How to recognize and recover from the sociopaths – narcissists in your life › Forums › Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths as partners › Is it possible it’s happening again!!??
- This topic has 11 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 3 months ago by sunnygal1.
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August 4, 2022 at 9:01 pm #68381tired42Participant
So much has happened to me over the past few years that I don’t even know how to be brief about it. To try to sum it up, I was played by a fool by someone that I thought really loved me. He lived a double life for over 2 years and I was beyond blindsided. This was almost 2 years ago. My problem now is, is it possible my current bf, that I’ve known for 3 year and been living with for a little over a year…..doing the same thing, or am I just freaking paranoid! I see all these things (red flags) that my friends tell me I make up in my head due to my past. But am I making it up? It’s making me crazy and I fear I’m going to sabotage what could be the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. Has this happened to anyone else in a new relationship? My friends also tell me I need therapy but can I really be that crazy and just making crap up and seeing things that aren’t real?
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August 4, 2022 at 9:42 pm #68382FreeofnarcParticipant
It’s advised to work through the abuse that you went through before moving on to a new relationship. If not you can absolutely meet another disordered individual. What red flags are you seeing? Obviously you are seeing more of his behaviors than your friends and family are.
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August 5, 2022 at 10:35 am #68383emilie18Participant
Just because your friends think you are crazy doesn’t mean you are. Your gut is telling you something – whether it is a reminder of past deceits or something new is up to you to figure out. Are these the same friends that didn’t see signs or warn you about the first guy? If you are seeing red flags, don’t ignore them – take a closer look. A few questions to ask: Are you are trusting person? Do you tend to believe everything you are told? That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it IS a trait that con artists and sociopaths look for. Most of us operate under a truth bias, meaning unless we have verifiable information to the contrary, we believe what we are told and don’t question things. So instead of being paranoid and challenging a statement, we go with the flow – and that makes us vulnerable. So – look for the verifiable and challenge it. Does his story change? Can you find proof of his past life? How does he describe past relationships? Have you met his “people”? Have you been alone with any of them? Do they describe the same version of him you think you know? Has he tried to separate you from any of your friends or family? Have you met his work friends? Does he have any long-term friends? Ask them what they think of him – and why. Does he spend real time with you, not just time doing what he wants? Did he initially come on strong and now has backed off or changed in any way? Does he ever tell you you are over-reacting, or being paranoid, or that something didn’t happen the way you thought it did? Has he ever asked you to buy things he wanted but you did not? Does he allow you to see his phone, email or texts? How does he treat people who are below him on the social ladder? These are all signs to look at that might prove your gut is right – there IS something off. Yes, you may be seeing things that aren’t there, but I am a true believer that your gut sees truth that your heart and brain might miss. I hope you find YOUR truth.
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August 5, 2022 at 2:23 pm #68384sunnygal1Participant
Tired42 A guide to relationships I have found is Getting to I Do by psychologists Pat Allen You might check it out. She advises against living with a guy before marriage. She thinks you are too available Best wishes to you as you find a way forward.
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August 5, 2022 at 6:10 pm #68385Jan7Participant
Hi Tired42,
It is very common for women who have been abused to get into another abusive relationship without realizing it.
So, like Emilie states listen to your gut instincts. You dont have to “sabatage” this relationship by ending it but, you should listen to your gut and talk with a counselor that knows about domestic abuse (NOT all counslors understand domestic abuse) to sort out your feelings to see if “yes” this guy is bad news or you are being triggered by past abuse. Either way do not turn your head away from your gut instincts here. 💜
It’s good to question every relationship after abuse from family, friends, romantic partners. Because there are alot of abusers who camafloge themselves as “good” people but, then drop their mask every once in a while to see the truth if we take the time to question their behavior & words.
Lookup lovefraud home page and read everything there. And, contact your local abuse center and see if they have a outside counselor who under stands domestic abuse & trauma to help you thur your emotions you are dealing with now.
it’s scary to let your guard down & to love in a “NORMAL” relationship but after being abused it’s even scarier. So it’s ok to seek counseling to discuss what is going on in your relationship now.
