure.
SG
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Hi dll –
I think that what you are going through is this : your ex had a whole life and was married when you got together. He misrepresented himself and lied and conned you into a relationship with him which he knew full well was inauthentic. He built up your hopes and dreams of a future with him down to specific details to make you believe his lie. Everything he portrayed concerning you was a fabrication with no substance, while he maintained a solid support for himself – thus anytime that the magic carpet turned into nothingness, it would not hurt him because he was never standing on it. You were the only one standing upon thin ice and unbeknownst to you were placed in a vulnerable and emotionally dangerous situation. What he did was horribly cruel and beyond unfair. He essentially left you to drown and freeze, while he had and has every support and comfort. Quite disgusting. Yet, you did not drown and freeze – you were saved by your higher self, by the loving universe and by many supporters. I am glad that you have a good therapist who can help you get better and better still. A trap to watch out for that I read about is the humiliation trap. What that means is that a person who has gone through the kind of cruelty that you have often feels a deep sense of humiliation and the trap is to want to somehow get back at the perpetrator because we erroneously think in that way we will somehow regain our sense of self respect and dignity back. It seems almost instinctual to do this, but it only digs one deeper and deeper into the trap of the cruelty that was set for you. The only way that you can get back your heart and your sense of worth and beauty is to leave the cruelty. That translates as No Contact. I know that you understand that finding out what he is doing goes contrary to No Contact. It is not easy to let go of all the pain that you were put through only because of your good heart. But now is the time for you to stand up for your own goodness, and not allow that creep to try to take it away by using the humiliation trap. On the other side, realize that as often as you can keep away from him in every way, including emotionally, your life will absolutely transform into something beautiful and loving. You will also gain in wisdom and understanding. So much so that you will shine even brighter than before your ordeal. There is a magnetic pull to go either towards beauty and goodness or ugliness. Your ex was way down in ugliness with the facade of someone wonderful, but he wanted to get you to be pulled down to his ugliness. But it was never ever yours. Try in every way possible to stay away from his magnetic pull.
Blessings to you. -
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Hi dll –
Thanks for your kind reply and I’m so glad that you are keeping strong about not accessing Instagram. I’ve mentioned about this movie I’m going to recommend that you watch before on other posts, but I wanted to tell you about it because it is so healing and would address some of the issues that you are facing. It’s called ‘ French Kiss ‘ with Meg Ryan and Kevin Klein. Meg’s character is engaged to be married and suddenly she is dropped. She sees him kissing very provocatively this sexy French woman and the movie shows all that she goes through in processing the loss of her dream with her ex and gaining back her self respect and her inner clarity and strength. Through some mishaps, she gets acquainted with Kevin Klein’s character. It is interesting about how their relationship develops and how he actually was able to help her to gain back her self. I think you will be able to identify with Meg’s character and will also gain in healing from Kevin Klein’s character. The movie will be a help for you to move on too. Anyway, so glad that you are gaining your own inner strength back.
Blessings
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