The “ I Refuse Approach “ for the New Year

Hi everybody ! Happy New Year ! I wanted to share Dr. Les Carter’s Refuse Approach from his You Tube channel “ surviving Narcissism “ entitled “ The I Refuse Response towards a Narcissist “. There are 12 main points and I will also write some of the comments he says, but I encourage you to watch his You Tube to get all his comments. Here is the list ; 1. I refuse to allow you to be in charge of my own inner stability. ( you can do whatever you want with your life because I can’t stop you, but you can’t have what’s inside of me,) 2. I refuse to engage in circular arguments with you. ( the minute I sense that you’re goading me or invalidating me, I’m done.) 3. I refuse to justify my legitimate emotions, needs and interpretations, ( because the more they can perpetuate doubt and confusion – their gas lighting – the more it takes me off my game.) 4. I refuse to make excuses for you when other people comment about your dysfunction. ( you’re on your own when people wonder what’s wrong with you – I’m not going to be your flying monkey anymore ) 5. I refuse to cater to your demands, whims and moods ( I can be a good relational person but that doesn’t mean that I enable that person’s dominance ). 6. I refuse to cling to bitterness and resentment that keeps me tethered to you. 7. I refuse to take the bait when you assume the victim’s position due to me being me. ( they go into a blame mode ) 8. I refuse to stay isolated from the people who understand me and know my best. ( they either actively keep you away from others or they leave you feeling so deflated and defeated that you think “ why bother ?” 9. I refuse to cloak myself in your messages of shame and guilt. ( not to just let them have their word be final because their word is always going to be condescending, harsh and detrimental to me. Not going down to a place of devaluation) 10. I refuse to be wishy washy in my decisions ( so many times you allow yourself to live with doubt and uncertainty ) 11. I refuse to buy into your false image of smugness and superiority ( it is strange that the way a person needs to find their significance by building themselves up by putting others down – I don’t play that game of school yard bully ) 12 I refuse to over apologize for my mistakes or miscalculations ( I’ll make amends when necessary but I won’t grovel ).
That was the list. Dr C said that the I refuse response is your way of declaring that not only is it OK to be me, but that I’m going to be the best me that I can be. And to the narcissist “ If that means I have to do it away from you, then so be it. “.
Happy New Year to all of you !
Many, many blessings