NY Times article on legislation against coercive control

sept4- reading your post and the article termed “coercive control.” Thanks for sharing. As I find myself putting the pieces together after the fact, I have to wonder if something like the “Stockholm Syndrome” relates to victims of sociopaths/narcissists? We settle for crumbs and become grateful for anything outside of the abuse and then in time feel the abuse and our abuser is not all that damaging.

Given my relationship was long distance I feel my ex was able to put statements out there that now seem off the wall, but because there were miles between us to him some of the statements had more time to see if they would stick or register with me.

As I reflect I now see so many red flags that I either dismissed or did not take seriously at the time. In one of our initial meetings he asked if I lived in an apartment or house. Guessing if I owned my home (which I do) he probably thought there was more equity there for him to exploit. He also asked “what type of man I was looking for?” Of course to his advantage he could pretend to be that man and I would fall madly in love with him. My response was first and foremost I wanted honesty in a relationship and of course he was the furthest thing from an honest human being ever. He also used to tell me I was “easy” to get to know because I was so open and honest. Yep, I was a very easy read for him and being long distance gave him the freedom to do whatever he wanted yet still have someone to boost his ego from a distance. Sitting here now it is unbelievable how many red flags there were. With every ah, ha moment I feel like such a fool!

I’m celebrating a birthday today and feeling really melancholy about time wasted. More importantly, I now need to figure out what my deficits were to be so easily deceived by my ex. The obvious was the wonderful feelings of love, being able to express myself and my inner most feelings and feeling someone was always thinking of me. It was the relationship I had always desired, yet to be sure he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Again…..another long winded post, yet the only place I feel I can be totally honest about my feelings. Thank you for listening:)

Thank you for the birthday wishes, sept4! Reading your responses tells me you have done your homework and have definitely learned so much about sociopaths/narcissists. One would surely notice you are no longer an easy target.

I know I still need to work on myself even though I was an unsuspecting target. My vulnerabilities are ingrained as always having been in the role of the “fixer” in my family growing up. I still look for the good in people, root for the underdog and view things with an open mind. I’m drawn to a man with a bit of an edge or some “flavor” and I don’t mesh well with boring or predictable. I think going forward I want to look deeper into someone and look for their strengths rather than assume their outward appearance is boring. Funny, when I met my ex I was actually dating someone. That person was also new to my life, yet I found him a bit boring. When my N came onto the scene there was something charismatic about him and I fell hard. At that time in my life I don’t think I was lonely, but there was just this instant chemistry. I’ve been divorced and single for many years and was never one to want to remarry. I felt an exclusive relationship would be something that I would like where we are both on the same page. Even now, I’m not lonely- just feeling empty and kind of lost. I think I’m at a point in my life where I’m not exactly a spring chicken so losing what I thought was a mutual relationship leaves me pondering what the rest of my life will look like. I half hoped my ex would remember my birthday…..not sure why- maybe it would prove he was decent, but of course no acknowledgement – guess he proved who he really is and that is probably for the best.

Sept 4 when you mention you are still lonely perhaps we need to reframe that. You can be lonely when you are right next to your supposed partner and for sure we’d be coming up empty and lonely if we stayed with our exes. That said, I think I’m leaving things up to the universe and along the way taking time for myself and cherishing family and friends. When I say family I’m referring to my son, daughter-in-Law and grandson. My only living sibling is a sister who I no longer have a relationship with and coincidentally is also a narcissist. My friends are more like family to me than she is and I’m good with that.

