Narracist or Not?

cnaforeverandalways2005, I’m so sorry that you are in so much emotional pain. 16 years & he just walks away without even respecting your feelings.

Do you know that the bulk of domestic abuse is emotional, mental, verbal & financial abuse? Typically physical abuse does not occur until a woman is about to leave her abuser or has left her abuser.

This man was emotionally, mentally & verbally abusering you!!

When did this start? From day one? from day two? or did he stealthy throw belittling words towards you soon after you got serious with him? Either way, he was & is abusing you.

This is from the USA Domestic Violence Hotline website…”What is abuse”:

“Warning Signs of Domestic Violence
It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

In fact, many abusive partners may seem absolutely perfect in the early stages of a relationship. Possessive and controlling behaviors don’t always appear overnight, but rather emerge and intensify as the relationship grows.

Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partner.

Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:

Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
Explore the tabs below to learn some of the common warning signs of each type of abuse. Experiencing even one or two of these behaviors in a relationship is a red flag that abuse may be present. Remember, each type of abuse is serious, and no one deserves to experience abuse of any kind, for any reason. If you have concerns about what’s happening in your relationship, contact us.”

Look up the terms below here on Lovefraud & net:

“Idolize, devalue, discard”

No contact rule (which you have imposed but keep education yourself on this rule)

It looks like he is trying to keep the door open with you. Please know he is NOT TREATING this woman any different then he treated you!! Narcissist use the same manipulation on new target victims if it worked with the last victim. Their playbook is the same over & over. Not only that all of these disordered individuals around the world use the same manipulation. Keep reading every article Donna has written on her wonderful site Lovefraud and read all the comments. You will see the pattern of abuse is the same with all of us. It’s scary to think that they use the same power & control on all of us. But, it helps us now, once educate to see these patterns in people that we just meet.

The RED FLAGS I see with his new relationship is that it is on & off again frequently!! Four times they have broken up! This shows that someone is definitely disordered in the relationship. Since he abused you…no doubt he is doing his power & control tactics on her and she is not liking it (GOOD).

Look at this woman as a victim!! Not the enemy! Narcissist will use a manipulation tactic called “Narcissist Triangulation” (look up here on LF & Net) and also “Narcissist smear campaign” (look up). These are very stealth manipulation to get the new target victim fighting with the old victim or anyone else in their circle so that they have complete control over EVERYONE!!

What a narcissist or sociopath narcissist does not want is EVERYONE sharing stories of HIS horrible behavior & piecing together that he is manipulating EVERYONE & abusing EVERYONE!!

You ask is he a narcissist or not?

Reading your post I would say YES!! But, the fact that you search the net for answers to his behavior & found your way to Lovefraud & posted also leads me to believe that your own gut instinct knows this is TRUE also!!

If you are in a good relationship & have a normal breakup you are NOT searching or answers, however if you are in a relationship that has left you confused for 16 years & then your mate just walks away you are NOT in a normal relationship.

You have done some many excellent things to help you make steps to heal from this horrible relationship, including following the no contract rule, not looking at his Facebook page, and coming here to LF and sharing your story & asking for advise. These are HUGE STEPS to your mind freedom & his power he has had over you for far to long! So pat yourself on the back!! Bravo to you finding your strength in the darkest of days & nights!

Beware this may has said many things to you to keep your door open to take him back if this woman dumps him for good. SO PLEASE KEEP EDUCATING YOURSELF HERE AT LOVEFRAUD…read, read, read everything. The more you educate yourself the more your mind will wake up from his brain washing & mind control (YES!! That is what these disordered people do to their victims literally). Watch ALL of Donna’s very insightful videos she post. This will help tremendously also, Keep venting here & keep posting questions. We have all been exactly where you are now…emotionally broken & confused at our ex mates behavior.

Please also look at your countries Domestic abuse website. And make a appointment to go and talk with a free counselor at your local abuse center & also attend women group meetings there also well (free). Donna also has a program that you can talk to her for a small fee (see the top bar of LF for info).

With time & eduacation you will see that the best thing that every happened is him discarding you. I know it feels awful & painful now…but, it does get better as long as you keep the No contact rule in place & instead of talking to him on the phone where he can abuse you only correspond to him regarding your children thru email. If he tries to push your buttons which is all intentional to control you…with the email you can simply not respond (DO NOT RESPOND TO ANY OF HIS ABUSIVE EMAILS as you can use this in court!! Keep your emails very very brief “Kids can be picked up Sunday as planned at 5 pm”. That’s it keep them simple & to the point. And again if he tries to push your buttons ignore and come here to vent out if you need to or in a journal.

What do narcissist and sociopath narcissist want?

They want POWER & CONTROL over everyone, including ex’s.

How do you break free from his power & control over you?

Imposing the NO contact rule (which you have done) and not engaging in his mind game manipulation. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE his button pushing. Ask your kids to not tell their day what you are doing. if they are in their teen years. explain to them simply that their father hurt you deeply and you are trying to move on & would prefer that he does not know what you are doing. if they are young & you can just keep if very very simple.

Look after your health now. The stress he has put you under no doubt has harmed your health. So look up adrenal fatigue on sites like Dr Lam. com and Adrenal fatigue .org and search it on the net. Look up the free documentary called “Super juice me” on you tube. Start focusing on YOU!! You deserve to pamper yourself now.

Sending you HUGE HUGS hon.

