Can’t seem to wrap my head around my whole 13 year marriage was a LIE!?!?

struggle- In her Book Husband, Liar, Psychopath, O.N. Ward talks about her long term marriage and divorce. She gives alot of insight. You might read it.

SG

• This reply was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Sunnygal.

Hi Struggletobefree, sending you HUGE HUGE HUGE hugs!! 💜💜💜

You have just described what it’s like to be sucked into a manipulative sociopaths con game. it’s a true nightmare.

The emotional roller coaster is hell. Right when you think they will give you peace & calm…their chaos begins again 0 to 60 in 5 second.

I’m so sorry that you are enduring this hell on earth. You deserve so much better. Everyone here has been thru exactly what you have been thru. I’m so glad you found your way to Donna & Terry’s wonderful site. And so happy, that you had the courage to post your story. This was so brave of you to do this! So pat yourself on the back…this is a huge step in the healing process.

You State:
The more i want him the more power he had and he has me where he wants me.

YEP!! That’s what they do…sociopaths narcissist & narcissist LOVE power & control over others…they love the mind games to get anyone to jump thru any hope they want. He is doing the same to these other women he has caught up in his web of deception too. He is a Sick twist man!

You state:

I know i am rambbling at this point

That was NOT rambling…that was telling the long long long tail of being sucked into a sociopath con game. DO not worry about “rambling”…just keep typing out your story…this is part of the healing process = TO BE HEARD!

The bulk of victims of a sociopath never tell anyone…so this is why it is so vitally important to vent out the hell that you endured. SO keep doing this! Keep venting here at lovefruad or in a journal. or both. Get all his crazy behavior out of your head.

One of the first steps in break free from him mentally is to get your body healthy again. You have been under a tremendous amount of stress with this jack a$$ and having so many children plus work. Everyday stress of raising a family & working is hard enough on the body…but, throw in a evil sociopath messing with your mind & heart that is on another level of daily stress.

Did you know that most victims of a sociopaths suffer from PTSD? From all the stress the sociopath puts them under?

On another site the site creator ask the question “Did you have heath issue when with the sociopath?”…over 400 victims posted YES…and the symptoms were very similar…all issues of Adrenal fatigue.

I believe from my own personal experience being married to a sociopath (now ex thank goodness) that part of the PTSD issue is adrenal fatigue. Please look up the symptoms of adrenal fatigue on these two sites & the net:

Dr Lam. com
Adrenal fatigue. org

both have a comprehensive list of symptoms…here is the short list:

Sleep issues
anxiety
depression
mood swings
cant handle stress
panic attacks
etc…look at their list its’ long

If your adrenal glands are fatigue…your body & mind do not work well to be able to find the door out of a abusive relationship. This is part of the reason why you still want to be with him. The adrenal glands regulate the body’s blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight, flight & freeze mode) and over 50 hormones. The adrenal glands are a huge deal..and you are stressed out your adrenal glands will become fatigue…and when this happens it wreaks havoc on your body & mind.

SO, i would highly recommend that you find a good Endocrinologist doctor (doctor that deals with adrenal glands) to test you for cortisol levels (see adrenal fatigue .org for info), thyroid T3 & t4 test, hormonal imbalance (natural when you are stressed out) etc.

To heal your adrenal glands you need plenty of rest & relaxation (that’s hard to come by with children lol) but, try, plenty of sleep (again difficult with kids), possible hormonal balancing, and most importunely a very clean diet to flood your body with much needed vitamins and minerals which your body is most likely depleted right now from all the stress you have been under for years.

Watch the free documentary called “Super juice me” on you tube

you tube channels:

Jason Vale juicing
Joe Cross Juicing
Jay Kordich juicing
Dr Joel Fuhrman super immunity

Dr Mindy Pelz
Dr Berg

You can buy a cheap juicer at walmart for $30 or use a blender (see jason vale for info on blending juices).

