Heartbroken

I’m very sorry you are going through this but you have come to the right place. The short answer is that he got bored with you and went to find another victim. You can be sure he was cheating the entire time especially when he took his iPad (to facetime another woman) and when he said he was away with his friends. My ex bf would claim he needed to work on himself and find Jesus when he got bored of me. Then when he saw the grass wasn’t greener, he would come back to me. If your daughter isn’t his, please have her block him (if she’s a minor). This is how he is keeping tabs on you and he has no right to do that. You need to block him on everything. He will never change and he will keep cheating and leaving you. I took mine back at least ten times before I figured out he was a psychopath. It’s the hardest thing not to contact him even tho I know he will never change. But I deserve better. And so do you. You need to heal from your childhood trauma before getting in any other relationship. I’m working on that now. Otherwise you will end up with another narcissist /sociopath /psychopath. It gets easier with time…it truly does. I wish you the best!

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Freeofnarc.

This guy sounds like a con-artist and a professional womanizer who goes from one woman to another – never being able to form a true intimate relationship for very long at a time. He probably gets bored when the responsibilities that any intimate relationship would entail rests upon him. I know this may be hard to realize, but you are so much better off without a man who doesn’t know how to love intimately. Do block him in every way including through your daughter. He may try to ruin your relationship with your daughter. These guys have no conscience. He is most definitely narcissistic and probably disses all of his women – claiming they are mentally ill or something similar. A Narc can never look at their own behavior, cannot introspect, and will blame everything on others. You probably are in a trauma bond with him – but don’t believe your feelings. He isn’t marriage material. Learn to think with your head, not your heart. If he returns to you acting all humble it means his other loves fell through and you are the backup to give him Narc supply. Believe all the red flags you didn’t believe before. I can’t stress enough to protect yourself from him.

Hi cat –
I know how overwhelmingly hurt and in pain you are – because you have been so much abused psychologically on every level. Of the many stories Your ex is one of the very meanest sociopaths I have ever heard of. I think because he combined so many different abuse strategies into such a cruel focused hit. So, all of his strategies will need to be untangled through a lot of education about sociopaths. And a lot of healing from having him in your life. The first thing is like Zari Ballard says, when they want to do a silent treatment or a discard on you, you need to turn it right around, and say to yourself, “ This is not a discard on me, this is me going No Contact on him ! “. And that is the first step. What the other participants have warned you of is totally true – about the important need to keep your daughter away from him. For one thing, since he is a sociopath on the extreme end, she is in danger if she has any associations with him. None of us can cope with their psychological sickness, but a young innocent is particularly vulnerable. Also, it is his way to keep you dangling on his line, when you need to be free of him. You mentioned that your daughter is on your side, and you want to keep it that way. With the divorce, let the lawyers handle everything, and have no contact. Any communication needs to be through them. As far as your own healing, I know that you must be grieving so much for the loss of the beloved that you believed would always be there for you. I went through that and it’s OK to cry for the loss even though it turned out to never have been the truth. But it was to you, and that needs to be valued. Then the cruelty of his having you move your entire life which is a very difficult thing to go through, and then to place his discard when you got there is so mean and downright nasty. Oh, he is a nasty one alright ! Then we can’t forget about the horrible gas lighting he did to you, constantly calling into question your sanity. It takes a strong and together person to work on past issues like you were doing, and he turned around your strength to slander you to others and try to get others to question your mental stability which would be so difficult for anyone to cope with. So he was trying to isolate you from any support you might have while at the same time, abandoning you physically and emotionally so you would be totally isolated. Well, I’m sure that there are alot more underhanded, sneaky things he did to harm you, and all in good time, you will be able to see them and deal with them and then dismiss it all. Because none of this was your fault in the least. It is difficult for us, survivors, to accept the fact that we have to go through so much healing, when it was never our issues in the first place. Nevertheless, we do heal, we do move on, and we do find our innate happiness and joy once again. Please keep posting so that we can support you. Thank you for sharing and being a part of our healing forum.
Blessings to you

cat65 – I am very sorry for what you endured. Everything you described is classic sociopathic behavior. Everything. Especially the part about accusing you of being mentally ill – they all do that.