I already feel like I’ve found a new community and a friend in you. Your insight and wisdom helps me see things in a different light and gives me a new perspective. Thank you! What is it about me that seems to only post extremely long -winded posts?! So much to say during my healing and recovery I guess 😊

Yes, sept4 I would say you have successfully worked through the process and experience now being attracted to the nice guy types. That is a really good thing and you should be proud of yourself. I know I have a ways to go since my NC is fairly recent. Sure, the length of my long distance relationship was 7 years, but during that time we were not always “together.” He would take silent treatments or I would take a break from him when I was exhausted with his lame excuses or empty promises. He did a lot of projecting, yet things never came to fruition. This past year was different and we became closer, or so I thought. This was due to the loss of my mom and some medical issues that affected both of us. He seemed to be more caring and understanding and tender. However, as things went on so did more empty promises and excuses that just didn’t add up. That’s when I firmly decided it was time for me to end the relationship and in no uncertain terms, I meant it this time. So technically it has only been 3 months of NC. My mind still goes back to our more tender moments and conversations, yet I know there is and never will be any follow through on his part.

When you mentioned “boring” is a good thing it reminded me of what our country is going through. I don’t want to get political, but journalists have said reporting on the new administration may be boring to some that were always tuned into the national news and that may be a good thing for our country. And so goes our life without the sociopaths and narcissists creating chaos for us.

I made a point of doing some things for myself yesterday on my birthday. Given COVID and all I did not get together with friends or family, but I went out and purchased a couple of things for myself and picked up a nice grilled salmon dinner to enjoy at home that evening. All in all, it was some TLC that was much needed! I see more of that in my future 😊

sept4- Yes, I agree that the former president’s personality traits were very similar to my N. They were not alike at all in their physical make-up, but so many controlling dynamics were very much alike. I had one boss I worked for years ago that could have been Trump’s brother separated at birth. Controlling, condescending, etc. I had previously mentioned my sister is what I would also describe as a narcissist. I didn’t know much about this personality disorder for most of our lives, yet I always knew she was terribly exhausting to be around and she created a lot of chaos. I often said if she was a co-worker I would avoid her like the plague. So how did I not recognize the same traits in my N as my former boss or sister? I believe my N came across as a romantic personality and his tactics were more covert and softer in the beginning. Now that I sit back and reflect I realize all of these personalities are one and the same which is a huge ah, ha moment for me. I was fooled by the romance and the vivid picture of a potential love relationship that my N created. Again, my emotions were caught up in everything and it was harder to discern.

Now having a clearer picture of how all of these personalities in my life presented differently although having distinct commonalities, I’m better prepared to recognize these disorders should they ever pop up in my life again. The positive takeaway is we continuously learn from our situations and I say Amen to that!

sept4- Yes, there was a lot of love bombing in the beginning. Often times when things were not good I found myself wanting to get back to the love bombing stages which I now know is normal when you are involved with an N.

As for my sister…..she had not visited my mother for 5 months prior to my mom’s fall and subsequent hospitalization and death. My sister always played the victim and even at her advanced age would argue with my mom telling her that she always favored me. Heck, I was the one who was there for my mom, but now I can see it was my sister’s passive/ aggressive way of punishing my mom by not coming around. We all live in the same city so it was not as if my sister lived in another state. The last time I saw my sister or communicated with her was a year and a half ago when my mom passed away. My sister made a comment that perhaps if she had come around more maybe mom would have lived longer. My mom was 93 and after her fall she wanted end of life. I told my sister I’m not sure her being around more would have changed the outcome, yet I wish she would have been around more to help me out with my mom’s care. I also asked her why she never felt any responsibility to help with my mom’s care. In true narcissist fashion she picked up her marbles and huffed away never to be heard from again! If she thought she was hurting me by doing that she was actually doing me a favor. Way too much drama dealing with her! Like I’ve said, my friends are more like sisters to me than any blood relative.

I agree, sept4 stability, peace and genuineness are good goals to strive for. When I do take stalk of the people now in my life I realize there is no drama to deal with. It is so much better to have people in your life that energize you rather than drain you. Your posts always make me take stalk of things and I learn from your shared experiences and your perspective. Thank you for adding that to my life right now during this challenging time of wanting to be free of my N, yet still fighting that spell they seem to leave behind. One breath at a time, one day at a time and one successful step at a time!