I know right now it feels like you will never mentally escape him…I want to tell you, YOU HAVE ESPCAED HIM!! You should be so incredibly proud of yourself for kicking him out & filing a restring order against him. BRAVO! This is HUGE. You also moved away from him..another huge step.

YOUR GUT INSTINCTS ARE TELLING YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO DO…DO NOT TURN AWAY FROM YOUR GUT INSTINCTS NOW…LISTEN TO THEM…HIS WORDS ARE ALL LYING WORDS…BUT, YOUR GUT IS TELLING YOU THE TRUTH.

What is your gut telling you?

TO RUN RUN RUN AWAY FROM HIM FAST!!

You keep escaping from him. You keep running to a new town…your gut instinct knows who he is and that he is VERY DANGEROUS!

Please watch the video on you tube titled “Oprah Gavin Debecker interview you tube” and do a search on LF up at the top for The Gift of fear by Gavin Debecker. This book will remind you to listen to your gut…ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR HUSBAND!

I will write more later. Keep posting here..keep venting. This is a wonderful safe place for you to vent, learn & educate yourself.

Also, Check out Donna’s books in her book store & she just posted a book list on her “Lovefraud blog” *click up at the top. Her books are a must read. The more you read and analyse it to what you have endured the more your mind will open up from the Brain washing & mind control (ANOTHER REASON WHY YOU KEEP GOING BACK TO HIM)…so keep reading.

Look up what SUnnygal posted up at the top right search bar. The book author of that book write about the nightmare she endured and was kind enough to put chapters on Lovefraud for all to read. This will help you to. Glad Sunny posted that book for you.

WE HEAR YOU!💚

WE BELIEVE YOU!💚

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU!!💚

SENDING YOU HUGE HUGS💜💜…you are going to get thru this hon…and once you do you will slam the door shut on him for good. So keep reading & venting.

Also, call your local abuse center and GO for free counseling & free women group meeting..these women group meetings are powerful at opening your mind up from the hell you are enduring and will help you to slam the door shut on this evil sociopath.

Look up also Donna’s videos on her Lovefraud blog section.

💜💜💜💜

Hi Struggle, YES!! my ex h did the same while I was sleeping. Several times but, it was not the normal. Like you I was very upset. I did not equate this to being abuse and actually rape until I was watching a Dr Phil show where the wife describe this same act that her husband did to her.

What your husband is doing to you while you are sleeping IS UNACCEPTABLE! HE IS SEXUALLY ABUSING YOU!

My ex h did the same…if I initiated sex he was not interested. IF I said I was exhausted (which pretty much my whole marriage I was exhausted do to his craziness) he wanted sex. If I said I would like to go out to dinner & not cook he wanted to stay in. If I said I wanted to say in he would yell at me to get dressed & go out. It was nothing but craziness with him. But, he camouflaged it so that I thought I was not being a good wife. I never denied him sex.

Sociopaths all want CONTROL & POWER over others. While you were sleeping this is what he was doing to you = having control & power over you. And while you were awake.

You’re doing great hon. I know you feel like you are lost…but, you have made some many amazing changes…you had no job or car. And now you have both. You did not have your own place now you do. You will get the weight off. One step at a time.

YES! Victims of abuse suffer from PTSD…have anxiety, depression, insomnia etc. I even had panic attacks when I left my ex, which now I know is normal with leaving a sociopath. That is part of the reason so many victims return to their abuser = to stop the anxiety & panic attacks. This is a adrenal gland issue..the adrenal glands are producing lots of cortisol & adrenaline. This is causing the anxiety. But, once you go back the anxiety will continue because the sociopath know how to push their victims buttons to stress the victim out (body release more & more & More adrenaline & cortisol).

I would recommend you also watch the free documentary called “sick fat & nearly dead” on their site same name.

