Ghosted

Congratulations on 18 days of no contact. That is amazing. I doubt if you will be one of those who “goes back 7 times” now that you know what he is. Knowledge makes you stronger. Your research uncovered the truth and answered your questions — it was never, ever about YOU — it was all about him. The more you read, the more you research, the more you will recognize the pattern. (It amazes and appalls me how similar these predators are – like they all read the same playbook!) If he shows his nasty little head again — and he probably will once he tires of his newest victim — use that power-knowledge and lop it off. Use this time and this site to build up your shield and sharpen your sword. Play his own game and ghost him. No explanation, no conversation — because nothing you say will make a difference. Trust me – ANY contact is dangerous. Cut him out of your life, out of your memories. You deserve better – he deserves nothing. Keep strong! Reach out here and ask anything.

narcknowledgeseeker53 – Welcome to Lovefraud. Yes, he was disordered. The behavior you describe is classic narcissistic abuse, so the guy likely has either narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder. In any event, I want to validate what your observations – he behaves just like the thousands of other human predators who have been described here on Lovefraud.

No Contact is the crucial first step in your recovery. You also want to be very kind and gentle with yourself. It is not your fault that you did not know these predators existed. Many, many mental health professionals have discovered that their training about these disorders was sorely lacking. In fact, most therapists who understand what happens in these relationships only know about them because they’ve experienced the sociopathic betrayals themselves.

So take your time, and let yourself heal. It will be a bumpy ride for a while. But now that you know what you are dealing with, you will be able to recover.

Hi narcknowledgeseeker – I agree with what emilie said in that you will not go back with him. Because you have seen the truth and have the needed information now. Another thing that you may come across is about staying in the relationship – many people get down on themselves for staying in the dysfunctional relationship as long as they did, but it is only because of the lack of understanding of psychological abuse with narcs, and the confusion they bring. As you said, everything suddenly gets clarity once you have started to read material about the phenomenon. But alas, though all the knowing can get you out of the relationship ( in your case, it seems to me that you stood up to him and confronted him, and narcs cannot tolerate someone who comes from strength, so you actually were the one who got out of the toxic entwinement ), but as I was saying, even though you are out and have knowledge, now comes the very hard work of becoming healed from all the abuse that you have endured. Part of it is reading and learning so that you can pin point exactly where your ex fit into the spectrum, and then deliberately turning towards light and love because the narc wished to turn you away from the beauty that you are. So the healing is all about finding your way back to the core of yourself that is love. But painful emotions will arise as they are being cleared out, so beware that you don’t let that get you down. Instead, use all your courage to get through it – and you definitely will. But I truly know what you are going through and it is not easy at all. But the end is truly “ happily ever after “ because you will find your true happiness through your healing. If you have any questions or would like feedback about any issues or situations, don’t hesitate to post. A lot of us here have “ gone through the mill “ and thus have the experience that you may benefit from. So glad you posted !
Blessings

narc- Hang in there.

SG

An all too familiar story for those of us who found our way here. You’re in good company now! I was with my N for a little over a year but since we were both retired (ironically, both from law enforcement) we were together nearly all the time. It was rocky from the very beginning but I had no idea what I was dealing with. I was in love with him like I had not ever been with anyone else.

Had it not been for his former best friend, who coincidentally happened to be one of my best friends and another reason it seemed “meant to be”, telling me he is a sociopath after one of our first fights I wouldn’t have even known to eventually do research on the topic. Once I did, many months later, I literally cried while reading a book that had the exact same behaviors and phrases, word for word, that I was subjected to constantly. How could they write this book about MY life??

It took me a long time to get to the point of researching and finding out why our relationship was so bad. I fell for his charms every time he came back after he either ghosted me or I told him it was over. I agree with Emily that you’re on the right path now and won’t go back. I also agree with Polestar about not getting down on yourself. I did. How could I, as a strong woman who was a cop for 30 years and helped so many other people, especially in domestic violence situations, not see what was happening? How could I have changed so much for him? For anyone for that matter?! One of my closest friends actually said to me, “You’re not the (Jane) I have known.”

