How do you stop loving a sociopath?

Ah – if only there were an easy answer. Giving up an addiction — for that IS what loving a sociopath really is — is the hardest thing you will ever do. The addiction is real so you need to address leaving it behind just as you would any physical addiction.

Acknowledge the truth. Remember the past, consider the present and disregard any future that includes him. It helps to keep a journal and list out all the ways he hurt you. When temptation comes around – and he will – read those lists out loud. Be honest with yourself. Only you will see these writings.

Consider if YOUR needs are being met. Write out what you want and need from a relationship. Keep adding to this list – it is surprising how your true desires can be buried by his expectations. This list will grow and morph and change. Let it.

Consider if your imagined perfect future can be ever be met based on past experiences with him. KNOW he will not change. Never. Visualize this future without him. This may hurt at first. It gets easier.

Prioritize other relationships. Rekindle friendships left behind. Make new friends. Find new hobbies or interests. Take a class. Volunteer someplace that meets your passions. Keep busy. Go to bed tired. Reward yourself.

Let Time be your friend. The longer you maintain No Contact, the healthier you will feel. Be patient with yourself. Practice self-compassion. Accept that pain and weakness WILL happen. Remember that it won’t last forever.

See a therapist who understands disordered people. You may have to search for a good one.

The best way to stop loving someone who is bad for you is to love yourself more.

I wish you courage, strength and love.

Hi resilient –
Emilie was right on in her advise, and I am glad that you are receptive to it. Know that we are all here to support you during this time of transition where you know what you need to do and just need to muster up the strength and determination to go No Contact. The love that you describe can also be understood as “ trauma bonding “. It would help to learn more about that phenomenon. I have two recommendations of books that I think would be especially helpful for you – though any that deal with healing from a relationship with a sociopath would be very good – because the only way that you can get free is by getting informed about what you are dealing with. I see that you have already taken great steps in that direction. Part of it is also growing into the information. It’s not a one time read and then you just get it – it takes reading the same information quite a few times and trying to put into practice what you are learning both inwardly and in your situation. In other words, it’s a process, so please be patient with yourself as you travel the road from separating yourself from the toxic person and then healing from the trauma. Anyway, the first book I would recommend is “ Narcissist Free “ by Zari Ballard. The reason I think this one would be especially good is because she had the same experience as you are going through – a deep love for her narcissist partner and then she was finally able to understand and get free from the trauma bond. It’s not a long book, and has quotes from people who wrote to her and her answers, and descriptions of what she went through and explanations about how to go No Contact and what difficulties that can come up to avoid. She has such a good personality that it is fun to read her book. The other one I would recommend is quite an old book and was out before so much new information has been discovered about sociopathy, but I think it would be good for you considering your history of being an adult child of an alcoholic with abandonment issues ( as I am too – being an adult child of a parent with a drug problem and being abandoned because of that ). The book is called “ Women who Love too Much “ by Robin Norwood. She explains how this issue has roots from childhood and then tells the steps to take in order to overcome it. She equates it as an addiction, like Emilie was saying, and believes that this addiction has the same disease process and progression as alcoholism does. So she has steps of recovery that a person can follow to get free of the addiction. She has this chart that compares the progression of both diseases. The only thing that I don’t agree with her about, and the reason is because, as I mentioned before – that she wrote the book before some more current information came out about sociopathy – and that is that she wasn’t aware of the importance of No Contact. But other than that, everything else holds very true. She has many stories for every step of the way that I think you will be able to relate to. The steps of recovery are ( the book goes into more in depth explanations of them ) – 1. Go for help 2. Make your own recovery the first priority in your life 3. Find a support group of peers who understand 4. Develop your spiritual side through daily practice 5. Stop managing and controlling others 6. Learn not to get “ hooked “ into the games 7. Courageously face your own problems and shortcomings 8 Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself 9. Become “ selfish “ 10. Share with others what you have experienced and learned. – Those are the basic steps. The one that says to not get hooked into the games, is just as pertinent after you have gone No Contact, because memories and thoughts will still come into your mind that you need to learn how to navigate around with skill so as not to get pulled under psychologically. Please be assured that we are here to support you through all of this and do not hesitate to ask any further questions or about any concerns. Happy New Year ! I wish you a new year filled with positive resolves and an upward expansive new life with your wings unfurled and free !
Blessings