When I found out that my husband was having a two year affair with a coworker (I had suspicion but he keep twisting my head away from my gut) I too had to go and get STD tested which like you, I was so embarrassed. Thank goodness my doctor was so kind & told me it’s very common for wives to come in after find out their spouse had affairs. The day I was there the doctor said there was another patient in the room next door going thru the same!! CRAZY what these bastards put us thru. For me, it came back negative but I had health issues for quite some time that I still am dealing with.

Im sorry that you had to endure having to go get test & the outcome. Makes me sad for you.

I’m so glad that you have your wonderful children. They see the truth and now that you deserve better. That was a powerful moment when they stood up for you…but, also very scary. You made a great choice to divorce their father. You are teaching them a very important lesson = to be good to others.

Keep posting. We are here for you!! Wishing you a good night. Talk with you tomorrow.

Take care.

ps look up Magnesium vitamin/mineral either pill/salt bath for sleep. And benefits of taking epson salt baths (you can find epson salt in the Pharmacy section of your grocery store or at Walmart they have it in the cosmetic section $5 (?) for a bag. Then just read the direction for how much to add to a bath tub soak (before bed). Magnesium is needed for sleep & relaxation. Most adults are deficient in magnesium. Or magnesium pill found in the vitamin section.SO you most likely are deficient too since you can sleep. If you are taking Rx talk with your doctor. This is why it’s important to get tested for vitamin & mineral deficiency, most adult are deficient…plus added stress causes deficiency.

You state:

I have no sense of self worth he has stole that from me.

This is normal when in a relationship with a sociopath.

This is why it is very important to focus on your health…get your body working correctly & that will help your mind, spirt & body to function correctly. And you will gain your strength back with regards to your self worth.

Lookup “Dr Daniel Amen depression Ted talk’ (just do a search on the next for that or on you tube). And see his other videos on improving the brain = good clean food, vitamins etc. HE has NY TIMES best seller books your library no doubt have so look those up but, you can find a lot on you tube of his lectures.

All this will help you.

I’m sorry, it really must be tough to get your head around an awful experience like this, going on for so many years. How can the man you “love” so much possibly behave so cruelly and atrociously?

Well, Donna would say that what you’re feeling for him is not truly “love,” but addiction, This is why it remains such a powerful attraction that’s hard to kick, even though you’ve learned how harmful this man is for you. There are good articles to read on this site about how you can remain “hooked” on a chronic abuser despite the damage it’s doing to your life. One of them is “Why you can become addicted to a sociopath.”.

Another article particularly relevant to your own husband’s behavior is “Intermittent reinforcement: conditioning helps explain why we stay with abusive individuals.” This second article is enlightening in itself. It explains in terms of behavioral psychology why sporadic reinforcement of a behavior–that’s to say, when a behavior is rewarded only intermittently as opposed to every time–it creates a powerfully addictive incentive to continue the behavior, even if in the long run you get punished for it far more often than you get rewarded!

As this applies to casino gambling, an addiction of your husband’s, the gambler doesn’t win every time he gambles. He loses more often than not. Yet he does win some of the time, and the knowledge that losses are normal, while there’s always a chance, a hope of winning next time, keeps him stuck at the table, even if he ends up bankrupt.

I’m not trying to “excuse” your husband’s wasteful behavior by saying this. Of course he should have paid that electricity bill instead of gambling the money away! I’m only explaining it in part, which is different. I hope you don’t mind if I say he’s a damned fool on top of being a Grade Z asshole. Incidentally psychopaths (which he could well be) are prone to addictions of that kind.

But the point of all this is that you yourself can be unknowingly caught in an addictive trap of this kind. Every time your husband “hoovers” you back into his clutches with a new round of lovebombing, excuses and apologies for previous behavior, pleas for forgiveness, and promises of change and undying love, you feel like you’ve “won”! ”At last I’ve got the ‘knight errant’ back that I fell in love with!” After that he gradually slips back to treating you like crap: the “losing run.” Yet the nature of addiction is that you keep focused on the eternal hope of “winning,” of “hitting the jackpot,” of finally getting and keeping the man you fell in love with–the “image” of a man, rather, because it was never the reality–while discounting and ignoring all the times you “lose,” and the pain it’s caused you.

