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So I recently found out that a guy I was spending time with this year just got married. He apparantly was involved with his wife throughout the entire time him and I were hanging out/dating. Him and I never became an actual couple, but he was telling me he wanted a relationship. I however just wasn’t interested in one with him bcuz I felt that we were unequally yoked. However, I developed feelings for him and expressed them to him. That happened in June, he ended up proposing to me in Aug. And the day he proposed he said we should do it this year bcuz his lease ends in Dec. At first I said yes but then said no, bcuz I felt it was happening too soon as I hadn’t even met any of his fam or friends yet and just didn’t feel confident that marrying him was something I should do even though I wanted to. He got upset that I said no and things cooled off btw us but eventually went back to speaking and hanging out. I found out on my own though earlier this month that he had just gotten married the first week of the month. At first I thought this was someone he met after proposing to me but then realized that she had been around all year long. She said on FB that she got engaged in July which would mean that he was already engaged to her when he proposed to me and it looks like he proposed to us with the same ring. I was so shocked bcuz he NEVER told me he was in a relationship and then engaged. And even after things cooled off btw us, he was still telling me he loved and missed me and that he still wanted a relationship with me while being engaged to her. Even the week he got married, he was messaging me wanting me to come over but I had no idea he was getting married in a couple of days. I found out about his wedding two days after it happened online, and when I confronted him about this he never took ownership and even flipped the script on me to make it seem like I’m in the wrong. I realize now that he must have just had an alternative motive for getting married and am so shocked and hurt by this. Just curious your thoughts on all of this?? Thank you.
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blessedlady89: You dodged a bullet! You sensed something was off and acted accordingly – congratulations! In retrospect, those red flags were flying high. Sounds like he pursued you, proposed quite early in your relationship, insisted on a quick marriage so HE could solve a financial issue, and got angry when you asked to slow down. Then he lovebombed you even after you said no, all while continuing a another relationship (or two – or three), which, be assured, even if you DID marry him, would continue. Whew — nice sidestepping girl! I understand your shock and hurt, but ask yourself — what just happened? And what would have happened if you hadn’t been paying attention to your gut feelings? Then pat yourself on the back and move on. I pity the lady he married – she is in for a rough time.
I recently read an article in Psychology Today about Narcissistic Love. The author, Elinor Greenberg, Ph.D. says that narcissists do not fall in love with people – they fall in love with their projected ideal. They create a fantasy of the perfect mate, which, of course, no one can live up to, and they become disappointed in YOU because – well – you are a real person. That’s when they start to suggest ways you can become “better”. As they become more and more unhappy with your “flaws” (ie: the difference between their fantasy and the real person), the romantic Romeo vanishes and devaluation begins. Suddenly those sweet love words, compliments, praises, fawning turn to complaints that you are stupid, ugly and undesirable. It is NEVER about you — and that is important to remember.
As far as him having an ulterior motive – well – his lease was up and he needed a place to live? Who knows — just be glad you are no longer involved! Blessings to you.
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Hi Blessedlady – I agree totally with what Emilie said – especially the part about how well you did that you listened to yourself and therefore saved yourself from a lot of pain. You did not allow him to pressure you time wise or otherwise. Anyway, that is so wierd that he was pressuring you to get married – because that contradicts the basis of a loving relationship. Your story reminds me of this case that a person told me about in her past when she found out that her fiancé was also engaged to another woman at the same time. When it all came out and he was confronted about it, he thought the whole thing was funny. By the way, the lady went on to marry someone else and now they have a son and she is happily married. So, feel very happy that you saved yourself from a real nightmare. Now you can educate yourself more about these cheaters and sociopaths and will be able to spot red flags immediately and you will have the support and strength to act on what you see and feel … thus leaving you open for a future filled with real love and commitment. Happy Thanksgiving! Blessings to you
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blessedlady89 – I am sorry for your experience, our I am so glad that you avoided becoming more entangled with this creep.
He is exhibiting classic sociopathic behavior, in that relationships really mean nothing to him. His objective is to use you, the one he married, and the women he will continue to cheat with. I am glad you discovered his true nature.
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Blessedlady. Good you are away from him. Blessings to.you.
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