Like you, he did the same to me in that after I changed for him due to his subtle comments it was never good enough. My clothes weren’t nice enough, my weight wasn’t low enough, my laugh was too loud and embarrassing or I was too serious all the time. It was constant criticism mixed with some fun and a lot of sex, but also with a lot of fights out of no where and/or ghosting for no reason so he could see other women and claim “we weren’t together.”

I too was practically non-functioning for weeks after he left me the final time. Then it got worse. Eight weeks after my last conversation with him in which he said he wasn’t dating anyone and had no intentions to, my daughter told me, “he’s getting married next week.” Furthermore, “he said it was okay to tell you.” Translation: “I still have my hooks in you and want to see if you’ll beg me one more time even though it will do no good.” He got a text saying he was “the biggest piece of shit on the planet…” But it devastated me more than I had been when he first left me and I didn’t think that was possible.

Fast forward 14 months. I relocated to another state over 1,000 miles away partly from fear of him showing up at my doorstep. I was on a road trip with my daughter when I got a text from a phone number I didn’t recognize because I had deleted him from my contacts, as well as all pictures I had of him or us, which weren’t many because he couldn’t risk proof of him having a girlfriend! That would ruin his dating prospects! My daughter confirmed with her contacts that the number was his. It was an obscure message but once I knew it was him it made sense to me. Mind you he had been married for over a year. I didn’t take the bait.

Stay strong and don’t fall for his charms any longer. He’s proven who he is and how little he’s willing to put into the relationship. He’s all for himself and just using women for his own benefit. You deserve better and it’s out there. I kept to myself a lot and didn’t date for many months at a time but I found a man who is very kind and sweet and loves everything about me, including my overweight body and loud laugh! We have far more in common than I ever did with the N and we are extremely happy together!

It helps to distract yourself and focus on you.

SG

OMG! “Don’t cave in!” Are my best words of advice! You and I might have been dating the same guy!! Once we went out with another couple to a crowded restaurant/tap room and he made sure to sit far away from me
at the round table while our friends were all cozy and loving with each other. I loved my N so much I watched him like a hawk. I absolutely adored him. What I saw was him and a young blonde woman watching each other all night. She walked past our table FIVE times! Always exiting on the side of the table where they could make eye contact and returning behind my back and cutting between our table and the next – behind him – to get back to her table when there were other routes to take. I finally asked him, “do you want me to go ask for her phone number for you?” He played dumb and asked who I was talking about. I said, “the blonde you’ve been watching all night.” He stormed out to his car without a word and ghosted me for 2 weeks. Why? Because he had been caught. Not because I was wrong!

You’re still early in your NC and it’s hard-!! I know! I’ve been there. We all have. That evil man still haunts my thoughts nearly every day. He destroyed my self esteem, my confidence, nearly everything about me including almost destroying my relationship with my own daughter!! I have so much more I could share but it’s a long story. Including contacting his GF before me, as he often used her to triangulate against me – her side of the story is VERY different, and I actually sent a letter to his new wife’s ex husband to warn him that if he cares about her at all she made need his help someday. They were hiding their marriage – or at least he was lying about it. It was simultaneously an act of kindness and revenge!

I know it’s hard but listen to your head, not your heart!!