The problems are all his. There is absolutely nothing you can do or could have done to make him treat you any better. I know that you are in a lot of pain, but please work towards putting him out of your mind and your heart. He will never change.

And if he does suddenly want to “work on” your marriage again, I assure you, it’s because the other woman dumped him. You deserve better. Please walk away.

Hi cat –
Sociopaths and character disordered people lie and cheat and discard. That is what they do. But they are not in a solitary bubble when they do these things. They are in a relationship. When they have convinced their partner of their good character and of their loyalty, and of their love to such a degree that the partner believes very deeply in them = to the debths of their being – and then the sociopath does the playlist of love bomb, devalue, discard – it goes to a whole deeper level and that is called betrayal. There is no way to ever reconcile a deep betrayal. By that I mean that the brain and the intellect and reason can never touch it – you can try and try and try to reason it out, and you will think you have it all figured out, but the heart has its own intelligence, and it will not buy any reason because it feels that all the figuring is just excuses for something that can never be justified. Learning about sociopaths and all the healing methods are very important, no doubt, but there is also a heart track and the heart and the feelings need their own way of healing. It is what we go through when a great loss has occurred. There are stages of grief that happen and the heart will heal. i know it is probably hard for you to imagine that anyone else could really know or understand what you are going through, but sincerely, I did go through it. I had a very great betrayal, and it was such a crushing blow to me, that I was just kind of in shock, and there was no way at the time that i would have known how to deal with it. My brain must have known, because i just disconnected from it all. I went on with my life, and now, years later those feelings have all come up along with all the confusion and I have been dealing with it now. I now have much more understanding than I did then, and am able to deal with those emotions. It hasn’t been easy at all, but i am doing well ( I believe that I really am working through it all ). I have been able to stand the pain and loss and to come into more and more peace. it feels like poisons are being released finally. So my advice to you is to tell yourself that you are not ready to deal with it now and whenever thoughts or feelings about your ex arise, keep telling yourself that you will sort it all out later. Try to bring your attention to what you need to deal with on a practical level now. With the divorce and where to live and about the smear campaigning. My opinion is to stay with your daughters in the way that you are now situated. I understand that you don’t want them to feel like they need to take care of you, and you would wish to retreat somewhere to heal. However, an important point is that the reality is that you need to take care of them – especially the one who you said your ex was close to. If you are not there, your daughter will be unprotected. Your presence, though you are not aware of it, is a great protection for her. and if you should leave, she would be wide open to his psychological manipulations and he will come after her if you are not there. About the smear campaign, Zari Ballard had a really good technique – that you never say a thing to anyone about your ex, and if asked, just explain that you would rather not talk about it, and if they want to tell you something that he said etc, do the same thing, ask them to please respect that you do not want to hear about what he has been saying. Then Zari said that you would be amazed at how quickly it is all forgotten about by anyone else. After all, most people are really off into doing their own lives and don’t care all that much about gossip. I hope what I’ve said has been some help. Please post with anything that is a concern to you or if you would like to express or ask anything at all.
Blessings

Hi Cat65,

I’m very sorry you’re going through such tremendous ordeal, divorce itself will be a major devastating turning point for anyone, let alone dealing with a sociopath or a narcissist. It will be a difficult journey. Don’t pressure yourself on healing or moving on right away, take your time to cry, scream, vent and however you want to process the pain and torment. At some point, the horrified book you’re on, you will one day turn the pages of the chapter; to know what comes out on the next chapters, you will need to turn the pages to find out.

You are going through a wave of emotions, it will be very painful. You need to understand it’s almost impossible to comprehend and reason the disordered and twisted individuals like sociopaths and narcissists. They can trick your family, friends and even trained psychologists and therapists. Steer clear of your path and think clearly in one thing : does someone’s words match their actions? No matter how much love someone confesses, has sworn on his entire family (swear on my mom…my daughter and blah blah blah…), at the end of the day, actions will give you the utmost clarity of who someone really is.

