New relationship after the sociopath

I have been away from my ex husband now for just about 15 years. Myself and my family never realized that there were such evil people in this world until my ex unmasked himself. Once I realized what he was, I tried to get away. He began stalking me, harassing, threatening me and my family. I was able to get a restraining order and keep it for over 6 years. It didn’t actually stop the harassment but it wasn’t as bad as it had been. I have a son from a previous relationship and a daughter with my ex husband. As I started getting stronger and more independent my ex realized that the threats weren’t working on me as they once had. When our daughter was 2.5 years old my ex abused her. There was male dna found on my daughter, but not enough for a complete dna profile. He was able to get the judge to believe that I was using parental alienation to get our daughter away from him. The judge ordered shared custody. I have spent the last 12.5 years taking care of myself and both of my kids. After seeing the damage he has done to my daughter and indirectly to me and the rest of my family I can’t even think about starting up a relationship with anyone. I know there are some great guys out there, but I have lost confidence in my own judgement and I couldn’t ever forgive myself if I let another psychopath into my kids lives.

The key is to work on your own recovery. By discovering what made us vulnerable, and healing ourselves, we create the circumstances to find what we truly want.

Recovery is difficult, it takes time, but it is absolutely worth the effort.

I totally agree with the previous post by sept4; look at their behaviours and hold on tight to your emotions until you have taken the time to get to know your new love interest. A healthy person will respect your desire to take it slowly.
For example, a disordered person will push even harder to win you over by love bombing you even harder to try and get you under their spell before you uncover their true nature. Also, remember their whole life is an act and they find it difficult to maintain the pretence so they need to get you under their influence fast!
Watch out for mirroring too, they will throw an enhanced version of ‘you’ straight back at you, they like your music, love your holiday dreams etc, people find that irresistible.
Beware of dates who run their ex partner down too, I’ve heard tales of evil exes, in a short while you may realise that your predecessor was the victim and not the perpetrator!
I could go on and on but I advise everyone to educate themselves about sociopathic behaviour; they’re all surprisingly similar in their actions and by not ignoring a red flag you could avoid a repeat performance with a new relationship.
And finally, give yourself time; when you’ve truly recovered you will develop enormous self respect and resilience! You’ll find that you can easily spot a sociopath a mile away and see them for what they are, walking away from them without a backwards glance!

To answer your 3 questions – yes, yes, and yes! LOL!

I kept to myself for the most part, made some really bad one-night stand choices because someone was telling me wonderful things my ex was always putting me down for (like, my laugh was too loud and embarrassing, or little digs that I always needed to lose weight – I’m 5’8″ weighed 150# and was in the gym for 2 hours EVERY day. I was ripped!) But it affected me greatly hearing negative comments from the person I was head over heels in love with. Although, looking back now, I have no idea why. He was horrible to me more often than not from the beginning.

After about a year I still lived in constant fear that he would show up at my front door unannounced. Even though he married someone 3 months after leaving me for the last time, and moved across the country. It was to a state with no income tax so I’m sure he found and love bombed her for his own financial gain. I decided to make a huge change in my life and moved over 1100 miles away from everything I had known my entire life. I never lived more than 35 miles from where I grew up!

Upon settling into my new home I started finding a social life but really wasn’t interested in dating. Then I met a man who appealed to me. That should have been my first warning sign! hahahaha! I told him I’d go out with him but wasn’t interested in a relationship. Almost immediately he began constantly messaging me and we ended up in a relationship but I was uneasy about it. The first time he came to my house he was making comments about how his “xyz” would look good right there, or his “abc” would fit perfectly on that wall. In my head I was thinking, “You’re never moving in here! This is my house!” A month into our dating he had to have a minor medical procedure and as he was checking in I heard him give the receptionist my information as his emergency contact!! WHAT??? I barely knew him, had no idea who or where his kids were or how to contact them, let alone what his wishes were should an emergency come up! Big red flags and warning bells were really going off. Long story short, we lasted about 3 or 4 more months with a lot of ups and downs and I saw many of the same manipulative behaviors I saw from my ex so when he accused me of cheating that was the last straw. I told him to F off. Unfortunately, we still see each other as we live in a small community and he actually had the nerve to ask me to dance one night. Typical Narc behavior. I replied with an incredulous, “NO”.

Then I spent several months on my own again until my neighbor finally broke me down with his persistent requests for a date. We have been together for just over a year now and are very happy! He absolutely adores me and wanted to date me from the first time he saw me. The beginning was a little rough as he had to get rid of a “friend with benefits” which really set back my trust meter. But we got past it and he treats me wonderfully, is very calm and easy going – the complete opposite of my ex, and we have a great arrangement where he has his house, I have mine, and we share our lives where and when it’s convenient for our schedules. My granddaughter lives with me and he is the only male figure in her life and has been since she was 6 months old. They are great pals! We had our first argument a few weeks ago and it was absolutely caused by his action to ditch our plans and get a beer with the boys triggering old feelings of how my ex treated me. He would pick fights over the most ridiculous stuff or just disappear without cause because he met someone he wanted to go out with and he could justify doing it if we, “weren’t together.”

So back to your three questions. I’ve experienced all three and am now in a happy, loving relationship!

Interesting questions…

A little background: I have been free from my toxic relationship with a definite narcissist and possible sociopath for four years now. This man love-bombed me, moved into my life and my home way too quickly, talked me into spending money on things he wanted but I did not need, then when he got everything he thought he could get, took off with all the new stuff – including a tractor and trailer, a gun, cell phone, all sorts of expensive power and hand tools (including some I had owned before him) and owing me for half of a Ford pickup truck and a 40 foot fifth wheel trailer. He cheated on me with a younger woman and, I found out later, was on dating and porn sites constantly.