Unlike him, you have good excuses for staying addicted to him this way, in spite of your losses. You could never have seen it as an “addiction” to start with. Just as important, he, and others like him, if they had half a brain in their head would at least know that in casino gambling “the House always wins” in the long run. How else could the House finance those luxury Vegas hotels and scintillating floor shows? That means the punter nearly always loses to pay for it!

You on the other hand could always hold out what seemed a realistic hope that your husband might reform and change for the better, permanently; so your praiseworthy persistence and loyalty in forgiving his multitude of sins might be rewarded in the end as you deserved. How could you know otherwise?

That brings me to another point. Somewhere on this site there’s an article on the so-called “Just World Hypothesis,” though I’m having a hard time finding it. It alludes to the belief that this world we live in is “just,” that people in the end get the rewards–or the punishments–they deserve, in return for their behavior, good or bad.

Many people adhere to this belief out of wishful thinking, that “everything will come out right in the end.” Sorry, I don’t believe a word of it. It’s a pathetically naive, “Pollyanna-ish” illusion. We don’t necessarily “get what we deserve,” not at all. Not here, at any rate.

We may indeed get our rewards in Heaven, or our punishments in Hell. Since you go to church, and since you’ve tried so hard to do good, to display Godly love and forgiveness, to “turn the other cheek” time and again in the face of your husband’s abuses, I don’t doubt you’re due for a reward in Heaven! But we don’t necessarily “get what we deserve”on this Earth!

There’s a guy named Chester G. Karrass who’s advertised heavily on airline magazines especially, to catch the eye of the business traveler. He conducts seminars on “Effective Business Negotiation,” which some people claim have helped them. I’ve never attended one myself, and I’m not suggesting you should either. I’m only drawing attention to the slogan Dr. Karrass has touted for years. It reads: “You don’t get what you deserve. You get what you negotiate!”

I’m afraid that’s life. If you let a jerk like your husband walk all over you time and again, you’ll never get what you, as a decent and dedicated human being, deserve. He’ll never change. In fact, every time you let him get away with doing this, in terms of behavioral psychology (again) you’re only rewarding his lousy behavior and encouraging him to do it all over again. Unfortunately you can’t “negotiate” with these types either, because they’ll never compromise. All you can do is kick their ass out the door and go “No Contact,” as you’re already wisely doing.

Still, not to ignore your point about the hardship of “wrapping your head around” these disastrous thirteen years of marriage, part of the trouble with this addiction business is that the constant hope of reward keeps you eternally focused on the Grand Prize, the hope–actually an illusion–of finally winning the “knight errant,” the vision of “Sir Galahad” you believed you were seeing when this relationship started. It becomes a shimmering vision of the goal to be attained, like some Holy Grail. At the same time it focuses you away from the squalid reality of what a pathetic excuse for a “knight” this guy was, so that you’re seduced into discounting the reality while plighting your troth to an illusion instead.

In consequence, wishful thinking turns truth on its head. It’s the vision that seems “real,” while the ugly behavior can be dismissed as “oh, that’s not the real ‘him’; he’s got ‘problems, that’s all, which Love–my love–can overcome.”

Sadly, with most of these abusers it is the ugly behavior that’s the ‘real’ him (or her), while their ‘loving’ behavior is at best an effort they can never keep up, and at worst just plain fake, a pretense designed to take you in and keep you captive to their wants. Now there are genuine “white knights” around–don’t lose hope–but this guy was never one of them. Don’t be fooled by a vision of Camelot.

She left the web, she left the loom,
She made three paces through the room,
She saw the water-lily bloom,
She saw the helmet and the plume,
She look’d down to Camelot.