These stories are all similar to mine. I was with a sociopath on and off for 10 years, 2 of which we were married. So many parts of your stories match mine except one part. Mine was never about sex. I always wanted sex more than he did. When we had sex it was ok but I wouldn’t say great. In the last year or so we have had problems in the bedroom. He was unable to perform and wound up getting a prescription for viagra. I know this doesn’t change the fact that he’s a sociopath I’m just curious if any one has had a similar experience. I recently left the relationship and have been NC for 15 days. I have no urge to reach out to him after 6 previous breakups over the last 10 years. He is a classic sociopath. I could never prove the cheating through the years but I did this time. Of course he denied it and got pissed off that he was caught. The biggest issue for me besides the obvious need to wrap my brain around all that’s happened is the sexual part. Has anyone else’s sociopath had sexual performance issues?

need2heal, you said:

I literally cried while reading a book that had the exact same behaviors and phrases, word for word, that I was subjected to constantly. How could they write this book about MY life??

I’m sure readers would be interested to know the name of the book, and the author, who succeeded in capturing the words and behaviors of these abusers so accurately!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Redwald.

Hi everybody – all of you are awesome and it feels so good to have real community. From working on my healing, I have come to believe that recovery from a narc relationship is all about finding the real core person that we were to begin with. Loneliness is not about not being with a partner, it is an indication that we have lost our true connection with our own self. That happened because we were trying so hard to connect and share love with someone who would not or could not or did not have that agenda. So in all of our striving for connection with them, we lost our connection to us. When they were very sure that had happened – that is when they do a discard or ghost etc. kind of like pulling the rug out from under us when they were sure that we had nothing left to stand on. So the healing is all about reconnecting with our own loving selves – our true being. The most difficult part is to stop ruminating on the narc. Their influence even through just thinking about them is so dark and toxic, that it throws the survivor back into the hole of suffering. I have tried every which way to accomplish this. I know it is a big struggle, because our mind wants very much to rehash it all. But I have found that it helps to educate the mind and convince it that rehashing only darkens the heart, because when we think of them then we are relating to them psychically, and when relating we absorb their cruelty. Anyway, I have come up with a technique that seems to be working for me thus far. I figured out what is called “ a critical incident “ – the one thing my ex did that was in my opinion the one most horrible thing that they did. So now, when the thought of him arises, I either just say, “ critical incident “, or remember it briefly. Then I know that I want to have no more thinking about him or to have him anywhere near my psychic life. In the meantime, I have been pursuing many things that truly interest me and make me feel more whole. Anyway, I hope that you can gain from what has worked for me. There are, I know, many strategies, but the overall situation is the realization that this is a war – and we are waging it against anyone who tries to destroy our sense of being the unique and wonderful person that we are.
Blessings

Hi narcknowledge – I’m glad that you reached out for a therapist. I don’t want to complicate your life further, but I thought that you should be aware that many therapists either don’t have sufficient knowledge about psychological abuse, or else they have had no experience with it. In those cases, they would not be able to address the crucial issues for your healing. So it is would be wise to “ shop “ for a therapist who you really connect with and knows how to help your specific situation. Therapists are people after all, and therapy is so personal, so checking out more than one is appropriate. On Les Carter’s site, he has a place where he has recommended therapists who are well versed in dealing with narcissists and the fall out from dealing with character disordered individuals. I think you can get in touch with one right there through his site. Best to you.
Blessings

Amber Ault who wrote the 5 Step Exit does telephone therapy I think. You might consider her.

SG

narcknowledgeseeker53 – Obsession is actually a stage of recovery – you want to know the truth, so you can restore your equilibrium. But it is exhausting. If you are open to alternative therapies, you may want to try EFT tapping. We have a great webinar on EFT tapping to break your addiction to the sociopath. Lots of people have found it helpful.

