Self esteem and our addiction to the sociopath

Jonuk – thank you for sharing your thoughts. You are exactly right, but I want to make sure you understand that the addiction you felt was not any kind of character flaw in yourself.

What you experienced was a trauma bond, also called a betrayal bond. This is a known psychological phenomenon described as a highly addictive attachment to someone who has hurt you.

The best book on the subject is, “The Betrayal Bond” by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. He enumerates the signs of a trauma bond, such as,

• when you obsess over showing someone that he or she is wrong about you, your relationship or the person’s treatment of you
• you move closer to someone you know is destructive to you with the desire of converting them into a non-abuser
• when you find yourself missing a relationship, even to the point of nostalgia and longing, that was so awful it almost destroyed you

You’ve already figured out a lot on your own. But I think if you learn more about the betrayal bond, it will clear up any further confusion.

Hi jonuk – I think that you have gleaned a very significant aspect of abuse – the ability to destroy a person’s self worth, and in the final analysis, a person’s self love. I have been very much aware of this dynamic from my own experience. Before I go into that though, it is also a part of the stages of abuse being 1. Love bomb, 2. Devalue then 3. Discard. What you are describing is the devalue. If the devalue takes root, and then grows and does become a horrific situation that can cause the destruction of the victim. There are many strategies that they use to accomplish this end and the knowledge of their tactics is both preventative if you can catch it early enough and then can also be healing to get you back up. But in any case, my particular situation does address the issue of a person’s vulnerability as being an aspect to how much or if at all, the recipient is affected. I was brought up by my great aunt and uncle from the age of about 6 or 7 years old due to the fact that my mother had a drug addiction. Though my mother did have the drug problem she was underneath a caring person ( she has now passed away, but I have always felt that about her ) but my great aunt in particular though she was looked upon very highly in society’s standards, she was a horrific narcissist/sociopath. I was brought up with my cousins who were like brother and sister to me. But for my great aunt, I was the handy scapegoat. She demonstrated all the classical characteristics of an abuser – mainly verbal, psychological and screaming. The thing is that I did not believe her. I never felt bad about myself – she always tried to make her own “ real “ children out to be much superior to me but again, I did not believe that no matter how she acted to prefer them or tried to demean me. I had lots of friends at school and was liked very much which helped. Fast forward in my life, no matter what happened or how I was treated I seemed to retain this feeling of self love … until I got involved with someone whom I adored and then got betrayed by. That did knock me down tremendously in terms of my feeling of being a nothing and not worthy. Part of it was that I felt that he was so worthy and so good ( in my eyes ) so that if there was a problem, then it had to be me ( I felt ). One might wonder or speculate that I really – underneath it all, had a negative self image due to my childhood and that it all came out later. I have pondered that but my conclusion is that it was not the case. Because I am now getting my “ me “ back – the one who did and does feel worthy of being loved and the one who does feel a sense of personal inner beauty and goodness. I had to fight dramatically ( in an inward sense ) to get that back. Further, it is my belief that each one of us has that core of worth and that sense of goodness. That it can be discovered and found and then it needs to be given tremendous value by our very own self. That to me is what healing is all about. We discover that preciousness and then we will no longer allow anyone to jeopardize it. By going No Contact, by educating ourselves about these predators etc. So anyway, I quite agree with you about self esteem being so very significant. And about the fallacy of thinking that they have the power to redeem us back to our goodness. That was also the biggest struggle for me.

Januk – Good insights. I also want to clarify that multiple psychological experiences contributed to the establishment of a betrayal bond, not just intermittent reinforcement.

For example, there’s the cycle of pleasure when a relationship is going well, fear and anxiety when the sociopath does something to threaten the relationship, and then reconciliation when you kiss and make up. This happens over and over, and with each turn of the wheel, the psychological bond that you feel gets stronger and stronger.

I think anyone can be snagged by a sociopath. They work to find our vulnerabilities, and then use them to manipulate us. Guess what? We all have vulnerabilities. It can happen to anyone.

Hi jonuk –
I think what you are describing is called “ cognitive dissonance “ because there were two opposing and opposite realities that were presented to you – one that she was disordered and the other that she behaved normally. Even if it was not a 50/50 ratio, it is still extremely confusing. The researcher who initially made this discovery about cognitive dissonance said that the problem is that the way that our brains work is that it is too stressful to have opposing realities at the same time. So I can understand how damaging and upsetting that would be to you. Because you would need to continually deny what you knew to be true when she was acting normal because of how the brain works as explained. It would hurt your self esteem because it would cause you to doubt yourself and that is devastating. Another way that this shows up often is when the person’s partner appears stellar in terms of virtue and social standing, but behind closed doors is abusive. From what I understand, your ex was able to function very well in the world with her job and social standing. That disparity would also cause tremendous self doubt because the person would question their own perception because of having no outward validity. There would be isolation happening as well. All of these issues comprise psychological abuse. But with the great community of survivors, we give that validation, support and knowledge to each other. Thank you so much for sharing because it is so helpful for all of our healing.
Blessings

Januk. You might read the I Refuse post. It is. Helpful

januk I don’t know Best to ask Donna

Jonuk – much of what you have said sounds familiar. When you said “in order for her to correct the damage”, I’m reminded that when my ex would do and say things that cut deep, part of my response would then be wanting to go to her seeking trauma care to stop the bleeding. In my case, the idea of looking to her to undo or heal the damage, which I think maps to what you’re saying about providing validation, came with a powerful sense of need fueled by isolation. By the time her actions were so overtly caustic, I had allowed myself to become seriously isolated from any outside support which left me with few options – and the trap closes.

Donna – thanks for the book suggestion.