Out flew the web and floated wide;
The mirror crack’d from side to side;
“The curse is come upon me,” cried
The Lady of Shalott.

Those words courtesy of Alfred, Lord Tennyson. My mother was fond of quoting those lines. Not that she was a victim of any curse, luckily. It was just that an old schoolmistress of hers used to recite that verse with such dramatic flair, many decades ago. We’re free to interpret it however we like. The Lady was captivated by an enchanting vision; and when “the mirror crack’d,” the vision was shockingly shattered.

In our un-poetic world, that’s hard indeed for anyone to wrap their head around. I’m very sorry.

Just as important for the future, I believe, is the “mirror” through which you’ve been seeing the world for all of your life. I’m very sorry that you’ve had, not just a thirteen-year marriage to a chronic abuser, but at least two relationships before that (since you used the plural) that were also abusive, and physically so. I gather it was only in that last encounter that your husband “got physical” with you, but of course that didn’t make his previous rotten treatment and betrayal of you any less agonizing.

The point I want to draw attention to is that you have a history of relationships with at least three abusive partners. Such bad luck is unlikely to be an “accident.” It has causes.

It’s far from unusual that many people–men and women both–find themselves in the same situation, having a whole string of bad relationships behind them. In fact it’s common. You’re by no means alone. And it’s regrettable that people like yourself are often inclined to make negative prognostications about this. At best they tell themselves they’re “fated” always to have miserable relationships. At worst they blame themselves for some supposed “flaw” in their character. Some even imagine they “deserve” the abuse that’s been heaped on them–hewing to that nonsense about a “just world,” believing that if they’re being abused, that must be because they’re “not worth” any better treatment. Whether they believe such rubbish or not, they’re likely, despite their hopes for a better relationship, to end up believing that their hopes are futile, and that they’re “never likely to get anything better.”

So it’s understandable up to a point that you saw your husband as a “knight in shining armor,” even if he wasn’t. ”At least he didn’t beat me!” Not until the end, anyway.

So part of what I’m urging is about raising standards of expectation to demand the kind of partner–imperfect as we all are, but “perfectly imperfect,” as one therapist put it–the kind of partner anyone deserves simply as a human being. And not to settle for anything less. And the question is “why do many people put up with anything less?” At any rate, why do they end up, not just with one abusive partner, but a whole string of them, as you’ve done?

It’s important to realize that this is not due to any supposed “moral failing” on your account; still less that you “deserved” this fate. It may very possibly be true, as you said, that due to your previous relationships with abusers you “projected” some of that behavior onto your husband, and criticized him for things he hadn’t been doing. Maybe. So yes, you might be harder to live with than some people without your unfortunate history, which was never your fault.

Whether that’s true or not, it was still no excuse or explanation for your husband’s own lousy, cruel, and callous behavior. That’s all on him. With a better and more sympathetic partner you could well have gotten things sorted out between you, no matter what your past “issues” were.

Again, this all boils down to your personal history, and how that “history” may have conditioned you, ironically not to learn the right lesson of history–to avoid this kind of abusive treatment, and this kind of person, at any price!–but a wrong, “twisted” misinterpretation of history that gets some people more deeply embroiled in it as they go along.

Including the idea, for instance, that if this ill-treatment is all you’ve ever experienced, maybe it’s “all you deserve.” (Wrong, wrong, wrong!) Or that it’s all you can ever expect. (Wrong again!) Or that just because a new partner seems “better” than the previous pack of losers and abusers, he (or she) is necessarily a trophy to be treasured–rather than a suspect to be wary of.

Sure, previous painful experiences may leave anyone, like yourself, feeling “prickly” and needlessly defensive, which might sabotage any new and fresh relationship with a better and healthier partner. However, the other side of that coin is just as true. Any significant relationship with an abuser can erode and destroy self esteem, leaving anyone with less self confidence than they had before, more inclined to self blame–and more vulnerable to exploitation by a later abuser who can recognize a “soft target” when he or she sees one.