Hi! I can only share my personal experience so these are only suggestions, and what has been helping me. I’m new here and it’s been a month since my husband has been out of the house. Arming myself with as much knowledge of what had been happening to me has and learning about these types of personalities has helped me so very much. Finding this group has been extremely beneficial too. I’m reading two books right now.
1)The verbally abusive relationship… this is about toxic relationships and the “power over” the abuser has, it goes into the manipulation of emotionally abusive relationship, the crazy making, etc
2) psychopath free… which talks about narcissism, BPD, sociopaths, and psychopaths.
I’m also going to a therapist as well, she told me to highlight all that applies in these books and I’m like well the whole book would be highlighted!! In a year of a complete rollercoaster and always being sucked back in I ended up marrying this man and getting pregnant.
I’m in recovery from alcoholism and have really had to treat it the same way as I did with drinking. It is an addiction and it’s like knowing you can’t live with him but the thought of living without him is also frightening. Until you break the hold he has over you!! I have a deep faith and that has been my saving grace knowing that no one gets to tell me who I am. This is about healing your inner child and knowing your worth! You are worth far more than being treated anything less than with the most amazing love! And not a love from any person but the love of something far greater!! The literature really helps in keeping things in perspective at least for me. How easy it is to forget when the love bombs happen and the sweet talk creeps back. There is always another motive behind their words and that’s the control. I don’t know what the future holds but I do know in this moment I am feeling free like the chains have been broken, now it’s a matter of creating boundaries. If I could go complete no contact I absolutely would and if you can I suggest you do!! If I ever feel like reaching out to him a strategy I use is I have a few close friends that know what I’m going through and I reach out to them instead. I hope that some of this will help. We are all on our own journey’s but finding people who have gone through or are going through this type of situation for me has been a great defense in moving forward. I’m a personal trainer and I tell my clients you are stronger than you think!! Keep that thought close and know that it’s up to you, my therapist and others have told me that we actually have far more power In this situation than we actually think. That has been incredibly motivating and powerful to me! Like yeah I do have the power to not let this person have any control over me. I will not be a victim and don’t allow yourself to be either!! I’m praying for you.

Hi resilient and kat – those were 2 absolutely fantastic books that you recommended, Kat. Patricia Evens ( the Verbally Abusive Relationship ) has a perspective that is both unique and insightful. I really don’t think there is another book out there that brings to light such specifics as she explains. There is a companion book that goes with it too. What helped me so much is that she puts the spotlight on conversations and responses that, or lack there of, that so easily go “ under the radar “ so that a person would not even realize what was happening unless pointed out as she does. I actually talked to her on the phone a long time ago. I was feeling so confused, and she just happened to answer the phone and so kindly walked me through a bunch of stuff and was so supportive. The other book that you recommended by Patric McKensie ( Psychopath Free ) is totally amazing. As you said, he basically covers everything a person would need to understand the relationship with a psychopath or character disordered person, and how to get away. So, Resilient, the “ Psychopath Free “ book would especially be so valuable to assist you in actually getting out of the relationship and would show you so many reasons why it is making you sick. And the Verbally Abusive Relationship book will clearly show the ways that you are getting put down, and the danger to your self esteem by staying in such a relationship. Kat – I’m so glad that you shared because your strength of character in dealing with your situation is an inspiration to all of us. And resilient, I’m so glad that you are taking the necessary steps for your highest well being.
Blessings

Resilient85 – I am very glad that you recognize that your involvement with the sociopath is an addiction. This is certainly true – these relationships are highly addictive.

Addiction is a physical phenomenon. The cells of your body literally crave the chemicals created by the emotions that you feel. Therefore, another approach is to address the physical addiction directly. We have a webinar on EFT Tapping that can help you overcome the addiction. EFT Tapping is an alternative therapy that works like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), just faster. You don’t even have to believe that it works in order for it to work. Here’s more info:

Webinars on escaping sociopaths, narcissists and relationship abuse