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As I’m processing the end of my relationship with my narcissistic sociopath it has me wondering why I feel the need to prove that I’m not stupid? I’ve gone into detective mode and have uncovered even more disgusting legal things my ex was involved in. Now trying to put the pieces together I can see all of the lies for what they were. It’s as if I need hard evidence to validate my reasons on why I left the relationship and also hard evidence to prove I’m not stupid. It’s a fight between his charm and all of his underlying deceit with the cold hard evidence proving in black and white that it was all a lie. Is this what cognitive dissidence looks like?
I’m also wondering if it has something to do with my abuse as a young child and feeling I did not have a voice? Now as an adult I feel no one is going to take me for a fool and angry that this N charmed his way into my heart not to mention my brain. I seem to have the need to prove with hard facts that he is a manipulative liar who has more baggage than a cargo plane! It’s like I have to have that smoking gun to validate my reasons for leaving this sociopath as if all his lying charm was not enough reason. At one point I told him “I know more than you think I do.” He laughed it off and said, “I’m not playing that game with you.” I know laying it all out there for him would fall on deaf ears, so how do I satisfy myself and not feel like anyone can take me for a fool?
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You ask “how do I satisfy myself and not feel like anyone can take me for a fool?” That’s a very real and valid feeling. As you read through other’s stories here and on other forums you will see the same question asked in so many ways…and the answer is — It Is Not YOU. Sociopaths, Narcissists, Con Artists — whatever label is given for any manipulative, unscrupulous, devious snake — are very, very good at what they do – and have no empathy for their victim or concern about the consequences of their actions.
These disordered personalities actively look for and easily identify people who will be good victims, just like a serial killer may seek out the perfect prey.
These types look for someone empathetic, compassionate and possibly looking for an escape or life change or some adventure – someone vulnerable. They come off as charming, exciting and fun to be with, sympathetic and caring, because they are amazingly good at reading and mirroring their victim and knowing just which of their many interchangeable personalities will win them over.
It is like getting addicted to a drug. First you get hooked on the relationship. Then you fall in love with the fantasy. Then when the person’s odd behavior, lies or confusing ways start becoming evident, you interpret it in more forgiving ways because you think you love them – you are addicted. Finally, comes the withdrawal stage of the unveiling, when the con falls apart.
You don’t need to be foolish or unintelligent or naive for this to happen – you just need to be in the perpetrator’s sights. Look how many people fall for cons, cults or charismatic leaders. Most of them are NOT stupid.
It is hard to get to the mindset of “It was never about me.” but that is one of the keys to forgiving yourself and moving on. You are a brilliant, amazing, worthy, incredible woman who just happened to step into the path of a Very Bad Person. Keep reminding yourself of that and give it time. Process through it as many times as you need until it IS real. Because it is. Your relationship with the sociopath was never real.
Stay strong.
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Yes I agree with Emilie. It’s not your fault and you are not stupid. They are just really good con men.
Are there certain vulnerabilities you had that they can hook into? Yes of course, because you are a normal human being. Normal people always have vulnerabilities. Might be your family history, might be past abuse, might be loneliness, might be craving love etc. Now if you met a normal person they will understand your vulnerabilities and be sensitive to them and help you if they can. Only a sociopath actually targets those vulnerabilities to hook you and manipulate and abuse you.
Your goal should not be to be some hard shell perfect human being without vulnerabilities at all. Vulnerability is a natural part of being human. You can work on your own vulnerabilities if you can for your own sake, but there will always be weak spots remaining that a sociopath can hook into.
So the most important lesson is just to learn how to spot sociopaths and learn how to spot when you are being targeted and manipulated. And then to stay away from people like that.
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funluvmusic25 – Sociopaths hijack the human bonding system. They take normal human responses and behavior and use them against us.
Probably the best example of this is trust. It is normal for human beings to trust. Trust is hardwired into our biology. In fact, the human race never would have survived if we had not developed the ability to trust, because trust is what allowed us to live together in communities, which enabled us to survive as a species.
Sociopaths take advantage of our natural inclination to trust. This has nothing to do with intelligence. We are supposed to trust.
Then, they do target our vulnerabilities. And yes, we all have vulnerabilities. If you want something, it makes you vulnerable. And we all want something.