So while so-called “common sense” ought to tell us that anyone who’s been burned once should be able to avoid any such danger like the plague in future–“once bitten, twice shy”–the truth is, as another saying goes, that “common sense is far from ‘common!” Reality is so often the opposite: that people burned in a previous abusive relationship are often more, not less likely, to be exploited again, because they’ve been “softened up” in advance by previous abuse–the way an army “softened up” by artillery fire is more vulnerable to subsequent attack, or the way a body weakened by previous disease is more vulnerable to future disorders.

I’m not pretending this always happens. Not at all. It doesn’t have to be inevitable. It only happens until victims wise up to being abused, as you’re obviously doing. Congratulations! Luckily there is a point where many victims say “I’m mad as hell and I’m not taking this any more.” Just like Popeye ripping the lid off his can of spinach and pouring it down his throat. “Da-da-da dah de dahhh, da da-da-da dah de dahhh!…” Then he kicks the crap out of the bully Bluto.

But the question is, where and when did this previous process of eroding one’s defenses begin?–the weakening of personal standards of expectation, self-confidence, self-worth, and self-care? Not necessarily with that first abusive relationship. Not at all! Experience shows that it usually began long before: in childhood. A defective childhood conditions many people to become victims of abuse in later adulthood. (It can also turn others into abusers themselves, but that’s another story.)

So when anyone like yourself has been battered by a whole string of abusive relationships, I urge them to ask themselves what their childhood was like, and how it may have unwittingly conditioned them to continue becoming victims in adult life. Even subtle emotional abuse and undeserved neglect can do this.

This toxic conditioning operates in several ways. It can send the message that the child in question is “not important,” “not worth bothering with,” or downright “bad,” and therefore “not worth” a good partner in life; even “deserving of punishment.” It conditions the child to tolerate abuse and neglect, instead of rebelling against and rejecting it. (“This is the best I have any right to expect.”) It “normalizes” abusive behavior in the child’s mind, among adults he or she has observed or been subjected to, so that a child encountering such behavior in later life, instead of thinking ”Gee, that’s f*cked up, the way so-and-so is behaving,” accepts the behavior as “normal” and tolerates being a target of it themselves. And of course, any child from a screwed-up family often takes the first chance they can to escape from it–which sadly results all too often in “jumping from the frying pan into the fire,” landing up in a relationship with some toxic person or people who resemble only too closely the same kind of screwups they were so anxious to escape from in the first place.

Any of this may or may not be true for you, but I would urge anyone in your position to ask themselves this question anyway: ”How have I been conditioned by others, against my will and my own wellbeing, to accept being a victim of abusers?” You may find the answer will surprise you. You might also find, as others have, that you’ve admitted many other abusers into your life that you’re well rid of, while just as surprisingly ignoring good friends who might have helped you. That’s pure speculation, I know, though others have found that too, to their benefit.

The shattering of that mirror, the destruction of the illusion it’s been presenting to you all these years, disrupts your life in the most frightening way. You may need to reassess your entire life, and the way you’ve been treated throughout it, from childhood onward. It’s a scary process; yet the outcome may put you on a firmer footing as you proceed from here. I absolutely urge you to get competent therapeutic help–as long as you can afford it–to assist you in getting all this sorted out and coming to terms with it. You’ve had a rotten adult life so far, a life of lies and betrayal, yet you’re still young enough to turn that around–and kids to live for–for a better future. Your life is far from over!

Good luck for that future!

Redwald

struggletobefree – welcome to Lovefraud. I’m glad you told your story, and I’m glad others gave you such wonderful advice.

Your husband is definitely disordered. Yes, it is a hard pill to swallow, but the truth will set you free. The key for you is to understand that he will never change. He will never be the partner you deserve. Usually hope is a virtue, but continuing to hope that he will come around will just lead to more lost years for you.

Cut him loose, then focus on your own recovery. It will be bumpy, but you can do it.