Your not crazy hon. We all have a gut instinct for good reason…to question things to stay safe.
Take care. Glad you came here to post. your not alone! Your friends might not understand domestic abuse but, you do. 💜💜💜
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August 5, 2022 at 6:19 pm #68386Jan7Participant
do a serach here on Lovefraud for “Gavin Debecker Gift of fear” book reveiw.
Look up on yt “Oprah Gavin debecker Gift of fear interview”
Your library may have this book. This book reminds us that we all must listen to your gut instincts always.
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August 5, 2022 at 6:34 pm #68387Jan7Participant
look up on the USA National Domestic Abuse hotline .com website “Identifying abuse” and read everything there so you understand more clearly some signs of domestic abuse. Most of us were not aware the emotional & Mental abuse is ABUSE prior to leaving our ex’s. And, once I escaped my ex h I read the list and realize that everything I endured for yearsss was on the that list. Show the list to your friend so she is also educated and can help you by watching out for signs with this guy. But, speaking to a counselor would be best.
Again, you could be just triggered by your past relationship. But, it’s imperative for your safety to question everything he is doing. This is how we stay safe and also how to grow a healthy relationship.
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August 6, 2022 at 3:27 pm #68390sunnygal1Participant
The Gavin DeBecker book is very good.
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August 7, 2022 at 4:38 pm #68391polestarParticipant
Hi tired42 –
The thing is that people living a double life is very common ! It happens a lot even when someone is not a sociopath. There are just so many cheaters out there. It is wise to find out the truth about your partner and asking or confronting doesn’t help in the most part because so many lie. I say, do covert investigation. There are many things you can do to look into his social media and phone etc. Find out ways to do this so he won’t know. If possible, hire a private detective. It does not ruin a relationship to examine what is going on. That is maturity. As I said, so many people cheat behind the backs of those they are in a relationship with. There are so many cases of husbands or wives having no idea for many many years and build their whole lives around their partner showing and believing in trust and what they think is a loving relationship only to have the rug pulled out from under them way too late in the game. So do not continue to question your own sanity, but question and take steps to discover the truth about your partner.
Blessings to you -
August 30, 2022 at 6:27 pm #68580belferParticipant
This just happened to me again.
I also just read that God continuously puts the same type of person in your life until you learn the lesson
I am completely demolished. I thought I was just being accusatory because of what I had been through. No, I was painting red flags white. Apologizing for my reactions from past relationship. Now he stopped talking to me two weeks ago said “needed time and space”
and hasn’t responded to a one of my emails and changed his number. Now I sit here in my car crying as I write this after two hours of reading through his messages trying to decipher what was genuine -
August 30, 2022 at 6:57 pm #68581emilie18Participant
belfer – I am so sorry for your pain. Please don’t beat yourself up. I love your phrase ” I was painting red flags white” – so appropriate! I truly believe that those of us born with compassion, tenderness and trust tend to do that. It is so very hard to believe another person – especially one who professes to care about us – would be anything other than honest, loving and caring. So we tend to let the little things go: the small lies, the momentary rudeness, the offhand mean remarks – until they become normalized…then when when the sociopath does the inevitable discard, we look back and say – aha — so that’s what it was. I shoulda, woulda, coulda…if only I had…all the self blame thoughts. When truly, realistically, we should be saying “HE did this, HE said that, HE treated me this way – and how DARE he! I am worth more than that. I don’t deserve this treatment and he certainly does NOT deserve me.” Cry it out and start the healing process. Believe in yourself. You are STILL compassionate, tender and trustworthy. He is dead inside.
We are all here for you!
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August 31, 2022 at 1:11 am #68584sunnygal1Participant
Belford This relationship sounds very toxic. He sounds like a psychopath and his brain is different. If you have decided you want to leave this sick relationship I am there for you. If you aren’t committed to leaving I can’t be ther for you. The previous poster slimone had this position too
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