Sociopaths could never love anyone, including their own children and mothers. They are masterminded liars and world-class actors who could have won multiple Academy Awards. They can literally lie everything and anything under the sun. My ex boyfriend portrayed him as a victim, being cheated and abandoned by his exes. Then, I discovered he wasn’t the person he portrayed as at all. I can give you two accounts: 1) I caught him got on the dating app the first time I broke up with him (he always had sick ways of reeling me back. It will be really hard to break up with sociopaths.). He outrageously said he created the profile in search for me, because he knew I would get on (I created a profile, and he responded to my fake profile,too! He even immediately asked me out for coffee…lol). 2) At a grocery store, a store associate was chatting with him, he seemed like he really enjoyed talking to that old lady. Once we got back in the car, he told me how disgusted he was with that fat, old lady and every minute into the conversation how much he wanted to punch her in her face. I was beyond horrified and speechless…how could someone be so pretentious and callous? It was like a face-off. Sociopaths and narcissists all have a fake facade they put on for different people and circumstances.

It would take us a long time to process and heal from an intimate relationship with them because we tend to make excuses for their character flaws and toxic behaviors along with abuses. We contemplate and try to make sense of how such loving and “genuine” man can be such a callous, superficial, promiscuous and deceptive monster! Just so twisted! Of course we will never get it. We would be suffering from the trauma bond, gaslighting, abandonment, discard, while he moves onto his next targets and tells the same old “soul-mate” fairy-tale.

One day you will find the inner peace, for now, cry and get it out as much and however you want to do it. But, please go no-contact. Remember, you can never have a real relationship with someone who lies, cheats and lack of a capacity to bond and love any human beings. Trust your instincts, build on your self-confidence and keep doing the wonderful things you’ve been doing! Anyone who devalues after love-bombing, gaslights and diminishes your self-worth is not someone who respects and cares about you with good intentions. Those who really stay in your life with good intentions will support you no matter what, and they won’t use your weaknesses to use them against you or start smear campaigns to paint a misleading picture about you with your family saying that you were emotionally unfit or struggling.

It will get easier. Blessings.

Hi cat – I was just reading a post that was responding about the devastating trauma you have been going through – and it seemed that we were actually giving you very different advise. So I am sorry if we may be confusing you. But we are all survivors just sharing what has and is working for us. You know, they say, “ doctor’s differ “. I guess the best plan is to get as many point’s of view as possible and then decide what you feel is the best for your particular self. We support you in whatever way you want to proceed. I hope that I haven’t come across as some kind of authority because that is the last thing you need ! I sincerely wish to be a help and support for you.
Blessings to you.

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I left my country for my “soulmake.” Lost everyone and everything overnight. And he betrayed me of course. I’m now 2+ years into my healing journey. As Polestar said, you will find many perspectives and many avenues of healing. This forum is wonderful for kindred spirits who will hold your light for you while you struggle. Never stop believing in yourself. Educate yourself on narcissists and reach out for emotional support in this very safe forum. I’m at the point where I’m moving on with my life, but I am dealing with the trauma of it all in layers. But still, getting on with my life. There is life beyond the darkness and betrayal. Blessings to you.

This is a message for freeatlast – it was so nice to read your post. I took some time away from the forum because I needed to deal with a lot of emotional and grief work, but I am feeling lots better now. I have often sent light your way to support you in a spiritual way. I’m so glad that you are doing so well in your healing. I have a beautiful book that the author wrote anonymously and made arrangements that it should not be published until after his death. At the beginning of the chapters he says something like, “ to my unknown friend “; I find that very heartwarming and respond in kind. So I too feel that we, here on this forum, are each other’s dear unknown friend. Thanks for being here.
Blessings

Hi polestar – so lovely to hear from you again! I hope you are gradually working through the layers of grief and emotion. I have been doing similarly. I’m so glad you are doing a lot better now, as am I. Thank you for the spiritual light – I have been thinking of you on and off so the connection was made, I think! Sending light and hugs back to you. I love your quote – that’s what we all are on here, “unknown friends.” Blessings.