Hi CNA
That was a disgusting discard he put you through. As soon as the “ honeymoon “ stage is over he will be running back to you. Be prepared. We are here to support you in your No Contact, but I think considering the many years of your marriage that you will need face to face assistance to deal with that and also the storm of emotions that you must be overwhelmed with now. I hope that you can get into some kind of therapy or else seek other modes of therapeutic support. Donna herself gives private consultations. But please vent whatever you need to express here and we will give you feedback. I think Amber Ault’s book called “ The Five Step Exit Plan “ is fantastic for helping people who have gone through devastating abuse ( as you have ) to move through it, protect themselves and gain back their self respect and life. I am so sorry that you have been treated in such a demeaning fashion. Remember that it in no way reflects on who you are at all. I personally believe that the abuser who does a discard and goes “ riding into the sunset “ through a glorious looking rainbow is actually in a murky dark place and wishes to make you suffer to alleviate his depravity, plus if you suffer it actually brings him a vile satisfaction. So do everything you can to not allow him any glimpse of your suffering. Try not to reveal it to your children either. And attend to your healing in the most dynamic way possible. Donna has fantastic you tubes and seminars – watch them all the time and become part of this community. Everyone who goes through psychological abuse needs a support system and plenty of education. So we are very glad that you have posted.
Blessings

cnaforever, I dont think that he met her after he walked out on you? Do you think he could have been cheating on you before he left you?

It’s very common for a narcissist to have many affairs…and will not leave a current target unless they have a new target victim in place.

ALSO, Like I stated in my post above it is very very common for a narcissist to create a “narcissist triangulation” (look this up!) between the old victim & the new victim so that the new victim will not learn the truth about them.

It feels to me he has not only used narcissist triangulation to separate you with his current target victim but also is using narcissist smear campaign.

Remember that narcissist & sociopath narcissist ALWAYS want to leave the door open with a past victim just incase they need something…sex, money, a place to sleep etc.

PLEASE look up those two words. And unless you verify his story with his current target victim you CAN NOT believe a word he says. He could easily be lying to you about EVERYTHING..

remember this is a guy that just walked out on his wife & kids.

Do you really believe what he says in his phone calls to you?

Do you find it odd that he was talking about his current victim with you on the phone?

ALL of his pattern of behavior are BIG RED FLAGS!!

Like Polestar stated BEWARE that he may want to come back into your life. Get YOUR health in order & talk with a counselor asap go to your local abuse center and get help.

You do not have to heal alone. SO reach out for more help. Like Polestar stated face to face contact with a counselor is very important and part of the healing process.

In addiction Donna’s book “Lovefraud 10 signs you are dating a sociopath” is worth the money. Look up at the red tap top of love fraud for other books too. And do a search on them in the search bar to see Donna’s article about each book.

Do a search on LF for “Husband, Liar, Sociopath” (powerful book for you to read)

Do you think your ex was living a DOUBLE LIFE prior to him leaving?

If you have access to old phone bills see who he was calling!

Please look after your health. It’s very common for a victim of a narcissist or sociopath narcissist to suffer from PTSD. So this is why it’s so important to look after you health. Look at my post above & research the things that I listed.

You should be so proud of yourself hon. It’s hard to have one of these disordered individuals suck you in and then end up being belittled lowering your self esteem and then be discard. Same happened to me. But, now with healing my own PTSD & educating my self on my ex h disorder…I would NEVER in a million years go back to him. He knows NEVER to call me. I would call the police if he did. To get to this point takes many days & nights…lots of crying…lots of “maybe it was me” but in the end you will know that the best thing that ever happened was him walking out of your life so that you can have the life you always dreamed of.

Sending you hugs!! 💜💜💜

cna- You’ve been devalued. Take good care of yourself and your children.

SG

CNA – what your are describing is classic sociopathic behavior. We have lots of info here on Lovefraud to help you. Please understand that he will never treat you well, and nothing you could have done would have made any difference. Also, do not think that your children need to have a relationship with their father. The more you can get him out of your life and the lives of your kids, the better.

Hi CNA – How dare he bring her to your house ! Can’t get much lower than that. Good for you that you would not allow her to come inside the house. Plus you didn’t “ loose it “ or act hysterical. He brought her because he intended for you to act out because most women in that position would have and he was counting on that – so he could have “ grist for the mill “ with ammunition to make you look bad and then he could “ have proof “ that you were “ crazy “ and that would be a way for him to turn others against you. That is the exact kind of thing that sociopaths do. Now that I think of it, if you had acted “ out of control “, it could be something he would be able to use against you in court and have a witness. So remember to be “the model parent “ – you never know what he will try to pull next. As far as your children are concerned, just give them unconditional love and know that your ex will be expert at trying to make them side against you. As Donna said, if at all possible, try to get him out of your kids life. But if that is not a possibility, you will need to put on a “ having it together “ demeanor in front of them because they will be reporting to him everything about you. Don’t take it personally because I’m sure that he is a master manipulator and it is especially easy to do with one’s children. The more you “ take the high road “ as you put it, the less anyone will have to react about and the issue with your kids will loose the charge. If he feels a sense of fighting about them with you, he will use them to hurt you and they will be hurt in the process ( no matter how they act, you are their mother and they need you deep in their hearts ). So be good at using strategy. Lastly, be sure to get help for yourself with all of this. Jan mentioned about contacting an abuse center in your area. They would be able to help you with all of the issues that you are facing. About court issues too. Private counseling, as we have said would be excellent too. The abuse center may be able to refer you to someone affordable or have other added ideas for support. I’m glad that your mother in law is on your side, but all the literature says that when you go No Contact, that includes family members of the ex. You don’t have to be brusk, but I would advise you not to get support from your ex’s family members – they are just not a reliable source ( “ blood is thicker than water “ ) and your ex will try to turn them against you at some point by telling lies about you etc. Remember that we are here to support you too.
Blessings