One of the reasons I fell for him was that I was just getting back into dating after a 30 year hiatus. I had married at age 20 and spent the next 10 years with an alcoholic emotional abuser, then dated a series of losers and abusers and finally gave it all up, figuring it must have been me that attracted these types. So I had absolutely NO experience with men. At age 64 I met a gentleman at the local community center and we dated briefly, but he broke it off after a few months – and that just fueled my belief it was my fault. So when this fast-talking, charming man blazed into my life I believed everything he said and fell hard. It was only much later –after reading this site and others – that I realized what and who he was.

So – on to the questions:

“Are you staying single and just focusing on yourself instead of seeking a new relationship?”

I had every intention of doing just that. Interestingly the man I had met at the social center – the one who dumped me – came back into my life at the end of this relationship. He helped me through some tough emotional times, listened to me, treated me with respect and sympathy, and was nothing but a gentleman and good friend. I was wary after he dumped me. He eventually told me he was sorry he had done that – but he was frightened of getting too involved – his divorce and the subsequent death of his ex spouse four years previously had made him cautious. And I was too shell shocked from the toxic relationship to consider anything romantic.

“Did you find a new relationship but it turned out to be another sociopath or disordered person?”

No. All the reading and studying and asking questions finally made me aware that it was NEVER me – and I started looking for “red flags”. And seeing them. I tried on-line dating but that was absolutely FULL of sharks and barracudas. I went out with a few men but one date was usually enough to recognize danger signs. I would talk over my experiences with my friend and end up laughing about them. He never judged me.

“Or did you find a new relationship with a healthy genuinely loving and kind person?”

After six or seven months of our growing friendship we both admitted that the “spark” was still there and cautiously, slowly, stated dating. It took me a long time to trust his motives. I still find myself questioning what he sees in me. We have been a couple for three years now. We are still best friends. We talk about everything. We share hopes and dreams. And we spend weekends pillow talking and cuddling. Our relationship is not traditional. I maintain my own home and he his. We enjoy each other’s company, have dinners out or cook together, go shopping, take short trips together.

I have finally gotten to the point that I truly believe he IS kind, genuine, supportive, loving, sweet, generous and – most importantly – normal. I trust his motives. I trust him. Neither of us want to marry again or even move in with each other. We enjoy each other and cherish our time together. I have never had a relationship even remotely close to this — no drama, no trauma, no second-guessing, no walking on eggshells. It is nice.

Sad though – I had to wait until my 8th decade to find it. So happy I did.

I am taking my time. It’s been four years since I divorced the sociopathic ex husband after a 20+ year marriage. He died a few months later as a result of his bad habits (he was bi or gay and used poppers a lot – amyl nitrite – a gay party drug). I needed to grieve the end of the marriage & , surprisingly, his death.

Am aware of the red flags, but I have to be aware of my own feelings of loneliness, self-pity, fear of being alone, unattractive, victimized. The latter may cause me to let my guard down. I figure cunning sociopaths are reading these forum entries to adjust their tactics so they’re almost undetectable until they hook you.

I would date many people at the same time to contrast and compare. Buy a bunch of Google phone numbers & use a particular one for each person. Easy to cut ties and communication (delete the number) if the person turns out to be a weirdo.

emilie18- I am just now reading your post and it gives me so much comfort! Thank you for sharing your story with all of the background information. I’m so happy you have discovered all of the good things about your current relationship.

Our background is somewhat similar in that we are in the latter part of our lives. I was married for 24 years before my divorce. My ex husband was not a bad person, we just grew a part. We were separated for 3 years before the divorce became final and in that 3 years I did not date at all feeling I was still technically married and did not want to bring that into any new relationship. I never entertained remarrying, instead enjoyed many different types once I did start dating. I had my share of losers for sure as well as many decent guys too. I think I created my own problems by being attracted to more edgy types that were trouble, but fun. I remained friends with some of them to this day, yet none of them compared to the sociopath/narcissist that I ended up meeting. He was like no other love that I ever encountered. I thought he was my best friend as he was there for me during many difficult times like losing my mother. We met in my city, but he lived in another city so the long distance relationship ensued. It was probably a blessing in disguise as I realized who he was and what was going on. Nonetheless, we had some great times together during the love bombing period and that is what I grieve now. Granted I ended up ending things with him telling him “I was no longer going to allow him to treat me this way.” That is one of my strongest moments and I’m sure it bruised his ego although I’m sure his newest “victim” was waiting in the wings so he was able to bounce back from any bruising I incurred.

When you refer to finding a real and honest relationship in your 8th decade I can relate. I just celebrated my 74th birthday and it was difficult because I’m not sure my time will ever come in finding a new relationship. I’m blessed to have my independence, my health, my son and his family, financial security and supportive friends and I can live with that. There are times though that I long for the life my N projected and it gets me very emotional. My hope is that a I find acceptance of all that happened and can be at peace with it.

I’ve often said I’d love to find someone normal that has no intentions of getting married, they have their own home and don’t want to move into mine, yet we share fun times together, vacations, long conversations, holidays and affection and friendship. It sounds like you’ve found that and I’m so happy for you! Being able to trust yourself again and trust in another relationship is huge and such a blessing! Enjoy and be well!