Webinars on escaping sociopaths, narcissists and relationship abuse

Hi everyone – it’s so weird how all these narcs sing from the same hymn book, don’t they? All the stories are so similar! I stumbled across love letters that my now ex was writing to his mistress, and he was triangulating her with a 3rd woman! She knew he was married, and she knew she was the secret mistress, and yet she was miserable because he kept telling her how much he was attracted to the 3rd woman. Anyway, what struck me was the seductive bs that he was writing – how much he loved her, wanted to put his arms around her, knew that it would all work out, she should trust him etc…. and in the end she wrote back telling him all the things she loved about him and how grateful she was for him! The reason I’m mentioning this is that when he and I were first dating, and he was triangulating me with 3 (yes 3!) other women, he spouted this same crap and I was stupid enough to believe him. I trusted him and loved him. But seeing him doing this same stuff to someone else – and I literally have their conversation in black and white – it is so ridiculously transparent that this is psychological abuse, emotional manipulation and basically, gaslighting. She is broken-hearted but she just gets his bs back. She even said “I am giving you all of my heart but you aren’t giving me all of yours.” So it is helpful for me to see this, because when it isn’t you, it is really obvious how sick and disordered he is. When you’re “in it” the seduction alters your brain chemicals and you just get swept along. I hope this helps those of you who are still struggling to accept that their partner or ex is a disordered person.

Polestar – I love what you say above about how in all of our struggle to connect with the narc, we lose our connection with ourselves. That is absolutely masterful. It is exactly what happened to me. I feel that I lost myself 20 years ago when he showed up in my life and emotionally raped me. My healing journey is really to go back 20 years to that young woman, take her by the hand, and really reconnect with her. She got abandoned by me and brutalised by him. That idea is very powerful – thank you. (And as an side, relating to the post I just wrote above about his new woman, I can see that exact same thing happening with her, as she struggles to accept the 3rd woman she is losing herself… despite it being so painful to discover those love letters, actually, it has been a gift because it can be hard at times to go back in our memory and wonder “was he really that bad? perhaps it was me?” But I have the evidence that he is the one playing the sick games…) Anyway, I absolutely love the idea of going back and befriending the young woman who got derailed from herself 20 years ago… Thank you.

Hi Freeatlast – Hi !!!
Yes, we really need to go forward from where we got derailed. But the good news is that it really was not a waste of time because we now have overcome a negativity that was powerful and we survived and are the wiser for it. You might have heard about Malachi Martin – he wrote many books and was a famous exorcist. after tremendous experience, he was able to know at a distance when someone was permeated by darkness. When asked what he does in that case, he said that he walks quickly in the other direction. He was able to fight negative forces while being a supremely understanding and loving person. So what matters is what we are in tune with right now. Are we going to continually think about and thus attune ourselves to the sociopath’s sick world and thus negativity, or are we going to attune ourselves to a higher more loving vibration and join in the community of those who love ? We need to walk as fast as we are able away from the crazy makers. I know that is exactly what you are doing! – I wanted you to know that I am taking a break from posting because I am concentrating now on getting well from my underlying co dependency issues and my people pleasing issues ( as explained in Les Carter’s book ) that I have come to realize is what has caused me to be susceptable to psychological abuse in the first place ( actually I developed the problem from childhood psych abuse ) – but in any case, it is my responsibility to heal and I need to take the time to do that. I got your post in my email, otherwise I’m not checking any new posts for now. But I wanted you to know I carry your friendship in my heart. I send you much love and blessings.

Hi Polestar! I really appreciate you posting. I totally understand you needing to take a break. I had a break – partly because I had that operation (the one I needed to self-isolate for) and was in hospital 3 nights, and then a recuperation period. During that time the children were at my parents’ and I did exactly what you’re saying here – took a break from the negativity of his world and focused on the things that brought me joy instead. So I threw myself into my astrology studies, which was brilliant fun, and taught myself to crochet, something I’ve always wanted to do! Anyway, stay well, I value our friendship so much and take care for now. xx

Didn’t read all the comments yet but good for you for breaking up!!

And once you see someone’s true character behind the mask, it’s your own responsibility if you take someone back. You have to let them go completely once you learn someone is just a bad person.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. You really only get one free pass with a narcissist/sociopath/bad person. At first there is no blame because you were innocent and trusting and did not know. But once someone has shown bad character like lying, cheating, threatening, manipulating etc then it’s on you to let them go.