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I’ve been involved with a textbook narcissist & avoidant attachment guy for a few years. Would love to understand him better so I can keep him around. He’s married but YEARS ago left his wife and child “for work” and will readily admit he didn’t have to, just felt like it, for $/selfishness/freedom. He says he barely speaks to his wife, which I believe, if only bc he would call me every night when visiting his child for hours, and they aren’t even social media friends lol.
We’ve been sexually involved but then he’ll randomly announce he doesn’t need it and reject me. He’ll tell me he doesn’t want me sexually while calling me for phone sex almost every night or asking for an occasional oral favor in person. Tells me we are just friends, then gets belligerent if I admit to dating anyone else. Once he claimed he was really interested in some faraway woman, told me to find someone else, and we didn’t speak for a while. During that, I slept with 1 person once after getting to know him for months. And when I later told the narcissist this, He freaked out and said he’ll never sleep with me again because of what I did. Because of what? He specifically told me to find someone else! Yet he continues tons of sexual conversations with me, And obsesses over trying to find out details of my single encounter that wasn’t him. Recently he said he was upset that taking me out to a nice dinner didn’t seem to be good enough for me since it wasn’t followed by sex. He says he just wants to be alone and doesn’t want sex because it involves connection with another human, yet he texts me all day, if we go out then he’ll start texting me again within half an hour. And some of that is sexual. Sometimes talks about how we “could’ve ended up together”
I know he’ll always go thru cycles of pushing me away, whether it’s acting religious (“I can’t have sex outside of marriage”) or just disappearing bc he wants his freedom. But I really do love being around him & the highs when we actually are sexual are worth it to me. So how do I keep him around… knowing he’s personality disordered and I’ll never have him as a “normal” partner?
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He has a lot more issues than just narcissism. My sociopathic ex bf tried to find Jesus three times during our relationship. That was a cop out for I’m bored with you. These guys are very very good at sex but they are also very good at lying and manipulating you. There’s someone much better out there for you who won’t treat you the way he does and the sex will be just as good. You need to get rid of him. I know that’s not what you want to hear but he’s just causing you pain again and again. For clarification, he’s still married???
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Found an excellent article that might help you:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-couch/201711/in-love-narcissist-6-ways-make-it-work
Although this type of relationship is not for everyone, there can be some positives in it, as long as you set your boundaries and know your limits. You need to be willing to put in the work, and have the personality to not let his actions control you or crush you. Couple of things to keep in the back of your mind — is it worth it? Will you be OK being treated as “sloppy seconds” forever? Can you deal with the fact that this relationship will NEVER be about you?
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I agree with both the previous commenters. You’re not going to hear what you want to hear from me either. First, this is absolutely NOT a healthy way to live. The toll it takes on your psyche and emotions will catch up to you physically as well.
You don’t deserve to be treated like a toy on a shelf for that selfish, little boy in a man’s body to play with when it’s convenient for him. And, as stated above, are you prepared to always have this exact same type of “relationship”? He’s never going to change and the only way to stop it is to go no contact. He will always treat you the way you allow. Which is to be at his beck and call for his sexual needs.
Even if you do something to make him supposedly commit to you, which no one should ever have to do!, he may pretend for a while to commit but it won’t last.
For your own health and sanity cut this man out of your life immediately. Block him from contacting you, grieve the loss for a while, and then move on to a HEALTHY, HAPPY, EQUAL, and LOVING relationship!!
Best of luck to you!
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I spent 12 years n a similar relationship. Difference was he was not married. During this time I never imagined I would be giving away priceless pieces of me. I kept trying to find a silver lining. That there had to be one. Sometimes it’s to late by the time we figure out why…
Love yourself more then you love anyone or anything else!!!
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