It is a rude awakening to realize that someone abused your trust and took advantage of your vulnerabilities. But again, this has nothing to do with “stupid.” You were not stupid. You were human.
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wow – that’s so great that he was arrested! It doesn’t happen very often. At least there was some justice.
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I’ve just ditched a dreadful man. I’m in the UK.
He is head of Fraud at a large UK Solicitor’s company.
He and I met 26 years ago and I ditched him after 8 years then because he was sleeping with everything that had a pulse as well as living with someone. 2 years ago he contacted me to see if I’d like to meet up and chat about old times. I said no – then he tried again 15 months ago and I did! STUPID or what?
he wined me and dined me twice a week at lunch time – because he had a wife and 3 children. He told me his wife had come out as a lesbian, he had changed but was doing everything for his 3 kids. (his son from a first marriage refuses to speak to him)
He promised me the world – visiting all the places we could be happy together – but because of his kids he couldn’t tell his wife.(so much detail left out here)
During Lockdown he told me that his earnings had dropped from 100k to 30k so he’d taken out 2 credit cards to the full limit. he said he was worried about the boys but would soon recoup it. He actually said I dont want any help. At times his credit card was refused at pubs and restaurants. He was NEVER off Whatsapp- so i felt I was in a 24/7 relationship.
Eventually I demanded that he tell his wife or it was over. He asked for 1 last Christmas and 2 children’s birthdays to be over before he told her.
According to him he told her on the 31st of Jan – my deadline – he told me in detail over Whatsapp how she had taken it. Evidently then he and his wife spoke to each of the boys in turn to tell them that Daddy has a new girlfriend like Mommy has Girlfriends.
On 5 Feb he phoned to say he was on his way over – this was in the evening! Unknown.
When he turned up I was Zoom working
He sat very reserved in the living room and told me that he had been sent by his wife as she’s obviously been going through his stuff and came across a legal document where he had forged her signature for £45,000. He also told me that he had an older son from a woman he had slept with that has Down’s syndrome.
I told him I could cover the debt – he knew I was due a huge payout from an aunt who had died.
He went home a happy boy saying at least he didn’t have to stop by his Dad’s to ask for the money.
The following day I told him I didn’t think I could cover the debt as there were a lot of questions I still had for him (I had no intention of covering his debt)
I had phone calls – which I answered – to say he come over for family lunch on Sunday:
“Oh I cant get away – it’ll be difficult on the boys”
I asked why he couldn’t just phone me from home instead of always getting in his car : “Oh I like to keep my conversations private”
I told him to send my keys back – which he did.
There’s so much else to say about this story but getting this much out has helped a lot.
Yes, I do feel stupid but I enjoyed his company and I wasn’t looking for commitment but he got under my skin. I’m sure that he’s going through his little black book to see who else he can try. -
Sorry I forgot to hit notify me
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Funluv yes what you said about your “constant” is a great tool. I’ve been doing that but I didn’t know it was called that.
Basically I think of someone very close to me like my sister or my best friend and think if they would *ever* treat me a certain way. And of course they would never!!
It’s crazy that the sociopath can normalize his awful behavior so much that we even have to go through this exercise to confirm the crazy.
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Funluv yes the brainwashing is so scary. During my divorce I spent a couple of years in a sort of twilight zone brain fog becoming slowly aware of the manipulation but vacillating between awareness and denial.
My cognitive dissonance was so strong that my mind could not process the truth so I kept going back and forth between gaining some awareness and falling back into denial for comfort and survival.
It felt like a battle was going on in my mind with the truth trying to emerge but my denial kept pushing it back down over and over.
Now many years later I am out of the fog and have clarity but I spent years in that in between state because it was just too difficult to accept. Brainwashing is a crazy thing.
I’ve found it’s impossible to explain brainwashing to friends and family. Even though they love me and support me, if you haven’t experienced brainwashing yourself it’s almost unimaginable that someone can literally take over control of your mind.
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Funluv I’m sorry you are having a hard time today. Yes there will be good days and bad days. Slowly the good days will outnumber the bad days.
Hope you can practice some self care to feel better. Maybe take yourself out to a nice dinner, or go to the gym or pool if it is open in your area, or get a manicure/pedicure or massage if any of of those are available. It’s harder now with COVID but there are always things to do that will make you feel better. Take care of yourself and focus on healing and loving yourself.
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